Born into a cult, I believed God would be destroying most of the earth at any moment. I obsessed over death from age 5 when I learned my dog would one day die. My childhood was dark and oppressive. I married at 17 to escape my family. By 21, I divorced and went wild in the Los Angeles music scene.
A few years later, a spiritual experience changed everything I believed about myself and God. I began rigorous spiritual practice under the guidance of my Sikh yoga teacher. I also became an intense Kali worshipper after a dream in which she appeared. Then my father died a gruesome death right before my eyes. I knew I needed to understand death more than ever. I left my boyfriend and did nothing but meditate, day and night.
A year later I met Bhagavan Das, the sadhu Ram Dass wrote about in BE HERE NOW. He was also a Kali worshipper and I was convinced he knew her better than I did. He became my salvation. Soon we were married. We traveled non-stop, surrounded by crowds. Magic was palpable, Kali came alive, chaos was the path.
Then came a time when I had to wake from an even bigger dream—that the God scene was also a hype. That I’d been trying to make Bhagavan Das someone he wasn’t, and it nearly killed me. I could no longer survive the situation.
Now I find myself in Oregon, still devoted to God and Goddess, but quieter. I do what I can day by day to be helpful and kind. Life is short. And as Bhagavan Das would say, “Only God is real.”
I still want to know God. That is my aim. I seek God in the eyes of all, especially myself.
That’s the only truth I know.
