I heard him asking, “Where’s Michelle? Where’s Michelle?” So I walked into his room and sat down on the edge of his bed. He seemed relieved as he looked at me with a weak yet thankful smile and I said, “here I am” and then he pulled me down towards him so that he could hug me while he lay in his bed until I was nearly laying on top of his rail thin body from the waist up. His hair had turned white and his bright eyes were sunken. I could feel his heart pounding and he was clammy and shaking. There were tubes going into his nose and into a hole in his stomach and a big oxygen tank was beeping rhythmically in the corner. I laid there very still just listening to his erratic and strained breathing and at first he was just quietly crying which turned into a soul wrenching wail and then after a few minutes a desperate and uncontrollable sobbing was released as he tightly clenched his thin arms around me. I felt like I would die inside of him or because of him or instead of him if I could just take away his torment of pain and terror, but I couldn’t and I didn’t know how. My mind was blank with shock and all I could think was “how can I take this away from him?” I became paralyzed by the intensity of our final union. I was helpless to do anything but be there while he suffered…my life was over.

actually, it’s true, my life was forever changed by those days leading up to his death. Nobody knew me after that day. I didn’t know myself. I couldn’t find myself in the mirror. I would stare and stare and Michelle was just gone…

anyway, after a few minutes I pulled away enough to look into his tortured eyes and I said, “Dad why are you crying?” and he said, “because I never want you to leave.” My mother and brother had come to stand in the door because of all the noise. They said he hadn’t cried at all until then while he was hugging me. He died the next morning and that was the last thing he ever said to me before he left, “because I never want you to leave.” I stood in the doorway in the early dawn and I saw saw him exhale and then nothing…it was a sunny summer morning. He died on the summer solstice and as the men in blue suits zipped up the body bag and carried it to the van I could hear the birds singing in the tree above me. My brother was yelling and beating the side of the house. My mother had collapsed. Everyone else was standing around comforting each other. I felt nothing but vast emptiness. And I didn’t want to do it but they made me sing at his funeral, my first public performance, and I sang this song my boyfriend suggested “Thank You” while he played the guitar,

“If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.

Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by.
My love is strong, with you there is no wrong,
Together we shall go until we die.
An inspiration is what you are to me, inspiration, look… see

And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walked the miles,
Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.
Happiness, no more be sad, happiness….I’m glad

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you, When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.” led zeppelin

and then I sang,
Om Namah Shivaya

and then I sang,
“May the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you and the pure light within you guide your way on….”

The priest had tears in his eyes. I was numb. The military shot guns and folded a big flag and gave it to my mother. My father sat there as ashes in a big vase but I only remember his blue eyes and the sun. I kissed his forehead that morning before the men came to take him. He almost smiled at me, I whispered “goodbye. I love you.” into his ear….

did you hear me?

He came to me in dreams after that for several years and he was young and healthy and told me no one could see him but me. He is my father like the eternal sun in the endless sky and he will forever shine in my heart as god.

What he gave to me. He did it all for me. He killed for me. He died for me. He made me see who he became. He showed me where to go. He left me to carry the moon there by myself. He used to carry me on his shoulders. I can barely remember his face or his voice.

He never complained about the pain.
He never said he was afraid.
He even laughed and said “Om”

My father became death.
He was a lion that roared for me
until I shined for him…

because love never dies.
Sunshine Devi ☀️

11 thoughts on “SUNSHINE☀️”

  1. what is love but death in white bone sunlight, shinning like a rose burning into smoke. father death where are you? always driving away from crazy mama, she just wants all the stuff and the little girl cries holding the puppy. wiggle wiggle puppy love is all you got, so he calls you home before the war was over. Tears and fears and bone to bone you turn him into a dot and eat him before the angel of death comes. What else could a daughter do but give the father seed back into the womb of light? They came from new york city with the LSD and a naked surfer boy found the om that comes from the mouth of the sun. He just had to eat the sun and what else could he do because father death is blue and true. She sings the golden zone of nobody home but daddy humming in the shed ready to go to work to kill and hold his baby girl one last time. Ah daddy come home, mama’s crazy but you don’t know how much I love and miss you. We are food for the moon and only a fool knows the truth, but we walk on alone into the starry night waiting for the dawn. dark dark is the night and cold the ground, the place where my lord lied down. And the one eyed headlight is following me down the highway, only one, only here only now. This is it.
    bodhi vajra

    1. Love is a nice way of looking at death and death is the real love. It doesn’t have to be clear, it can be cloudy and still love
      shines through as the sparkle of death when
      one sees the other and thinks to themselves,
      “Goodbye” that’s true god love when there is no more me…and I wanted to disappear anyway so it all worked out…oM

  2. Daughter of the full moon born
    Thank You for sharing this eloquent tribute to your Father.
    choosing now to take this offering full circle
    finally revealing these many months later
    just what you sang for Him.
    Such tender Love

    1. You are welcome. I kept the story pretty,
      even though it wasn’t at the time.
      We need to do that because it’s a harsh
      road this life that breaks and scrapes us
      down into nothing but slivers of bone and blood stains on old sheets…

  3. Golden light Sunshine Dakini, with the Motherlight behind you, emphasizing your divine rainbow body , wearing a crown of rose stems, the thorns sparks prisms of light off their tips and leave me staring , blindly and mesmerized , just like your story..this true story ……You stab me in the heart with a glowing ray of your love, and I cry as I read it over and over again. What a beauty death is. Honest , raw …the real deal. Stab me again , Mother Ra , and let your warm liquid honey love ooze into my thirsty cracked veins some more.

    On our way home,
    Forever your ride ,
    Butterfly Goddess

    1. Dear Kamala Devi,
      Death is not beautiful unless we make it so.
      It’s horrifying and profoundly consciousness altering…because every time we see it’s face, we remember we don’t have one.
      And that’s like being struck and shaken by a lightening and thunder that you can’t see or hear….
      walk lightly upon the quaking and crumbling earth until then my love…the song goes on
      forever. Peace of heart in transition.

  4. From Tara Devi:

    Dear Sharada Devi

    Your blog totally made me weep as I read it and felt the deep impact and also then grief that remains from the sudden death of my father who although was technically my step-father but was in so many ways more a father within the first 5 minutes he moved in and filled the much needed roll as father. And when he died, I was awakened and my mom and brother were asleep and I held his hand and the two of them stood there frozen — his sweet hand was still warm as he lay on the gurney in the sham of the operating room with the doctors looking on with guilt and shame. I knew they fucked up and killed him — it was their greedy need to line their pockets and they rushed to operate and saw dollar signs instead of the truth of what happens when a bodhisattva dies — the world becomes cold and the magic and sacredness and protection and love immediately ripped away and the ground falls out and there’s no safely net. Okay well there it is … yeah didn’t know there were these lingering grief feelings guess these’s more and so see lots about how this gets locked into the cells and yeah how this trashes out our whole beings. And seeing how trashed out I am in the cellular level in all areas. Time to purge and dig deep as the trash is all around — parasites working in and worming in like a thief in the night ☠️

    And then there is you who shows me this and your love is a light that enlightens and illuminates all that is hidden and your love brings me to tears — but in that good way that mother light holy light does and so I thank you profoundly and humbly from every cell and every part of this junked out body and toll I see what a junkie I am and how asleep I am ❤️

    Think of you every moment I breath and miss you terribly.

    Tara Devi

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