you can’t save God, that’s delusional


It’s the presence of that love that’s there effortlessly in the silence. Even without anybody to back it, God is there when you listen. He is there I wasn’t wrong, no person can betray me. I felt the father in his voice, the presence in his hug. My eyes were closed. And in other ways my heart was open to the space where we receive what we need. It’s the presence of the love that’s there effortlessly in the silence. Because I needed it to be, because God is real in every father. Because peace is what God gives. Whatever else he does, the betrayal. It’s not that God can’t hear it’s that I stop listening when the time comes to turn myself into another vessel. Christ, the father is- and was- mine. I would give him anything- and I did, for the sake of what we all need. I give myself back to you. God, invisible. I will never hear you again through his mouth or his eyes. It is me I must feed. It is me I must see. It is me I must hear, there in the silence of you. This reminds me of a movie where all these people died for a man they believed in. It wasn’t about Jesus at all, but about him- and so he had to change and see what he’d done. For the sake of all- in a big new way. My heart feels dead sometimes in a pain so great. That I can’t describe it. That I can’t turn around when you call me. That I can’t tell you what I said. It’s all bigger than me. He is bigger than me. The one so small is the sound that I heard. Also, I know because I came to his light. Like when a baby cries from a dark room and you answer the need. In you. In the one holding the baby even. In the big picture. The movie where they were hung upside down being slowly bled through a small incision in their throat-until he stepped on the face of his God for them- because he had to, because nobody else was listening- is the movie I refer to. Because it wasn’t about what he believed but about what he did to stop the pain. Suffering at the hands of a father who never came to those prayers. Because men lie and deceive. Because humans get desperate for each other in ways we will never understand but instead will feed. Out of desperation and yearning to be with him. After death, inside the fear. His big safe hands. His pain ended. The presence was in the dream, in the final hug, in the sound of his hum. And I thought. “I felt it, I heard it, it was as real as it gets.” God gives himself in and through all. When we make it about a man we get hurt. We can’t do it any other way. Men grow old, men forget. Humans recede as they always will. Icons get full of themselves. It’s a sadness that will alway linger like a poison in my blood. Not forgotten but lingering in a slow sort of low grade sickness that not even a fever can destroy. Because my love is so deep for the giver who gives beyond any person. But through the person I felt what I knew to be resonant with my beloved, with the stain of the cross. With so many subtle tortures that cause singing. Deep in the soul of my desperate heart I made him what he was and will always be. The presence of a love that hears children when they cry. But now I hear me. Now I must listen to that form of God. Elusive and inside a heart too broken to know how healing occurs. But it does, because my hand is real. And he was just a long hurting dream. Of looking and waiting, unanswered prayers and self inflicted torture. Just like the movie. Until I found I am not Jesus. I have no one to save. God isn’t listening until I do. That no one is saved but by me and my understanding of how desperate and broken a human heart acts out. How creative a mourning heart can be. I know the beauty of myself because of this movie. Because of what I’ve done. You can still believe in me even after the betrayal. I would never hurt you, I would only end unreasonable pain. God does not have a name. At all- and God does not have a body, at all. We did this to ourselves. Small scared child…you can’t save God, that’s delusional.

Sharada Devi


44 thoughts on “you can’t save God, that’s delusional”

  1. “But now I hear me. Now I must listen to that form of God. …
    I have no one to save….
    I know the beauty of my self….”


    A life unraveling is not undone….

