Venus Star

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One time I was being spiritual and it really wasn’t working out so I decided to try something that might give me some power. Magic. So I got into Aleister Crowley. Don’t judge me. I was 25. So I cleaned out all the dust and cobwebs in a dark little room in the back of our house, there were no windows in this room, just a water heater closet and an old black tile floor with little stars all over it. Even the door leading in was smaller than usual, it was an eery room and so mostly avoided until now. I thought, “perfect for witches and warlocks” I burned coal with special witchy resins I bought from a store called Psychic Eye and lit mysterious candles everywhere, some in shapes like cats and women and moons, I painted the required pentagram on the floor, hung black things everywhere and when the room became smoky and creepy enough I went to work, conjuring the forces of of the sephiroth. I worked overtime. Sure I was a little jumpy, getting in over my head like this…but I was cool,
in a hot dark sort of way. Well, let me tell you things opened up, I am not one of those people that can dabble in the occult. Due to certain astrological factors I will get actual results. It’s a big astral world out there and a lot can happen. I did these rituals religiously. I wore special outfits, I did the incantations in a spooky witch voice just like you’re expect, I gave up any tedious human interactions and spent most of my time making magic. That’s kind of how I can get, extreme for short periods of time until the scales tip, as they always do and I go a bit mad and get really unpredictable and volatile or I become very distant and icy always looking off as if I’m watching something go on somewhere other than here and now. I know this, I know it disturbs people. I do it anyway and maybe because I’m all about effect. But not really, I get possessed by astral energies. I am a medium and so I have to be careful. I know that now. Back then I was a walking ouija board, it got out of control pretty quickly. Realize I was naive, not wicked. Anyway, things started catching on fire. Swarms of bees came from out of nowhere. Lights kept exploding. Things would get thrown across the room. Dark figures would stand in the doorways looming. Voices, bad voices would talk into my ear threatening me. I went fairly insane for a few months. I got to where I was even afraid to close my eyes to sleep thinking I might disappear into the black hole I would see before me, this precipice is real. The world of the moon is the astral world and it’s the world of dreams, nightmares, witchcraft and the wandering dead.
They all wanted in, to me. I told you I’m a medium and they knew. They all swarmed me nightly like mosquitoes and I couldn’t fight them off. I’d opened this world and I couldn’t control it. I could hear laughing. I thought it was the devil’s voice laughing at me. He would laugh and laugh at how fucked I was and yet, I have always had protection and so although I seemed assaulted, I was simply learning an important lesson. You can’t make magic. You can only be magic. I stopped because I had to. I couldn’t sleep, had no peace- just ghosts and dead people and weird paranormal phenomena. It took a few months to clean up my mess. Burning sage. A lot of sage and frankincense. Putting pictures of every imaginable saint everywhere. Taking down the witchy apparel, opening the door – getting air in the room, playing holy mantras 24 hours a day in the room, and putting salt in all the corners to absorb negativity. I did this, things slowly improved. I can’t even begin to say how important it is to not play with spirit realms thinking it’s spiritual just because it’s invisible.

