“He never held my hand
He never kissed my face
He shingled me
Boarded me up
Made me lean to one side
Deep in the hollow
While the rest
There is a lifted board
Where I breath from
I remember when I used to be
Lifted-like the wind I break”
Maybe I’m not explaining myself or maybe I’m too vague. Maybe my space between this world and the next is too thin and I’m changing directions.
Maybe you can’t read the twilight language and maybe you don’t want to. Maybe I’m crazy and wild like the useless wind that blows both ways.
Maybe Her heart was breaking and maybe He just felt helpless. Maybe He couldn’t fix Her and maybe She was cold. Maybe He thought about Her in ways too awkward to reveal. Maybe She held Her hand to Her heart and pretended it was Him. Maybe I’m mad. Maybe He’s violent. Maybe I’m a fire and He’s a tree that won’t stop growing. Maybe She’s the flower He picked and maybe He’s the tender moonlight. Maybe I don’t know a thing except that all I think about is you….
My other side was aching.
I could feel Him,
but I couldn’t see where He went.
So I went around, only half alive,
hurting while the rocks were thrown.
“Where is He hiding and how can I get there?
When I see His face I’ll know him…”
(but I never turned around)
He was behind me in the dust I stirred
In my footprints and in my deeds
He was calling me from everywhere
In the only way He could
stopping me, engulfing me
right where I stood.
She stood there holding His heart
in Her bloody hand.
“put it back!” He cried.
He had a hole in his chest
He was only half alive.
What can I say about these pictures of you? The ones I stare at but cannot define. The sun just came from behind the clouds and the light streams from your eyes…
But now you’re dead and I never knew you. I searched and I called and I beat pillows to death.
I closed my door and screamed and cried at the You I’ll never find. And it doesn’t even matter because I’m over you. You’re not a tower or a shrine. You’re grains of bone with blue flecks that used to be your eyes. You’re in a vase that’s been sealed shut because they were fighting over who would decorate their mantle with your remains. So She sealed you in there and She married someone else but I never did and I never left you. I was the only one you called to and I was the only one you visited in dreams.
You told me no one could see you but me. I wish I wasn’t crazy and hearing voices. I wish I could just stop hearing the cries of the dead. How it’s too late and how they can’t be satisfied not even in the hereafter.”Does anyone have a cigarette?”
That’s the kind of things they search for in the mix of black and white- in the place where you’re only an echo exhausting memories- you’re only a voice without a hand or an eye. You’re only real for as long as I remember you. It’s a huge burden for me to bare. I think you were moving things around in my house. I think you heard me talking about you. I’m sorry nobody loves each other and my brother is encapsulated in your rage and addiction.
We both feel like murderers I think…
me and Him.
I know you’re on the other side and that’s why I can’t find you here- except for the men I follow-
the men who beat your drum. The men who have death in their eyes. I can’t find any other I’d rather love but you in another. And this is how I do it. I tempt the snake to find me and then I hunt Him. And then I hear you but only for a moment when He looks my way and sees I know.
It’s not as hard as it sounds to do this.
When I was little you were never there and when you were I was mostly afraid- you were big and loud and drunk. You were stuck in Vietnam, still killing and leaving your body. Still at the whorehouses and playing The Doors with tears in your faraway eyes. You were threatening and I thought you would hurt my dog. I wrote you poems and was perfect but you were someone who wouldn’t touch me -but only look at my growing body and yell at me to put a shirt on when I was 9 and still liked to be topless like my brother. You told me I was nothing, nobody -when I said I would be a millionaire.
You said, “do you think you’re better than me!”
I really have no idea what you meant. So I’ve been looking and I know I’m nobody and I know you loved the Ocean. I wish you could have been there -at the Ocean- instead of the little dark room in your trailer when you died.
I don’t think they should have zipped you up so fast in the blue bag either. I never forgot your last face when I watched you stop breathing and kissed your forehead goodbye.
I was floating but I was able to reach you somehow.
And so I remember every song you loved and how everyone has moved on…I remember how you laughed so much as you got older and how much you loved your dog. What I remember most though and what haunts my heart is I remember your pain and your fear most of all.
I meant to take it away….we all did. Every one of us living in Me.
she flipped the lid
I rolled over again
pieces remain left
on the floor
sticking, they touch me
and don’t mean a thing
sky over matter
swimming parts of home
floating towards me
it’s wide and it’s white
shimmers the moon
on the water
of the memories that left
sinking to the bottom
of the world”
Don’t we have more profound ways of occupying time and space besides playing battle of the sexes? Nobody is sexy. Everyone is just a falling piece of wind. Wind howling through make believe skin and bones. Wind blowing us up and making us big and hard or soft and limp. It’s not so huge, this little preoccupation we call “hooking up” it’s not so obvious why everyone is doing it and who they’re really hoping to find in the other person’s pants. We’re solving the unsolvable and that’s why boys and girls are fighting. We’re breaking the bone in all the wrong places. (and yes, looking for love in too many faces)
The sun is always hoping the moon will be here soon. The moon is always hoping the sky will be ready. And we are always shoved in a corner, I can’t tell if I’m hot or cold. Who are you?
Can we do this? Do you see me now? How about now? Can you hear me now? How about now?
I don’t know how to talk to you in any other way
than this. I think I mean a different you than just
“You” it’s the ONE in there. In there grinding away, trying to get results. Groaning and gasping and accomplishing very little when you aren’t in love with the same person. The one beneath or above you. The One who makes sure that no matter what happens, the bed is made when you leave the room. Get it?
I wish I did. I wish I got it.
How to fade into you.
How to disappear into the morning rays of sun. How to walk into the sunset, hand in hand, and not all alone. We lost the One we followed and now we can’t stop looking because we don’t have directions and the light is growing dim.
As night approaches the winged goddess appear barely above us like ribbons in the silver web. They sing and they beckon. They enchant and beguile. “I know He’s in there somewhere.” “She’s just around the corner waiting”
maybe tonight I’ll meet The One.
And it doesn’t get any easier because they’ve got us under their spell. The furies and the foxes.
Snakes slithering through the grass. Dancing maidens in the field of poppies. I knew you were there waiting for me.
Inside Her eyes. Inside His eyes.
Born from love and beasts with weapons
Born from remedies and potions
Born from crystals and daggers
Born from whoever we were looking at.
“Air was everywhere
If air was emptiness
I took a breath of space
filled with air my
tube of life
exhaust the sky
rumbling smears of
So move over playboy. I’ve been from cover to cover. Languid and sullen there are no more beauties in the pages for me to hold.
No more screens to entice me.
I was born from a Virgin and so were you.
God is the One I died for
and I did it because He died for me
Holy Father and the Only One I see,
This is the end of false goodbyes.
Where daddy stands in the doorway
and mommy is still the nightlight
pretending we want something else
when all that we want is each other
masquerading as another…
so ride the snake to the ancient lake
with me and we’ll find what we were