  2. thank you thank you for being
    one of the few who walks through
    the dark, through heart break and
    sorrow and grief to the hallow charnel grounds of all
    relentless sickened ash and dust
    into purity holy fire
    to return to liquid light
    and the holy clouds of
    of truth.

    the suffering sleep abounds
    yet you walk down the dark twist
    corridors of mental muck and cleanse pure to crystal heart
    and not in some bs spiritual
    sleep song lies.

    it’s crushing this endless
    looping of fake hallelujahs β€”
    selling sludge water lies to those
    who sheepishly lap it up like little kittens β€” it’s fake devil manna.
    thinking it’s the real deal β€”
    parasites feeding on each
    other lying and hatching more
    dark parasites β€” evil dancing
    with the big dimmed masses.

    your hallelujahs are lotus breath and crystaline
    blessings that purify the tainted blood as we return to
    clean slate of holy hearts
    of the forgotten innocence
    of heartbreak.

    to the river
    baptized in truth
    that burns hot
    and always
    remembers the
    Holy yes of Angels
    hushed whisper
    prayers of God
    signs in every

    πŸ’•Tara Devi

    1. Thank you Tara Devi. You always were a fuel for the fire of strength. You know how it goes the ups and downs of this cold world.
      Getting up, falling down. Cold. The fire burns. Blue light from another time.

      1. You’re the inspiration and fire to keep moving even when faltering
        and falling down. You’re the grace to return to up rightness no matter the pain
        and surrender to what is and return to out breath, the mystery and take in the full in breath β€” the gift of life
        and endless possiblilies and remember the distant call
        to be the starseed of our making. πŸ¦‹πŸ’™πŸ¦‹

        1. Tara Devi ,
          You are –
          πŸ’› 🧑 ❀️ πŸ’š πŸ’™πŸ’œ …
          star seed child
          blue pearl girl

        2. be here then-
          would be more honest-
          than be here now.

          That’s all a lie. It happened before I was born. This world is insane. No wonder we’re crazy.
          Just a product of our mothers….

          1. crazy products
            damaged goods
            still capable of restoration
            we can reduce , recycle and rebirth
            everything happened before i was born
            am just playing out the remnants
            wish me luck
            or help me
            i think you know what side you lie/ lye on…
            it’s tales of transformation
            nothing more
            nothing less
            the interim
            is simply wordly slime empty- ness
            big time mess
            “we can work it out”
            i have very faith


          2. This is a BEAUTIFUL version of that song.
            I know- Chandra Ma lives in Santa Cruz-
            Can you get to Santa Cruz? She could give you a ride- Can you Chandra Ma?
            You two will LOVE each other!

        3. Radhe, If you do make it and CM can’t pick you up I’m coming from southern CA sometime later in May I can probably fit you in my van. Oc>bay>portland(maybe)>shasta βœ¨βœ¨βœ¨πŸ™πŸΌπŸ™πŸΌ

          1. Thank You for your kind offer Pablo.
            Barking ( or howling )
            is always good for the soul
            unleashed release.
            i tend to towards a coyote call my self
            or a wolf…
            πŸŒ• 🐺
            bark on

          2. Pablo…you are so kind. Radhe and I have been in contact for awhile and have already discussed possibilities. My travel plans are not set in stone yet. I may take time before/after retreat …am working on my schedule here to see what I can do. My dream would be to just be in Shasta for a month…if I can make that work….I have so many dogs that need me, though. Back up plan is essential. CHandraMA

  3. From your writing, I get a perspective that makes me laugh.
    -Believing in man causes pain.
    Nothing to save.

    Really good movie 🌈

    1. what movie was it?
      Title, please…
      we would all like to watch it.
      is so much fun
      is better run

  4. i dreamt of you last night
    well actually it was this morning
    it could pass unsaid
    maybe better left
    but what the heck
    here goes…
    You were calling me
    sort of like a phone call
    but more of a sensation
    with visuals
    as if i could reach out and touch you
    but enveloped in a vapor,
    cloud cloaked
    you were
    my hand melted through
    the wispy ethereal layers
    spacious nothingness
    like trying to grasp
    another dimension.
    a sincere sweet smile was on your face
    with your head turned somewhat to one side
    you looked straight into my eyes
    and said
    “what do you REALLY want out of this life? “

      1. oh, the Scorsese movie about priests in Japan.
        not sure if i could handle watching it.
        I’m glad that You remember.

