“A long five months slipped by, and I became better and better at being the Dragon Lady. I became the boundary and “protected the light” by weeding out the starry-eyed groupies. I made sure he ate healthy food and had everything he needed. Nobody did this for me.
Everyone who used to get in couldn’t. Those people blamed me and hated me; they said cruel things about me. I cried for months while Bhagavan Das sat reading and drinking black tea. He let them do what they wanted and think what they wanted.
I understand it’s not his way to set things straight, but maybe if he had, the demonization of me might not have been so bad. But I’m not sure.
Nobody respected Bhagavan Das. They kissed his ass and used him as needed. Unfortunately, he did the same thing to them. It wasn’t the world I believed it to be. My love for God might not have been real. The way I thought of Kali may have been wrong.
My ideals collapsed over those five months, and what was once a blessing became a curse. Kali was not who I thought she was, and I didn’t like her at all. I lost faith in the spiritual people I once imagined being “out there” somewhere… that I would be good enough to be near one day.
I lost faith in gurus and myself because I had been wrong, yet I couldn’t grieve. I had to keep everyone out of our space—enforce boundaries—make sure Bhagavan Das was okay.”
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Love, Sharada Devi