The Serpent Queen

I went into the secret place
behind closed doors
and the curtains drawn
the little table in the corner
the little chair I sit in
I light the candle
and I open the book
and begin turning pages…

I’m only a child with a body much too large.
I dream of fairies and ghosts and witches.
I ask God to talk to me. I never wanted them
to take it from me, but they did. She was an angel who became a wrathful little girl inside of
a big floating body. I send you beautiful words
of where I mean to go. Since you are my friend,
I hope we will go together…there is a place better than this, but to get there we first must pass through the places children cannot go…
dangerous places with snakes and wild animals…but we need to find Her. I know she loves me and she’s golden and very pretty and kind. She will smile and sing to us and will never let us be afraid anymore…

I’ve written so many secrets inside for you. I held them all for you until one day you might be ready to go to the dark place with me. I lived through you and thought I was the serpent you created. I have never been here without you, but you don’t remember me? You don’t remember what you gave me to hold in my forbidden place as your forgotten secrets? I did it because I love you and I know the water’s deep. I have been afraid, but for you, I go there anyway. My love is as deep and as long as your secret. The one I held for you until today.

Dear Mom,
I am not telling lies about you. I am not confused or crazy.
I understand that you feel the same way.
I appreciate the courage and compassion that it
took for you to email me and ask me what was wrong.
I remember many good things about you- like your
generosity and your protective love.
I will always love you nothing will change that.
The past is over. All anyone can do is let go
and find the missing love inside.
Love, Michelle

“The tail of the snake
thrashing
chopping
the cold head
with
needles in my eye
blinking black magic
as hard as ice
flipping slapping
red cheeks ablaze
while silver moonlight
shines upon the snake
which way do I turn
Holy Ghost
get to my hole
leaping frog
and his eyes turned blue
the exorcism
stand up straight
with a new hole
in your head
the fountain
the slayer
the dragon maker
ride me high
the butcher the baker
or the candle stick maker
dripping faucet
leaking with
no one there”

I tried to let her off that hook. The one I hung on for so long but she kept pushing me to down the hole further and further, to tell her the Secret I’ve carried for her. I preserve everything until He
asks for it. I am the Serpent Queen of Secrets
after all. I take myself back into me circling and shedding and blooming and remembering forever where we hid the ancient hoops.

“There are 8 things I must tell you” he said.

“I caught you in the circle
spiral dancing spinning weeds
I left you by the wayside hooked
and hurting slowly tilled
You strapped the horse and upon
the slow wind we spun into her
Kingdom. Jeweled enraptured
peeking into priceless windows
the two of us slipping off into
the sun.
It wasn’t even Tuesday
(as if the farmer knew)
the field was scattered
drawn upon by future hands
Sky retrieval take us there
It isn’t faraway now,
The grass we are being fed
came from a different place.
Hunt the spindle, burn the bush,
spike the ladel, cook the dead.
I found you and I am keeping
clean your dirty hooves.
Sun god running into noon…
it’s almost time to go.
Our way is led
and the chamber is
open.”
Dear Michelle,

I have read and reread your letter trying to understand fully what you are trying to tell me. Considering some of the things you have told me I can understand your feeling completely.

However there are a few things that I need to address with you.
Keep in mind this is not a debate of an apology or excuses just my response. Im saying that because you said that.

1. I never said that to your brother’s wife. I could not understand why she would say that to you. I have never said I dont like the person you are.
In fact, it is the total opposite! I always tell my husband how much I enjoy your company and how much hed like you. And I said youre like
my mother? Thats just weird. I would never say that either. I see no connection between you and my mother. well, you are both left handed and you get flour on your nose when you make a pie like she does.. thats about it.

So, I asked your brother’s wife and she said she never said it. If she did she made it up because I know I never told her that.

2. I can not help how Your brother feels. I can not help how his children act towards you. The kids were 8 and 9 when you were her
and they got to know you a bit. They really liked you. I know their dad is extremely hurt and that of course will make a person lash
out with anger. I have alway told roy to be nice to his sister (you).

3. Victim? I dont consider myself a victim of you at all. I am saddend by the path our lives have taken. I knew you needed to go on
your own and I have known that if you ever needed me I would be here for you. We all do what we need to do. I have never told anyone that you are an unappreciative daughter. Of What?

