I keep talking about surrender and defiance, about caving in and fighting back. Against fate, against bad habits, against consumerism, against conformity, against complacency, against interia, against fear…
What will our lives be for? What are we feeding our souls? We know to eat healthy and exercise- because the negligence is obvious and we can see it in the mirror. What about when our soul is unhealthy and malnourished? What about when we stopped letting our light shine and began fading out? At what point did the scales tip and what can be done? Everything we look at in this world is there to fill the empty hole. To buy it, to get it, to add to ourselves something prestigious.
But the soul is both delicate and unruly. The soul wants what’s warm and raw, not what’s packaged and controlled. Not even in your “sadhana” not even in your “meditation.” It gets so perfect in your head and you get so self righteous and dry. Something is missing, what is missing? We get stuck in a sort of stagnation that is comfortable even- but when the house is quiet and dark -we feel the emptiness that is a true hunger.  We tell ourselves, “It is God I am feeling, my yearning…I’ll cover this loss with a thought or a mantra…” But it isn’t God that is lost, it is God that is calling – from your soul who is starving for something more than the stale reality that surrounds you. We are MORE than our temporary roles as husband wife mother office worker yoga teacher – and because we are more we can’t be nourished by pretending and doing as we were taught anymore. We cannot let it be enough. There is a wild raging beauty inside that roars and paces and needs to be heard and freed. But how can we do that? Where does the edge of stability and functionality meet genius and brilliant nonconformity? I keep saying- “Do it your way,”  but what does that mean when after all these years we lost our TRUE way because of the roles expectations and responsibilities?
You will need to know at this crucial crossroads what is happening to your life. Look around you and all the people. This world, this TV, this schedule, the car ride to the same old place will SUCK YOUR SOUL DRY. You will be dead soon, it WASNT WORTH IT. Our eyes maybe can see the flowers and birds but to feel and to be one with the flowers and birds is a soul moving, not a mind thinking. To go out into the backyard and give nature a quick five minutes ISNT ENOUGH. Not when it’s YOU, you ARE NATURE. YOU ARE WHATS MISSING! It’s evident in the quiet voice, the turned back, the soft sigh. It’s clear in the lonely eyes, the lackluster reply. ITS OBVIOUS to the WILD AND TRUE. But no longer obvious to you? Or would you not know what to do if you faced this primordial pain?
There is an edge to being alive. There is risk, there is a gamble. There is a crazy trust that just rides the waves of your beating heart. “I KNOW this could BE so much more!”
The flower bigger and brighter, the bird higher and on fire! The wolf rages, the mad woman doesn’t slip on your rationality! She opens the moon and steps inside and she interprets the howling into soul stirring movement. She is the fortune teller and she knows. She is not a female, she is a force of nature. Mother Night as I called the upcoming retreat is the reason- she mothers the night. She is the soul womb where all of us glow like embers.
I can’t say it enough. It’s a gradient, it’s relative. What are you REALLY capable of? What can you really create? How high can he truly climb to the the peak of God’s Mountain?
Because I understand, I get it. My cat thinks he’s a dog and won’t jump higher than my dogs can jump. He has no idea who he is. I say “Squiggle jump!” And he has to do little baby hops to his food bowl. This is what happened to us.
The cat thinks he’s a dog because he’s sympathetic and impressionable due to association. Even his instincts have been usurped due to domestication, and this is bewildering when we imagine what may have happened to us! They say you have to “See it to be it.” And it’s so TRUE! I say, “You have to do it to get it.” And I’m RIGHT!
So JUMP! Remember! Let your soul be fed. Be crafty like the fox and maneuver and finagle your way back to a place where you resemble the raw, pristine beautiful creature that you are- OUTSIDE THAT BOX IN YOUR HEAD.
The soulful path is the most mystical loop hole there is! I offer all I have done, and have become. I offer where I’m going and where I’ll be! And I strive for freedom from a mostly invisible captivity. A captivity that dries out the soul and deadens the primal heart. There is NO MEMORIZED PRAYER OR MANTRA that will make this all go away- this muffled suffering, this implosion.
It is ACTION! You must do it to be it!
I am so happy for all of you that have already vowed to come to Mount Shasta in August to the Mother Night Retreat! The support of the group intention is imperative and is the most profound catalyst for a breakthrough. There is POWER IN NUMBERS that is why wolves stay in packs. Many voices are louder than one voice. What I understand is I do what I do not just for me- but for everyone I know, have ever known and will ever know. Relatives, friends. All beings. I take responsibility within myself for these self imposed ridiculous restrictions and boundaries that destroy so many exquisite potentials in the people I know and love. It’s the only way to make a difference. We do what we do for all of those who are stuck and trapped and beaten down. And honestly, that’s just about everyone whether they recognize it or not. Those that don’t are the saddest of all. Yes, some try to rationalize it and cover it with a “spiritual comment” like-
I do my best.
Life is a dream.
It is what it is.
I accept, I surrender.
I can find meaning.
I have to resolve my karma.
It’s all “Lila.”
And on and on. Where’s your spirit? Where’s your spunk? There’s nothing impressive about resignation! FIGHT BACK! It creates character and strength. I don’t advocate complacency and excuses, why? It’s boring. STIR THINGS UP WITH A SMILE AND A PURPOSE. What are you so afraid of? I know people that claim undying devotion to the “Divine Mother” and then tell me that if they leave an abusive marriage they’ll “end up on the streets homeless” such lip service and such a lie. Practice what you preach. Who do you trust?
All the great ones we know throughout history have always said -basically-
“Stop being a scared baby- put the truth first, have trust, be brave, stand up for something and you’ll be fine!”
So yes, Jesus was hung on the cross for it. Do you HEAR ME?! He followed through NO MATTER WHAT. And so must you if you ever want to GLOW WITH SOUL.
It’s a beauty no word can form. It’s a human filled with everything that’s been missing from this picture, this life so far- a virile, fertile, life giving, GOD with style!
Be an individual and be smart. Don’t give up, GET UP. In the end, it’s the only way. Otherwise basically, life gets spent waiting on you to finally howl out- I AM HERE!

