hollow of the swell

It is very late at night as I lay here in the dark listening to the hum of the fan. The soft wind murmurs through the trees outside the open door. I can’t sleep because the night is alive. I hear you in her chambers, climbing the walls, opening the windows, locking the doors, picking away at yourself, peeling back your skin. I know you’re only looking for me.

Everything you do- not to cry- stopped working. To break open your heart into me is how you got lost in the first place. I know the tearing and how it hurts, I know where you are and how to find you. I stare at the black ceiling as it spins and pulls me upward-upward away from here, from the waiting for your return. You need me- and the wind starts to howl and the wind chimes bang and slam against each other, just outside my door. I know what words can do.

I am peaceful as you hover and the craft is about to appear. I’ve left here before, it’s not a problem. Believe me, I know the currents you ride in and out on. The whistle, the bell, the scream. I know them all, the sounds in your throat. Don’t throw it all away, your love for me meant something more. I could have lost it all, the edge, my body, my clammy mind -but I kept it for you- so that you had a place that could hear your thoughts and prayers, and I do hear.. the ghost of who used to be here-living in the hollow of the swell. My breath moves up and down but I hear only the hum. It’s a haunting love. Bones broken and loose, skin hanging. These songs are coming from so far away…

When I was a small child my grandmother used to drop me off at this old and remote graveyard in the country- it was overgrown and abandoned – saying that she would be back later to pick me up. The ground was lumpy (with bodies I thought) and I was afraid. I was walking on dead bodies and it was too quiet to not hear their memories and final prayers. So I would wander looking for flat ground but I never found it. I tried jumping over the lumps but it never worked. I tried plugging my ears -but their voices only got louder. Finally I just gave up and would sit on the lumpy earth beneath a tree and just rock back and forth, humming and listening.

She really traumatized me, my grandmother, but it was inevitable and I suppose someone had to do it. I don’t know why she did it…to be honest, the voices of the dead were too much -and I was too young for such a transmission…seems I’m always being ravaged by time so that youth and innocence are replaced with something else, something heavy and urgent. I’ve never had all the time in the world…babies die you know…babies die into me. It’s real, the bodies with nowhere else to go. She knew. She was my grandmother.

“You know I’m always here.” It’s no joke. The amber afternoon- morning is over and we know it’s too late to start again. Where do I go now that I’ve been drained and broken – then filled up again with this thing…

Well, it’s happening because something very sad and beautiful is rising from the ruins of these empty places. The hand that was never held, the one we never found. We keep wandering looking for each other…and I know this.

I could paint a portrait of you -a memory, in the dark, in the hum, with only this night left. Yet, I can’t change a thing…the wind keeps howling and never stops -looking and carrying the sounds we leave and follow. I did this all for you.

But it seems I was destined to carry the corpse all the way through to the end. I remember. I don’t forget why you love me. The dogs smell everything and some of them laugh. My feet are burning where the sun rises- but I keep going. I’m delivering corpses and the messages unheard. I’m hearing the lost prayers and the boys that wither. I’m crying the lost tears and the girls that slither. And I went too far and they took me there
so early, into the fear of nothing to hold onto…
So I hold onto you, the only corpse left -and I sing to you as I carry you through my sounds- and turn you into words that I can say. This love is bleeding and my heart is filled with red.

Real is the lumpy earth where they lay bones covered in dirt for no reason. It was real and I was somebody there, back then so long ago. Somebody important. I knew.

My grandmother is dead now and she speaks and I forget if I’m here or there. I forget if I matter anymore.

I hope you’re still there my heavy and silent friend

Sharada Devi

17 thoughts on “hollow of the swell”

  1. She is always great great grandmother tree and she is always there. Her roots grow into the sky and green tara leaves cover her bones. Little Joe said the stone people are the oldest and they sing the old songs that tell us things we need to know to carry on the word from the bird. Then early in the morning Grandpa would call for Morning water, he would stand up straight before the crescent moon fireplace and put the eagle bone whistle to his lips and he would make the call…………..and She would come, the holy spirit of GOD the divine mother bird with beak and claw. And she would swoop down and circle the Tee Pee and cry and then She would come in the flap with the rising sun behind her and the bucket of cool water she would put down in front of the fire.
    Then she would put the holy smoke on the water and pray and cry for the children. She is always there, we need to purify our minds and hearts so we can hear her voice. She is Vajra Yogini she the voice of the black ceiling pulling us up into the ALL GOOD,
    then the crystal rainbow light we travel on in death to the pure land of the great rising sun. Let the pure light within you, guide you all the way home.
    nakgpa jangchub dorje aka Bull Coming
    Bhagavan Das

  2. It is real still.
    And you are most certainly somebody here and now.
    Somebody so very important.
    You are She who casts Her all pervading Light out into the darkness and brings
    a shining luminosity to all being that She touches.
    She who sacrifices the best of Her being in kindness and compassion.
    Please do not forget that You truly do matter.
    You continually encourage me to aspire to be a forward moving heroine in this lifetime.
    Please eat, even though You don’t want to.
    Become stronger.
    Be well.

    1. words of kindness and grace from the Mother Light. Thank you.

