…really in my F’ing way.

I ask myself  

Do I really want to get this ball rolling?

Then I sit and stare at the wall. 

I’ve been known to stare at the wall for days. No joke. I won’t even change my clothes. There’s no mirror to show me who I am. There is nothing. There’s just me, the ball and these walls.

It’s just so much to ask. 

Maybe I should look in the mirror.

That fucking ball. Makes me tired just knowing it’s there.

How did I become this person. I suppose there’s no self, whatever they say – why not? I’m willing to give believing it a shot. It hasn’t worked yet.  I really believe that I’m nobody, which keeps the ball asking…”move me, won’t you move me?”

God, daily, it’s all just too much. Nothing doing something – SOMEHOW. ALL THE TIME.

I have two really stupid dogs I’m supposed to love. I can take cute pictures of them – I can edit. But it’s just me showing you what I want you to see. 

The truth is, they fight over the same worn out pink bunny all day, every day. They bark like idiots. And they beg for food that they know they’re not going to get. They both have their balls that they covet but are too dumb to play a game of fetch with. It’s painful. They clutch these little rubber balls in their mouths and sit there fixated- staring at each other’s ball for hours. They won’t exercise. One time I drug them around by their leashes with my electric bike. Omg. That was bad.

Then there’s Jingle Bells who sits in the tower watching it all – It’s rare that my cat gives a fuck – but when she does, those shadows better watch out. 

And this is it for me. And I shut them out. And when I’m supposed to be meditating, I start writing with no purpose in sight.

Does God really have a “plan” for me?

It’s hard to believe, but like I said, I’m willing to give it a shot.

But my mind. And the ball. And the walls that I watch like they’ll move if I’m still – are REALLY in my F’ing way.

Omg.

Sharada Devi 

32 thoughts on “…really in my F’ing way.”

  1. I feel the ball, which makes me feel like i’m with you. a sparkle comes with that. just enough to come back to that f’ing ball…

    1. You feel it too?

      A part of me
      doesn’t want to write anything
      or say anything
      it all makes me weary, gives
      me anxiety.

      I did delete today
      but I made myself put it back.

      I just wrote it down like you said.

      And I’m just like WHY? What is this waste of nothingness I just can’t shake?

      That’s the ball I’m talking about.
      It won’t go.

          1. I exercise to ward off death.

            I semi – starve to ward off death.

            I meditate to ward off fear of death.

            I write to ward off anxiety that fear causes.

            I talk knowing no one can hear me or help me.

            On that final day when I find nothing worked.

            Haha. It has driven me to live like the end is my every moment.

            And you can see what that is. It’s me.

            The pointless ball.

    1. Maybe better to say

      “You don’t go down,
      You don’t get out”

      Maybe just wishful thinking though.

      I’ve been going down for like forever…

        1. 🤣 those words cancel each other out!

          like how we go in circles together w no end in sight…

          bouncing the ball.

          You – trying to help me escape myself
          and I appreciate it.

          they might call that eternity, wouldn’t that be funny – since we always thought it would feel like so much more than just chatter.

          But thanks – you don’t drop that ball.

          Got to go exercise my ass off now.
          Like literally🤣

          1. i dont know.

            it’s hard sometimes, and deeper than I was ready for. but because I’m willing to keep going, it doesn’t feel like just chatter. but that we are connected, and when I feel that way, i don’t want you to escape, but feel me, us, inside the ball. it almost sounds romantic like a snowglobe, but it feels a little sharper and duller somehow- probably our combination, you being sharp and me being dull 🙂

  2. i really like this painting.
    of the ball , and all.
    or is it a cosmic photograph?
    anyway, it has certainly captured my attention.
    although it does seem to be moving. in fact, it seems to be rolling, really fast. like spinning. spinning in infinity. or maybe it’s been bouncing off the walls at a rapid lightening ⚡️pace. faster than the eye can see. kinda like you exercising your ass off.
    if you look real close, it kinda looks like there’s a whirling dervish frenetically dancing within the nucleus of that f’ing ball…

    btw,
    just what form of motion do you use, to stave off the inevitable ?

    1. it’s a cosmic painting.
      Yes it’s moving,
      Yes it’s fast!

      I do yoga and I do Tracy Anderson method and I walk a lot- sometimes up to 12 miles a day when I’m all mentally jacked up, it helps.

      Anything mindless tends to help me.

  3. what goes up will come down but soon enough it will go up again!
    you are an excellent artist writer, whatever you do will be worth it when its over.
    you can sit w/ ur dogs and cat and think about the next project.

    much respect and peace love and many blessings

    1. oh god, the animals don’t help, they’re insane!

      Talk about up and down. One little troll walks in circles. The other chubby troll stares at me like a stalker. I read online that the circle walker has fairly unresolvable mental problems. He fits all the symptoms. The stalker dog, I don’t know. I just try to avoid eye contact…

      Thank you for what you said, I appreciate your positivity, it’s a great quality that I hope rubs off on me!

  4. Its easy and tempting to not do anything. I used to feel this way. Until i became so wrapped up in activity where activity became a meditation. Im actually unable to sit and meditate now and fall asleep every time due to exhaustion.

    Everything can be seen as pointless. This comment is pointless, but if it can inspire and enlighten other people then its something worth doing.

    I stopped meditating for myself.no samadhi yet.
    Ive stopped writing for myself. No big book deals yet.
    Failure will destroy these ambitions. But i continue to do so for helping others. Nothing has a point, but we need everyones support more than ever.

    1. Expectations are a problem. Projections are a problem too. There is only you, in that box and no thought or not thought is true. No word and no action we imagine helps others will eradicate our own deep seeded demons.