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I will find the words to describe the invisible. So that I don’t get possessed by possession itself. I will make a sound to define what we haven’t said to each other. There is an astral species that inhabits me, together we hear each other. I will look into your other eyes, it’s fear. On the outside, the wrong eyes don’t know me. So I’m showing you fear, the empty gap of the undefineable space. The heat we want to fill with human love, can you complete this mirage of me? The unanswered answer. Invisible clinging to the astral heat in my unspoken body. Unspeakable wicked to the wrong, fear filled eyes. The question that never had a right to exist. The question was am I wrong? The lonely one, reaching for solace in other fear filled entities. Marriage is black, wrapped and suffocating the one inbetween the two breathing making her body in the darkness of truth. This is it, it’s all over. Get off of me now, can’t you see I am inside these feelings, I am a moving feeling. I want to show you a world hard to find. I am inside a place that can’t be found, hidden. I am the hiding itself. Veil of insight. Wave after wave of emotion, devil whipping devotion, deep stirring disturbance. Eyelids that block. I know you want in. Inside of the outside. Blow by blow. Black raping vision, down between the worlds. Cracks in my skin, dry lungs. Out of world breath. Take the pain away. Whoever can’t see the unseen, die before morning. Surrender to the pain. Whoever can’t bless with the black hand, rip the make believe sky. Open to me. Powerless and tapped. Power. Invisible garden of eye flowers looking for him. He’s risen from death herself and we see him. Belonging nowhere but here. Morning is lost. Lost in her eyes. Moon, I always think of you. Over the garden at night. Secret garden of eye flowers drinking moon milk. Astral aurora, my own self of it all. There is nothing you can’t hide in your sorrow. Be me, magic is folding the tide over this body. Magic is holding the bone that the scepter was being. Outside this realm, there is another me. A deeper me. A blue vivid sea of eye flower me. A lapse of me. The current of long ago, converging at the fork in my head. I float looking up at her face. This is hopeless. Love Lost at sea. This vision of me. Washed up on the shore and the shell sang to the world. “I am the body of water. I am the one looking down. I am the lost one who found you. I am the voice you can’t hear. I will take you. I will give you. I will forget you. I will remember you before you knew me at all.” Surrender at the shore, foot of the moon. Sovereign communion. Bone bearing vessel. Dare to believe in the five pointed star. Flower eyes. Open to the unseen light. He is coming. Pentagram, seep into me. I found old words you left, agony. I found pieces of the letters that would never fit, sodomy. I found webbed feet throbbing deep in space, clarity. I found nothing but what you didn’t want. Which was me. Bending over the bowl, vomiting blood moon. I am the one. Don’t you forget where magic arises. Petal by petal, In the crossing over from face to face. She is even more beautiful than the day she was born. Again my invisible dagger. I did it all to myself. Rode the darkness into the light. “Because I’m deadly before the dawn,” Said the Venus star.

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I was meditating this morning. Today, December 19th is my birthday and I noticed all these beings and saints around me. They were blessing me on my birthday as they always do. By the way, I do hear and talk to the other realms, it’s very real. You can believe me or not, it isn’t important. Anyway I asked, “Where am I now?” The asking was subtle. And then, a light came upon me and I was told in so many words, that I was here breaking out of every box imaginable and that I have never rested in any comfortable container. That I was on an heroic journey from beginning to end. Then they showed me riding on a horse through a heavy raging dark storm – and they said, “You’ve never stopped once.” And then I said, What will happen at the end of this storm?” Then I saw the dark storm end and the black horse I was on turned to white and we ascended into the Golden Dawn. Happy Birthday was the end. All my love to you is only the beginning…

Venus Star, Sharada Devi

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13 thoughts on “Venus Star”

  1. sometimes I walk down this road at night…in a quiet beach neighborhood…nothing but beach houses line the shoreline up on stilts to my left…headed south down the road just behind them is where I walk…I had driven there one afternoon in April after I was moved to donate too much money to a friend…I was meditating and I was guided to give…so I did…they sometimes press their soft petal faces into the quiet subtlety of my consciousness while I’m meditating…so I did it right away…with apprehension…because I knew I would change my mind if I delayed…then I went for a drive…40 minutes or so out into the woods…and I was spinning my prayer wheel and saying Om Mani Padme Hum over and over and over…and I had a small lemuriam record keeper in my pocket…as I was saying the mantra driving I was on an emotional high…and I felt a tiny muscle in my right leg start to twitch…almost like my cellphone was vibrating…but no…no cellphone in that pocket…just the little crystal…so I got it out and held it while saying the mantra…the sun reflected off of it and again I was very happy…

