the money you don’t have

Can’t you walk through the fire? I can’t always hold your hand. I write without guile to you and I look into your childish eyes when you say, ” I love you” I give you everything and I ask for nothing really…I wish you would listen- or hear me- but I know you’re so far away from me now and any imagination can become her body and any fantasy can become her golden voice…but for you- to love the bone that breaks, I become a mortal, a weak human -with a story to tell -so that we can be together, and move into the pieces that didn’t ever fit before. And you “love me,” you say over and over- but your love isn’t real- because you turn overnight like a bruised piece of fruit or a cold distant gaze after sunrise. I’m not stupid, I know what a groupie is. I sacrifice myself upon the altar of possibilities-not for myself-because my life is over – I’ve seen too much of the other side to ever wear a wedding ring- so you misunderstand my hugs and my soothing- and you don’t hear my voice in your ear breaking the lie that hates you- and you don’t taste my tongue swallowing your dark face. I love your misuse of the word “love” because it reminds me of a child learning to read…but honestly I’m not above the law- and it still hurts to be hit by swollen fists or frozen shoulders. Bhagavan Das said, “Once you have sex with a groupie it’s over immediately -and all they ever want is to get into your pants and it’s done and it’s really hard to deal with”…and I’m not calling you a groupie -but metaphorically I feel like a whore. It’s such an angry thrust that burdens your best intentions- which I feel would be more honest if you’d actually just do it- but instead you tip toe around puppy dog style -that raging intent -until you can’t take another bite with those fangs- or another drop of her blood from your smile-and then you shoot your white venom right into my face. I know I’m sexy- and so maybe everyone thinks it’s a free for all- or that I’m for sale – I throw myself at you, on top of you- on purpose- it’s my plan to break this open- one way or another- and it’s not my age or my appearance that makes me who I am- it’s a motor that never stops revving, it’s the secret of the sexiest virgin. It’s about the generation of veneration and appreciation for the gift of the real rub- silver skin on silver skin -my light on the windowsill that dances…a song still singing itself in your head when you wake up in the morning…I’m not going to hurt you, I’m only going to pull the plug and let you drain into the ground of perfection- and how is it done when you hate your mother so much? When you must control the output so rigidly -so psychologically blunted by the death of the mind -who can’t see or understand why she should have her way with you- so much so- that a violent, sweaty hand job and a reeling mind fuck does the job every time – makes you as blissful as hell right? -and yet the boy demon is still starving for the virgin bride. You just can’t get enough of nothing sacred can you? I’m not stupid. I know you hate her because you wanted her and you hate him because it was all wrong and yet that naughtiness forbidden was filled with the only reason to get in that hot bath tub at all…right? Didn’t I already say that you don’t listen- so do it your way. Blame me, belittle me, tear me apart, treat me like I’m just a page that you’ve  already read or a song that gets old -and so you just think that you can turn down the volume after an hour or so- well I won’t always be here- it’s not an open invitation. I have given you what you need freely. I don’t get properly paid or adequately laid or spiritually saved or even truly loved. I get left for a dead bitch because that’s what groupie do- I asked Bhagavan Das, “Who isn’t a groupie that you’ve ever known?” and he said, “Just you” And I said , “Why? What’s the difference between me and what I do and what groupies do?” He said, ” I tried to push you away and you would never leave and you stayed through the hardest times and you would never go no matter what I said or did to you- and after we had sex you still loved me and groupies never do. You can’t be a human around a groupie- they want to fuck whoever is on stage so they can be god- and it never works..” I was like, “That’s so sad. I didn’t know…”and he said,” I know. It’s really sad….”
Well I know that sounds horrible and I did stay with him -and he was so mean to me -and I did it because of my ideals and my devotion to the Guru. I have no life without my service to the truth. I cannot live without an object for my devotion- And it’s not BD who made me who I am -because I fought fire with fire- and I came from out of the dead back into life not because I’m so great -but because I threw myself into the fire for Bhagavan Das – I took his karma as my own- I laid down my life- so that the Guru would never die. My body means nothing without the love for God that moves me- because in reality – I’m a real downer, a masochistic, suicidal, extremist maniac- but because of my past lives- the love of God moves me to forget my pitiful loser self -and give and give and love and love-even though I know you’ll leave -because you’ll never see me until you love me as I have loved him- and as I love you- which is without bone or bondage- it’s a space of total surrender and it’s a painful burn- burning alive in the tragedy of separation – so that we might merge when she touches us – so that when she breathes down our throat we will not resist the heat – it’s love when it’s beyond our ability to stop the fire from consuming us entirely- and orgasms – and suffocation -and lustful fulfillment -and skillful french kissing- do not compare to the total consumption at the entry into the realm of her blessed pure heart- entry from the front or the back is not the issue – I’m sorry you take me all wrong, it’s out of my hands that you’re still looking at the back of my head- I fell at your feet and you kicked me. I’m sorry you’re jealous and angry, I know it’s bitter the way she keeps leaving… I’m sorry you take everything personally because it’s not about us or our bodies my sweetheart- it’s about your sexy perfect soul that came to me and got naked so that I could be the first to see you and appreciate your Godhood with every scared beat and with every strained breath. With every hard stroke and every soft hug. I only see our binding love eating heaven’s fire. And how and when or why never mattered. All that matters is in your eyes. All that you say isn’t in your words but in the sound of your voice. So get as vile and encroaching -and as quiet and rejecting -and as polite and obliging as you want. I’m not stupid remember? And I’m not a doormat and I don’t wait on anyone hand and foot- I serve your starving soul the food of mother light because I’ve always loved you and I always will. I reveal the ways the enemy wins -because this is after all, a game- and I am on your side. This is after all a shove into manhood- and a lift into the light of she who carries the weight of the world in those places you would never think to look. That’s right, she knows everything that you don’t say and still she loves you anyway. So bend over backward -or just bend forward and take it like a trooper – it’s all just a laugh and a stroke of good luck looking for virtue…

