Invoking blue fire


Mount Shasta Retreat 7/28-8/2

In this retreat I will share with you my personal practices.

We will focus on the transformative power of samadhi by invoking the Goddess Kundalini who lives in our bodies as the creative force of God. We will practice listening to her, communicating with her and channeling her through various tantric and yogic practices.  

From morning until night we will worship her from the inside out. In our sleep she will come to us in dreams and she will speak to us there.  Our bodies will become the light that is made of her, not in our heads but in our hearts…we will see, feel and hear nothing but her- everywhere.  

Samadhi is necessary for transformation and overcoming karma.  It is achieved through tapas, devotion and the decent of grace. We are only separate because we have allowed ourselves to be for a very long time. So long, that we have forgotten the light that we come from at a cellular level. The Goddess Kundalini is capable of making us remember at a level so deep our dna is altered. 

So this is really all about the dissolution of misconception. This is all about realizing the truth of who we actually are. We are rainbow crystals. 

Our life purpose as humans is all about the activation of our halo.  Everything else we’re focused on is a temporary distraction.

Because earthly life is the Diamond Body Path and the way to ascend is through her blue fire.



(silence until lunch) 

5am- cold showers (for those willing) 

5:30-6 tea 

6-7 a.m. pranayama and mahamudra meditation 

7-7:30 tea/fruit 

7:30-9am kundalini yoga, chanting  and gong bath. 

9am-11am  – channeling the subconscious – creativity – writing, dream analysis, self portrait drawings etc

11:30-2:30 (silence ends) lunch break- lake swimming etc 

2:30 – 5pm – individual sharing and creative self expression- access to microphone and “stage area” included  *each person will be videotaped *videos will be beautifully edited and sent to you after the retreat. 

5:30 – 7pm – kitchari and tea

7pm- 8pm  – moon bathing, purification fire and chanting. Om Mani Padme Hum 

8-9pm – private time 

9pm silence, journaling, prayers to the sky – and bed. 

For more information 

The Butterfly Room

She could smell the bodies burning below, from the butterfly room, where she sat. Watching, waiting for her turn. It was to be a future of flames. Did she believe in God, did it matter? Because not long from now she would find out, what awaited her on the other side. Would she know the place she was going, would she remember where she was when she got there? Would someone be there to take her at the threshold – where maybe…just maybe – her old memories were waiting. Memories of other times just like this one…where in the end, she was ok…perhaps. Or would she just disappear into the blackest silence she could imagine?

Yes, she thought about these things as she watched the unmoving butterflies on the wall. The ones she had carved with a sharp stick as the days slowly passed. The ones she remembered from the sky. That flew. Before. When she was free.

She was still young, and she was beautiful. Of course that didn’t matter now. Because all that was coming to an end. It was almost her turn. One body per day was the rate at which they killed and burned. Those like her; the dark and the evil. The ones cursed by God. They celebrated these deaths as blessed victories of their piety.

So her body became a cocoon where she hid. Until there was nothing inside but the sound of rustling wings.

The killers believed they were doing God’s work. Nothing else mattered but their fear of forces beyond their control. Whether that force be a God or a Devil  it didn’t matter, only choosing sides and acting accordingly did. Which meant she was not on there side. Based on accusations and imaginings of what she did out in the forest. Unmarried, not clothed modestly. Behaving in ways that were inappropriate to those on God’s side. Yes, this was the idea they had of her and so; like the others being sent back to hell, she had to die.

In the butterfly room time was frozen and space was tight. Flaming crosses filled their eyes. Ashes and fumes rose as she scraped wings into the walls of her body…

imagining the flower on which she would land.

(life for her is my memory. she has no name)

Sharada Devi

light, love. music and silence.

strength of focus

life can be really hard. we go through things that aren’t so easy to get over or we ourselves have a chronic condition- physical health, mental health or otherwise.  Realizing you’re going to need to make an inner declaration- when it’s either me or this thing I struggle with- who will it be?

Did I come this far to lose my autonomy, give up on myself now?

Is surrender really throwing in the towel or is this a challenge to my ability to maneuver and realign myself so that I can not be taken down but transformed into a bigger, brighter more powerful version of me?

No direction. Feels like stuck in a pattern or a hang up.

Yoga without asana is a thing, it’s the real thing. The asanas are a tool for grounding and connecting and practicing non reactivity but the so called yoga doesn’t end there bc truly, that’s not it. 

