I was raised in a really bad religious cult- so I had all sorts of ideas of what God was going to do to me because I was no good- so when I was old enough I went my own way…and was technically godless as soon as I got away from my parents and their God.
That latest for a few years of reckless insanity, self destructive debauchery and subsequent immorality. Until one day I woke up and basically,
I was born again. It started the night before…
I was staying at a friends house and he had a night job and so he would leave at 7pm and didn’t get home until 7am. On this night, at about midnight, I went into this room where he had all these books on meditation, psychic protection, witchcraft etc… so I picked up this book on meditation and after reading it for awhile l decided to give it a try…so I laid down and closed my eyes, concentrating on the third eye.
After about 10 minutes I had this experience and I saw something inside my mind and I knew and I remembered who I was. It was very overwhelming and I started crying and went outside. I looked up to the stars with tears blurring my vision and said “I finally found you” and they heard me. And it was God.
I was born again. Truly, that quickly.
The next morning around 5 am a very calm woman’s voice woke me up saying “Michelle…Michelle…” and I laid there with my eyes open listening to her while she told me everything- what this is, why I’m here, what I have to do…and then she erased it all from my ordinary consciousness. Now I remember only my name being called, that she talked to me for about 20 minutes- and that she said in the end “this is going to be very hard on you”
She was from those stars- and I know they gave us everything. They gave us numbers and letters. They gave us God. When they come they often don’t want you to remember because it will be too hard to be here and we will miss them too much…but I remember you.
And for the 20 years since that night- I have no other focus but my devotion to that love and my commitment to this obscure mission that I’m on. And I brood and I go wild. I spend hours just staring at the wall and sometimes the door…both inside and out.
I’m attached to a string burning in a white fire. When I open my eyes I see you everywhere written on the wall, behind the door…and I want you to remember and I don’t know what to do…
Bhagavan Das says I have a death wish. He says I’m not into this world- I don’t want to eat- I don’t really like food- I barely sleep and I can’t look at people without suffering. I guess he’s right…I don’t get it at all- what it’s all for- except maybe it’s about this map that God holds…here’s why…
Not long ago, God burned a hole in my stomach and pulled out this map- he said, “Where are we going and why are you so angry?”
Well I thought God was smarter than that but I guess I was wrong. So I said, “You tell me God”
and that might not have been such a good idea…because then he disappeared and I’m still looking for the answer-
All I know is that I was dropped off here and I’m just not that into it-nobody cares and nobody sees. I don’t think it’s possible for (actual) humans to get “enlightened” so regardless, I’m supposed to “save the world” and feed all the homeless dogs- like I’m this big ship- right…I’m just an outcast -a butcher- a big question who likes to cause trouble….a sinking body in an endless sky…
And I see you falling as stars that were never here- the ones I call out to…seeming so bright- but then you land upon these dark water and disappear into the undertow- I was waiting but no one ever came…
and so I’m angry because I love you and I want to burn you and take you home with me.
And so what am I supposed to do here? How can I paint you the picture or write you the words…
and so I look at the canvas, and it’s just blank. I used to be a painter, I never learned, I just did it. I’d see faces and places out of nothing and I’d just trace what I saw in my mind and paint it until it made sense, until I felt something living, until I felt I set something free.
I’m getting this out, what tortures me.
Maybe I’m exaggerating because I’m often a bit dramatic- but yes, it’s ok, I’ve pulled myself together and I can maintain- but I’m tormented by my otherworldly love, where shall I put her? I’ll give her to you but you’ll misunderstand and board her back up again-accusing her, containing her, tying her to you.
But then again, I’ve already done that- and until I found you in the prison of these pages I thought that maybe I was alone in my world of shadows and moods. My world with no ground, no bottom to sink into.
(I’m not an artist is what I’m trying to say, I’m a gate keeper and I open the gate. I make our heartache more sacred. I seduce us into another world…our world. The world we really come from because it isn’t this one…)
So I melted through the floor. I spread myself out. I prayed to the flame. I painted a picture of the morning. “I know she’ll be back” I thought to myself…
I want to let you out. I want to let you in. I saw this shooting star last night that almost hit me and I really thought it was you. That they sent you back to get me…and so I would have been happy to die, shot by the sky…
it’s already electrocuted me once…and I’m here, wires and all – tearing my grave from this canvas.
And so I thought I saw death once but he turned the corner so fast…
I know it’s the man with his dark windows rolled up-
“I don’t want any of this.”
“Do you want to make a deal” he said.
“I can’t” I said and I just kept going…
and then I came to this big door that was open a crack and saw all this red light coming from inside…and a voice said, “Are you coming back for more?
I looked inside- and saw all these people tied to electric chairs. Then the voice said,
“Are you waiting for something to happen?”
“God? Is that you? Where are we?”
I’m crazy, I told you – but mostly I’m just bored…and Im rattling all these cages because her anger is righteous and her wrath is divine. And it doesn’t matter if I live or die because as God is my witness, I know I touched your heart.
And that’s what he meant.
And that’s where I am.
Inside the love ❤️