4. Sexual abuse. I remember your first husband calling when you had left and saying that you had been sexualy abused. I thought he was talking about your dad. he said that I had grabbed your breast. I did that sometimes but it wasnt sexual. In order for something to qualify as sexual abuse there needs to be sexual gratification on the offenders behalf. that was certainly not the case.

Now you tell me that you remember sexual abuse from the time “we” were very young. Guess what Michelle I remember everything that happened in your childhood also. You feel your brother is demented from all the sexual abuse? Why? Because he doesnt
remember the sexual abuse he suffered? Well, I asked him and he told me that you would try to get him to remember..”come on, you remember” over and over. Well, he doesnt because he wasnt.
that said, I relaize feelings are real and you seem very strong about yours. I would suggest you look into

Definition: (note *she’s defining my “condition so she can “help” me)

False memory syndrome is a condition in which a person’s identity and interpersonal relationships center on a memory of a traumatic experience that is objectively false but that the person strongly believes. Note that the syndrome is not characterized by false memories as such. We all have inaccurate memories. Rather, the syndrome is diagnosed when the memory is so deeply ingrained that
it orients the individual’s entire personality and lifestyle—disrupting other adaptive behavior. False memory syndrome is destructive because the person assiduously avoids confronting evidence that challenges the memory. Thus it takes on a life of its own; the memory becomes encapsulated and resistant to correction. Subjects may focus so strongly on the memory that it effectively distracts them from coping with real problems in their life.

I remember a time when you were between 4-5 and you started hanging on the doors…it was at the Daisy apt. After awhile I thought thats weird. One day I said Michelle why are you doing that…yhou freaked out and started crying and said the devil was making you do that.
That was about the same time I found you and your friend with your panties off in your bedroom…remember. she was supposed to spend the night but i drove her all the way home.

So I am a strong believer in a person’s reality. I can honestly tell you that I never viewed you or your brother in a sexual manner. I never derived any sexual pleasure from you as children. All I can think is something happend that made you feel a certain way for you.
If that makes you angry Im sorry but I can not agree with that….because for me it isnt true. If it was true I would tell you. I think you may have percieved something as sexual that wasnt. I doubt you thought that at an early age. Probably when the therapist told you youd been sexually abused these things start to get realized.

About my therapist. I had been going to her for about two years for a couple times a week. My therapist knew me inside and out. She didn’t send you to someone else because I had never told her. why would I have told her? Believe me I told that poor girl some crazy stuff. she actrually helped me alot. I am not going to go tell her something that never happened. You or roy were never a sexual object to me ever. so if you experienced something and you may have….that was your feeling not mine. TRUTH

emotional and mental abuse

I agree …you were my support emotionally. I already knew that and I knew you needed to get out from under that. I can understand.

Michelle, when i dropped off the stuff at your front door it was a comforter I was supposed to mend for you. It wasnt you child hood things. I wouldn’t even have your childhood things you’d been married for two years or so. that is definitely a false memory.

Im not a big fan of using the word “sorry” to fix anything either. It’s just a gesture…doesnt change anything. I see now how unhealthy my behavior was then. it took me awhile to understand but then I did. That is why I know you want your space and I have left you alone.

Michelle I never said I had you do you could love me. I wanted to have you so I would have something of my own that no one could take from me.

Yes I remember how I acted when you were going to get married. Your dad was so angry. he was right…that never should have happen. You were way to young emotionally and not ready for marriage. Plus he didnt trust your fiancé . I felt like it was the end of the world..like I was going to die. I think it was then I knew I had a problem or was starting to know. We were together so much that I had not developed any friendships. but I dont really have a lot of friends to this day. I would call that abusive…I was a freaked out mom. I wasnt doing it to make you feel badly. I was afraid i guess.

People always say that their parents did the best they could. that always pisses me off because I agree the damage is still there with the child. I understand that and agree.

I want you to know that I dont talk badly to your brother’s children you. I dont talk badly about you at all. I just say youre gone.
well no one asks because they dont know you. I asked your brother’s daughter why she was rude to you…I asked his son too..I think they feel youve wornged them some how. I rarely talk to them. Its been several months since Ive spoken to them.

You think that people sit around and gossip about you? not true
Like who? I hardly ever even talk to your brother and I havent talked to his wife since she left the state a couple years ago. so whos talking?