“I gotta thank God, cause he gave me the strength to rock hard.”

Sharada Devi

Love is Power

The answer is love. The trick is also love. The mastery is love. Only love can never die. The most simple concept is the most complex. Profound in all its crevices and outlets. Complicated in all its misinterpretations. Being good, being nice- does not equal love. Behaving in a way to get the reaction that we want does not equal love. Being loving as a part of your persona- does not equal love. So the word gets thrown around but it’s meaningless because of how the mind twists it for security purposes and for a sense of self righteous self appreciation. Love is flawless in its execution and fearless in its demand. Love traces the edges of all that is true and pulls it to its center. This does not always feel comfortable or acceptable to you or others. It’s not so simple. But it is so simply wise. Like “kindness” what does it mean? To get a reaction that reinforces insincerity? Sometimes out of kindness and love in the deepest sense we get contrary results. Results that feel disruptive and discordant. It’s because of where the rivers meet, it’s because of the power of clarification. Holding true to the grit of love first of all means getting to the core of your being. Where true love resides and commands without effort. Nobody ever promised you good results immediately for being the love. Be the love. All the words I’ve just written point to the riddle and the need for selfless action for the sake of self. For the sake of all. The eyes of love see very big, the picture not just of now but of how did we come to now and where is now going. The pain of separation we experience and define as distance from God- all the yearning and devotion that is really so important is the beginning middle and end of purification. Purification is clarification. It is sharpening the lens of what love is. How do we get the strength, the conviction the know how? When love is in our veins, our skin and our bones? How do we get the insight and objectivity when love is in our breath and our tears? This is a place, love. We are on a journey. Our heart is the one who comes from this place. I get questions about “being loving, being kind” while the person stifles their true creative nature for the sake of group acceptance. When they get the benign response due to their “loving compliance” it only lasts for awhile- because behind it hiding are grief and fear and rage. Why? Love doesn’t ride in anyone’s mold to reach its destination. To act out of actual love and kindness can be risky when it’s true. It’s dangerous to really be that precise and that profound. No, for now love is an act often emerging from fear- fear of survival. So it’s not love. Love starts in you and for you – for everything you are- especially for how you are different. Especially for how you are true -genuinely you. It’s scary. If you read this fast you won’t know. If you see the significance of the depth of my words you will be befuddled. Where do I start? Why has my mind gone both wild and dull? The answer is clear. The answer is love. Love calls from afar, as the destination. No, there is no time and space after all I guess. But for now it’s real, but for now we have this heart who hears and knows how to follow the distant howl. But you have to listen, for real. We can arrive at love. It’s not far. Funny how we live as it if it. Imagining we have it- confused as to why the anger frustration and pain remain. Why can’t you fly? Why can’t you sing freely? Why can’t you just get up and go? Love will never block you, only your lie will. Love will set you up to feel the anguish soul deep. Because love is in your shadow pulling you toward the light.

*This is my evaluation of a chronic misinterpretation. Pretense cannot replace freedom. When love is real, you are not to be fucked with. Love is power.  ❤️Sharada Devi

Back to ❤️

Mother Night Retreat with Sharada Devi
Come Back To Mount Shasta!
AUG 5-11, 2020


❤️back to nature, back to soul, back to the body and earth…

❤️ back to the sky,
❤️ back to heart,
❤️ back to the tears and the smiles.
❤️ back to the primal,
❤️ back to the moon,
❤️ back to the wolves and the witches.
❤️ back to the roots,
❤️ back to the seeds,
❤️ back to the tribe and the pack.
❤️ back to the love,
❤️ back to the bliss,
❤️ back to the wild and free!
This retreat will be insane, profane and filled with life! We will forgo all limitations and restraints. We will burn all the rules and regulations. We will smash the clocks and stand between the worlds. We will paint our faces on the sun. We will sign our names in the midnight sky. We will return to our truth immaculate.
Singing dancing and everything you love. Trees rivers lakes and fires and everything you need. Circles spirals and and everything you are!
This is a whole new phase of the journey.
Come back to the place it all began!
❤️ Sharada Devi to sign up using PayPal or with any questions. ⭐️

* $540 total- includes organic meals and sleeping accommodations ⭐️
* $108 deposit to sign up (nonrefundable) ⭐️
* balance due by July 25. (also nonrefundable- but can be applied to future retreats) ⭐️
Return! Reunion! Remember! Rewind!

flesh and soul

I’d rather see something real. I’d rather not see the front. I’d rather see the soul digging through your eyes. I’d rather see your rage and turmoil than all your niceties. I’d rather catch a glimpse that made me think you knew of what lies buried- beneath all they’ve taught you- how to be stoic and stuck, rigid and righteous, pretty and polite. I’d rather see something real, like maybe you know and accept the loss of what’s being taken with every fake day that gets lived once again in the clutches of the culture that created you. Any culture- business, yoga, family- I don’t care. You should have made you, from the inside out. Not from the outside in. Nobody is immune to this collective crisis of soul…

