Number one I struck the dawn
Number two eating glass
Number three slivered tears
sharp rain upon my land
This land is your land
and the clouds that follow
the war at sunrise
broken hearts between the gaps
of day and night exactly
fitting hurts in the battle cry
You know they tried to stop me.
The angst. The crying. The hysteria…
The doctor: do you hear voices Michelle? (that was my name)
Doctor: what do they say?
Me: I don’t know they’re talking too fast.
Doctor: Do they tell you to hurt yourself or others?
Me: I told you they’re talking too fast! I can’t understand them…
Doctor: hmmm….Do you sometimes see people who aren’t there Michelle?
Doctor: do they talk to you?
Me: no, not out loud.
Doctor: hmmm are they also talking too fast Michelle?
Me: I told you they don’t talk!
his eyes got big behind his “smarter than me” looking glasses-and he just stared at me for awhile- then he got to work scribbling away in his notebook…
Doctor: do you feel people are staring at you and talking about you when you go into a room?
Doctor: does the television sometimes talk to you?
Me: it talks to everyone doesn’t it?
I then left his office a studied and “diagnosed” specimen with a prescription for several drugs…he diagnosed me with all kinds of things, I can’t remember because I don’t care. They can’t stop me.
My mother and my first husband (I was 17 when I got married -he was 11 years older- remember if you’re in the jehovah witness cult getting married asap is what you have to do as your future is hopeless anyhow) were so happy for the new more balanced me I was bound to become after dropping the first few pills- they finally had me tamed and I became the glassy eyes, quiet and subdued drone daughter and wife they had been hoping for…
(sadly for them that only lasted a few days)
I stopped taking the bottles of meds and hid them in a cabinet and then finally threw them away.
They can’t control me. Nobody can. Don’t get me wrong, at that point my rebellion hadn’t even begun- I (emotionally flawed and all) had been and still was the perfect young lady. In school as a child I was every teachers favorite. I was so smart and bright and helpful- as a young bride to be my mother and fiancé would discuss me like I wasn’t even there…
Mother: what are we going to do about her? She doesn’t understand. She’s so naive, so trusting.
She can’t handle this world….
fiancé: I feel like we need to put her in a little glass box forever.
Mother: nods in agreement.
Then they would both look at me with hooded eyes and sweet smiles scanning me like I was a buffet and they weren’t sure what to eat first…it was actually quite perverted and happened more than once…
You see I was a virgin and my mother owned me – so my fiancé had to play his cards right in order to purchase or negotiate her daughter/prize possession somehow…
(at that point I was a master of emotional suppression so none of this was problem yet)
And little did my uninformed doting teachers know that I was only fulfilling my role in a very disfunctional family. One of my mothers highest times was the “parent teacher conference” where my mother was praised twice a year for her “perfect daughter” (believe me I was under a lot of pressure and my brother hated me due to the fact I suppose that my father would regularly yell at him “why can’t you be like your sister!”) My role was the one who helped everyone and was cheerful and perfect. I didn’t cry or complain or ask for help ever- something inside told me they needed it more than I did. So I became the strong and responsible caretaker
for the family. That was how I survived. I did what I had to. I filled the space with sunshine.
I was PERFECT.
But as you know nothing last forever- particularly perfection… and everything must come up… the suppression, the grief, the anger, the hate. All of it. Everyone has it. Let’s be honest. Try some Ayahuasca and tell me how you feel. The truth is waiting and She has a name. YOU.
Am I promoting Ayahuasca? I am promoting what gets the job done- whatever it is. I told you already it’s where we need to go. Back to the earth and the crystals. I’m not a new ager and I know you aren’t either- this is what’s real- what we’re made of. What will give our sanity back.
Not mommy. Not daddy. Not Jesus. Not Buddha. THE EARTH AND THE CRYSTALS.
I love Jesus and I love Buddha-but the problem I am finding is the Buddha is not the Buddha so we can’t find him. He’s in the sky (I’m guessing) and a very hard act to follow.
Jesus isn’t hanging or floating -Jesus grows back from Her Vine (pretty sure on this one) and he’s basically a food.
We already KNOW them! Don’t you get it?! I think you do.
We need Her because life is a tricky mess that makes perfect sense only later after we have been submerged. Let me tell you how I think it
There are these astral creatures (I’ll explain more about that later) I call them The Whisperers in the Midnight Stream.
They are the ones who divert the pathways and disguise the entrance gates. They have no legs, only very sharp arms. They are invisible and exist only to the very sensitive. There tongues are forked, their faces are white and gold with silver eyes..and when they whisper to you, there is a slight sting within the ear and that is how you know you are the one who hears them. They hold upon the tip of their right arm, the key to our arrival. Their arms are everywhere.
They have sonar hearing and that is how they find us, being most attracted to those who are the closest to the Clear Light (they hear our radiance basically) then they reach into our world and pull us into theirs.
And Aurora is the oracle who sings inside the water. She summons the Dawn.
The Mother Light is a Realm. (we are Her Light)
Ok. So now,
I want to tell you of a place (within the Realm of the Mother Light) and a Being I know who lives there, a Being with two faces. Two bodies blended within one Being. This Being is beautiful and glowing and supremely divine. He is a Waxing One. Sometimes depending upon the moonlight this Being appears female and at other times, appears male. I know this Being because we meet in a dream world just above the place we know now as Earth. This world is called
Aurius. Aurius may be called a dream world but it’s not really a dream. Earth is a dream that is what I have found in my journeys to Aurius. I am allowed entrance there during nights of deep sleep when the moon is waxing. When the moon is waning the other world can enter our dreams..
this is the world where we battle the
forces of dark memory and this world of nightmares is called Baluk.
The Beings of Baluk can enter our world at night in our sleep when the moon is waning. These Beings are without a body and male and female characteristics, they seem to be able to become whatever we fear…they create our confusion and delusion.
it is our mission as humans to battle these beings of Baluk..but how we do this, is different than we would imagine and so that is why we Aurius
also exists as a counter balancing dimension where we can go and receive training from the merciful and wise Beings there called Serod
or The Waxing Ones. This is an age old story of light versus dark and of us, humans who was born here on earth -struggling and caught in between two places. (this is a long story)
She was in the room right next to His
White spots in Her eyes
White nests in the trees
the White Web was everywhere
She was back again
Nobody knows where she’s been and Nobody cares. Nobody’s heart is a clock. Nobody needs to be sewn back together. Nobody hears the air breath. Nobody looks through the Web of the Spider. Nobody knows everything.
So I don’t need the meds- and neither do you.
Imagination is fertile in the heat of a hopeless heart. Find my love lurking in the darkest of places. Believe in me. Strike the Dawn.
Drink the Silver. Move Quickly….
the Sun is coming. We are the Wanderers.
We don’t have to go anywhere.
It’s all in the Seed.
stirring the stars with shining eyes.
I think I see you now.