the ordinary splendor of dying

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Initiation, provocation my thunderball. Earth opening, I became a sidewinder just for you, picking up the hiss, long slender body, cool skinned, diamond backed bliss. Initiation, mysterious night alone, with or without me, don’t touch the precious parts of me. Booming thunder under haven, the daily grind, uncover your head, bagged, tucked beneath my tall ominous slant. Gaze loudly, thunderball, throw your weapon, three pronged sway, just straight beneath me, under the radar, look at me while I slowly dissolve into you. You know you want it, initiation, python grip, to the death we follow the wise who always know how to wrap the brave around them. Untangle the strands of my hair, cobra striking bells, pull away the noisy birds from me, quiet slither, white power. Confrontation is the name of the sidewinder game, I think you’re taking me for granted. Initiation is not vacation from boredom or a glamorous trip to my sacred space. Watch out for the omens and clocks that keep breaking, shapeshifting time, no one gets out without notches. You should have thought about these things before you started emailing me, sending me pictures, singing me songs, floating your heart on the water. I break things up and open, mirrors, don’t be afraid, branch out like the tree I bare just for you. Looking down below, it would seem the birds only come out in the morning, but that’s another misconception, they’re prowling all night. I went out to look for her last night, predator, I walked through the dark forest deep into the night. Lips move without sound, strange silver spots floating leading me deeper, down to the water where you float until I poke a little hole that drowns in me, your yearning. Die into me or maybe it’s a double bind, helix my prey. I will mark your forehead with the symbol of dawn and I will draw a circle around you lying in the dirt, I will keep you there mesmerized for days, facing pretty ghosts and howling dogs, only me, eyes for only me, I only have eyes for you. I don’t believe you, strangle met the throat, it’s been a long time. Nothing just melts, it’s got to be heated, initiation, melt for me, burn the night, find her. Beckoning from the upside down, the way she moves sideways, over me, bending like a secret rainbow, shadows are real. Frail and invincible, I am twice as big as my threat, always a menace he who goes down deep enough to find the real hole, hidden. It’s not that easy to know me, personally, this enigma is set for the big bloom, open it if you can, I don’t miss a beat. Thrashing bodies in the wet dirt, I am the Queen of you. Stop resisting, muddy limbs, I am the shine from your peak, I am the words you can’t say. I know this obviously and yet we make piles of ourselves around dark spots as if someone lighter may come along and say it’s ok, clothing is optional. Initiation, do you know what this means, the wait is over, the dead have risen. Tomb over water, my undone lover’s heart, poking a hole, the dread of this bottomless me. Quiet perfection, pure light on my sweet spot, OM open home, there are no doors or walls, only you. The water carrying unseen birds downstream, I saw my face in the moonlight and I hung onto my last breath as if I might live forever, you were coming and it was too late, I saw nothing and her wings appeared. Black light swooping in my face, your fingers in knots, who knew she could tie me to you like a season, one life, one death, that’s the trade that we’ve bargained. Hold onto me until daybreak, nothing is empty, I am empty filling myself with your shell, fallen wings, floating, not as solid as the black gravity that binds us soul to soul. I would say love, if that’s even a word, isn’t easy or permanent, it’s more like a bruise or a memory too old to see, this love that belongs makes me ache for the beginning of seeds, how they became who we are. Erasing each other down by the water, I couldn’t get a picture of the black bird at all. The big winding thing is about to annihilate me and I’m grateful I’m caught, it’s the game I love to pretend I won’t play so you’ll bait me like a fish hungry for worms. Haha. Snake body, serpent beloved, woman maker, man alive, pull me down anywhere but here, without you. I love this other world where the only thing real is whatever I say, I become heaven for you in a heartbeat. You wouldn’t ever know, splashing nothing but sounds, far away imagining the hole you might find, if you try, if you think of me hard enough, could I be just like you, blue thunder?

Lonely wasn’t the word I was looking for, she’s never lonely inside her dark feathers. She hides, she seeks, she hunts for mysterious pale light.
I was gone all night, everything left, something follows me everywhere, I’m not afraid of the end. Come closer, morning song, open your mouth into her, I always hear you, shadow inside the morning, tempting the light to go both ways, this tongue touches everything, it’s a slow daily kill. Inside wherever you are, I’m the love body beyond the world of faces where only whispers remain…

find your way into the center of my circle, initiation, realm of two, pulling from both ends, torn apart, only half of you until then, something in the way remains unsaid…

stains of her all over me, immaculate body of wounds and time tables, sinister grief, a twilight overhead, something about you made me think twice. Rebound, spider walker, split the difference and mount the stake. There is this lonely road I walk and I don’t feel alone, more like a familiar echo. The diamond of you shines wherever I am and the snakes you set free follow me like hungry dogs, the birds are everywhere in between all the worlds I draw from to make love to the ordinary splendor of dying…

singing, waiting for the end, all by myself, throwing coins of you into the water. I never had anything but my wild heart after all. You, rich transcendental one night stand, I fall for you always as the gold of love’s shadow casting me…

whoever went without you to the light?
Sharada Devi

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15 thoughts on “the ordinary splendor of dying”

      1. One more reason
        I think I’m close
        Standing on the precipice
        If I fall will I fly?
        Will you be waiting in the middle
        Limbo
        To say I told you so?

  1. Grateful for this space and your love.
    I bow to you Badass Bodhisattva.
    🙇 ❤️
    Thanks for the butterflies you sent too!

  2. Super powerful profound writing again and again in all these blogs, thank you again for these…if i read them all and generate the discipline that I so desperately want (finally) for real consistent sadhana…provoked by you guys into real lasting love, discipline and artistic inspiration, in some future lifetime…if I obtain forever lasting dharmakaya awareness, will I finally lose the thought…”God is
    Stupid. I have seen Him. In every realm. I crave Non-Existance.” Fuck you teacher.

    1. Dharmakaya,
      mind sucks everywhere
      anything it can find
      creates another dick
      called chewing the hole.
      Open wide, fall black widow,
      my teacher had a web
      until I too, sucked
      his head to death,
      me lost to prisms of
      perfection gone mad,
      perfectly steaming
      enlightened whatever…
      thank you warrior friend.

      1. Holy! I want to achieve your power.
        Sorry for the drama. I don’t mean to vote you. One last one please:
        I guess my question was, I remember selling black slaves in the old South (vaguely)…
        and there were horrific sins…(I’m certain)…and consequences…etc. etc. Still I’m unpleasant to look at…My question…In some future purified golden room will I have lost the thought…Why existance? Strange world…thanks again. Your something else! Holy holy holy!
        Enough of my garbage, see you when my writing is worthy of your pages.

        Will I there be, if I apply myself, some future golden thread?

        1. You will never lose anything but attachment
          to the illusion. God bless the loss. It was never you golden cowboy, you’re a free and easy rider, no garbage, beautiful eyes, you can “vote” for me anytime…I love your writing and your wild and crazy open stream of consciousness. Never hold back your gifts of gold, don’t worry, it’s all over, only now…love makes love always more where that came from, looking forward, divine Justin to more of you❤️

  3. Black bird, I care about u,
    for the light in your black gift. That gives, headless and diamond pointed…………..

    who would go into the light without me, is not for me

    You 0.

      1. your shadow is dripping
        the tree i am climbing somehow
        showing me that when my earth breaks
        an invisible flow takes me up, i know

        tears because of
        the loss of me
        thank you

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