Everything I talk about is the subtle practice the challenges the reality of what becoming a complete person, not a western person practicing hinduism but a real person practicing the authenticity of themselves- and it’s not easy as there’s no ground in this place – and everyone wants what’s obvious and marketable but we are westerners and learning sanskrit words etc does not make you adept at yoga – nothing external does – not flexibility/ not any of it. 

motherlight yoga is the way I have made sense of it all based on my experience, knowledge and practical wisdom. we do need a baseline and that’s for each person to discover. within that process of that very personal self discovery there are basic ancient truths to work with. the truth of sound moving light (nada yoga) the truth of a secret fire at the base of our spines being the light of creation. (kundalini yoga) and the truth that we ourselves are the deity we are worshipping (bhakti yoga)

so there is light, love, music and silence that form creation. we are expressions of that creativity and motherlight yoga intends to refine that truth from the inside out.

because there is something in the darkness that is feeding us the light.

we need to meet it and make it ours.
Sharada Devi

Mount Shasta Retreat with Sharada Devi

July 28- Aug 3, 2022

Mount Shasta is believed by many to be a giant hollow crystal with an entire city of ancient lemurians living inside. This makes sense. I believe it’s true. There are stories and experiences that cannot be otherwise explained. You can feel it…especially at twilight.

Come to Mount Shasta and see for yourself! 

kundalini yoga •nada yoga •kirtan •meditation •mother nature and a lot more…

$648 – food and accommodations included. $108 deposit required. 

Om Mani Padme Hum ❤️

Mount Shasta Retreat with Sharada Devi 7/28- 8/03, 2022



☀️July 27 – Aug 2, 2022

❤️$648 for 6 nights and 7 days. *I have done my very best to keep this retreat as affordable as possible.

☀️organic Ayurvedic mono meals and basic accommodations are included in cost. 

❤️ choice of accommodations – can be dorm style or you can bring your own tent and camp – (it’s in a national forest) – there are plenty of nice bathroom facilities in the main house and the gathering hall.

☀️bring an instrument that you can play. (optional)

❤️ $108 non-refundable deposit to reserve your space.

☀️ balance is due by 7/10/22. (non-refundable but can be applied to future retreats)

❤️ send email to – for questions and to reserve your space. ❤️☀️

This kind and wise, mystery person just wrote this on my YouTube…

and it’s written so well with such clarity. I don’t know who this person is but I thank them for making me feel such relief. Because I’m so weary of the game.

Yes, I am currently writing the memoir, “Be Here Then.” I’m about 1/3 done…

but it’s a lot to go step by step through every memory so graphically – reliving them all -so I can write it into something readable. It’s sad and stirs up the old feelings….plus I do get tired of most everyone’s interest in me – really being only about their interest in him…maybe I get resentful. But I tell myself it’s not their fault, I would probably be the same way. He does have a way about him (well, at least he used to) …and I go through days and weeks saying to myself, “Why did I have to get mixed up in this…why couldn’t it have been something or someone else…how could I do this…become a discarded manager, cook, bell player back up singer…when I know that I am more…I know that I am- it’s just a weird mess…

but then, if I’m honest – I realize it’s probably the best thing that could have happened to someone like me. Raised in a cult, abused as a child, not allowed to go to college (the cult wouldn’t permit it)

All I had was my devotion to Kali because I had discovered her on my own in a dream -as a way to not fear my own darkness- because I did. I was terrified of myself. If sounds crazy but I was on a serious path of self destruction once I realized God didn’t “love me because my heart wasn’t pure” or rather I “didn’t love the God that planned on killing everyone who wasn’t in the cult….so once I found my own God miraculously I was reborn. For years I searched and when I met BD it was the perfect toxic, yet enchanting combination. Me and him. He embodied all the Kali I needed- and mostly I didn’t -because his “version” of Kali was demonic and mine wasn’t. So we went to war. I won – and so I stayed to convert him so I could get behind him- (in his shadow as he would say- but apparently his shadow was mine too) and he could continue to inspire people like only he could do. I lost my inspiration but never my love. I have wounds that I don’t think will heal, but I do my best. My love still isn’t lost – it’s just swarming….all around me.

Protecting me mostly – but stinging me sometimes with its brutal light. I guess that’s how I see the love I feel. I guess that’s who I was as well. BD cannot stop me from loving him. I will not only love him to death but beyond that – beyond the betrayal and disgrace. All the stupid lies…

He never dreamed – but while we were together he had 2 dreams and they were very vivid and life like I was told. In one dream he was introducing me to Neem Karoli Baba and it was a bliss filled dream in which I became NKB’s daughter (because BD was his “son” in Hindu culture due to the ritual they performed at the kumbh mela.) In another dream he was worshipping me as a holy child upon a throne when a waspy woman from underneath reached up from the darkness – grabbed his wrist and loudly hissed , “Don’t forget about me!” He was terrified and said his wrist was burning when he woke up. That dream upset him – he even brought it up years later…he would say, “I just want to worship you…I don’t want to be with her.”