I see (human) tigers pacing cages, not knowing. I see (human) panicky birds wings being clipped. I see (human) little dogs in shock collars because they bark….I see what is hidden in our  bodies and I know something must be released. Not in a proper yoga class, not in a prayer pew, not in a self righteous prison of memorized ritual- but released in that jungle that terrifies every captive human on a collective level – this primitive beast is the ride to your only salvation and you cannot subjugate this primal force. It has morphed into your shadow- the one you fight- and despise. The one who won’t listen or obey. The one who ignores your whips and your whistles. It happens to us all, we must wake up to the howling heart and take action!
There is no peace upon this earth. “Freedom is not free” is what my little dog told me as we put up the fence in the back yard. His name is Wookie and he is a savage cave dog. I cannot stop him from his insane excitement and desire to run and shriek with joy…I can’t stop him inside of me either. When we try, is why we hurt. I  want you to know that I understand we are saturated in limitations due to the world today. I want you to also know we can do better for that little beast within. We can stand between two worlds and find relief. This takes creative effort and compassion from the depths of our souls.Our souls need food just like our bodies do. As I was writing this I head this song in my head. Which is strange because it’s an old song that I never even gave any attention to. So I read the lyrics and I get the message- I like this soulful cover and so it’s down below. When you hear a song in your head- out of the blue- never ignore it. It’s moon language- it’s your mother night talking from the depths- guiding you home to the immaculate truth.
I have talked to Chris in Mount Shasta and have found a way to do retreats there once again – he will allow retreats all year long- which wasn’t possible before. I would like to do one every season as an outlet and restart for each and every one of us. A different way to relate to the seasons within and to give life a richer meaning. I intend for it to be the basis for something nourishing to the soul. Please join me in this journey to bring the wild and free back to life in every day life. We are not caged humans. We are wild shooting stars! The soul doesn’t disguise anything, the mind only tries. But I’ve see into your eyes and I know as you know. So don’t  just keep reading in the background. Don’t just talk and meander. Come back to life in the flesh!
Sharada Devi
this is the song I heard-