      “When she sees me in all and sees all in me,
      then I never leave her and she never leaves me. And she, who, in this oneness of love, loves me in all that she see, wherever my Radhe may go, in truth she lives in me.” Sri Krishna

  3. My face looks at your face, we see how time falls….flies
    strangers lost in reason, never dreaming eyes to cry
    lovers lust and passion, blue-swept walls seep dust and sweat
    10 steel-fisted givers taking, takers seeking yet
    written words just flying birds, pens form sentence sins
    guns of ink kill thoughts (I think), drown in the ink-filled river sink
    the pen I curse, but what is worse, they never reappear
    thoughts so pure yet I am sure, they never reappear
    lonesome cries of silence, silence screams of prophet’s gold
    newborn grace then faded beauty, withered, growing old
    down the way along the road the plot gets ever thicker
    tortoise pace or jackal’s race, the clock is always quicker

    be well, friend

  4. It is an infinite empty room, with infinite distant walls and an infinite silence. So I can only imagine the echo of the only drop, a lonely one, its infinite decay, long and thin, surrounded by nothing while becoming something.

  5. Come in honor
    Come in love
    Expansive teacher
    Wisdom from the heart
    Lost in space
    The only way
    Back to light
    To be again-

    Sleeping forever
    A river of rebellion
    A song of flowing
    My old friend
    To be again-

    Visions of darkness
    And just your eyes
    Pressure
    Pushing
    The crystal dagger deep
    Illuminating the heart..

    You are always free

    Thank you.

    My world has filled me up with fear and darkness.
    I will persevere, and I have surrender to the fear.
    God is in me – in my heart.
    My driver..
    Ride on.

    Om mani padme hum

    My favorite meal right now is chickpeas and cashews in coconut curry with green beans and spinach.. Hella easy to make. 2 cans chicks 1 can coconut milk 1 cup cashews little bit of olive oil (or ghee if you’d like) garlic, onion, little bit of curry spice some spinach and greenbeans – sauté for 30 mins or so (cook longer for thicker sauce).. I hope this helps make you hungry. Do you like to cook?

    Feel better and stay nourished!

    🙏🏼📿✨

    1. I was worried about you. I’m glad you wrote.
      Are you ok? What’s going on?
      I say no- but it’s yes,I’m always here…
      let me know…
      thanks for the recipe too- so sweet!

      1. i have never had the pleasure of tasting your cooking.
        But your Kitchari recipe is my all time favorite.
        Keep hoping that your will share another recipe some time…
        i like to make a simple thick porridge of more water / longer cooking time Millet with a dollop of ghee.
        And i have discovered Buckwheat Groats that i cook and then add to sauteed mixed veggies. ( & ghee of course ! )
        😊

        1. Honestly, I’m the best cook! Ask Baba and everyone else I make fat! (my mother is Italian) and I love to feed people to heal them and make them happy- and when you come over, I will make food for you- and you have to eat it all! (I do all the cooking for most of our retreats)
          maybe coming again soon…❤️
          I don’t use recipes but if you ask me something you want to make- I can come up with s recipe just for you!

  6. Thank you for asking..

    I’m feeling strong, but I’m far from okay. I need time. She’s stopped using for a week now. For the first time I let her know we would leave if she didn’t start helping herself and make a sincere step towards getting healthy i.e. help outside of our families emotional support cloud, like a counselor and yoga or meditation class, even NA if she wants, as long as it’s helping her work towards her wellbeing and fulfillment as a person.

    I’ve found much strength in your advice. Thank you. Schools started for everyone so I get a lot of time before and after school with the little princess. My wife has fallen into a depression but it will remedy in time. I listen to her stories of how she is still hurting from her past and how she’s aware of her cycle and self sabatoge and all this and that and I take it all in and let her know she’s in a safe place now and it’s her responsibility to make things ok and her body is healed and your heart is healing, and you need to let it go – it’s time now, it happened a long time ago.all this kind of stuff with authenticity and without anger. Because it’s true..

    In one way it’s frightening because I have no body up here. My closest family is hundreds of miles away. Your compassion gave me courage to leave. The universe granted me a good abundance of money all in this same time frame so if I need to leave I can. It’s a very sad thing what is happening overall, but I feel in my heart of hearts this will be the last time and the more I meditate on it the more love and patience I’m gifted.

    All of her child hood sexual traumas and sexual assaults as a teen and young adult have been resurfaced because of the degree she’s going into at school and the classes she subjected herself to over such a short period of time. I can be strong for everyone but if things aren’t optimally fixed this time I will be forced to bring my strength else where to cultivate for the youth and all sentient beings. It’s insanely hard to leave someone your in love with married and have a child – especially when I always percieved marriage and family as a sacred union. We’ve been through so much.

    Why do I protect her so much? Is fear fueling my love? Sometimes I wonder – denial is a powerful thing. I know there’s more to this than I’m being let on.

    I haven’t been on the site as much because you and baba I can hear in my heart and meditations. Thank you for thinking of me.. It made me smile when I read your the best cook! I bet you’re a master chef – so much awareness and caring makes the best food.. I’m steady on mantras when cooking. Prayers for every ingredient!

    Thank you for your sincerity and thoughtfulness.
    Your words bring rays of light to my cloudy day.

    1. It’s fear, it’s past karma, it’s attachment,
      and it’s love- it’s all mixed together and the human is complex. Sometimes though, real
      Selfless love has to have the courage to be fierce to force a change of sorts, otherwise we are only enabling- I know it’s hard, yes-
      being alone without a spiritual physical anchor is extremely hard in these times-
      that’s why we emphasis it- I’m always here
      for you and wherever you are I will find you
      and keep you in my heart. Always true.
      Yes and I make people fat!

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