      It will continue to trick and trap us.
      The mind who thinks it’s helping us.

      We try all sorts of escapes from the mesh.
      It’s really weird…and kind of sad.

      That we end up thinking so little of ourselves that now it’s about someone else. But it isn’t and it can’t ever be.

      It’s only about us and how weak and little we can’t get over being until the tables turn…and that’s yoga.

      It’s mysterious, this darkness we wade through…

      1. Anything you suggest to thwart entities and demons from harassing me? I’m finding that they are seriously ramping up their game!

        Much appreciated. Thinking about you on the psychic realm.

        1. Yes.
          strengthen your aura and your devotion.
          I’ve been through hell. I have notebooks filled with astral conversations. That’s when I thought I had to write down everything they said. It’s deceptive especially when you don’t realize your thoughts may not even be your own. And none of it matters anyway.

          To open the heart is a serious commitment. It doesn’t just happen. It takes a hardcore bad ass.

          1. Thank you. Any thing you can suggest to strengthen aura that I may not know? I used to have a solid meditation practice but now I always fall asleep. I don’t know how the world is going to play out. It feels like it’s becoming literally satanic. Feels like psychic war/hell. Feels like I’m getting tortured psychically some days. I’m seeing alot of shadowy figures. Do you have experience with special milatary/Gov soldiers in invisible suits? Not that it matters…

          2. Yes, it’s a very shocking and scary time.
            Shocking bc of how ignorant everyone is.
            And scary bc of how they all fall in line.

            If you do pranayama- long deep ujaya breathing- thinking a mantra on both the inhale and exhale – and you stay diligent/ you will not fall asleep.

            That breathing will strengthen your nervous system and prana. Exercising minimum of one hour a day at least 5 days a week is very important/ and I don’t mean taking a leisurely stroll. Build your body and strengthen it- and your heart.

            Don’t be lazy. Don’t think too much. Stay on top of the game. It’s your only hope.

            Obviously the “satsang” – human and in person/ NOT ON THE SCREEN- gives the most protection/ unfortunately, nobody really believed that/ and now everyone is stuck pretty much in isolation getting picked off one by one.

            Not even aware of it. Playing guru games on Facebook. All the quotes and pictures…no, it’s NOT enough, neither is this back and forth.

            The people didn’t show up, but they should have. There aren’t many real humans left I’m afraid. I’m still looking.

            According to Buddhist tantra- those demons – military beings- shadowy figures – are all inside you. They shapeshift and change. In that way they are not real. Meet them now or meet them in the bardo. The darkness is deep. It’s within. And if we don’t master our minds we will be fooled again and paralyzed.

  5. This one hit me deep. Oftentimes I don’t know what at all to do even if others it seems so simple. I had a core piercing experience the other day that shook me with the fact I never really know what to do or not to do or what’s even worthwhile. There’s some distant lingering feeling like I should move on and leave and I don’t even know what im trying to move from or leave. I hope all is well I’ve thought about you recently. Always a gift reading your work.

    1. Hi Justin,

      I think what you’re feeling is the most normal thing to feel for anyone still clinging to the heart’s God Light rather than the A.I.
      Simple basic human truths seem to shrouded more than ever. And unless you’re one of them, you’re all alone – at least in the illusion we all share. And it can make one feel despondent, confused, frustrated and even hopeless at a times. I know how you feel and there’s no easy fix- the only answer is to challenge yourself to become stronger and sharper everyday. And of course, stay away from the wrong people.

  6. Bringing heaven and earth together
    In the first and final forever
    Opulent morning skys
    Edges of a marshmallow flower tornado
    Of a sea hounds love
    The bird calls
    The wind dances

    Kissing the cosmos
    Sita and ram
    look all the way
    into her starry eyes
    🐇

  7. left a good job in the city. That I was fired from. Multiple times, and keep going back to. Working for small increments of time and not sleeping well.

    Sometimes I dream about just playing in a jug band on a river boat. Idk. I heard about a guy that did it- Sal. Said the pay wasn’t good but they fed you and helped you get where you needed to go.

    But I just keep going back to work at “Jefferson’s used condom store” which is right outside of Coxackie.

    It’s embarrassing. People come in and say I didn’t dry the condoms enough or that they need it in a small size and meanwhile all I really want to do is play in a gd jug band.

    They called him “Slippery Sal”, but that’s for another time

  8. Thank you. It feels comforting to know there is someone out there who gets it. I won’t elaborate anymore on that issue, so your site doesn’t get shut down and your fans don’t get pissed off….

    Hard to believe that the west coast which I thought was higher consciousness is the most complicit to servitude.who would’ve thought the deep south would be bastions for freedom. I fall asleep when I meditate cause I have an 8 month old. But I’m determined to get it back. It’s hard cause alot of teachers can’t even enter the country now. So I guess this will do, even know it’s not the answer. I’m worried how much darker the world will descend before people wake up. Gardening helps, animals help. Appreciate this site, even if it’s digital, you’re one of the very few people I’ve encountered that is aware of the situation or predicament on all levels. Have a blessed day.

    1. It’s really REALLY hard. Conjure up the God force that lives within you. Even if you only spend five minutes every morning – take the time to tune into the truth- the light.

      To me it’s like the radio station I want to play that day- because I NEED to.

      And you become that song of light/ even when you fall asleep and aren’t “perfect”

      Put your heart into everything that way.
      Honor yourself. Pull the power out of the ether and into you. To be strong and stable.

      To be victorious even against all odds.
      That’s what we have to do.

      Like in lord of the rings. It’s happening.

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