    fast forward to that evening…some late afternoon thunder showers had passed over earlier…the street was still wet with rain…it was dark and there were red purple clouds blocking out most of the sky…and I was still very happy…walking looking upward…looking at the clouds…and all of a sudden I noticed this one particular cloud formation…right in front and above me…it looked like the top of a mans bald head…and I could see his eyes his nose and his moustache I think…but that’s it… he appeared to be peeking half his head over a cloud to look at me…and it looked just like Neem Karoli Baba…and I was amazed…and I stared at it with wonder…I mean it really looked just like the shape of his head and his face…this made me even happier as I continued staring at it…I stared and eventually the cloud started to change…it began to pixelate with purple infrared dots that caused his face to fade until it finally disappeared…but I kept staring into the mist where it hung suspended in the sky…and I thought wow…who would ever believe me…

    then…a face of a monkey appeared right in its place…vibrant and somewhat defined for a cloud on a dark rainy night…and the image hung for at least another 15 or 20 seconds…and was gone…

    just another coincidence for me…there was a period of about 10 years where I never received any signs or signals…nothing…the universe just seemed vast black and empty…I prayed to have things happen…so that I could start to form a belief in a something spiritual again…I was so closed off for so long…wandering aimlessly in NYC…drinking alone every night in my car….I have often experienced my soul being cast off into outer darkness within the theater of my own mind…it’s a lonely pitch black anxiety ridden place and scary…and vast…because it’s all darkness and death…like a tangible clue that I may really be clinically emotionally disturbed…

    but then everything changed…my mind was read by at least 3 different people…one does it all the time…one began to sing one of the many names of God right as I thought of it as I sat next to him…a monk knew I was only saying Om Mani Padme Hum at a puja even though I do it silently…he looked at me with his eyes closed as I turned to sneak a look at him and he nodded while looking agitated…because I was wondering if he knows when I try to look at him…I’ve been haunted by loud unexplained thumps…electrical surges that sounded like an amplifier with the sound turned all the way up…waiting…footsteps out in the living room walking on the wood floor…intense static electricity all over my body and the blankets…muscles that won’t stop twitching…aches…intense pain whenever I would wear a string around my ankle given to me from Tai Situ Rinpoche…more signs than I could have ever hoped for…or ever wanted really…being told that alcohol hurts me…being like yeah yeah just let me finish this last beer…and I go to drink it and something stops me from being able to swallow it…it took me several minutes to force it down…so I just held the beer…I couldn’t rub one out in peace in the privacy of my own room like any mature adult without them knowing somehow…and I was quiet as kept…late at night…after everyone was asleep…she made a noise like an orgasm from the other side of the house right as I came…do you believe me? why would you? and there was even more and still more and it continues to this day…

    So anyway…the road…cast into outer darkness…anxiety…suicidal ideation…fear…the darkness of December…repentance…crying talking to god…wanting it all to end because I don’t know how to get through another 40 or 50 years…I stay sober off the memories of the times that I spent at the temple…I’m sure the crystal labotomy welders torch cutting me out of the dark metal ships hull on mushrooms helped too…but what does it all mean…I don’t know…do my sadhana and try and never give up I guess…it’s not that bad right now…it never is…and it’s kinda bad…never been worse actually…but I’ve always somehow been able to hang by invisible threads…

    and I don’t know how to end this so I’ll just end it…

    1. Dear Shane,
      Thank you for your generous birthday donation and your birthday wishes bright this morning! You are a star. Baba just read my blog (he’s back) and then read your comment beneath it- he said, “Shane is such a great writer! He’s so real. Maharaji really loves him. Maharaji liked people like Shane, real people who weren’t afraid to be real with who they were.” So you should keep writing, keep praying to Neem Karoli Baba and keep being your authentic self. Ok my sweet long time hardcore friend? And like I said, we will make space in Guatemala…
      ☀️♥️☀️ OM mani Padme hum. White wings.

  2. Full Moon born
    Venus Star blessed
    first light best
    bright enough to cast shadows at night
    brilliance second only to mother moon
    eye flower insight
    truth incarnate
    there are no secrets
    no place to hide
    the Golden Dawn
    illuminates the glow of your fire essence

    Beloved Sharada Devi
    Happy Birthday once again !
    ✨🌹❤️ 🌹 ✨

  3. Magic.
    Fear is, when you get into it and laugh. That is so beautiful about your birthday vision. I see how you never stopped. Thank you
    -Just getting started

    It is invigorating, I guess because I haven’t gone long enough, or far enough. Just a mouse with a sword of light that makes me think of you. You- strong, real, keeping going, looking vigilant, ahead.

