Hiding in the shadows, watching me everywhere I go, It’s you. It’s only you. It’s always been you.
I don’t really sleep. I just lay in the dark waiting for you. You’ve already come twice this week.
I’m not sure if you know that you’re doing it.
Breathing down my neck, invisible and dangerous. I never know what could happen and so I wait like a cat with my eyes open wide. But late last night- you came to my bed -and you leaned over me -and you searched my eyes deeply – then, with a slight smile (which was unusual) you melted into my body.
Forever, at last.
Such total love misunderstood.
But I always knew you-and so I wait for more.
People think I don’t know what you’re about to do to us all, but I do know- and I can’t wait to see you again. Since the last time that I died -two years ago- I love only you- and I know where to find you -and who carries your seed.
It wasn’t a hospital -and it wasn’t an illness or condition- it was a supernatural shamanic attack- and they tried to kill me -because they know I’m your Queen -and they know the damage I can do- and they know that you spread water under my feet everywhere that I walk.
If it wasn’t for you, I’d have nothing to do. But you gave me a seat in your heaven. Your heaven in the island below. The underworld haven of so many bad girls, but I’m not bad at all- and that’s why you picked me. Yes, I’m talking to you and it’s not about me. And my seat came with a crown and so does yours. And my feet are covered in gold and pearls and my crown has 3 Ravens that sit watching everyone -and you are with me
-and this bed is rocking.
So I lay there waiting because you are my redeemer -and nobody knows -but you -how to slice me -or how to put me together- We all came here wanting the same thing- and so we have to do the dirty deed- and we have to get fired-
And I hung from the meat hook in the back of the room- and it all bled out –
who she could ever have been- whatever was- is gone- and so the stories I tell- are like myths or like fables- yes, I remember her but she isn’t there.
And I had a dream and we were all laughing – laughing to death -at the joke -and at how much fun we’ve given each other. My exotic and brilliant mother. My stealth and gorgeous father. My genius and brooding brother. Even you, you were in that dream laughing too.
We all know what’s next don’t we?
Pinnacles and pageants and angry men who think I tease pricks- well I don’t have a lot of time to waste on teasing. I mostly like doing. And a prize? Yes, a big prize -I’ve given myself to you.
I hope you can find me in the same way that I’ve found you -because like I said before, he’s coming and maybe even again tonight. Will you be ready to see his silver gray eyes?
“Bow deep and low to the black bitch of the black hole.” That’s what Bhagavan Das says- and he really does know best -because there’s no reaching the bottom -and mommy never dies -and you can’t stop loving me even if you try.
He came to me and He made the offer He said, “listen, shaman, there are two ways we can go. I can be on top, or you can.”
And then He got out his dagger -and He got out His silver gray eyes- and He opened his big mouth -and He basically swallowed me. I went down hard and fast and She was watching from the top of the room. I didn’t come back for about six months-
and when I did, I didn’t matter anymore. And I commanded the birds in the sky -and I heard the fish in the sea -and I made storms and sanctuaries -and I bled the moon dry.
Dry of the past – of the forlorn little maiden that stumbles us all.
From naive virgin to immaculate Queen. From frolicking maiden to master mistress.
That’s what He’ll do to you deep in the night.
The Dark Talks…
… and the sound of the trees ushering Him down the long driveway straight into me. He’s quiet and light on His feet -and so I don’t always hear Him. Unless He rides in on His horse and I hear the panting tongue of the Man I always loved.
He lets me eat Him over and over again and He’s never scared or mad.
Because He’s the Love that Takes Us Home.
I was born from Him. I will go with Him. I will die into Him until the end of time.
So before you call me a slut or man hater, before you say. “What has become of Her blog” stop for a minute and hear what I’m saying because:
you’re all fucking each other anyway- so you might as well get it right.
…and for those of you who think you aren’t…I’ll be waiting when you arrive at His Gates. I’ll be waiting with a throne and a castle. I’ll be waiting with heaven and hell. I’ll be waiting with the sacred and the profane.
I’ll be waiting to hug you forever.