Reverse Osmosis

IMG_5455

I found myself in a field, in the middle of nowhere. A vast, lost place. I could say that something had hidden me here, but that wouldn’t be true. No one is looking. I found myself in this field, a bare body of sky over yellow grass. This is a true story, I was as hollow as the earth was solid. Little flowers whispered everywhere. None of my songs were recorded. I sang about a man with gray eyes who lived in a box. I sang about the people he knew who lived in boxes too. About the birds who circled above the roofless boxes and how the people inside kept praying for freedom and forgiveness. My songs made me so sad I had to stop singing…and then I came here, where I’m safe. 

IMG_5458

I don’t have anything left. Just a cave- a big cold heart skull, a dream or two I never told, grief, memories that never got caught on camera. I take pictures. For example, tonight we saw a rattlesnake. I think something was wrong. I said, “that’s adi shakti” but she’s confused. It’s all me, I get that. Tiger, we were once God. Did you know that? And I cringe rather than ache anymore. I stare out my window wondering where I am. This wrathful lake looks like the ocean, but it isn’t. A few days ago an eagle skimmed the surface and was gone. I almost said, “come back!” But then I thought, “what’s the use, what’s gone is gone.”

IMG_5426

I even have this fish whose pretty much a friend of mine. I first I thought I was imagining it but- no, it’s true. Sadly, he isn’t living in the faux ocean/lake but lives in a glass box filled with water at the cafe downtown. I can barely stand looking at him. My bird friend told me, “fish have short memories they don’t remember one moment to the next…”which means he doesn’t know he’s trapped for his entire life in a glass box filled with chemical laden water. So I walked up to him yesterday- and I almost cried for myself but instead I said, “hi my sweet friend.” And he flapped his little flippers as if he thought he could fly…suspended in the water box. We would never touch. He would never remember me. His friends hovered around him- also trapped and suspended pretending to be birds, just like the rest of us. He stared into my eyes and I wondered what he saw. His eyes were of a glassy storm gray. I know he remembers. Souls don’t forget. Uncover me please, I’m dying here.

IMG_5824

I pray to the sky. I pray to the clouds that fill my sky, my chest feels like a huge hollow cavity the size of the universe- and when you touch me it trembles, then stops. Like the fish. Inside the skull cave we visited I imagined the immense dark hole to be like so many places inside me and I found it strange that I could see inside this cave but not inside my own. I can only feel and ponder. I look outside of me at things like fish and eagles and the snake. I hold my little violent kitten who reminds me of the captive tiger we visited on the outskirts of Oregon. Just pacing inside his electrical chainlink prison with no way out. Funny how all the flowers keep growing anyway. And the tears keep falling just because we know and can’t stop a thing from falling. Not an angel, not my heart from breaking all over the cold hard floor. When you look at me I show you whatever is there, whatever I’ve found between us hurting or at loss. I think of the words in that song…”we’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year…running over the same old ground, how we found the same old fear…how I wish you were here…” These birds circle the heavy sky. These poor fish think they’re flying. We pray looking up as if we just know something’s up there…he purrs, this little sunshine because he’s pretending I’m his own.  He was attacking my shadow on the wall this morning, he’s so adorable, my sunshine. Super bright is my little serpent boy who both slithers and flies off the staircase into my arms. I am always beneath him in case you didn’t catch the meaning between us…we like it this way. Kind of like reverse osmosis…

IMG_5777

my heart beats hard sometimes and you make me cry because the cave inside me is deeper than I can ever know and when certain dark parts are reached I remember I miss someone, some thing, or person or memory that I hid from myself or that I buried thinking you’d died. But none of it’s true, my mind holds the possibility of everything solid and unreal. “Why did you leave me God?” “I didn’t leave, you just swam across your box flapping and roaring. Hissing and talking too much about philosophy and weather patterns.” I said, “be careful and don’t go outside at night. I think the rattlesnake is insane, it might be due to old age or the coming eclipse- I’m not sure but be careful. She would bite without even knowing why or having a good reason…”

IMG_5811

Last night I laid in bed with my window open and realized how she has always been so close and yet I never knew…”still we must have a connection beyond the mind…we must know each other deep inside.” I did think this, I did feel less alone. And I do look at the wrathful lake differently now that I’m absolutely sure she’s here drinking its water.