I’m not stupid remember?
I told you, I’ve got your number…
and I’m laughing all the way to the bank…with the money you don’t have.
Sharada Devi

23 thoughts on “the money you don’t have”

  1. Hey Sis,
    This ain’t no disco
    and I ain’t no groupie
    get it?
    straight to the heart
    this is the real deal
    this ain’t no fooling around.
    Catch me in the morning
    I’ll be clean and fresh
    as a daisy 🌼
    as pure as a mountain stream
    🏔 💦
    obscenely leaning
    in the direction of forever true
    Can ya dig it?
    I’m here for the long run
    for the duration
    I’ll still be hold’in on
    That’s what I promise
    that’s what i vow
    no matter what
    no matter how.
    got it?
    Love reign over me…
    I will be with you
    will you be with me?
    so I guess that i’m back in the saddle again.
    feels pretty comfy.
    Gods grace is such a cozy fit.
    Can I stay here forever?
    forgive me if i sound too
    I truly am a most sincere pilgrim.

    1. Dear Radhe,
      Yes you can stay forever- but your head has to go!!!
      love and tears overcome the fear that I will ever leave you- and nothing and nobody can replace
      the love of mother devi.

      just stop thinking and be you – that’s what I try to do
      but I can’t say it’s working yet! Hahaha⚡️

  2. Dear Sharada Devi:
    You are pure rainbow Vajra diamond cutting mind. Awesome and powerful and brilliant. You’re light from the last shining star in the twilight sky and you are the door way to the holiest of holies. Your last blog — weeping weeping for it’s all true all of it that you wrote and what a messed up world it’s all wrong and afraid we will never get back to the true pure mother light and the spinning of living in slient wounds and shut down longing. You rise out of the ashes of samsara, golden Phoenix to the rainbow Vajra land — yes please take me with you.
    *Tara Devi writes me these love letters every day like a virgin angel at the left hand of a ravaging god.
    I always see her as the Virgin Mary because of her purity and gentle movement…sharada devi

  3. Thank you 🙏🏼

    Not that it matters or anything, but I think I’m more of a God junkie than a groupie.. but I guess it’s just perception.. a devotee is a groupie – groupie is a junkie. Whatever, it’s all limiting to our true potentials as one soul, but without these limits we wouldn’t be able to break out of our patterns and gain experience to eventually merge.. Gotta let the failure in, and the pain in – its very transformative stuff. When life is out of control I feel more alive than ever and more alone than ever. And when you come out of it your more connected to life and God – you’ve taken a few threads out of what has sewn your soul to the bag of bones. It’s all love: my failure my attempt my awakening my addiction. God is the fuel of awareness and that evokes transformation. God I’m so financially poor but extremely rich in love and family and music and my soul is drenched in awareness as every moment goes on I’m waking up stronger being filled with the same thing..