The email your brother showed me was when you were upset about his daughter and you said she acted mean and nasty like mom. thats all

I agree your brother has been angry but hes getting better. it was a good thing for him to move back to California. He always tells me I should go to your house I should go find you. when you were in the hospital he told me I should go there. So he cares. Hes just super super hurt.

he might do better now because he fels better with his life and is more positive. he doesn’t seem as angry as he was. Hes not a bad guy.

I know your brother got a lot dumped on him because he was here. When your dad was sick your brother was going to school so I didnt see much of him during that time. One day he came over to see his dad and I was sitting there and your brother said “Mom how are you doing all this everyday?”
Well, that was the week of his finals and after that he came and never left until your dad died. I didn’t ask him to he could just tell I couldn’t do it alone. He would sleep on the floor in his dads room in case he woke up….you know the story

My house was trashed when your dad died. your brother did alot of work on the house and helped me so much. I am grateful for that. they moved in with me until their house was built until january of 06. I wondered how it would be becasue id never lived by myself in my entire life.
I think it wast hen I started to realize a lot of thing Michelle. That was the turning point for me. I got to like living on my own. Of course I had my dogs with me and a few cats…so I wasnt really alone. I actually like to be alone.

Your brother’s son gets excited and stressed. he is really hard on himself and cares a lot about what people think. That is a stress factor in itself.
He doesnt have a demon in him. hes twenty years old and needs to go on his own. His daughter left at an early age. He is very different than his sister.

Im glad I asked you whats wrong. I have no problem with you telling me how you feel. We all have our feeling and and thats fine. I am not angry with you for doing what you needed to do. I understand. And I do like the person you are. why wouldn’t I?

Oh please I would never want the dynamic repeated with my mother. She seemed to think you were angry at me. My mother told everyone she was never able to bond with me. thats ok. Ive had to let her go.. a long time before she died.

So let me close by saying life is a journey and we make this journey on our own. It took me longer than most to start my own journey.
You don’t have to agree with what Ive said or understand. this is where I stand.

You are my daughter. I do not own you. I do love you. I do care about you. And I like the person you are! hannah said she was shocked by how much you are like me. I am not trying to offend you.

May peace fill both our lives.
Bless you! Bless Baba!
Love Mom
Long ago I never understood what I was doing with my life.
I thought everyone cried everyday. I thought everyone was like me and so I couldn’t understand how they could hold down a regular job for years and be happy. I tried and it never happened. The confinement was suffocating plus I always attracted stalkers. It’s about me I know and I kept moving forward totally submerged in the muck of the mystery. (It’s Her Secret) The mystery back then was ominous and heavy. I carried a black switch to either beat myself or beat back the enemy. (still moving through the dangerous place in search of the Golden Her) I was attracted to the poison -to the killer of my peace. What’s wrong?
I don’t know, but it’s big. It’s a big moving snake taking over my hole. Maybe it’s just me? There aren’t many places left to hide for any of us. It doesn’t matter if She
can admit what she did. It only matters that we gave her the chance. It doesn’t matter who is right, it matters who is seeing the deepest. Between two people only the scab is left.
The infection is due to poisons. The scar is due to courage and to sunlight. She is always shining
in places we won’t look and that’s where we should go if we are healing from an infection.
Courage gives us the strength to see everything
that happened. To remember to open the can of worms that squirm beneath the places we won’t grow. The worms are the bait. We are shamans.
Shaman which means master of the worm (as far as I’m concerned anyway.) And I agree, worms are snakes that feel safer, easier to control.
We will ride the big one though and let me remind you- He put her there for your recovery. The biggest snake of all.
He put Her there to set the mood. He put Her there to shake you up. He put her there to put you here. She is threaded through you because of Him. Where you find me, we become the Queen of Dark Waters. Dark Places and Dark Faces. We lead them all to the other side- to the forbidden land of unseen things. The things that nightmares are made of.
If someone taught me that I was filled with the Devil at 5 years old what hope did I have but to meet Him? How will She ever understand who She bore from the dark womb of Her secret?
The secret She silently fed me until I almost started feeding it to others- but I stopped and caught the tail of that snake! I will not be the One
to carry your secret! Thank you for asking why
because that’s a good question and that’s a long story. It’s a place too forbidden to enter -but I went there. He took me there. He held me under Her dark water until I almost died. I was nearly a ghost seeing only colors and fumes. Remembering only what she fed me. Then He hung me upside down on a meat hook far out in the field and let the poisonous blood slowly drip out until I turned cold and white. I owe it all to Him. The maker of my grief, laughing at me hanging upside down…bleeding out my pathetic
excuses and guilt. Bleeding out poisons way older than I was. This was the myth that took ages to tell. She doesn’t believe me? She’s in control? I’m insane? This is the same story over and over again. No Mom, I was there when the book was written. I read it too many times to be wrong. The snake always hides under the rock
until it’s lifted…then she slithers to get away or He strikes her. it’s up to you. I prefer the strike. I prefer the dancing and the hissing. I prefer the living over the dead.

