yesterday i was standing on a mountain top

I’m so sad. Woe is me and the tears that trip me, caught I am in this collapsing house. As cursed as the shafts of a broken sun my love goes on unrequited…are you tired of hearing me lament?

Probably. It always ends this way…it’s time for me to pack my bags…I know you never really loved me. Love isn’t the perfume she was wearing. Love isn’t the way the song ended. I hope you never die. I think love is the one who will be there when a hard wind starts to blow. I think love is an anchor so that I won’t float away. I think love is because you know me -and I don’t mean the mean things that I say. I think love is a strong steady hand. And I’ve been crying all my life because I just can’t take this pain. The pain that everybody hurts – what I can’t take away. And he was afraid to die and there was nothing I could do. I am a helpless seashell alone and hollow. I’m not very much -although I cast a sharp and smouldering shadow…

I slept a few hours last night like any human should and so I’m going to be good and benign today…

Bhagavan Das says that I can’t function like a regular person and I won’t do regular things on my own like pay bills or put gas in a car- or order propane for a propane tank…and so I’m not as independent as I claim to be and he says I therefore need “a lot of help”

and I eat weird food choices and I say things like bitch and fag and bloodsucker -I get almost an omniscient sense of eternal fury like a child who’s eaten too many cookies when I’m sleep deprived and filled with other people’s thoughts …and it’s so embarrassing and I’m sorry I’m insane and apparently I will always need a crutch or a man who will care for me… according to my master, Bhagavan Das’s evaluation of my condition of “you just can’t make it alone in this world….you’re too sensitive….” it’s humiliating…he just said this last night…I’m still recovering…

Ok? So I’m such a faker then. And I don’t mean anything I say like, “chop chop chop or “off with your head!” etc- whatever…I’m just a bunny with floppy ears and a pink flower and aimlessly I hop hop hop….

Bhagavan Das also says I can’t do a lot off things on my own without consequences (I was on that independence kick pretty hard – been up for a couple days already) because I “can’t go into Walmart if necessary without nearly panicking -and I don’t pay attention to where I’m going and I could get lost…”
and I’m getting pissed just writing these words- maybe it’s nap time again -I don’t know- or maybe he should just fuck off!!!! Oh I’m sorry, I’m doing it again- “This life is a dream. Take a deep breath Sharada. Everything passes. Just relax” oh really? Well, FUCK YOU TOO GRANDPA!!!

I’m so inappreciative and wicked. I must still be tired…

And I’m sorry again for the misunderstandings and miscommunication. I really want to work this out. I appreciate you reading this, I know it takes time and I hope you still love me. Don’t die ok?
Yesterday I was standing on a mountain top with a pitchfork in my hand and I had snakes for hair and I ate a man for lunch-I was very dangerous…but I fell asleep and now I’m just a maverick in a pile of hay. I can’t subdue or seduce or destroy the world today…I can only smile and be quiet and nice…which is fine for a couple hours I guess…it’s just so boring….without a vendetta or an enemy or something…

To be honest with you (and I’m feeling a violence rising again just telling you this) he treats me like a child and he should f’ing talk!!! “Oh you can’t handle this, oh you can’t handle that…”
“Oh REALLY?!!! whose handling you bitch!!!!”(those are my words) I’m sorry for being so nasty and disrespectful, I’m probably just hungry- isn’t that what happens to a helpless f’ing child like me, it gets HUNGRY!!!!!