the purity of the primal

just a thought-

When everything becomes a rule- a painful discipline where you just aren’t measuring up- It’s something to look at and weigh the odds. There are a lot of traditional ways to “free” yourself. I am so F’ing tired of reading that book. That book in my head, that book in their eyes. The pain we get filled with is unnatural and unnecessary. But we got trapped. We are always quietly seething inside therefore due to imposed restrictions and the deep (mostly) unconscious sorrow that we are not measuring up, simply because we are flawed, defective and just all around impure. Because we’ve done something “sinful” in the past and so now we are paying the price. That’s why we just can’t “get it right” at least not for very long- until we’re self indulging, falling off some imaginary wagon, not doing “spiritual things” eating “spiritual food” being kind and forgiving… and the list goes on. This is the worst transgression of all that I see we are caught in. NOT the lack of “meditating as prescribed” to wash all that sin and badness away. NOT that our flesh is weak and we are not worthy of resurrection- from the dead of the back of the church (metaphorically speaking) but because we have moved away from the immaculate. We have left our actual truth and are attempting to recreate it based on another man’s rules – in a book somewhere that said we are all wrong – as we are. Our mind is SO FUCKED UP – even if we start now, it’s probably too late anyway. That’s HOW BAD OFF WE ARE.  So we try to meditate to superimpose a better reality over this gloom but it doesn’t last long- why? Because our greed and lust and imperfection sets back in as it should since/ though they say we are “already the Buddha” it honestly, doesn’t last long. We re-enter the labyrinth and begin sucking on the breast of darkness once more. And we just come to secretly despise our weaknesses – growing to hate them in others because it’s too painful to know them in ourselves – because if we did we would once again be reminded of our strange and permanent inadequacies. This is not true. This will not work. Why? Because as humans we are meant to relate. This is a huge, sad loss- since we cannot know our natural truth. The truth of what immaculate actually means. The truth of wisdom. The truth of what will work. The truth of the indomitable creative spirit that is so far beyond sitting and staring at the space two feet in front of the eyes or watching the mind in a dark room as if there isn’t something much more colorful to do. I have been deeply contemplating what will actually help us all. What’s the only hope. If we put you in a huge field all alone with no internet and only trees and a stream. Only stars and the sky- I doubt you would remain lost for long without any rules. I doubt you need to sit and “do meditation.” I believe it would all occur spontaneously is my point. It is natural for us to be beautiful, pure, brave, wild, primal, sublime, killers, divine. It is important that we lose the fear of our animal nature and begin to see the innocence there. The natural truth that we were never sinful but warped by rules. We did not come to earth to get better, meditate more- as prescribed. The traditional way that is very harsh and exacting is too cruel somehow anymore. We just want the soft sway to return. The night moon swoon, the whisper to be written down and not ignored as nonsense. What if you could just be however you wanted and do whatever you wanted and trust yourself to find the way spontaneously? This would remove the middle man judge. But is it even possible now? Now- to just feel the beat of your heart and know – without the alarm clock. To just watch the rising sun and know it is rising in you- But rather we sit in a dark room with pictures of dead men we were told were holy- doing our prescription and praying for help. It’s creepy, it’s weird, it’s dark, it’s so so so sad. We have ourselves and we have now. There is so much we could be doing, creating, facilitating- There is so much we can be letting go of, embracing, retracing. The only thing we need to do is mend our broken soulful heart. Why is it broken? Because however you cut it- Buddha words or not- we keep trying to reach some place of purity because of the approach in this day and age- the approach that to me is CLEARLY not working.
A wise woman was contemplating wisdom because she was writing a book on the “wise old woman” archetype and she read and she read and still didn’t feel she had a true grasp on the essence of wisdom. Then one night she had a dream and a voice from the invisible spoke to her and said, “wisdom is what works.” Do you hear what I’m saying? We have to do what works. Back to the wild of nature both inside and out. Trust in the purity of the primal. Of course it got twisted but it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It’s the greatest power in your body. It’s what will set your spirit free and inspire the magic of life. The essence of art in all its forms is everything we’ve been told to deny or oppress in the name of God and being good. We are fine the way we are. That’s the basis. It’s a road back to what is simple and pristine. It’s completely a practice that just is up to your moment to moment entering of self into self- and then deeper and warmer and even more true. To be in the immaculate truth you only need to watch nature until you can merge. We are not above or separate. Heavenly is not outside of the earthworm- and the devil is not outside of the clergy. We need to only live in our soul- dig our feet into the earth’s dirt, open our ears to the bird’s song, gaze with new eyes at the flower’s dew drop. Create, be creative, be innovative. Be alive. Wild like the shimmering wolf. The wolf has no choice but to be free. If the wolf can’t be free, the wolf would rather be dead. You see the ghost, you know the zombie. The rules, the program, the air sucked out of the same old room….No, we are going to change that. We will be free for all sentient beings. How to be free? Drop the pretense and all you think that makes you safe among the “pure and spiritual-” I’m so tired of hearing people say “I’ve been meditating again-” As if now they may be approaching the “good zone” yet once more. I’ve been there – don’t pretend you haven’t. It’s some sort of curse of chronic spiritual infection! There is no striving to get to the “pure.” Aside from being caught in the culture, civilization, rules, regulations, churches, buildings with climate control, screens, artificial lighting— and the list goes on. We are fine and perfect. Exquisite wild and divine beings who have the power of creative immortality beyond any limitation whatsoever. My idea and inspiration is to awaken the primal and pure wild animal within you. This magnificent creature is currently caged and buried in lies. When this part of you gives up is when you feel broken, lethargic, hopeless, angry and confused. It’s a rage so deep it’s without words. It’s a frustration so complete- you do know hopelessness. We do not need to stay here as if it’s our rational destination and spend the rest of our lives pep talking ourselves to make it ok…somehow…but if never is. “Oh it’s my fault.” “Oh I’ll meditate more.” “Oh I’ll be quieter, kinder, more selfless even…”. “Oh, I’ll fast and purify my wicked mind.” “Oh, I’ll pray to so and so.” FUCK IT. Stop being stupid. It hasn’t worked and it NEVER will. It’s a roll a coaster ride just like any other ride here. Spontaneously you can be free. You will know what to do when your primal and divine beast guides you out of your prison. It’s been so long and yet effortlessly we remember the ease of just being true- NOT to them, or the rules. Nothing to prove or defend. Forget it. Let go. Go back to the tree and the moonlight. The mountain shadow and the sun that sparkles after the rain. Seeds grow from darkness into and toward the light and back. That’s how ideas work too. Your craziness isn’t wrong, it is a beckoning toward authentic enlightenment- which is so unique, so bazaar- so eccentric, so asymmetrical – you have to find your tribe and collaborate. You aren’t alone unless you think you are- and then that’s only the poison talking….don’t buy what anyone said. Because you know on an atomic level what you must grow on this earth- in this lifetime. There is a way to know what to do- if there’s no energy in it, it’s not for you. Listen to the calling, not rules or expectations. Not out of fear you’ll go to some sort of hell due to non compliance. My suggestion is, let there be grace by opening to your full primal self. Let the wholeness of holiness guide you. It will work. Stay near to the immaculate. Not immaculate as you have been taught, but as you know in your blood and bones where rules and regulations are obsolete. Because nature has taken over and she is wild, exciting and unpredictable! Let there be light from the dark seed. Let the animal out of the yard.
My dog barks too much at the neighbor and it’s a problem. Not her, the neighborhood with houses too tight. And I can’t stop her or train her because she isn’t wrong. The situation is not natural. But we do our best and she has to wear a special collar now that beeps and buzzes and scares her when she’s “wrong” but she isn’t. I’m doing my best. We take her to the beach and she runs and runs and runs. Then, my spirit soars and my anxiety ends because it’s right. We must try daily to be more right (in this way) than wrong. Because she is a wolf and can’t be controlled or it also kills me a little bit and I snap into what society would have me be and do…do you understand? Daily we do our best to see what we’re doing, supporting, oppressing- moving away from or toward. Yes we will feel suffering because it’s sad how long it’s been and what we’ve done to her. But today is a new day. And everything else is gone but now. It has been said that the earth people are made up of tribes and only those of the same tribe understand each other. I imagine our tribe is smaller but also brighter. So let us practice our immaculate truth as close as we can starting now. There is so much creativity at your command when you stand between the two worlds and are at peace with what is… because of the love you made…and because of the freedom you stood for!
Sharada Devi

Six kinds of loneliness

I didn’t write this. I am posting because I think it’s important.