Can you see how stable and caring she sounds. Don’t be tempted ever to doubt yourself, even if it’s easier.
I’ve imagined it all and my perspective and paranoia and confusion have taken their toll?
I tell you my friend, trust yourself! You know what happened! You aren’t imagining it. It was a big deal that you were handed. We don’t need to hide from ourselves or help them hide and since she asked I told. He knew from the start where I would have to go. Treading insidious waters, we
must not be deceived or tricked into self doubt. That’s our # 1 rule in this mission He said. “Trust yourself”

Warning: Now things are about to get graphic. I haven’t even skimmed the surface…but I owe it to Her to remind her of a couple examples, just in case she might be willing to go there with Him. I do what He tells me and it’s His silent guidance that I
follow like a bird going south or a bat leaving its cave…..

Dear Mom

My brother’s wife DID say it. Those EXACT WORD.
“I would not even like her if she were not my daughter”

I DO NOT have a syndrome. Nothing imagined.

For example :
you don’t remember the time in the apt
we lived in when I was in kindergarten and we were in the area where the sink and mirror was outside the bathroom and you had your legs spread open with no underwear on and my brother was touching you for at least several minutes and you let him. Then after a while you were crying telling him it was wrong what he did and he should never do it again. Then he felt ashamed and started crying. You deny this happened?
Well I reminded him several years ago and he knows what I’m talking about even if he pretends not to.

You deny having us touch you sexually when we were young? Seriously you deny this?

My aunt said she knew you were “mean”
I told her how you cut my hair that day- remember? After beating me and laying on top of me in the hallway in mar vista house and hacking off my hair screaming?
You denied that happened when I brought it up when I was 18- remember? You started screaming and then slapped my face and told me to get out of the car

(I only told my aunt because she was concerned about what could have happened to me- I’m not just a inappreciative and cold hearted daughter- who dumped her mother for no reason other than selfishness or whatever)

You don’t remember beating us? Trying to suffocate me when we lived in the duplex? (In one of your rages)
You pushed me on your bed and laid on top of me covering my mouth so I couldn’t breath? You don’t recall?

It’s called denial and selective memory.
I’m sorry. But I do remember everything
even if you won’t or can’t deal with it.

And yes, not too long after dad got mad at me for not wearing a shirt (in the duplex during your night job timeout I was about 8 )
I did wake up topless in the bed next to him one morning- with only underware on. I didn’t take my top off, or my pants. he did. I don’t remember anything else except that I felt something was really wrong when I woke up in the morning sleeping next to him without a shirt or pants on.

I have so many examples but it’s not about me convincing you or proving anything. Thanks for writing back. I love you but I don’t see any reason for going back and forth. I’m not confused or fantasizing or exaggerating even slightly.

Love Michelle

Ps you of all people should know that children who were sexually abused always act it out with other children. its a major sign of sexual abuse.

“gray are my dreams
hidden from you
when I’m hiding
gray is my capsule
asleep holding on
dream god of gloom
awake is my semblance

bleak mountain tears
figments and phantoms
lost broken hearts
when torn is my soul
from the night
night is my acorn

soft white lights
thru dream windows
turning the god
cracking open
my sleep

gray eyes that whistle
the hue and the tune
soft spoken dew
on the breath of the
morning”

(deep honey
finally
found the flower)

Michelle I never sat with my legs open and had your brother touch me! That is sick! Are you kidding me?!
Yes! I deny sexually touching you or your brother !!
Ok, now your Dad had sex with you too! Why would you wake up next to him in the morning. I was always there in the morning.

Why do you keep bringing up your aunt? I talk to her everyday. Does she validate you in some way? Did my demented mother?
She just thought you were an angry person.

