There aren’t enough people you can blame to escape yourself and there aren’t enough places you can go to get away from the voice in your head- that voice that thinks it’s someone else whose “out to get you.” So the difference between looking for answers on the outside by making the necessary dreaded changes and accepting things as they are- is that you know what you’re doing to yourself if you’re honest- and you know when a state of mind, a consciousness or a relationship has worn out it’s welcome. Sometimes we can only go so far in a certain direction- and we come to a crossroads and the situation shifts and we must go one way and often this means making breaks in the transition. However you spin it though- whether you change or you don’t, you aren’t escaping anything or anyone “out there” because they aren’t out there. Yes, there are people we have karma with- and we get involved- and it’s a disaster- and we manage it- and hopefully we learn the lesson it brought us- but when it’s over it’s over- and you can’t meditate your way out of the need to move on- because at that point the confinement of that situation becomes more oppressive than helpful, more enabling than liberating and more trouble than it’s worth. It’s called expansion of our horizon and we can’t always- as a matter of fact, hardly ever- take others with us. For this reason we need to give ourself the space to drop the role and become someone new. Others bind us to an obsolete role, a predictable name and a readable face- and so it’s impossible to become reborn when basically, they won’t let you die. The old you who got into this karmic situation now needs to walk away all alone, deep into the erasing forest and dig a big hole- then you need to get inside of this hole and wrap yourself in unconditional love and the security of self acceptance- and you need to just lie there in the promise of her earth womb- listening to your breath, feeling your heart, gazing up at the sunlight streaming through the trees -and just wait to die. You need to enter the faceless placeless dichotomy of suchness- and you need to touch the raw center of softness that must collapse upon itself if if is to be born again, as a bigger brighter version of you. Who you are now is a culmination of everything you’ve done and become in countless lives- this one little snag cannot keep you down- from the transformation of the dead matter into the living, electrical force of compassion’s grace. We die for all sentient beings as an act of compassionate greatness- it’s not about dying into being a servant within the perverse, insideous family dynamic- but rather, dying into possibility of what a human who unhinges from conditioning and fear can actually offer the rest of us. So we need to see that either way, we face the maker of who did this- me- and why I married someone who hurts me, negates me and doesn’t respect me- or why I drink too much, overeat, sabotage all friendships until I’m rejected and alone- or how I can’t say no and why? You will face it all- but if you’re in it, you can’t see the forest for the trees. A Chinese proverb says, “if you keep going in the same direction you’re going to end up where you’re headed.” And don’t kid yourself that these comfy little baby steps will make a difference- no. We require a quantum leap of immeasurable faith and grace- to get out of this mess- and right now, you’re only wasting time pretending that you’re dealing with anything- because you’re too energetically entangled, submerged, drowning in the needs of others- and that’s NOT a bodhisattva- that is an enabler and it’s hurting you as well as those you enable- what you will need to do is conjure up is a huge dose of fierce compassion, for yourself and others- not “idiot compassion” as Chogyam Trumpa would say- which is a type of sentimental, smiling, pathetic “kindness” that helps no one- and also doesn’t make you unpopular- so it’s safe, but its weak and ineffective- but instead wield the sword of fierce compassion which awakens and releases- it is the decisive and wrathful action that destroys all negativity- and this- oh so kind- wise use of skillful means is about cutting hurtful things away- and so saying, “please be nice to me.” is delusion. Nice to who? The sick person that keeps you projecting, expecting, clinging and biting at me? No, and you aren’t a martyr by the way, you’re just another drop in the bucket and it’s the same old family story…the same old incestuous crime and there is a price for ignoring what you know. So why pretend it’s otherwise by saying, “there is a child that I must protect” and “I must save the child.” Oh really? What child, whose child? It’s not the first time I’ve heard this….and too bad you’re projecting so badly onto that “child” so that the child herself is made invisible unto herself- and so isn’t really being given the hope of any future of her own authentic creation but now is cursed but to become another “you” and do it to someone else and imprison herself for “the innocent child” it’s happened to us all and we all do it- but it’s not selfless- it’s you, it’s me, trying to save yourself, myself- at another’s expense- and don’t you know the best thing you can do for anyone, especially relatives is to liberate yourself from the family demons? It’s so hard to be free from your childhood that you are compelled to repeat it no matter how old or wise you think you’ve become- we are all programmed to wash, rinse and repeat automatically- we have to fight against this puppethood masked as adulthood- with every thing we’ve got- and yet, it’s also so easy to stop once we cease pretending there is someone out there- or some other place we can make a difference. Nothing is happening until we unclog ourself by dying to what we’ve imagined we are- and that won’t happen until we are born again after rotting in our own decay- so we must have the space to allow the decay and to face the unacceptable emotions and stop being busy “serving” the family, the boss or the addiction. I said get out of your mess, the bad scene that limits your expansion of consciousness because other people effect our astral body which is where transformation occurs- I didn’t say run from your problems -because they’re surely going with you- but now you’ll have the space to tell who is who in this world of duality and mirrors- so it’s not about disowning or replacing anybody, situation or anything- because it’s all about the labyrinth of you- getting inside of the complexity and richness of you- it’s going to take an intimacy with yourself exclusively before you can even see what you’ve been doing with or to others.
It’s the same remedy, the same saving grace, the same soul prescription. And it’s up to you to take the medicine if you really want to heal yourself or anybody “out there.”
A bodhisattva is ruthless in uprooting the cause, not covering the symptoms with more sticky bandaid kisses.
And I know I’m only talking to myself and that’s all I ever do. I do not preach anything I myself have not done. I don’t give advice I myself have not followed. I know the depression of caretaker entrenchment and the restless turmoil of needing to change- but not yet knowing exactly how. Don’t bother feeling defeated, weak or discouraged. Forge ahead because it’s all you can do- willfully improve day by day- don’t slack off or be a doormat- don’t be a passive aggressive caretaker- don’t pretend to be a selfless martyr, it will only come back and bite you with a vengeance- and most importantly, don’t be afraid of the unknown.
Where shall I live, what shall I eat? Have faith, god gives- and like my teacher always said, “god knows who you are, where you are, what you want, what you need and when you need it.” So what’s the problem?
As Bhagavan Das says, “you don’t have any problems, you just need more faith in god.”