I guess I really am alone and he really is my enemy. I always had my suspicions of his allegiance. But at least the truth came out. I’m just so tired of him laughing at me…lets just say, it’s a good thing for him I’m nearly a saint…

But anyway, back to the loving arms of God and what peace means to me….did you ever see that movie Eraserhead? Well that’s what I feel like right now- and I totally lied- I went to bed 2 hours ago and slept 1 hour and 30 minutes and it’s now 2:30 a.m. I’m not tired either -and I’ve now realized the mess I’m in…people treat me like I’m a bunny when I’m really more like a cobra or a python or a vampire. I strike hard-I really do -I bite in the dark- I get a really tight grip and I squeeze the life right out..and then those who claim to love me say antagonistic things like “honey just relax, everything will be ok…” Like I couldn’t have f’ing thought of that myself???!!! Am I wrong? No, I’m not and it’s insane.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I feel like I can tell you this because I’m obviously in over my pretty little needy head with insanity run amok- and it’s not on my end as far as I’m concerned…

Love isn’t a joke it feels more like a confession and so I’m seeking forgiveness. Love isn’t a crutch it feels more like a highchair and so I’m
looking for a spoon. Love isn’t a touch it feels more like a spanking and so I’m pulling down my pants…love isn’t a kiss it feels more like a bite -and then I heard you can live forever…

as long as you stay out of the sun…
Sharada Devi

38 thoughts on “yesterday i was standing on a mountain top”

      1. I was holding
        Hot tea glass
        Up to my
        Bare chest

        I don’t want to be ambiguous
        Or anything:
        The feeling of relating, in this way, is… Like a hot tea mug
        And
        So I melt
        Or, respond
        Or fall around
        It

  1. If and when we are able to stop strangling our Self (whomever that is)
    with the Mind filled thing-a-ma-trump vision
    (there is a mountain)
    we find that what is left, is paradox;
    No Mind
    good and bad, right and wrong all mixed in together
    coming and going
    with no silver bullet way to find our way;
    No Mind
    Purpose filled, purpose-less;
    this hurts, that feels good
    full of love, love-less
    regardless, whatever
    No Mind
    I can I can’t
    They don’t, they won’t
    why don’t they?
    why won’t I?
    No Mind
    (there is no mountain)
    half empty, half full
    phenomena is bull
    (then there is a mountain)
    No Mind

    1. i actually do have a silver bullet.
      i bought him in Florida when he was
      7 weeks old…
      I think the mountain is better.
      climb to the top and see how stupid
      theorizing and philosophizing and guessing
      and speculating – BULL SHIT really is.

      stinks to high heaven because I’m on the
      mountain and I can smell it.

      Thank you Red BULL.
      ⚡️❤️⚡️

      1. Isn’t is hauntingly beautiful that so many people all over the planet can be so full of their own particular form of bullshit, and the whole thing just keeps on going ’round incarnation after incarnation. Think I’ll go sit and not think about that for a while. Thanks for your presence and spit and fire.

        1. NOW WE’RE GETTING SOMEWHERE! KEEP IT COMING!
          IM SO FULL OF YOU I CANT STAND IT!
          SPIRIT OF THR RED EYES CROW!
          SENDING MY SPIT ANG FIRE!
          I really liked this one!!!❤️❤️❤️⚡️⚡️⚡️

  2. Wrote this when the world is night
    Let’s call it -Ring: or Spexial Power:

    Perfect Puddle Stomper,
    This is the atmosphere.
    after the rain,
    You know that Mud covers
    And The atmosphere
    Ignites,unites,delights,

    /One time I was
    Goin down a dark river

    I was a boy- Who cares? You’re Perfect, Present Lover- u and me, all around town
    And the trees were lit up
    All the way

    Now I’m in an apartment
    In Chicago
    At Christmas
    Still, the atmosphere
    Brings
    Brilliant streaks

    They want me
    Wow
    “Don’t be they”. What a Sweettooth secret, more tooth✨.
    The world, breathing down my neck, has moved to
    Feet

    1. the world breathing down my neck,
      it’s hot breath on my cold ice,
      smokescreen and spirals of mist
      traveling deep inside,
      she isn’t what she seems.
      her teeth are bright inside her mouth
      her tongue, a lick of agony
      we haven’t been pulled apart yet
      Seam on seam and the needle
      keeps weaving it’s thread
      through the world of my night…

      JUST FOR YOU. YOUR WRITING IS WHIMSICAL
      AND INTRIGUING. THANK YOU!