You are way out there Michelle! Your brother doesn’t remember because it didn’t happen!
I know I had anger problems and I was physically abusive to you and your brother. Makes me ill to think about it.
like you said you don’t want sorry the damage is done.

You know it was smart of you to not have kids. that way you wont make any mistakes and youre good. but you lost out on a lot too.
You are extremely angry! I can not help you with the stories you have created. So sexual, its weird.

No wonder you don’t want to even talk to me and your boyfriend couldn’t stand me either. Your first husband turned on me too. Makes sense now.

If you thought your dad did something to you why didn’t you tell me. Is this what you’ve been telling people.

Oh, Michelle….I feel sorry for you…you are confused.

Wow.

you’ve made this stuff up in your head. No one else remembers it but you. Cant ask your dad hes not here.
is that what you were telling my mom and your aunt?

well, if your brother’s wife said that I said that about you she was telling a lie!

You should go talk to someone. I have a feeling this all came to you when you started therapy. so now you are telling me your dad had sex with you
when you were eight. How can that be? You were a virgin when you got married. I think you might be messed up Michelle. You wanted to get married so badly but
you wouldn’t even have sex with the guy for weeks. that isn’t normal.

I think you might have some sexual issues. First you didn’t want sex with your husband …then you were a stripper. Something isn’t right,

I don’t even know what to say.

I cant agree with you on something that didn’t happen. I do remember I was mean that’s true..but getting sexual arousal from my kids..not true!

love mom

P.S.did you know my grandfather spent the last 42 years of his life in Agnew Asylum for the Insane in California. he died there in 1968.
I finally located his grave the other day.
Dear Mom,
Yes you did. I didn’t say that you touched us.
No the therapist did not put ideas in my head.
I never said i had sex with my father. I just told you what happened.
You worked overnight then, remember?
My brother won’t tell you anything. He is totally shut down emotionally.
I brought up my aunt in response to your email.
Yes I have had issues around sexuality because of the sexual abuse and
coursing through my family. Like I said before, I am not angry, I am honest.
Love, Michelle
p.s.i did not inherit insanity.

———————–
She goes on that I am spreading lies about her and continually attempts to convince me of my imaginary memories and how it was somebody else besides her that may have done these things and now she has started searching for the culprit. What can I do but
ease her burden? At least she tried and that’s all we can hope for. Intention is everything and her intention is enough for me. I love her and after all am only her child this time. None of it means anything to me anymore. I understand I am The Serpent Queen. I was her daughter before He saved me. However, it wasn’t over. She will not stop so I figured He wanted to push this. Do you wonder who He is? When He tells me to tell you I will. Normally He stays hidden. He’s the one making everything happen exactly when it should.

Michelle,
Your brother has always known what you were talking about. I told him he has to tell me so he did. Not sure why he would never tell you.
Hope this resolves some issues for you. I would not have thought that was a big deal so I wouldn’t remember it. Curiosity at that age is
pretty normal according to the experts.
Anyway he said I could send you this.

(she sent me a file with email interactions between her and my brother. Apparently he now admits the interlude but says he was only a curious child “poking his mother’s genitals”) so she continues to ask to go deeper….which is fine with me. I can’t stop laughing! It’s not about me anymore. I dropped that load years ago…

Everyone know Serpents Queens eventually grow wings!

Dear Mom,
NO my brother is in denial too. You sat there with your legs spread and let him do it. It lasted longer than a “poking”
then afterwards you told him how bad it was that he did this and he started crying and was very upset.
This is sexual abuse. You two can tell each other whatever you want. If thats what it takes for you both
to live with this energy then that is up to you two. Me and my brother had both touched your body parts prior to that
when we were very young. We were sleeping with you in a bed in someone’s house. Dad wasn’t there. it happened
more than once. You are both so intent on not facing the sexual issues in this family.
And also, you had me read letters you were going to give your therapist to read about the sexual interactions between
you and your brothers in your basement i think it was when you were kids. Now you are saying you just ‘hit each other”
I suppose you deny giving me those letters to read too?

My brother just can’t face the truth. You let him do it and you put YOUR shame onto him. I was there. I saw it all.
funny how you can’t remember until he reminds you? Plus I DID wake up in bed with dad. with no shirt and only
underwear on and that night you WERE gone all night. So i don’t really care how you justify or deny or make light of
what you did and what happened in our childhood and you can get all the backup you want from my brother but you are both
deeply in denial of what happened and what you did to him. Also, coming into the bathroom while we are bathing
grabbing at us and asking if we have any “hair” yet is deeply perverse and invades our space. You never gave us
any space. You bought me a diary and then took it and read it.

