this is real

I stay inside because I don’t like to be reminded 

that everyone but me has somewhere to go. 

I listened to this audiobook about  “running with the wolves.”

What wolves? 

In a world that feels so far away from me I’m left like a word that didn’t belong in the sentence.

Recently I was betrayed. It felt like being in the electric chair for a crime I didn’t commit.

I know many feel they have answers and guidance to give. I only see boxes with people inside. 

And so I talk around the thing. The thing itself is a dragon with too many heads to defeat. 

I know this and yet I’ve been planning my ambush for years, like an indoor cat

who only has that little window to watch through. 

This is not funny. 

So l listened to another audiobook the “tao te ching.”

Nope. That didn’t work.

Then, “the body keeps the score.”

Oh, that hit home and made me start looking for the wolves. But alas,

It’s just me. Here. So little, so flammable.

I just need a spark. 

And so that’s what I do. I rub things together in my head hoping to start the big fire. 

But in this world of fumes and tight, fire proof clothing. It doesn’t matter,

how many times I’m lied to. 

Because one day I will have to ride the beast anyway. And open the curtain in yet another empty room. Where voices, once again – are heard and not seen. Where the distant howl pulls me and yet there’s no road. Where these “feelings” are splattered everywhere like roadkill I can no longer distinguish.

I will be blamed for these deaths – and it will probably be true. 

However, imo,

I was not given a choice. 

I’m not going to panic over blood.

Please don’t new age quote at me or send me a picture of a dead guy from India right now.

This is real.

Sharada Devi 

15 thoughts on “this is real”

  1. I know, what it feels like to be in a pressure chamber where you are breathing, even though it feels like it’s going the other direction. A pressure chamber that won’t let you go. Like hands around the neck that have been there long enough to not be felt. Or like maybe being underwater, or alone in the dark. It’s a lot to be betrayed.
    Life is shaky enough!

    1. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💕❤️❤️❤️❤️
      Jesse, the refuge.

      You’re the person who gives without ever taking. Every month I see your donation and I know you aren’t rich and I’m always astounded that you remember me and you go out of your way to be thoughtful. It’s such a huge sweet thing. You’re the rarest heart there is 💗

  2. I remember, years back, you said that BD brought you a copy of – Women Who Run With The Wolves – from the library, you threw it across the floor because you said you didn’t need to read about it, you lived it.
    or something to that affect.

    Someone gave me a copy as a gift decades ago. They said that the title reminded them of me. But I have yet to read it. Has been on one shelf or another ever since.

    I hear people say that they are wild. That they align themselves with wolves. Howl at the moon. Are at one with the fire 🔥.
    Then when I meet them, there is no howling. No gathering around the open flames. They stay inside and linger by the wood stove…

    I wish that all those that send you personal emails, would post their suggestions here. Out in the open, instead of being brave from a distance.
    Wolves that whisper, instead of howl.

    Guess it’s all none of my business

    I’m no great warrior, but lately, I keep finding myself being inevitably thrust out there, having to, by necessity, push myself way past my comfort zone.
    Some might call it tapas.
    Seems more like facing unavoidable destiny.

    I’m sorry to hear that you were betrayed.

    I know that electric shock impact of such a stark realization.

    That lightening ⚡️ bolt
    is as equally intriguing as the cosmic ball.

    1. It was brought to my attention awhile back that you were quoting me on fb saying I told you to “take off your mask and dance and sing”

      Implying I was an idiot and didn’t care about people dying. Who would say that about me behind my back that claims to know anything about me. I mean, that’s not very brave.

      1. Hmmm
        I have no recollection of ever quoting you as saying that to me.
        You wrote something in 2020 , either on FB or your blog about your choice to wear or not wear a mask. Both being public places. So if I have ever quoted anything you wrote, it would not have been behind your back.
        To imply that you were an idiot would not be something that I would do.
        To imply that you didn’t care about people dying would be certainly something that I would do.

        1. I rarely saw fb back then. Someone told me.
          I saw it. It wss a comment filled w anger.
          You’ve had those anger issues w me a lot over the years. I saw the post. No I never posted on fb that I didn’t wear a mask.

          At that time there were ZERO COVID cases in my small town.

          Sorry you can’t recall. Everyone does things sometimes and I understand but it’s good to get it out in the open.

          1. I’m not going to debate it. You wrote
            “Today I was told to “take off my mask and dance and sing.” In reference to me.
            It was obvious and very clear the attitude of those words. So not death, ok whatever- it’s still not right. That’s all I know. I SAW IT. Other people saw it – if wasn’t anyone’s my imagination

  3. I want to be careful with you, because you are beautiful, and you can trust that is sacred. And when you don’t need me, I want to give you quiet. When you need me to speak, I will find words. So please, ask for help, with the mess of other people, because you’re worth whatever I can give..

    1. what mess of people?
      I don’t know anyone.
      they were all just figments
      of my Bhagavan Das dream.

      They left me when I left him.
      Because I am not a fake.
      My love is real…

      and that’s the way the stage light turns.

  4. I was a student of a Tibetan dzochen master. He became very famous in Hollywood. He had top celebrities in his sanga . He was very humble at the beginning, but as time went on his desire for sex and material wealth became apparent.
    He tried to molest me when I was 21.
    I was very young. No one helped me. Everyone silenced me and I stopped following that teacher. I struggled with my faith for a very long time.
    I felt like a victim for a long time. I was completely lost.
    I have since found a way to reclaim my power, move on, find a different community and way.
    I pray that the right people find you and offer you true love and community.
    I pray that it comes effortlessly like the wind in your hair.
    I pray that you find peace for yourself .

    1. I was married to him for 12 years.
      I was traumatized by BD too.
      You aren’t the only one. It’s hard to recover I know. Thank you for writing. It’s brave and important.❤️

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