these humming bony parts of you

 There was once a rare flower that grew in the space between night and day. She was pale like an opal and she glowed with a pearl fire that made the sound of hrih- she drank the rain of starlight spangle as the moon crossed the soul of midnight’s wane -and then she sunk her heavenly body of bloom into the withered slip of dawn…waiting. I was there for you. Look at me choking on my stem held down, bound by earth and root. See me open myself to you, the mysterious and tragic beginning of the end-everything I am I reveal to you and then I slowly die while you forget me. Like the bright morning star of enchantment after she’s finally begun her descent- it seems that your love only ever lasts for a little while. And where are you now that I’m gone? Moving through the seed into the one who makes you come alive. You really don’t see a thing- I feel lost in this display of truth. And a cut up piece of me has nothing to do with the morning star of Lucifer- because she who cuts away- only stays long enough to make her mark- in the darkness that I left behind – which becomes the path that I can never see…and so I haven’t passed this way before -this is a night that is not giving me what I know. I left you in the stars- the flower that I thought was held in the seed. We do that to each other, and it hurts the delicate skin on her opening body. For you I kill the only one I have ever loved. For you I’ve died for no reason at all. I want you to see what you’ve done to the flower of my mother. I am not the devil’s daughter. I am white like the feathers of the swan, soft like the petals of the rose, and I am lethal like the bottom of a swamp…because there is no bottom to the baby’s moon, I have no sound but these humming bony parts of you. Can I describe what we will never be- to give it away – what isn’t ours- the blunt wet legs that cut through ice- and I say it like we are this flower and the words only make you less real- my shield in the valley-while I hunt for the thorn in my side. I want the beauty to live forever but alas, she has to go. Do you understand that you turn the embryo into the cutting board – and your knife burns with its new secret blade. I’m not wearing a disguise, there is no red rose upon my head, no white lotus inside of my heart. There is only the blackened child that I have imagined, born of need, born of sweat, born of me staring at the sky waiting for the rising sun that hasn’t yet acknowledged me. I need my father to see me although I haven’t been the best companion. I’m all alone, my words don’t match, my lies are jumbled – and the waiting has to stop. I’ve been waiting…always waiting…and it’s taken all I’ve got. You can dig the hole but I’ll never get inside, I’d rather die as a seed on top of you, then to wither again all alone. But I am, all alone. I know the vine that strangles logic and I turn and look the other way, headed in your direction…looking for the light held by the fallen star who seems to beckon everyone- and I’m waiting, always waiting, bound in earth by roots that hurt and you won’t even see that I’m here until tomorrow. The long cold night of invisible voices that dangle like shiny spiders from a singing web- I think of things like spiders and flowers and the blackened child because I’m thinking that they could be stuck there- too weightless to know they’re just floating in space and too heavy to know they’ve been stuck in the earth…

“you’re too close to touch”
Is the last thing I ever heard you say…

Sharada Devi

14 thoughts on “these humming bony parts of you”

  1. flame!!
    the candle I have been lighting, every night. became two, and then merged, Bright
    i watched it dance and become one – so bright. I didn’t even tell you about it because I felt your face, smiling when I would look,
    behind the scenes
    your pale face is found, only in the dark- always smiling.
    so many things I wanted to tell you
    but my face rides up, like a flicker of the flame, -a spiraling howl
    as I burn it- the screen.
    h0000000000000000000000000w
    .

  2. Beloved pure rose I offer all I can all I have all that is. Words like grateful and deeply appreciate and thank you feel similar to those creepy words like “enjoy” or “namaste” that make our skin pucker and our brains scream and even when people say, “I love you.” These words, this phrasing of words strung together, feel so common and fleeting and this impermanent ceaseless wonder of how “my god how did we get here.” Cracking busting all illusions and lies to pure ruins and throwing it all into the fire and burning it all down it’s my turn for the flu and this is my undoing right now. I’m so spoiled and filled with looking at what doesn’t work. I’m weak standing in the kitchen getting water before the sun rises and then there is that gentle kiss on the shoulder that comes with no agenda or need. Later in the morning arrives a text that reads, “I exist to serve you.” Teetering between cool or hot boredom have to lie down as grace is fierce and I feel your love and embarrassed that I fling my new age suffering about likes it’s a tennis match, a game. A prostration and a reminder to surrender all in this fevered moment into illusion of this middle world bs.

    1. Sister Maya,
      We need to blow this joint. I’m
      surrounded by guys into Boy George-
      and we thought the grateful dead was
      bad enough! Seriously, one way ticket for me… He says, ” do you like Boy George?”
      and the other He is like, “OMG, I LOVE Boy George!” and I’m in the back seat just twisting the moments into black wasted
      birds…they just don’t get it. The flower
      only opens once- on the front end, not the
      back! Hahahaha⚡️⚡️⚡️ I am no longer needed here…when should we leave?
      I am the alpha male for sure…

  3. That candle exploded
    Wax cooled in a galactic form- an afterthought
    Perfect black came unnanounced

    When I say “I love you”, I open
    To drink you, the flood
    To be the bloody ocean floor
    Dark form on one knee, and I’m not sure who

  4. The shimmer in her eyes
    Letting me go – spread over time
    Melting away
    Into grey
    All is lost
    Nothing forgotten
    Biting your lip
    Making me sick
    With love..
    I’m concerned about you
    I know life is never what it seems.
    Just stay real,
    I know we’ve been fighting
    For a while here..
    I grow rainbow rocks in the moonbeams
    Falling from the sky
    Walking along the cemetery in the rain
    Where I can really feel the pain
    Transforming us with every breath
    Learning from all the death
    Dust and hurt
    Mud and flirt
    Emerging from the ash
    My one true love
    Sacrifice
    The lost sanctuary
    The fire and rain
    Transform all
    Waiting
    Praying
    Fucking
    Dying
    Hating
    Lying
    Loving
    Lost in the multiverse of her eyes
    Surrounded by her love
    A crystal quartz cocoon
    Quantum goo
    Sick with the flu
    From the fluffy killer bunny
    God and the devil all wrapped up in one
    Lion devours and the lamb deciphers
    Ride kali ride

      1. Volcanos would erupt
        earthquakes would shake
        With sunshine beaming
        Dumped out
        Gleaming
        Wet sand
        Beyond the land
        New earth
        Rainbow glow
        Kissing your hair
        Sweet wind
        Fire starter
        Flame stoker
        Friction for this soul
        The real God particle

        Love
        🔥
        https://youtu.be/TgIBGK_K_cU

  5. Day tripping, nighttime dream walking, sky dancing
    This is beautiful
    This is pain
    Cut away, set it on fire and dissolve
    Getting lost in the ceansorship, getting lost in the pixels
    Blowing kisses to grandmother moon
    Holding the light in the dark
    Hearing your laugh
    It’s almost sinister, almost loving
    Are you laughing at me!?
    Oh my god shut up tiny voice you are so self centered
    Time to move on
    Change change change
    Twisting and turning into the sky
    Moving with the wind
    Disappear in the clouds

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