I am sorry that you both can’t handle what occurred and it was a childhood of perversion, abuse, boundary invasion,
instability and these days they take children away from those kinds of parents.

oh and also, we were in lake tahoe camping and you and dad had sex right next to me in the tent. I was a teenager.
No i wasn’t asleep. I couldn’t deal with it, and was deeply disturbed for weeks. This is sick behavior and couldn’t you
two control yourselves? Seriously?

Calling me a slut for doing nothing and dad beating me until I had cuts and bruises would land him in jail today.
You think its all no big deal? its a huge deal. Then going to the demented jehovah witness church the next morning
like a ‘good family’ I couldn’t even control the crying. I was so traumatized. So dad can’t talk to me ever or show love
unless he’s drunk but he can beat his teenage daughter with a paint stick?
you want to keep finding ways to justify your behavior and thats up to you.

clearly my brother is emotionally violent to talk about me the way that he does. can’t you see anything clearly?
what isn’t owned now, comes with us after we die. Whatever you know in your deeper consciousness that
you won’t look at honestly now, will determine the conditions of your next rebirth.

you should really come to terms with what you did. i didn’t forget or misunderstand. Why would I think (at 4 or 5)
that I ‘had the devil in me?” who in the world had introduced that perversion into my mind?
YOU DID.

interesting how you remember being in the crib but don’t remember your young son “poking” your genitals.
So please leave me alone with your lawyer emails after having done the research, collected the evidence and got
the jury to determine you are ‘not guilty”
it means absolutely nothing to me . Please just leave me alone. I remember. I was there.
everything i said stands true. I love you both and pray for you both every day. I pray for myself too. I don’t think I’m enlightened” (like my brother says)
but I do trust myself and I’ve taken responsibility for my actions the best that i can. I do all I can to purify my mind so that I will not fear death,
so that I be at peace with who I have become despite all odds.

Love, michellle

p.s. one more thing you should know. I was very young and sleeping at my step grandmother’s house in a room one night with
my two aunts – suddenly during the night the door opened and my grandfather came in (much different than i was used to seeing him)
and he was enraged and his face was so distorted (I had never been afraid of him before) and he ripped his belt off and then went for
( I can’t remember which aunt it was) one of them and the other grabbed me and we went and hid behind some kind of room
divider or something, and I believe during this time he was raping his teenage daughter. Probably had raped them both and would get drunk and
pick the daughter of choice that night…so another trauma to add to my young mind to work out. NO its not a fantasy, just another childhood memory.
*also, Mom if you just would use your lawyer nature on yourself it could be helpful.
how does a little 3 year old boy get between his mother’s legs?
It was graphic. He wasn’t reaching up poking at hair and he knows it.
YOU had your legs spread wide apart on the floor letting him do it.

Thats no different than a father letting his daughter “touch his penis”
because “she was curious’ that’s ok too?
NO- its SEXUAL ABUSE. NO way around it Mom.
Face what you were a part of and deal with it instead of trying to justify
it and then call me angry for bringing it up.

Plus like i said, it wasn’t the first time he had touched you. We both
did it starting much younger than that. I can still smell my hands.
ITS TRUTH and I’m not ashamed. I’m not a pervert. I am just
stating what happened. I have no problem facing the truth because
only the truth, no matter how bad or painful will set us free eventually.

You directly affected his sexuality in ways that he still can’t deal with
100% for SURE. You affected us both and you should take responsibility
for it, not for our sake (because its too late for that) but for you own sake.

Love, Michelle

I feel I said it all. Her Secret has finally expires.
I sat on the egg. I was the Mother of her child.
I have been blessed by Him. I hung and I bled and
I am now white with pure peace. I can also fly and not just slither. I can go as high as I can low. I blew her secret at her like a dandelion into the wind. My wish is
that she is released from the Secret that was
also given to Her to carry. It’s useless to
drink old blood…..
From Mom:
I will pray for you Michelle. I will not admit to something I never did…
there are not letters about a basement.
You were 10 in Tahoe and I couldn’t even sleep in the tent. I sat outside almost the entire night.
Now you both touched my body parts?
It just keeps going and going.
I think you need help.
Now your grandfather attacks a girl?
And you never say a word?