Six Kinds of Loneliness

“To be without a reference point is the ultimate loneliness. It is also called enlightenment.

In the middle way, there is no reference point. The mind with no reference point does not resolve itself, does not fixate or grasp. How could we possibly have no reference point? To have no reference point would be to change a deep-seated habitual response to the world: wanting to make it work out one way or the other. If I can’t go left or right, I will die! When we don’t go left or right, we feel like we are in a detox center. We’re alone, cold turkey with all the edginess that we’ve been trying to avoid by going left or right. That edginess can feel pretty heavy.

However, years and years of going to the left or right, going to yes or no, going to right or wrong has never really changed anything. Scrambling for security has never brought anything but momentary joy. It’s like changing the position of our legs in meditation. Our legs hurt from sitting cross-legged, so we move them. And then we feel, “Phew! What a relief!” But two and a half minutes later, we want to move them again. We keep moving around seeking pleasure, seeking comfort, and the satisfaction that we get is very short-lived.

The process of becoming unstuck requires tremendous bravery, because basically we are completely changing our way of perceiving reality, like changing our DNA. We are undoing a pattern that is not just our pattern. It’s the human pattern.

We hear a lot about the pain of samsara, and we also hear about liberation. But we don’t hear much about how painful it is to go from being completely stuck to becoming unstuck. The process of becoming unstuck requires tremendous bravery, because basically we are completely changing our way of perceiving reality, like changing our DNA. We are undoing a pattern that is not just our pattern. It’s the human pattern: we project onto the world a zillion possibilities of attaining resolution. We can have whiter teeth, a weed-free lawn, a strife-free life, a world without embarrassment. We can live happily every after. This pattern keeps us dissatisfied and causes us a lot of suffering.

Our Birthright: The Middle Way

As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don’t deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity. To the degree that we’ve been avoiding uncertainty, we’re naturally going to have withdrawal symptoms—withdrawal from always thinking that there’s a problem and that someone, somewhere, needs to fix it.

The middle way encourages us to awaken the bravery that exists in everyone without exception, including you and me.

The middle way is wide open, but it’s tough going, because it goes against the grain of an ancient neurotic pattern that we all share. When we feel lonely, when we feel hopeless, what we want to do is move to the right or the left. We don’t want to sit and feel what we feel. We don’t want to go through the detox. Yet the middle way encourages us to do just that. It encourages us to awaken the bravery that exists in everyone without exception, including you and me.

Meditation provides a way for us to train in the middle way—in staying right on the spot. We are encouraged not to judge whatever arises in our mind. In fact, we are encouraged not to even grasp whatever arises in our mind. What we usually call good or bad we simply acknowledge as thinking, without all the usual drama that goes along with right and wrong. We are instructed to let the thoughts come and go as if touching a bubble with a feather. This straightforward discipline prepares us to stop struggling and discover a fresh, unbiased state of being.

The experience of certain feelings can seem particularly pregnant with desire for resolution: loneliness, boredom, anxiety. Unless we can relax with these feelings, it’s very hard to stay in the middle when we experience them. We want victory or defeat, praise or blame. For example, if somebody abandons us, we don’t want to be with that raw discomfort. Instead, we conjure up a familiar identity of ourselves as a hapless victim. Or maybe we avoid the rawness by acting out and righteously telling the person how messed up he or she is. We automatically want to cover over the pain in one way or another, identifying with victory or victimhood.

When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down.

Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in. It’s restless and pregnant and hot with the desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down.

There are six ways of describing this kind of cool loneliness. They are: less desire, contentment, avoiding unnecessary activity, complete discipline, not wandering in the world of desire, and not seeking security from one’s discursive thoughts.

Less Desire

Less desire is the willingness to be lonely without resolution when everything in us yearns for something to cheer us up and change our mood. Practicing this kind of loneliness is a way of sowing seeds so that fundamental restlessness decreases. In meditation, for example, every time we label “thinking” instead of getting endlessly run around by our thoughts, we are training in just being here without dissociation. We can’t do that now to the degree that we weren’t willing to do it yesterday or the day before or last week or last year. After we practice less desire wholeheartedly and consistently, something shifts. We feel less desire in the sense of being less solidly seduced by our Very Important Story Lines. So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn’t sit for even one, that’s the journey of the warrior. That’s the path of bravery. The less we spin off and go crazy, the more we taste the satisfaction of cool loneliness. As the Zen master Katagiri Roshi often said, “One can be lonely and not be tossed away by it.”


The second kind of loneliness is contentment. When we have nothing, we have nothing to lose. We don’t have anything to lose but being programmed in our guts to feel we have a lot to lose. Our feeling that we have a lot to lose is rooted in fear—of loneliness, of change, of anything that can’t be resolved, of nonexistence. The hope that we can avoid this feeling and the fear that we can’t become our reference point.

When we draw a line down the center of a page, we know who we are if we’re on the right side and who we are if we’re on the left side. But we don’t know who we are when we don’t put ourselves on either side. Then we just don’t know what to do. We just don’t know. We have no reference point, no hand to hold. At that point we can either freak out or settle in. Contentment is a synonym for loneliness, cool loneliness, settling down with cool loneliness. We give up believing that being able to escape our loneliness is going to bring any lasting happiness or joy or sense of well-being or courage or strength. Usually we have to give up this belief about a billion times, again and again making friends with our jumpiness and dread, doing the same old thing a billion times with awareness. Then without our even noticing, something begins to shift. We can just be lonely with no alternatives, content to be right here with the mood and texture of what’s happening.

