We make our fate like a widow builds steam deep in the cauldron of our own secret spell. The spell we cast upon ourselves to be born under- feeling only half of who we need to be. He isn’t here. She left me. I’m all alone now, confusing chaos with the magic I’ve made. Unknowing. I made the place I find myself. Somehow seeking a marriage from so many different places. It doesn’t need to be a man or a woman- maybe it’s my art, my job….but it’s an empty widow always in the end, looking for the sunrise she lost. That’s the abandonment we are facing. That’s why the tears fall. We can’t control the season. And you know I’m only a messenger and
my words only matter if you let them. This is your illusion being tainted or illuminated by mine- depending on how you see what spins inside these words I cast.
This sort of darkness lurks in us all. The undiscovered territory of our own self abandonment. I do not claim to be teaching you anything. The last thing I want is a role to deliver me straight into my own demise. I’m smarter than that, and I hope you will be too. Of course, we can’t forget self deception herself, who brings us the menu that we order our secret desires from -denying they will do us any harm as long as we disguise them like you would any bad tasting meat with some sort of distracting sauce…so that you forget what you’re eating.
Anyway, it’s no small terrain. I can be insane. I can be crazy. I can be wrong. It doesn’t matter, I’m still going to say it because I’m a messenger
and I always have been. I deliver and it’s usually what no one wants to hear. It’s a light in the darkness and we don’t want to go there, do we?
But that’s a stupid question, because you think you do. Actually you think you already went there and now you’re back…because you did drugs or were beaten or whatever….those were symptoms, signs pointing to the places, those were not the places. Maybe you don’t see me in the shadow you carry, but I found you and I’m just saying, it’s what I do and it’s no lofty position. It’s trash talk and I’m covered in filth from head to toe. I carry too much information and that’s one reason for my physical issues. I’ve never been sick, I’ve just needed to be cut up and put back together again. It seems the knife does wonders in situation of astral infestations which is what I get. And I’m not blaming the world, it’s my fate and I know judgement day draws near for us all.
I’ve got nothing covered. It’s only just unraveling and it seems my purpose is thwarted as there are no true believers who don’t attack me literally upon command. So many declaration and it’s just one push of the button and out comes the attack dog with all sorts of reasons that I’m wrong, reasons with new age holes all over them, I won’t engage it for very long because I’ve already learned- 99% or more want power by association, they want an identity, who to be and who to emulate- but it’s always for the wrong reasons and it’s always further from finding their own actual truth. Because who you actually are is layered by the things you won’t look at. I’m no judge so no need to target me with your wrath. I’m only trying to help, really.
My life, and I know nobody wants to hear it or believes me really- but it’s been hard and painful and with one crisis or trial or death of some sort over and over again- with no breaks- and I’ve been expected to rise over and over- not only for myself but also for you- so I could be stronger – more compassionate, more clear. I’m always weary in so many ways-and never know if I’ll make it around the next corner -but I try- in all my pitiful weakness -and I get up and start again- somehow better from the worst of all curses- a better servant of this all elusive, yet all pervading -ferocious and enduring love. Like lightening, we never know where she’ll strike next. So get ready…
And I’m not saying love comes like you think it should. I “called you a name” poor baby.
If you respected me even a little bit, you would stop being defensiveness and be open to the idea that maybe it wasn’t a name, maybe it was a clarification on why you’re suffering. You see, I’m never angry when I talk or write to you, I’m just delivering. If it sounds harsh, try seeing it differently. You don’t have to hear me or believe me. You can dislike me or think that I’m delusional -thinking that I’m “some chosen vessel” but I don’t. But I do deliver messages and you should listen because it could help you if you had the courage and devotion to know yourself completely.
*Also, remember, you don’t even need to read this blog and your problem of me is solved. No need to convince me to alter my ways of approach-and you could even start a blog- it isn’t difficult. What I’m saying is, no need to struggle with my reality if it’s disturbing to your reality in a way that doesn’t improve your conditions- because-
The question really is, where do we go from here? Shouldn’t we move forward instead of side to side-shadow dancing with our pain and then getting defensive, self righteous or combative with me? Of course, it it were easy to do these things the world would be a much nicer place- suffering abounds more than ever. Call what you do or what you support or how you participate love- if you want- but you’re still in the same place- the same losing game- and it’s not changing anytime soon- because it’s the same road that only goes to the same destination -more suffering, more abject denial.
There aren’t a lot of real heroes. You should be a hero. Face yourself. Stop being a liar and a hypocrite. Or -someone who knows it all already.
What’s worse? It’s all a treacherous and self rejecting mind fuck. No matter how pretty she is.
She always lived alone behind the village, at the end of a narrow dirt road near the mouth of the river. Nobody hardly ever saw her and very few knew where to find her. She lived in what looked like a hole in the side of a rock. It was dark and dirty and you could pass right by and never notice it at all. The entrance was covered by trees hanging branches…and the river ran only a few feet away from the entrance. But if you were given directions and you paid close attention you would find the small hole and duck down low and enter and as you rose into her little dwelling, you would be dazzled by oil lamps, incantations and her flaming wild eyes…
She is the widow who brought you into this world and she is the one who will take you out. She watches you and she takes your toys away. She does everything for you and she expects nothing…
Without devotion we are void of light.
Get to know her and who she’s calling as she stirs the cauldron that brings you life. It’s your name she’s calling throughout the night. You’re hooked on her and it’s no use to struggle. Get involved with what she intends for you. Stop wasting precious time resisting. Look inside the the dark and boiling bubbles of this fermenting illusion and see what could become of all your suffering and resources. Why waste the holy material that she so freely gives?
This is the alchemy of our human birth and we really can take this all the way. We really can eat what she’s cooking and become immortal.
Then, inside of you,
beyond time and space she merges with him as the sun rises and the moon erases herself into his eternal and silent light.
believe me, she knows you
and it wasn’t all for nothing.