      1. Scorsese took it to the limit
        to the edge and beyond
        as is his way.

        HE actually had studied for the preisthood
        but turned to cinema instead.

        turning the truth and shoving it back in our face
        in harsh reality.

        over and over again.

        lessons are not easily learned

  5. Sharada Devi is a prophet. Seeing into “God”. Articulating beyond perception of others. How deep and present, real and clear. The “people” that she meets are the depths of dark, light… what else could there be, but to go there, unafraid and open-eyed.

    Evangelists spread “the good news”. What is being spread, by them or you, Is it heart-breaking? Gripping? Does it ride the breath beyond the end into the bottom of forever. Where we will definitely have to go, if we want to know.

    Brand new, back before, swirling time… painting with pain… to remember her, face… beauty in the moonlight, etching shadows on the page, Sharada Devi, haunts me like the thing you haven’t said to the one that meaning matters. Who will listen, after all. Sharada Devi, the gift of centuries beyond, I offer you this moment of stillness and reflection, and make a wave to be felt, when it matters as breath, slowly, but surely, ending.

    Yours, eternally, like light could have a name, in this darkness we awake. Alone. Together with a knowing whisper. As our hearts have to have meant something. Just another day, unending until waking, as if I could, forsake my image for your brightness.

    I struggle up my mental hill. Knowing that each grip of earth, brings me in, and down, spiraling, before, so our broken hearts could know we don’t need a name, anymore.

    1. you are the deep no one sees. clearly i know that. and what would it mean if the world ended now? it would mean, i know and i do.
      and i will and it is, always you in the sky.

      and it would mean birds of god fly very high…and fire is bright like the sun…and
      you are the ground hiding feathers, like my face hides in the shadows below…my mysterious dark, i never misunderstand the breath of dawn from the quiet star bird above…

  6. Curling around the one you love, like a rose, is me to you, and I see you, handing it back to me, like a smile that doesn’t need to be smiled. Because it needed to be sent deep into my chest. Because I need to come back out through the crack, as a torrent of light, streak of sound, dripping your name.

    1. I saw the flower pushing for life…
      today, of all days…I said, “I’m hungry”

      what does that mean:

      Light. let there be the spring. Love. Let there be the hunger…

      1. This is what I want. Something grounded, that you can sink your teeth into. Grit. That you can feel and rub into my skin. That can show you God. Fast, not far, distant or separate. God with pitch black skin and firey eyes. No smile that you can see. But a definite shadow. Speaking of inescapable descent, “into the firey pits” of a bright hell. That is the determination that covers my skin. Like invisible feathers riding an inaudible force, that lifts pain, to the heights of me.

        I will find you. Because I am hungry as a dragon, tempered with time. Just like the weather you can see on my face, when it will not be swayed, but stays. Through the easier seasons, and the darkest and coldest. Like a daily equinox, I go through it all, fast. Focused, falling or flying, “the time is now.”

  7. …and really….what is there to be “saved” from? from death? From hell? from your sins? everything is an illusion of sorts….

    go to the EYE of the storm, if you have to fight to get there, do it. then ….. get lost in awareness…of the blue pearl magic….

  8. ok,
    i went to the library
    to fetch a bag full of dvd’s
    because i (W) -don’t / have wifi

    and the dog ate my homework…

    right now,
    it’s late / it’s early,
    it’s all perspective.
    Anyway – the first dvd i put on.
    opened with a preview for the movie

  9. it’s hard being crazy.
    Fitting in with all the so called sanity.
    i have no place to call my own
    but then, who am I?
    Days spin away and leave me with only night to contend with.
    and the answer is.. ?
    It seems sweet – but the next day is just another evening beginning, again.
    Without thoughts is a better place to be
    that’s why it’s hard being crazy.

  10. heart cracked open should be a relief,
    bring peace
    it reveals another layer
    too much intuition
    so much revelation
    It’s tired, and i’m getting late
    the absence of the form
    is a beginning to a new beginning.

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