Avoiding Unnecessary Activities

The third kind of loneliness is avoiding unnecessary activities. When we’re lonely in a “hot” way, we look for something to save us; we look for a way out. We get this queasy feeling that we call loneliness, and our minds just go wild trying to come up with companions to save us from despair. That’s called unnecessary activity. It’s a way of keeping ourselves busy so we don’t have to feel any pain. It could take the form of obsessively daydreaming of true romance, or turning a tidbit of gossip into the six o’clock news, or even going off by ourselves into the wilderness.

The point is that in all these activities, we are seeking companionship in our usual, habitual way, using our same old repetitive ways of distancing ourselves from the demon loneliness. Could we just settle down and have some compassion and respect for ourselves? Could we stop trying to escape from being alone with ourselves? What about practicing not jumping and grabbing when we begin to panic? Relaxing with loneliness is a worthy occupation. As the Japanese poet Ryokan says, “If you want to find the meaning, stop chasing after so many things.”

Complete Discipline

Complete discipline is another component of cool loneliness. Complete discipline means that at every opportunity, we’re willing to come back, just gently come back to the present moment. This is loneliness as complete discipline. We’re willing to sit still, just be there, alone. We don’t particularly have to cultivate this kind of loneliness; we could just sit still long enough to realize it’s how things really are. We are fundamentally alone, and there is nothing anywhere to hold on to. Moreover, this is not a problem. In fact, it allows us to finally discover a completely unfabricated state of being. Our habitual assumptions—all our ideas about how things are—keep us from seeing anything in a fresh, open way. We say, “Oh yes, I know.” But we don’t know. We don’t ultimately know anything. There’s no certainty about anything. This basic truth hurts, and we want to run away from it. But coming back and relaxing with something as familiar as loneliness is good discipline for realizing the profundity of the unresolved moments of our lives. We are cheating ourselves when we run away from the ambiguity of loneliness.

Not Wandering in the World of Desire

Not wandering in the world of desire is another way of describing cool loneliness. Wandering inthe world of desire involves looking for alternatives, seeking something to comfort us—food, drink, people. The word desire encompasses that addiction quality, the way we grab for something because we want to find a way to make things okay. That quality comes from never having grown up. We still want to go home and be able to open the refrigerator and find it full of our favorite goodies; when the going gets tough, we want to yell “Mom!” But what we’re doing as we progress along the path is leaving home and becoming homeless. Not wandering in the world of desire is about relating directly with how things are. Loneliness is not a problem. Loneliness is nothing to be solved. The same is true for any other experience we might have.

Not Seeking Security from One’s Discursive Thoughts

Another aspect of cool loneliness is not seeking security from one’s discursive thoughts. The rug’s been pulled; the jig is up; there is no way to get out of this one! We don’t even seek the companionship of our own constant conversation with ourselves about how it is and how it isn’t, whether it is or whether it isn’t, whether it should or whether it shouldn’t, whether it can or whether it can’t. With cool loneliness we do not expect security from our own internal chatter. That’s why we are instructed in meditation to label it “thinking.” It has no objective reality. It is transparent and ungraspable. We’re encouraged to just touch that chatter and let it go, not make much ado about nothing.

Cool loneliness allows us to look honestly and without aggression at our own minds. We can gradually drop our ideals of who we think we ought to be, or who we think we want to be, or who we think other people think we want to be or ought to be. We give it up and just look directly with compassion and humor at who we are. Then loneliness is no threat and heartache, no punishment.

We can gradually drop our ideals of who we think we ought to be, or who we think we want to be, or who we think other people think we want to be or ought to be.

Cool loneliness doesn’t provide any resolution or give us ground under our feet. It challenges us to step into a world of no reference point without polarizing or solidifying. This is called the middle way, or the sacred path of the warrior. When you wake up in the morning and out of nowhere comes the heartache of alienation and loneliness, could you use that as a golden opportunity? Rather than persecuting yourself or feeling that something terribly wrong is happening, right there in the moment of sadness and longing, could you relax and touch the limitless space of the human heart? The next time you get a chance, experiment with this.”

Hope this helps someone.