Over four years ago he started acting out and would not stop- so from Guatemala I went to India – and upon leaving I said, “Deal with your darkness, I’ll be back.” But he didn’t. (And I had meant what I said- I had a long talk with him the night before I left)

Instead he started partying and searching for women …who could replace me. And now, here we are trying to wake up from that bad dream. I want to wake up. I want to be the golden light, like how I saw Kali before she showed me her dark side that this world seems to love so much. And I don’t think Kali is some sexy, black bitch goddess. I think she is the sky – and the sky changes. But not really. The sky is like love, always there. NKB told BD – “you will leave me but I will never leave you.” And it’s funny, because that’s how I feel too. It’s hard to watch someone you love hurt themselves and hurt you- and especially when it hurts others and makes people feel deceived, disoriented, discouraged- I get it. It takes a horrible courage. And I’m still here.

This comment is from my YouTube channel -that I appreciate so much- this kind and wise – mystery person, I thank you.

love, Sharada Devi

I think a lot of people who participate in the “spirituality” sphere seem to think being spiritual means being “positive” and “loving” all the time, but they often completely miss the mark. Truly being spiritual, positive, loving (whatever you name it) isn’t being a passive push over who remains unaffected by pain/sorrow/guilt/shame/darkness/etc. It means always striving for authenticity. Turning the other cheek doesn’t mean allow oneself to be walked all over and abused. Sometimes love is fierce. Sometimes love says no. Sometimes compassion is telling someone they are fucking up; telling yourself you’re fucking up. It’s not burying your anger/fear/sorrow and pretending to be “positive”. It’s allowing what IS to BE, so it can come to the surface and heal. You did what you had to do for yourself, and for Kermit (I think he’s had enough God complex stroking), it’s unfortunate that he didn’t use your split as a catalyst to dive deep and look at his own pit of despair and wake of destruction (we all have one). Sometimes the right thing to do is the thing that will hurt the most. The hurt is good. It’s possibly the only times in our life that are truly authentic. Until we face our demons they will continue to haunt us and those we interact with. Personally I made a decision to throw out most of my “spiritual” paraphernalia a couple years ago because I saw through the facade. It was all a lie. Those beads didn’t bring me peace. I wasn’t utilizing the teachings in those books. I was pacifying myself with a warm blanket of “spirituality”. My anger still persisted, and every single look in the mirror was met with shame. I wasn’t being true. I had to let it all go and start over. I’m still flawed. I still have inner pain that needs to be worked out, but at least I’m not hiding anymore. At least actively 😂. I appreciate you. I think the people who are shitty to you are just Bhagavan fanboys who use him as an idol, as their own security blanket, and if their beloved “holy man” is so unholy then their illusions begin to fade, and they just can’t have that. I also think a lot of these people are so out of touch with true love that they simply don’t understand what you’re doing. They don’t realize you are acting out of love rather than a place of malice. That’s the thing with these people: they push away everything bad and icky because they don’t understand love. They don’t understand that love is without condition. They fear being authentic because they think they’ll be rejected the same exact way they reject all the ugly in their life. It’s sad. I still have a tremendous amount of love for Bhagavan Das. Without him Richard Alpert never would have met Maharaji, and I very well may never have been introduced to Hindu philosophy. So many cultural phenomena balance on upon that point in time. I think you said it on your blog, but they really are still all living in the 60s. They’re still chasing the high of Maharaji. It’s like they never heard the words he spoke. They’re still searching for an external guru, search for their next hit like drug addicts. I saw a recent video of Krishna Das and Rhagu in India with some “guru” (much younger than them) touching his feet and fawning over him. They looked like the same lost, scared, sad children that ran off to India some 60 years ago. What happened to be here now? Anyway, I’m done now. Blessings to you in this new year. I’m looking forward to reading the book you’re talking about writing. I’ve always wanted some real insight into the underbelly of the Bhagavan Das/Ram Dad’s/Neem Karoli Baba cult (respectfully. Not using cult as a pejorative) With love.

Mount Shasta Retreat with Sharada Devi 7/28- 8/03, 2022

We are returning to Mount Shasta this summer! This retreat will be unlike any other. Make the pilgrimage to this holy mountain where you are free to be both the wild yogi and the howling goddess.