      1. “I recognize”
        And when I said “lick harder”, the capsule
        came unseemed, and I was floating, for maybe 2 or 3 seconds
        Until a piercing, physical agony in my heart, brought me down.,
        I mean it when I say, let me know if there is ever anything I can do for either you, or Bhagavan Das
        Yours,

  3. Love you Sharada. You give Baba life. Thank you always for your honesty. I’m constantly reading books and things to get away from the lies. People lying to themselves lying to me lying to you – everyone. Just live for THE heart beat. The fleeting moment between your heart beats. Thank you. I’m here now.

    The shift is real, and the black work is getting its hours in. It’s the smell of transformation. The 60s was a Saturday night vip party compared to this. Stay real sister, just like you’ve always been..

    Fire fire.

    🔥

    1. ❤️STAY REAL❤️. That’s a paradox I think…
      I love your earnest stare into the fire
      of – DONT EVER LOOK BACK…
      that’s the only REAL WE ARE…
      because I only know you
      while you’re burning…
      🔥 you can just call me godfire.🔥

      1. Burn it up – burn it down.
        Whip me – beat me.
        Lose or gain.
        It’s all the same.

        Keep close.
        To my vacant heart.
        Your cold keeps me warm,
        And the fire brings me to my knees..
        Only for you..
        God fire.

        Blaze.
        Glaze the earth with your scorching stare.
        Set fire to the dammed
        And let it be here.
        All ready in the midst of the empire.

        ☀️

        Cellars with the thick air of bad thoughts and buckets of coins.
        Attics that never get filled with dilapidated memories of a dense reality..
        Garages squeaking with the wind of broken dreams…
        Get back to the earth.
        Her neck of wildflowers
        Her veins of rushing water..
        Heart mountain

        Thank you thank you thank you.

        🔥.

        1. I’LL SET FIRE TO THR DIAMOND NOT THE DAMNED.
          UNTIL YOU SHINE LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW.

          so don’t be sad my sparkle eyes✨

          1. I JUST SAW THAT-
            DO NOT CALL YOURSELF A WINGED FAILURE-‘
            unless you are looking for trouble
            in the sky of me!

  4. Dear sleepy eyed lady of the highlands
    What’s the blue plate special today?
    virgin stew or another man-sandwich.
    Sorry if i’ve added to the heap of other peoples thoughts in your head.
    Did you see the stars last night.
    You could have joined me.
    i wasn’t sleeping either
    4 am and all’s well.
    i got up to pee
    and the stars were calling me.
    No songs this night
    They were talking to my eyes
    i thought i saw an airplane
    but much to my surprise
    it was a triangle shaped star
    lit up in reds and blues.
    i think there might have been
    the faint strains of the lilt of a flute as well
    The master of my soul calling me out to see the diamonds
    that he had strewn across the night sky.
    He called ” come out to play my dream deprived mistress,
    i have thrown my treasure of toys up in the air for your viewing pleasure”
    The stars all turned into pulsating triangles and put on a light show for free.
    And the waning moon had been nibbled away since friday last
    My head has been swimming with numbers and their consequence.
    What does it all mean?
    i was thinking too, that the 6 sided black onyx obelisk is a monolith.
    and by it’s nature of pointing upwards, it is showing the way out of the abyss.
    i watched a movie called ” The man who saw infinity” while sitting with the obelisk.
    About a man in India who had never gone to college but was a mathematical genius.
    He could not “prove” his math theories to the English academics at Trinity college.
    But explained that it all came to him through Kali
    that she wrote it all on his tongue.
    Sorry for breaking-up today’s the male dominated satsang
    with my meandering prattle
    Do you forgive me guys?
    ps: Dear Paul,
    please stop using the self-deprecating names
    i keep hoping to see a comment by Narayan
    😇

    1. Mother Devi,
      Just finished a kirtan- will post it in videos of it in a day or two just for you.
      More later- for now just to say,
      I love you mother Devi!
      Divinely inspired and magically creative!!!