The bathroom is yet another distorted memory you have. I saw you had pubic hair…I didn’t come in and ask you anything. I said Michelle
do you have Pubic hair? You freaked and started crying. I was surprised because you were only 10.

Why would I ever give you letters to read about something like that….

I don’t need to defend myself anymore. You have so many false memories not all but all this sexual stuff is bizarre.
think what you want…because maybe that’s what you want to think
why don’t you ask your aunts if their father ever raped them?
they are still alive.

You want me to be guilty so there is nothing I can do.
Your memories are not real..they are real to you..but not factual

why do you need to believe all this sexual perversion…

why don’t you call your aunts and see if they were raped? What they would lie too.
It seems everyone is lying but you.

well, after our emails back and forth I can see you are really upset and determined to think what you choose.

I’m sorry you are so messed up from …I don’t know what..

I wont bother you again…you don’t want to believe me…you want me to be guilty..so think it…but its not true
You think everyones everyone’s lying but you.
P.S. Maybe you were touching yourself and that’s why your hands smelled…You are way off and starting to creep me out. that’s some really sick stuff.
You don’t need to be set free you didn’t do anything…..

Love, Mom

—————

Yes I know. You did it. Yes she did it….

so coyotes and black birds are her family now and the girl holding the white mother owl know way too much this time. During the day she’s merely a girl
but at night she becomes the Great Serpent Queen who flies over dark and forbidden places looking for her Mother whose name is Light.

Quietly she walked past the house
where the old man lived (it’s Him)
(ancient coral, lifelong face of steam)
she imagined His eyes watching her
move steadily out of his direction
knowing thru her what she wore
nobody knew but Him
the burning, hot and tired.
listening to her own feet shuffle,
the sound of his breath hung in the air
His house was old, just like Him
creeking, collapsing wisely beneath the pressures of time. He knew the way by now but she was afraid
to light that candle.
The candle that burned but never smiled. The candle He held.
She hadn’t decided until last night
that now was the time to go….
the sun was going down and she
knew the darkness was now upon her.
Hours that masked the horrors of a life sloping inside of nothing left to do or see, the grave was heavier than the shovel lying in his front yard.
So she walked, not knowing what else to do, each step harder than the last, each breath more shallow.

His house was on an old dirt road
sitting just across from the sea.
A lonely beach of sand and echos.

Deep inside of her beneath the waves a hand came reaching.
Not alive and not dead. Just a
gray twig that remembered the tree
beneath the glowing sea.

The moon was burning. White was the midnight sky. And as always He stood watching her moving away
into the folding Light….
I love you and I will find you Mom
wherever you are.
I will find you
and I will lift you into the Light.
Sharada Devi

5 thoughts on “The Serpent Queen”

  1. This will get to all the right persons. So much strength and courage from this dark place many others know. Thank you for sharing. Prayers and love going out to you and your family.

    Namaste

      1. god bless you, good person.
        so much love in this world;
        so much suffering.

        from Thich;
        may the sound of this bell penetrate deep into the cosmos
        even in the darkest spots, living beings are able to hear it clearly
        may all suffering in them cease
        understanding come to their heart
        and they transcend the path of sorrow and death

        the universal dharma door is already open
        the sound of the rising tide is heard clearly
        the miracle happens
        a beautiful child appears in the heart of the lotus flower
        one single drop of this compassionate water is enough
        to bring back the refreshing spring to our mountains and rivers

        listening to the bell I feel the afflictions in me begin to be resolved
        my mind is calm
        my body is relaxed
        a smile is born on my lips
        following the bell my breath brings me back to the safe island of mindfulness
        in the garden of my heart
        the flowers of peace bloom beautifully.

        good night, pilgrim.

  2. Sharada Devi, Dear One…I am slowly working through your blog from the beginning. You have written SO much! What I have read so far…takes my breath away. Such major denial from your mother (and your brother, my guess, fears rebuke and is unable to be truthful…probably so utterly embarrassed)….and what you had to go through….WHEW! THIS is how you have become the light of the day…..THIS is the TRANSFORMATION. So many years with these people….so much to cut through….I thank you for SHARING such brutal (truly) honesty here. I love you for your very brave and open heart….bearing it all…..thank you for being a fiercely strong woman……always shining your light! Love, ChandraMa

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