Sharada Devi


He drug a stick wherever he went.
Drawing lines upon the earth,
inevitably caught.
She spoke with sweet surrender.
Spinning clouds inside their minds,
inexorably drawn.
This went on
because it always has.
Each prisoner, each key.
My sun day. My moon day.
Soft shapes, sharp angles.
Measurements and harmonies.
Beings from another planet,
left over pieces, fly away.
No more boxes, no more words
to trap me. Either upon this land or inside this mind. The ebb and flow of fire.
Is miraculous, though we still weep.
At his feet. Inside her swollen heart.
We still beg for freedom,
though the game is ours.
And it hurts, these moving pieces.
And it pulls, the lonely child.
And it won’t, disappear beneath the water.
In my sleep or below my breath.
These things I make, then let them break.
I say it isn’t real. I am not this.
Whoever they are, they are sticks
for the fire. She rises as voluptuous smoke,
he burns as he always does for her.
And the child just believes in the light
and wants to be warm.
We are trapped in this family.
I am only a seed, being planted in hearts.
Being burned deep in heads.
Diving into the flames, the little one knows
there is such a thing as immortal as the screen
that beckons with its beloved call.
A flower has no roots inside the floating song.
That is the pain that has no core but devours from the outside in. That is the tremor that has no source but shimmers from the inside out.
And all my words point to the glory. And all my actions point to the dead…
All my blood drains to the life that rises and smiles down upon the flesh.
Little flesh I love who feels the steam between us.
We were born to be wild and free. This is what I have dedicated my life to. Not to the preservation of religious rituals but the unshackling of the truth beyond self imposed boundaries. We are not prisoners of anyone’s box, even our own. No, it’s not easy. Yes, I feel alone in my conviction- because to me, everyone talks but no one makes the crazy move. The wild fox move. I can’t hear the wolf howling from anyone’s heart. Wolves howl to call to each other from far away. The moon draws them into the circle deep in the night. Then they become witches in a secret forest where only the stars know their true names. This is what I believe in and nothing else. Everything else is just theory.  Listen to the sounds of wind and water. Feel the magnetic pull of your spiritual ancestors and stop being afraid beneath the hands of your trainer. Wolves were not meant to be captive. Where freedom is found is an art however because we have to know what the trap really is. Then we have to stop treating ourselves how our captors have treated us and we need to stop playing victim and call out with all the power of our soul. Wild and forever free. We do know the truth that cannot ever be caught. Because we feel the pain of ignoring it’s call deep within our bodies. Civilization is all wrong. Grids and rules are not real, not really. There is something more that we can’t ignore, because it’s turning from a breeze into a tornado.
Sharada Devi

Transmutation Circle


Life is made of magical components. Alchemy, tantra, it’s all the same calling. Moving from impure perception to pure perception. Metamorphosis- Born in one state and delivered to another state. Seeing the truth- Time alone will break you down, yes. But a magician, an alchemist or a true yogi (all the same person) is a transforming vessel of light constantly. A vortex pulling all dark matter toward her/him to initiate an eventual resurrection. Before resurrection comes the artistry. Even the sacrifices are beautiful, the decay, the suffering. If the final product, which is not only you but everything you’ve ever had contact with- is reborn into another level of itself. You can say this is a refinement, a scouring- something made to blaze its inherent light. This is exactly what human life is for. That we gain the awareness to take the reigns and do the work. Alchemists call it the Great Work. Turning darkness into light. Really just allowing the space to remember. To create space we need to create clarity. This is the blackening where things need to be purged. If involves rotting and decay. There needs to be awareness/ this changes the results. Because life itself will rot you. But when the magical power of awareness/devotion are applied to this process- a true human being will be the result. Which is a being of incomparable creativity and emotional power. There is nothing more majestic than a human who accomplishes the goal of our human existence. So please don’t let life blunt you and make you dull. Turn yourself toward the sun. Fill yourself with the moon. Be the silver raging river that becomes the silver raging sky.
The transmutation circle is the place you go both literally and metaphorically. Where awareness occurs – comprehension, deconstruction and then reconstruction. There will be a rebound effect. That is why the circle must be drawn. Moving through time and space creates a line. Standing in one place and spiraling creates a circle. That is the butterfly effect. So our actions are potent forces we do not fully comprehend. If we did, we would change a lot that we are doing and are not doing. Become the one who sees butterflies everywhere inside of everything and then become the artist who just has to set them free. Nothing else matters. You will get what you want that is guaranteed. So what’s going on? Everyone is in a controlled shambles and doing nothing with it. To really be inside the transmutation circle you must fall deep and you must rise high. Seeing everywhere only you. Let yourself out. Let yourself go. Be as wild as that peace was meant to be.
Sharada Devi

Tunnels and time travel

My head became the shape of an eight.

Then there was lightening inside my head.
The tunnel is behind me.
I am an opening in a tunnel
that goes back indefinitely.
The tunnel goes forward as well once we get back inside. At death I mean.
To stop tunnel travel, end the useless opening.
As yourself. (Who is) always looking around for opportunity as a gopher does from its hole. End your self is the way.
Close the tunnel now. I am only a kink in the tunnel. Sidetracked by time. Death is the continuation to another point in time. Where you pop from the tunnel once again.
All is made up of tunnels. What we must master is tunnel travel. In order to stop it I mean. Block the holes, there are many.
My mouth is a vortex. These commandments come from far away. From another opening.
Tunnel inside tunnel inside tunnel.
I then ask myself, within what do these tunnels exist if their creation depends upon time space and this imaginary me?
The tunnels exist within me and I within them. That is the shape of eight. I see you looked closely at your reflection. I see I saw once again words. The mirror reflects and deflects, mirages and cadence———-
Be brave onlooker and shave away the skin.
——————————-more thoughts
Dreams are not hallucinations, they are messages from the deep well within. They are the subconscious mind exercising it’s will to heal you. Do not look the other way and blame someone else. Be a true dreamer and open wide to dark mind’s ideas and answers.
Words and thoughts are solid things. You cannot hide your thoughts though you keep them silent. Do not be ashamed of your thoughts. See yourself for what you are, a great mystery waiting to be revealed. To you, by you.
Where there is a will there is a way. Get your will aligned with your spiritual potential and make magic in your life once again.
Do not resist the way things are. Do not be trapped in fear’s attempt to secure your assets. You alone are the creator of these tunnels. It’s therefore best to create space in all its various ways- to get clear and stop wasting your energy burrowing like a rat. There is no way out until we stop acting like rodents.
What you want and what you have is no distance at all. Remember that and stop making excuses. There is no such thing as defeat. Perception is everything——————
The mind is currently insane and you can see why. I hope you are able to view my words from above as if you were an eagle looking down upon the place you live. It looks different from above. The mind is currently in a soft panic and you may be in denial of this. I hope you are able to feel my words from below as if you were the roots of the tree itself trying to hold up the leaning trunk. It feels different from down below.
So these tunnels we have made are based on these reasons and more. It’s complicated- the past and how to resolve what is left buried there. We can’t leave anything though we die. Not in this game as long as we’re playing it. Worshipping time as we do, all in the ways we were taught- which are the mistakes of our people. Time will give us nothing back but more sorrow. We must be more graceful than that. We must align with a different team of players. Players who understand the game. Who is in control of your mind-  because it’s not you. That’s our first breakthrough.
Make space and stop digging holes to crawl through. This is not a metaphor.
Sharada Devi

