I’m not religious but I cry to Him everyday and I’m crying in my heart to Him now and I go to bed crying to Him and I wake up crying to Him,
“Are you there? I can’t do this. Please help me.
I only want to be with you. May I be om mani padme hum. May everyone who sees me see you. May everyone who hears me hear you. May everyone I look at see you. I love you. Please help me. Don’t let my life be a waste. I know I’m selfish and unkind. I know I’m really disturbed.
I know I’m lazy and can’t ever measure up. I know it’s hopeless. I think I’m wasting my time. I’ve wasted my life. I can’t stop. What’s wrong with me, why can’t I stop? They’re in gods hands I know, but if I leave them where will they go? I’m unworthy, unqualified, so weary…I love only you. Please help me I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I love you.”
and on and on….crying silently in the dark and the light…
and finally I sink into a blend of love and grief and I move forward like any good soldier would.
Om Namoh Bodhisatva Avalokateshvara
Demons flock to me and they mean well. I wear them like a swarm of bees around my head.
I attract them with special innate devices-
I somehow say. “Come here. Let’s do this. Let’s see what you’ve done that’s so bad- sweet little demon -and let mommy kiss all your boo-boos away.”
They really love this and they fall in love with me madly. I do it because I love them too-
they’re the meat from the bone of this body.
And I do it because I was picked for the job-
and believe me it doesn’t get any easier with age, I just get better and can attract larger groups at a time. They are loyal and faithful and are always waiting to catch me off guard.
Oh, don’t think I don’t know who I’m collecting in this entourage that follows me everywhere I go. I know exactly what I’m doing. I prey upon them wearing white- just like an angel sent by their god- and I promise them hot blood and fresh goats feet and cats wrapped in plastic- but that’s just to entice them and pull them in closely- take them deep into my aching heart.
I know exactly how to target my audience.
The lonely, love starved demons that nobody wants. That nobody feeds. He’s a starving demon growling and hissing in the corner -chewing my arm off as I feed him – this is not a job for the faint of heart.
I’ve been dismembered, assaulted, raped in more ways than one, torn limb from limb, beaten, abused and locked in their dungeons. Lucky for me I’ve had so many gurus -and their pure love always brings me back to life again….and I move on…looking for another sweet demon to eat.
I was born into the business of love without reason, unconditional compassion and fearless diving into pools of black demon blood. I know they want me. All of me. I know they’ll kill me to get it too. And so I pray to Him with every breath and with every tear and with every angry demon shock.
And my body is hollow and glowing white -with only a growing flame in my heart to keep me here. My mind is a crystal -and I always have my radar on -because it’s a full time job and it hurts.
Who else could I possibly be to make it through the day?
And I joke and I laugh because what else can I do? I’m in perpetual grief and still have to work.
I get attacked every day by the onslaught of new recruits and my halo is huge and buzzing with
The Kali pujas were like an all you can eat- and I over ate their black deserts-and so I became their black desert- and something supernatural happened -and She transported me out of my wasted body for a time -so I could be gutted like a cold fish in the hospital by the kind man with the knife.
My body is only a cover to make me seem harmless. You don’t know what I look like at all. It’s too horrific. Too blinding. Too stark.
The Ancients of Forever call me the Tipper of Time.
It’s over for you. Get it? You’re going down.
I always win. I’m not a woman. I’m a glacier, I’m an ice cap. I’m the end for you- A raging inferno and it’s time to burn.
Drop in and forget it.
So pull your tongue back in and be a good little demon and get in line like everyone else waiting to die by my mercy ok? Otherwise, you’re headed straight back to hell -and you were given a chance -and you’re currently failing -and I give you an F.
No gold star today sweetheart.
The shamanic rituals in North Carolina were only a preparation and final protective shield for what was to come -when I was ushered out of that level and domain once and for all. I went in black and became red. When I left I was white.
And now I double as an angelic swan and sing my swan song of grace and renewal upon the choppy waters of this murky world.
And it’s no small feat and I never would have chosen to kill myself so that my baby demons could eat.
But I did and it’s never over and I still do it everyday….
and they think they’re clever and can out maneuver me- but since before the beginning of time, not one ever has- just thought you should know…
because you’re going down. For sure.