    Whenever I made love to a girl after a performance I remember them always being really kind to me. Always wanting more love. Some of the best lovers of my life.. I never did it(music) for the girls tho.. There’s always been like an energy pushing me towards the stage and the words and music just came..

    🌬Tell me what I can do and I will.✨
    ✨spill me out til you get your fill🔥
    🔥 MoonLight touching the windowsill 🌙
    🌙 Bound to earth blind until🔻

      1. a devotee isn’t a groupie. It’s different-
        groupies are in awe- a devotee has devotion-
        You’re right too that It is a matter of perception -what you turn
        someone into- and most people don’t love God really-just power and glamour and the idea of God- and I’m not targeting anyone here…
        Ok✨Off the hook. Om

  4. Na, I figured I wasn’t “THE ONE” important enough for a whole write up on groupie-ism.. im sure you drew your inspiration from many experiences. a few of the things I read shook my soul a bit, so I wanted to explore why and what I was feeling.. We are all groupies of sorts, at one part of our life. Just gotta break out and evolve the awe (if it’s worth it) into devotion.. thanks for rapping. Luv n light. And thank you always.

    the rain is pouring down
    I can feel her all around
    Waiting for the sting
    Where everything begins
    Love soul
    Empty bowl
    Back from the dead
    With no head


    1. i think you are so cute!
      BD says i’m flirting…
      i think it’s more like
      dancing with life or maybe
      dancing on top of life
      as life – giving life-
      loving life- as we take
      our life back to AH…

  5. I don’t sense any flirting. Just your pure heart with virgin clarity. Shedding light and giving love. Baba and you are so lucky to have found one another. All my loves and respects.

    1. Not just flirting with you. Flirting with
      the world- UNLESS of course, I’m in a bad mood and you know how that can be!💓

          1. I was sayin I can’t move without you bc I was feelin glad to feel it
            I was happy to be
            As low as

            And it is nice to come up for air
            To be rubbed the wrong way
            And to be put in the ground

            I was just thinking about how you were right that it was imagination
            As I was lookin into the void, past mind or the esoteric

            Thank you. Have a good day

          2. very insightful…how low can you go…
            is the question as I am pulled
            ever deeper into the black hole-
            and I don’t think there is a bottom
            or a top to be sure-
            yet we keep wiggling trying to make
            sense of the impossible…
            the sound of cracking black ice…☄☄☄

          3. I’m going to have to be more clear, in general, so
            I was referring to me: I felt at the level of not “being able to move” like I wouldn’t dare disturb the “very personal” with ego movement.
            It’s important to me and I don’t have to explain that

  6. If flirting is the act of awakening possibilities.. You might be flirting.. with life. I guess flirting is like giving special attention to someone for personal amusement.. Is this for your own amusement, or for all sentient beings? I often get lost in that question myself.. I think I might be a life flirter as well.. Stay in the heart beautiful. Ttys

    1. It’s for the amusement of all sentient beings!!! What else? I’m finding serious
      states of mind and speculation very dry
      and withered and it isn’t helping at the party at all! And yes, I invited all bored sentient beings to come! flirt! get wet and open to life! ❤️💧❤️ Hahaha⚡️❤️⚡️

  7. I dreamed last night that I knocked on the door of room that was hidden
    within a maze of chaos
    The door opened and there were you and Baba.
    I asked if there was anything that I could help you with.
    You said “yes, I need to do one last thing before we begin…”
    Then suddenly , we were on the side of a steep ravine.
    In the middle of it’s slope, you began to show me
    how to install metal stairs in groups of 3’s.
    The stairway was able to shift direction like levered window slats
    either aiming downward and away
    or upward and towards.
    As each step was installed, this coarse powdery debris would appear.
    you showed me how to carefully brush it away with the palm of my hand.
    The debris was gold.
    we just swept it away and flung it out into nowhere.

    💤 🌀🔻 🔺 💠 💭

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