What I wrote yesterday and what I ever write is only about me and my journey. However you take it, is your choice- whether to be cursed or blessed by the words of nobody at all. And of course I’m somebody, but not like you’d have it. I am a chameleon and I change based on the moment, the person before me and the need that is answered. Again, only I can be the judge of my experience and intention. Obviously I don’t write the blog to get rich or famous or work on my writing skills. I have a certain mastery over words, communication and sound that I am aware of and not due to an ego trip but due to self awareness- and so I don’t need to seek validation, confirmation or approval elsewhere, but only within myself. Insecurity makes one defensive, but not confident enough to speak their mind with a clarity not polluted by the distortion of projection- due to the fear of not facing oneself and one’s own self generated demons. Like Bhagavan Das always says, “it’s nobody’s fault but mine.” meaning it’s your fault, it’s my fault. It’s the fault of the source and projector- and with that proper attitude all can be transformed and made peaceful- otherwise, you’re just a comfy little angry thumb sucking victim who constantly shits in his already dirty diapers. Only you can learn to use the toilet- no one can do it for you Boo Boo- ok?
Anyway, back to me- and more about me: I do not claim to be a Guru or a Goddess- I have never made these claims and I never will- even though people may assume or title me as such. I’m just a compliant worker for the dharma and I’ll play any role given. Mostly I’m a floor sweeper and it’s not glamorous at all. My life has been a life of mundane duty- and of course that’s how I learned to make mediocrity and curses beautiful and poetic- out of dire need- desperation- I’m no coward. And that’s how she corners us to make us resourceful- greater than we were- by challenging our agenda and making us uncomfortable not only in our own skin but in our horribly disappointing life.
“Life’s a bitch and then you die.”
Great, now what should I do?
“I could have been so much more, I could have been somebody great that you could see on the outside. I could have been given some sort of reinforcement, support or validation. I could have been given something! I just want to die, what’s the point? Nobody cares about me anyway…”
Pity, pity, pity and indulging in bouts of “poor me” only pisses me off more at my “unfair existence”- and yes, it’s all actually true. Life is miserable when she’s teaching us the truth -and I said it all for many years- “my life sucks” and then after awhile I just got bored being depressed, tired of throwing fits for the benefit of those around me, I became unfulfilled crying in my chamber of self pity daily…and plus my tactics weren’t working at all…never enough. This world has never been enough for me…
the change wasn’t easy or natural it was ENFORCED. Enforced by Beautiful Mother Doom because she loves me and I knew she was there but I couldn’t find a way to view her that made any tangible sense- until I let go of my tortured, stupid mind and I genuinely went inside myself- at first feeling only the twinge of yearning in my heart that steadily grew like a vine as I purified- but only through negation of my intellect and due to the seeds of all my gurus grace- this heart vine grew to a huge force of electrical heat that became a holy volcano of her hot spewing light and I let her take over by surrendering myself to this strange, all consuming love. The tears I once cried for my failed ego self I now cried for my god obsession- and all because of her hidden hand…
I hated anything mundane- paying bills, buying groceries- being stable in any way- I HATED IT. She made me work in the garden, sleep every night, eat healthy food regularly- develop a spiritual routine of yoga, pranayama and meditation- and I fought with all my might against the stability and commitment factor- but she held me down tightly- because she was right and I saw that I was becoming calmer- more trusting of letting go- and I realized that I really was changing from being terrified of my wild dualistic nature into a workable solid integration of being. My devotion was held steady by her mercy and I could do my awful mundane and difficult life with a new found appreciation saying, “Hare Krishna” instead of “I hate these cats” as I changed the litter box. In this way she taught me TANTRA much like how the karate kid was taught- nothing fancy, glamorous or impressive- but she was right- and my heart followed- and I attained a certain level of irreversible result. This is Saturn’s blessing and it’s not given lightly.
If I did not have devotion to her I would be a worse disaster today than I was then. I would probably be dead. I was a danger to myself and I was reckless- I did not believe in the god my parents taught- no god for me thanks- and I went out totally 100% alone into this world- I had nobody, no friend, in a new town- 19 years old and crazy with nothing- still she was always there watching over me- she never left me- she saved me so many times- and she helped me when I was stuck- she also caused ALL of my suffering- and so it’s ALL her fault…
I love her so much that it’s beyond me to rationalize because it makes no sense on the surface- and yet, in retrospect, her constant curse upon me has been the only blessing of my painful life- the only good thing that has ever happened to me- and the only reason for anything about me that is worthwhile whatsoever to humanity- because her curse IS the arrow pointing to God.
RAM came and Hanuman found me almost dead in my material prison. She is always there even when we don’t talk about her. She carried Hanuman through the sky. She made Sita say RAM RAM. She was the arrow RAM shot into Ravana. She is the serpent around Shiva’s throat. She is the tear of compassion that fell from the eye of Avalokateshwara…
you are here in this samsaric realm of dualistic suffering, of course she seems wicked and mean when it’s time to shed some dead skin. She is the voice in the Guru’s ear that tells him what to do. She is the one who writes through me. I do not censor or self correct the words of anything I write. I flow and I take the wrath of those consequences- because she is wise and crazy and she knows beyond me as she always will. I am like a bat in a cave- I feel my way because of her sonar. I listen to her happiness in the sun and I swoon to the chatter of her moon world. There isn’t anything that isn’t made of her. It’s learning how to move, ride, dance, write, sing, eat, love, feel, express, create the mother alive. Beautiful beautiful life.