Your life can be perfectly yours

To “just be” will require “right effort. To “let go of effort” will take discipline. The eightfold path can be counted upon for its wisdom. The masters never became masters by just “being” without much (right) effort leading up to that. This ease of life will be contrary to how badly we want to strive after things. The question is why are we striving? Usually the striving has a fear base. That is wrong effort and will only lead to more fear. To move beyond that into a state of effortless being will take precision. It will require and lots of practice to “let go of efforts and just be.”  It will take a complete and fearless commitment to a type of surrender we may not completely understand. But in our bones we know this road we cling to with all our wrong efforts leads to more trouble for ourselves and others. You will need a lot of discipline to re-train your mind to be in the space of “let go and just be.” That is why a spiritual teacher, satsang and a personal structured practice is so vital unless we are once again deceiving ourselves- which is a great snare in this day and age. Everyone imagining with all the new age slogans being thrown around that they’ve arrived somewhere or have attained something more than they have. By attainment I mean- a level of consciousness that is capable of discriminating where they realistically are in the process and therefore able to move most effectively in a progressive way forward rather than circling in their karmic loops which is typical.  It will take a huge heroic (right) effort to become one who truly can “let go and just be.”  Purified, sanctified and lightened of the dark tendencies to self destruct in the wrong direction. Tamasic “just being” will take you there. Satwic “just being” takes a level of purity. Purity is only sustained through precision which will require (especially early on) some rajasic energy- which is frictional and creates heat (tapas fire) this happens with discipline fueled by right effort (among other things- like a teacher, satsang and daily practice)
So when I say it’s tricky to simply say “Let go of all your efforts and just be.” It’s true.
A person whose striving and ambitious will feel much different hearing that then one who lies around kicking back all day.  This is the reason for the eightfold path. Relax and realize there is work to be done. While not pulling too hard, lest we make the knots harder to untie…
The reason why I gave the practice that I did a couple days ago on this blog is because I want to help and inspire- is because my only hope from here is that it will draw you closer to your own true nature and you will then eventually realize these truths for yourselves. I only preach what I practice. I can do no more than that. I can only speak of where I’ve been. And even in the midst of these statements, I must remain aware that I myself am limited by my own ignorance. The greatest fall will be when you imagine you have risen to a place you have not. The greatest protection is humility and an open heart/mind. The mind holds tight to its own righteousness only when it is feeling defensive- which has its roots in fear. No one can take from you what truly belongs to you. So an open mind and heart can be very helpful. I am not religious. When I refer to Buddhism it is because I view it as a science rather than a religion and I tune in to its essence not any superficial dogma that may be attached. I also refer to Taoism because of the basic premise of “You are enough, just relax.”

“The Eightfold Path consists of eight practices: right view, right resolve, right speech, right conduct, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right samadhi (‘meditative absorption or union’). These practices started with understanding that the body-mind works in a corrupted way (right view), followed by entering the Buddhist path of self-observance, self-restraint, and cultivating kindness and compassion; and culminating in samadhi, which re-inforces these practices for the development of the body-mind.”

“You might think Right Effort means practicing hard, but that’s not necessarily so. Do not forget the Middle Way, between extremes. Don’t force yourself to endure extreme aesthetic practices or push yourself to exhaustion. If your practice becomes a “chore,” that’s a problem. Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh says, “The Fourfold Right Diligence is nourished by joy and interest. If your practice does not bring you joy, you are not practicing correctly.”

The Buddha taught that practice should be like a well-tuned string instrument. If the strings are too loose, they won’t play a sound. If they are too tight, they will break. Practice should be nourishing, not draining.”

“When you think of Right Effort also think of the Five Hindrances. These are:

  1. Sensual desire
  2. Ill will
  3. Sloth, torpor, or drowsiness
  4. Restlessness and worry
  5. Uncertainty or skepticism

These are five qualities that interfere with Right Effort. The Buddha taught that mindfulness of breath, body sensations, feelings, and thoughts will overcome the hindrances.” (That is the practice I gave.)

You also need exercise. Sedentary is bad for the body flow and will keep you stuck in your head totally disconnected from the reality of your body. It’s like the temple needs the windows open every morning for some fresh air. If you don’t know this or feel this, you are disconnected. Please exercise daily for an hour and apply adequate effort so your body feels alive.

The basics of proper diet, adequate sleep and enough exercise cannot be stressed enough.

Your life can be perfectly yours is my point.

Love, Sharada Devi

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