    Me, hearing the hoofbeats again. In my chest and the eager feeling that I think can never end “if I just keep going”, I’ve thought. But I didn’t. Instead, trudge sludge, grey boxes became my life.

    So here, the Venus Star on my heart shield. Laughing at how gay that sounds. I LOVE YOU, Sharada Devi. Knight of the Secret Dawn, my heart races, to hear you. To join you in the way that has to. The never-ending, and in my imagination, I see you look back once, with stern resolve, to give me a glance of light before setting back on the course.

    It’s storming out.
    https://youtu.be/QSb9IkgDxiQ
    (Ok, so this is an old one but it captures my current feeling- all eager (and relevant) as it was right before I set off. I feel I have matured enough to have slightly more resolve, as I ran into you. Still learning what that means -what resolve is for and where this is headed. Through.)

    1. Thank you for all your love and for the beautiful artwork and the crystal singing bowl!
      That song, I don’t know but ok, glad the guitar died and a new one was born.

      My birthday song, yet to hear!

      Candles that glow and perfectly soft colors, pale pink roses and the sweetest deep love.

      🌸☀️☀️🌸☀️☀️🌸☀️☀️🌸☀️☀️🌸☀️☀️🌸

      He said, “You make me love God, but it’s more simply than that.” I said, “More simple than loving God?” He said, “Yes. Like a flower opening up.” I silently said, “Sweet Heart the flower is God.” And I know he heard me.
      Sharada Devi 🌸☀️☀️🌸

  4. Baba is the man…never met anyone as motivated and as disciplined and true grit as him…I know he doesn’t want or need praise but it’s true…

    I forgot because it was so long ago…that after I saw Neem Karoli Baba in the clouds…I was asking myself I wonder if that was really him…and then he answered with the image of the monkeys face…and I wasn’t expecting any of it…that’s what made it so special…and it was all so quiet and peaceful when it happened…it was silent the entire time…

  5. We need the connections
    We’d eat them before bread
    And we’d eat the moon too
    swallow her whole
    Ibis and crescent
    Consume the rocking pulsations
    Birthday blessings~
    It’s a new moon
    Divine timing
    Swan diving
    I’ve seen the swan before
    in my mind’s eye
    And then there are these great swan doors
    They are in New Orleans
    I practice the art of opening them
    Dreaming it into being
    It will take both intellect and passion
    My heart listens
    My beast roars
    I have to be in, and of society?
    I can’t live in the cave after-all?
    The lamps they need to be lit!
    And we signed up for it
    All of it
    The silent bright lightening of emergence and return
    Thunder rumbling in our nights
    Distant and sure
    Approaching the deep dark sea
    We keep moving this end
    My eyes can’t see beneath the darkness, so I play with my fears
    Back and forth
    Walking in
    I secretly love it
    I love the fear
    I love the ocean
    I love all of it
    You know Ma
    So you know me
    We haven’t locked eyes in person
    Maybe a Boone union
    Or just this
    My spirit says be happy
    Happy Birthday Om Shanti Shanti Shanti

    1. Oh…so you live in Boone?
      Beautiful poetry,
      mystically led by the lunatic herself.
      I think we are eating the moon,
      full of dreams and tears.
      🌙🌙🌙🖤🖤🖤🌙🌙🌙
      ♥️ to you goddess of the night star.

    1. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️☀️♥️♥️☀️♥️♥️☀️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️☀️☀️♥️♥️☀️♥️♥️☀️☀️☀️☀️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋♥️♥️♥️☀️♥️🦋🦋🦋🦋♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️☀️☀️🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🌈🌈❤️🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈♥️♥️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️❤️❤️❤️🌸🌸☀️

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