Always create the mother alive is our dharma.
Bhagavan Das is a living example of this siddhi. Beautifully sitting all alone by the river in his heart singing to the light of the Guru in her. Always true. His pure love is far beyond us…I see it every day and so does she. The mother is alive in him because he put her there and he puts her everywhere and nobody even sees him do it but me. He doesn’t forget her even in his sleep. He is living the mother alive as a true Tantric adept, he is the Bhakti master of our time. He is a rare art of being because he knows…
that she is invisible and so you make her appear in anyway that you want depending on your purity of projection and depending on the content of your heart. She is beautiful and she is ugly. That depends on whether you are beautiful or you feel ugly- that’s what I said yesterday, it’s about perspective: she is Krishna the lord of love. She is the sound of his flute- or do you only hear the threat of his war siren?
In the Bhagavad Gita she said through the mouth of Krishna,
“And when he sees me in all and sees all in me then I never leave him and he never leaves me. And he, who in this oneness of love, loves me in all that he sees, where ever this man may live, in truth, he lives in me.”
And so Krishna starts wars out of love because like he told Arjuna, “you may not want to enter this war, you may think it’s avoidable…but the war is upon you and if you do not fight you will just die a total loser and if you let them kill you in this holiest of holy wars -called your life- without even fighting back you were pretty much a stupid, useless coward. Rise up and wield the sword of Kali! Fight Back and be Victorious!”
Ok. Krishna is the embodiment of love. Maybe the problem is a misconception of what love and compassion is- and how you think the truth of love’s plunge or wake up call shouldn’t hurt- but instead soothingly numb you and comfort you back to your dream sleep. Lull you and let you remain a thorn in your own aching side- limp, weak and dull.
“We are slow to believe that which if believed would hurt our feelings.” Ovid- Roman Poet 43-18 BC
No that’s not real love- to enable your demons- but it IS “love” to those demons that we need to kill in this holy war isn’t it? The demon would say, “if you love me you won’t hurt me with your dagger. You’ll pick off my lice and be nice to me all the time and let me talk endless shit about my dirty diapers”
Hahaha! Kali always wins the war of love you stupid demon.
And so I worship the 1,000 armed Avalokateshwara because before he had a thousand arms and 10 heads he felt impotent and defeated, he cried to his Guru Amitaba and said, “it’s hopeless I can’t help anyone, they’re too f’d up” and long story short, Avalokateshwara ended up with 1,000 arms and 10 heads made of all the necessary weapons of her exacting mercy- depending on the person, case and place- exorcism or blessing? It depends on the season- wrathful, magnetizing, enriching, purifying- are the seasonal colors of his heads-which move in all directions- and so the great compassionate one see more about you than you can ever know.
Love has many faces and none can know themselves but through her- but she doesn’t make it easy. If you want logic and answers, too bad. You need more faith and devotion. You need to learn how to be led by an intuitive, strange sort of love- until you can trust yourself enough to know that you are not separate from her. Time Immortal is what it takes. Only the results of your actions will validate whether my words are true. If you don’t do, you won’t know- you’ll just speculate, formulate and think yourself and your future/past to death. If you step into the waves of her ocean because you’re getting wiser and see that this is her ghetto and she’s in charge, not you- then you can say goodbye forever to the past and become the eternal now in her endless bath of light.
She tests you by tempting you with all the filth of addiction and lets you believe it’s ok, “I shouldn’t push myself too hard.” She shows you what the results of your behavior are because your heart feels darkened by the filth you ingest…and still you won’t surrender? There is only one dog in this fight, one soldier in this war, one god in the making. You- and you better figure out who your real friends are…
don’t be superficial and don’t think I think it’s about my greatness and claims of ownership over “who knows what” I’m just flowing for her and you can take it as you will. It’s my life and I know it’s painful. Life is so hard it isn’t funny and so we should laugh more and remember that we aren’t getting old, our sentence here is shortening and we should become shinier day by day. We are not a failure we are a deep sea diver who came to dive down and see where life comes from. Death isn’t the ultimate failure. Death is the victory if you ever lived at all.
Question: What does it mean to live?
Answer: Become Krishna’s flute and be without a care that she won’t cover, let the sound of her love fill you and enchant the entire world.
Elaboration: You are the mother alive. Be responsible for yourself and your actions, do not be a new age kook- waiting for god to save you- no that’s spiritual bypassing remember? Please find out what she means before jumping to conclusion…
remember for all times there is a season…a time to live only comes after a time to die.
My love is as pure as her jet black eyes. My wrath is as sharp as her sword. My love is as soft as her arms.
My wrath is Krishna who made me.
I shine through the dark lord of love as Radhe. This is the black light ecstasy of Radhe Shyam…
where Kali gave birth to us all as Gopala and said,
“hello again my endless love.”