IMG_5847

Reverse Osmosis. Sharada Devi 

6 thoughts on “Reverse Osmosis”

  1. That’s good, lonely heart, searching god.
    Keeps drinking water, as the days take away
    The rest.
    Heart cave, room of creation, I find you to let go,
    Reverse osmosis is me to you,
    🥀
    We will sit here, in this cafe, next to the floating fish bird, talking about a cat that is waiting to take us to the one. Inside
    this swan life. Leaving the lie, breaking day, die tonight, with me falling in your open arms. One time, it will be, through it all*
    🥀

  2. Your fish story. I love it. I did not know that fish have short memories. I too, have a fish that I feel connected to…who also lives in a tank filled with water. It is a Chinese restaurant that I visit from time to time. I always sit at the table that is closest to the fish tank. There are only three fish in the tank, but there is one orange one who is the largest who always stares at me. His eyes bulge out which makes him look abnormal. Perhaps he/she is just staring without a thought into the murky space water. I always go up to the tank and put my face/hand close and talk to him. Giving him big smiles. He also flaps his little fish wings. I really adore him. I told the old Chinese couple who own the place how much I like him and they smile and bow and giggle. Perhaps they think I am bit silly, always sitting by the tank . I was so sad upon my first visit to see the fish in there. I hate any situation where a living creature seems “trapped.” At least no one is planning on eating him. So, I engage with him…and look forward that he will be there the next time I visit.

    As for your “Sunshine,” You ARE his own. THEY own us. Unlike dogs.

    I see your picture of a lake. It brings back memories of a place John and I spent two weeks in his camper…along Clear Lake. I loved it there. I keep looking at houses there because they are so cheap compared to Santa Cruz area.

  3. I stare at this photo of the opalescent clouds
    wondering where you were when you captured their intensity
    Hit in the gut and pulled in, mesmerized by the mother of pearl magnitude
    I feel like i have been sucked into stratospheric osmosis
    teleportation above and beyond to some kind of wonderful otherness
    How did you manage to take this shot
    Were you transformed into a flying fish or a winged tiger ?
    making a well earned getaway

  4. Sometimes I feel so inadequate in my writing, as I compare myself to many of you (Sharada Devi, Garuda, Radhe, Tara Devi, Sita Devi, Kamala Devi). Then I know other times I feel MORE than adequate. Funny what the mind’s thoughts can create….so…always to keep everything in balanced perspective.
    I went to a very dark place last night. I kept seeing my mom (who passed on Feb 15th). I woke up crying. I had numerous hot flashes (like drenched my pjs three times!). I had a headache that was splitting my head open, and had spasms down my legs. Really? Like WTF? Anyway…I kept laying there…going back to my breath, over and over again, shifting constantly, my position in the bed. I kept visioning healthy cells and kept breathing into my head. I got INTO the pain that was splitting my head…and kept talking to the pain. I feel you…I felt it…as sweat was pouring through every pore in my body. This went on for two to three hours. I kept telling myself….THIS TOO SHALL PASS…nothing is permanent. Then I think I did fall asleep, and eventually, I heard the pups stir, so at 5am, I got up, got out of bed, fed them, made some strong coffee then took them for a nice walk as the sun was rising. Today is another day! and guess what? I feel fucking fantastic! So…I went through a piece of hell….I am not kidding…I felt like I wanted to just die. I can’t EVEN imagine what giving birth to a child must feel like. Okay…so that is my story, for today. Lots of love to all of you on this blog…….(thanks for creating this space, Sharada Devi). Love, Chandra Ma

  5. I meant to mention this, but a week ago, my cat brought in a live gift to me…or a toy for her. It was an adorable grey/brown mouse. It is still in my house. I put live traps out…but has not been intrigued by what cheese I put inside. So now I am home and sitting here on my computer. It keeps popping its head out from the shelf against the wall. I have opened both my doors, hoping it will be brave enough to go past me and out one of the doors (without my cat seeing it). Poor little guy has been trapped in her/hiding for a week.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *