and it’s written so well with such clarity. I don’t know who this person is but I thank them for making me feel such relief. Because I’m so weary of the game.
Yes, I am currently writing the memoir, “Be Here Then.” I’m about 1/3 done…
but it’s a lot to go step by step through every memory so graphically – reliving them all -so I can write it into something readable. It’s sad and stirs up the old feelings….plus I do get tired of most everyone’s interest in me – really being only about their interest in him…maybe I get resentful. But I tell myself it’s not their fault, I would probably be the same way. He does have a way about him (well, at least he used to) …and I go through days and weeks saying to myself, “Why did I have to get mixed up in this…why couldn’t it have been something or someone else…how could I do this…become a discarded manager, cook, bell player back up singer…when I know that I am more…I know that I am- it’s just a weird mess…
but then, if I’m honest – I realize it’s probably the best thing that could have happened to someone like me. Raised in a cult, abused as a child, not allowed to go to college (the cult wouldn’t permit it)
All I had was my devotion to Kali because I had discovered her on my own in a dream -as a way to not fear my own darkness- because I did. I was terrified of myself. If sounds crazy but I was on a serious path of self destruction once I realized God didn’t “love me because my heart wasn’t pure” or rather I “didn’t love the God that planned on killing everyone who wasn’t in the cult….so once I found my own God miraculously I was reborn. For years I searched and when I met BD it was the perfect toxic, yet enchanting combination. Me and him. He embodied all the Kali I needed- and mostly I didn’t -because his “version” of Kali was demonic and mine wasn’t. So we went to war. I won – and so I stayed to convert him so I could get behind him- (in his shadow as he would say- but apparently his shadow was mine too) and he could continue to inspire people like only he could do. I lost my inspiration but never my love. I have wounds that I don’t think will heal, but I do my best. My love still isn’t lost – it’s just swarming….all around me.
Protecting me mostly – but stinging me sometimes with its brutal light. I guess that’s how I see the love I feel. I guess that’s who I was as well. BD cannot stop me from loving him. I will not only love him to death but beyond that – beyond the betrayal and disgrace. All the stupid lies…
He never dreamed – but while we were together he had 2 dreams and they were very vivid and life like I was told. In one dream he was introducing me to Neem Karoli Baba and it was a bliss filled dream in which I became NKB’s daughter (because BD was his “son” in Hindu culture due to the ritual they performed at the kumbh mela.) In another dream he was worshipping me as a holy child upon a throne when a waspy woman from underneath reached up from the darkness – grabbed his wrist and loudly hissed , “Don’t forget about me!” He was terrified and said his wrist was burning when he woke up. That dream upset him – he even brought it up years later…he would say, “I just want to worship you…I don’t want to be with her.”
Over four years ago he started acting out and would not stop- so from Guatemala I went to India – and upon leaving I said, “Deal with your darkness, I’ll be back.” But he didn’t. (And I had meant what I said- I had a long talk with him the night before I left)
Instead he started partying and searching for women …who could replace me. And now, here we are trying to wake up from that bad dream. I want to wake up. I want to be the golden light, like how I saw Kali before she showed me her dark side that this world seems to love so much. And I don’t think Kali is some sexy, black bitch goddess. I think she is the sky – and the sky changes. But not really. The sky is like love, always there. NKB told BD – “you will leave me but I will never leave you.” And it’s funny, because that’s how I feel too. It’s hard to watch someone you love hurt themselves and hurt you- and especially when it hurts others and makes people feel deceived, disoriented, discouraged- I get it. It takes a horrible courage. And I’m still here.
This comment is from my YouTube channel -that I appreciate so much- this kind and wise – mystery person, I thank you.
love, Sharada Devi
|I think a lot of people who participate in the “spirituality” sphere seem to think being spiritual means being “positive” and “loving” all the time, but they often completely miss the mark. Truly being spiritual, positive, loving (whatever you name it) isn’t being a passive push over who remains unaffected by pain/sorrow/guilt/shame/darkness/etc. It means always striving for authenticity. Turning the other cheek doesn’t mean allow oneself to be walked all over and abused. Sometimes love is fierce. Sometimes love says no. Sometimes compassion is telling someone they are fucking up; telling yourself you’re fucking up. It’s not burying your anger/fear/sorrow and pretending to be “positive”. It’s allowing what IS to BE, so it can come to the surface and heal. You did what you had to do for yourself, and for Kermit (I think he’s had enough God complex stroking), it’s unfortunate that he didn’t use your split as a catalyst to dive deep and look at his own pit of despair and wake of destruction (we all have one). Sometimes the right thing to do is the thing that will hurt the most. The hurt is good. It’s possibly the only times in our life that are truly authentic. Until we face our demons they will continue to haunt us and those we interact with. Personally I made a decision to throw out most of my “spiritual” paraphernalia a couple years ago because I saw through the facade. It was all a lie. Those beads didn’t bring me peace. I wasn’t utilizing the teachings in those books. I was pacifying myself with a warm blanket of “spirituality”. My anger still persisted, and every single look in the mirror was met with shame. I wasn’t being true. I had to let it all go and start over. I’m still flawed. I still have inner pain that needs to be worked out, but at least I’m not hiding anymore. At least actively 😂. I appreciate you. I think the people who are shitty to you are just Bhagavan fanboys who use him as an idol, as their own security blanket, and if their beloved “holy man” is so unholy then their illusions begin to fade, and they just can’t have that. I also think a lot of these people are so out of touch with true love that they simply don’t understand what you’re doing. They don’t realize you are acting out of love rather than a place of malice. That’s the thing with these people: they push away everything bad and icky because they don’t understand love. They don’t understand that love is without condition. They fear being authentic because they think they’ll be rejected the same exact way they reject all the ugly in their life. It’s sad. I still have a tremendous amount of love for Bhagavan Das. Without him Richard Alpert never would have met Maharaji, and I very well may never have been introduced to Hindu philosophy. So many cultural phenomena balance on upon that point in time. I think you said it on your blog, but they really are still all living in the 60s. They’re still chasing the high of Maharaji. It’s like they never heard the words he spoke. They’re still searching for an external guru, search for their next hit like drug addicts. I saw a recent video of Krishna Das and Rhagu in India with some “guru” (much younger than them) touching his feet and fawning over him. They looked like the same lost, scared, sad children that ran off to India some 60 years ago. What happened to be here now? Anyway, I’m done now. Blessings to you in this new year. I’m looking forward to reading the book you’re talking about writing. I’ve always wanted some real insight into the underbelly of the Bhagavan Das/Ram Dad’s/Neem Karoli Baba cult (respectfully. Not using cult as a pejorative) With love.|