There will be meditation, fire ceremony, dancing, singing and yoga. There will be sharing from the heart, art and creative writing. There will be love and support and inspiring transformational awakenings…and still there will be more unexpected mystical magic!

You will not want to miss this opportunity to make new friends and reunite with friends from before. It’s always such a fun, easy going and purifying experience out in the sacred forest with amazing views of the divine mountain. Swim in the lake or sit by the river. Take a walk through the wild flowers or stare at the stars…rejuvenate your soul and ignite your spirit. Remember the Mother Light!

$648 for 6 nights and 7 days.

*organic Ayurvedic mono meals and basic accommodations provided.

*choice of accommodations can be dorm style or you can bring your own tent and camp – (it’s in a national forest)

*bring an instrument that you can play.

$108 non-refundable deposit to reserve space.

balance due by 7/10/22. (also non-refundable but can be applied to future retreats)

*send email to – for questions and to sign up.

left for free

to radhe, (the reason why is)

ever since I left the casket of his wife

people stopped reading my blog.

thousands of entries and

millions of tears later…

you write about these dresses

from a body long ago.

nobody wants to know what it’s like

to be buried by someone else’s life.

I am for free, I cannot charge,

because nobody wants to pay,

like I did – or even a dollar.

to me, who gave it all.

my self, my body, my soul.

I float, and I hear

what you are all thinking.

deep in heads, the sky particle.

needles, flesh, fear.

my words were there, listen.

however much you try

to escape, you won’t.

not until you’ve left the man.

the man, who uses, abuses

and we ignore the lies…

put your mask back on,

sacrifice your body.

pretend…keep pretending.

remember the lights…

in the basket woven of twigs…

that basket was woven of me…

the dresses were filled with the wind.

is that why you loved,

that picture, because

in that flash nothing had to be real,

just a whisper. a light not yet captured…

but it was.

the light that escaped the crowds

of the people who already left,

they belong to him, not me.

I am empty, not seen.

because it is impossible to stop

the flash and hold it…

and that’s what I don’t yet understand

about myself.

love. sharada devi

Tapas – it doesn’t matter if you’re cold already

It doesn’t matter if you’re cold already 

What matters is that you understand the urgency of the situation.

Every day we wake up, born again but alas, still blurry…still doing what we are programmed and commanded to do- by our families, jobs, conditionings, karma…endless ways we stay in the comfortable prison box.

But I say get up. In the dark early morning – and face the shock that ultimately is inescapable anyway- face it. Die by your own hand. And do it daily.

Face the ice water bath. Get fear out of the way. Command yourself. Reprogram your nervous system.

Personally, I sit submerged under the ice water and do tummo meditation- it’s how the (real) yogis – dissolve the ice around them in the Himalayas – by becoming the flame. I do it because I’m obsessed with death and I’ve been traumatized repeatedly in my life – nothing works like the nonverbal messages we send out subconscious mind- nothing works like getting down to the bare bones of the problem.

We all face the same problem. We forget our power to burn through the lie. The truth lives within us as a flame.

This flame burns in your cauldron. You have to give it a reason to burn more brightly.

It’s you. No one else can do it.

I’ll offer you simple things. Like courage and reminders – of who you really are. 

An an inextinguishable flame in a world of (false) warm and comfortable darkness. 

But it’s going to take some (real) tapas to shine like that. Sharada Devi

Pac-Man sucks

Do you understand how important it is to learn how to die? 

After you accomplish that, you enter the in-between where everything churns and if all goes well, you’re born again. 

In the big picture that’s the birth and death of the body.

In the immediate picture you need to learn how to do it in life.

This ranges from second to second – to year to year- to chapter after chapter.

Your life should become an interesting, poetic and beautiful book that would inspire anyone who read it to also transform themselves.

Use the past to make now work. Let go of the past that drains you and keeps you entrenched in its habits.

It’s an art to die. It’s the exact same as creating – but in reverse.

So everyone must be an artist in their life, sifting through the past for valuable remnants – and burning the useless for more fuel – for the fire of life-

death must come first in all its fiery anguish. Fear is the battle. The fear has deep and deceptive roots.

This is a game, just like Pac-Man. Don’t stay at the beginning only eating the apple and getting caught.

No, get to the banana and fuck all those little wicked monster ghosts who used to catch us in corners and suffocate us – for their demon food. 

No, empty that screen of its dots, it’s demons and it’s it’s fruits. 

Win this. Because Pac-Man sucks. 

Sharada Devi