      1. How sweet!
        Thank you
        and
        Thank you
        i love you too daughter Devi!
        🎶 💚 🎶
        i will sing you a telepathic lullaby
        to soothe you into a much needed slumber
        💤 🛌 💤

        1. Thank you Mother Devi-
          because I’m like a telephone pole
          or something- always buzzing-‘
          and I shock people if they touch me-
          I should probably wear a WARNING
          HIGH VOLTAGE sign!

          1. Buzz
            Zapp
            Hold on to your cap
            Watch out folks
            She’s a real live wire
            Just the slightest touch
            Will set your soul on fire

          2. you just keep making me laugh more and more
            my mother devi- you know those people who swallow fire and you wonder, “how could they just do that and be so effortlessly eating the flame” that’s what I think about you!!!
            shakti devi. bhakti devi. the wielder of the flaming sword…whose name is laughter!!!⚡️❤️⚡️

  5. You can be free. You don’t have to keep doing this to yourself. Jesus, and Jesus alone is the answer. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
    Matthew 11:28‭-‬30 NIV
    http://bible.com/111/mat.11.28-30.NIV

    1. Dear Ashley,
      I appreciate your message and Jesus is the KING of Hearts – but please don’t bible thump us here…or try to save us from our selves…if you lose your book it could be hard…unless you’ve got it memorized…what do you think? thanks for your thouhtfulness and love- but we’re pretty happy AS IS.❤️

      1. P.S what I love most about Jesus is that he was a FREE THINKER and REVOLUTIONARY.
        Too bad all the dirty old power tripping
        men had to use his sexy face to run the world by castrating us and taking our money
        because we’re heathens and sinners…
        Jesus would NEVER become a Christian!!!!
        he knew they were liars and thieves.
        He loved the whores and he knew Religion is a PRISON. ⚡️⚡️⚡️

  6. Tell it like it is!
    This line from a movie comes to mind –
    ( here she goes again with her movie references…)
    ” If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name he would never stop throwing up “

    1. thats probably why he’s going to fly back pretty soon and sit in the sky casting fire and brimstone -and lovingly kill most of us who haven’t yet made him responsible for our sins- And the ones who have dumped their load of shit on him get to fly back after the blood bath and live happily ever after
      singing hymns in heaven with Jesus and his mad daddy God- and being good and better than everyone else forever and ever…

      Ps- for those who don’t know – it’s called
      the rapture and he will return and he knows how evil and naughty you are and you’re gonna pay really soon! And JESUS NEEDS TO KILL YOU SO HIS DAD WILL BE HAPPY AND SO PROUD OF HIS VIRGINAL AND ETERNALLY PERFECT murdering SON.
      It’s true. I didn’t make it up. Amen. ⚡️❤️⚡️

      1. i have a cousin in the midwest who tells me that she can be a sinner
        because Jesus died to save her.
        So it’s all forgiven.
        She loves jello
        so she would have been very pleased if you had saved your
        hospital food for her…

  7. It’s true, I am nothing without HER. She is my breath of light…. she just keeps dancing on my chest. Thump thump. I’m a cardboard cut out called “the son of be here now” i have no face, just a mix between tim leary, ram das and the surfer dude from laguna beach. I’m the greeter from the road, waving to all the people. religious people suck….. so not in the moment…. just vomit the word they heard. Can you be direct and clear like my Kali who i call sharada devi? Can you go under the knife and keep on smiling at all the stupid people who want you to eat their poison hospital food and get well like she did? I am just another dog at her feet, waiting for a glance from her lotus eyes. Bones of glory keep the dead dancing from out there somewhere beyond the rainbow. What a fake show, who are we? Lost in Her wild hair……..om kali om……. i forgot the words to the song last night….. but who cares? only the feel is for real.
    bhagavan das

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