rainbow rock

*Sorry in advance for any vulgarities or false assumptions I may make- and don’t think I’m talking to you directly- so then you won’t get offended- and we can stay feathered friends ok?

I keep trying to tell you how I feel, as if you might be the first to know my plight- but it’s like calling into a paper bag waiting for the content to answer back- and then the remedy just becomes the sorrow -or instead of just throwing up all over you- rejecting whatever’s been taken in- it’s like vomiting a scathing pitchfork in poisonous words -taking you to a hungrier hell with me- hinging on famine and consumption of rotten things- purging all remaining desire to ever eat again…and you’re still hungry even then…we both are.

I wanted to love you, I really did -and I do truly love you- but what does it even mean? I don’t like to feel used because I know that it’s a poison
bordering on selfish delusion based on my buddhist ideal- the relic of the jesus fish – the pisces with the holy bone who may have understood after all, the bodhisattva semi- masochistic long arm of the selfless law- that says, “There is no me”

There is only the mind’s imagination and the clear blue light of the perfectly balanced mirror. And so -because it then becomes impossible for a vulture to swoop- I see that it’s nobody’s fault but mine, me the one who rips open the guts of the lonely and left sided carcass- me the one who tears out the heart when there’s no beat left but the deep fist of the hot clock through the mattress -I theorize that I must understand this and therefore acquiesce in sheer defeat- for this implies that the masses are on their way and I’m only one cross with one head- and yet the heaviness of what you do to me doesn’t subside, the feeling of being used-of no love unselfish- no wise word of god- no eyes of anybody who can ever free me from this perfectly square cage- where I only fight myself in every blind corner-because now I know it’s my personal condition-I’ve been self diagnosed – I get it- ok fine. So when you say, “Oh lord my mind is so fucking busy…” What the fuck would you know- you’re reading it back to me right?

It’s only natural that someone’s got to be on top -and generally speaking -I’d like it to be me -but since I’m jaded -I’m not even that interested in engaging anymore, I’m old news in more ways than one. I’m weary- and as Bhagavan Das would say – complaining is my specialty. What will you do? Put me down? Critique me? Use me to get to Bhagavan Das? Call me an alpha female? NO. I said I’m an alpha male because basically I have been abandoned by any hint of a man no matter which way I look- so now, out of necessity I’m wearing my very own dick – with a nipple in my hand and a lightening bolt in my pants- and you shouldn’t judge me for it either- like its something I did wrong- that maybe I’m not helpless and girly enough or whatever – I don’t have time to be pathetic just to make men feel better about what they’re missing- and have you got a problem with that? With me? Is it really my fault? Like you would know the answer- well, hahaha to that! How do you think I feel? I feel like buckling, collapsing this bridge that crosses nothing and lands nowhere and I’m thinking of just starting over…but would that even work- since all roads lead back to you right my feathered friend? And so nobody loves me. Poor poor me. Well, that’s right -and fuck you too. That’s all I want to say…

and on top of that- yes it’s me again- I would like to add- that I feel as grand as any animal saver, any sacred vegan, any christian giving away sweaters in the winter- I’ve got something important to tell you. I know a lot. My mind is super agitated and ready to swing at the first ball – it’s called ‘the bodhisattva who looked both ways before crossing anything you’ve got to say about how this works.’

If you want to copy me go ahead- but it won’t work. If you want to condemn or ridicule me -go ahead- it won’t work. If you want to accept me and love me as you love yourself- go ahead -it won’t work. If you want to embrace me in the dark room where we’re bound to meet- go ahead and give it a try…because I am always there for you even at my own demise. I lay myself down like that bridge over troubled water they sing about- so that you can walk all over me -and you can break my bones -and my life mud oozes out of my mouth as these useless meandering word- and even the untouchable troll that lives beneath my bridge ignores me…and I’m this lone wolf martyr totally spent and unforgiven- full of judgment and opinion-seething with lust and compensation- speaking only the words of the Great Ego Mother- who laid too many eggs and now must deal with it…

so I see that I’m stuck with you -and poor you that all we have right now is this screen where we keep meeting. I meant to stroke your worried head -but probably only turned you on and left you hanging- and I meant to show you that it’s going to be ok -but probably only showed you what a narcissist with a computer and a grandiose complex can do with a willing psycho- and I know I’m insane. I’m not just yanking my own chain either -and the ONLY reason I EVER liked you was because you were a throw back, a mistake when a mold goes bad- a leak in the river – a total mess of life. Yes, because I’m not waiting for a towel to wipe you up with, I’m letting you drain-all over me- and what a sinner the saint can be when she knows exactly what she’s doing and does it anyway. And what a saint the sinner can be when he loves me because I’m taking his every dark breath back into my body just to free him from me. It’s her memory that wrote you the love song that makes you cry. You’re only crying because you’re finding the tears you never loved her with the first time around- and you aren’t listening to the reasons why the second time- and so “I love you” now is like throwing a boomerang laced with arsenic- you should really mean what you say..and you should really drown hard and fast into what you feel – or you will only be left with the dry confusion of the vow that leads to a bullet in your sharp shooting head.

And it’s obvious that I’m misunderstood and the real meaning of my every word and deed is misinterpreted or simply overlooked -but you get the idea that I can’t be a web forever. It’s not my desire to catch you since I’ve kind of lost my appetite- and I’m not currently  collecting corpses for later- really, I’m only going through the motions at this point- and I know it’s not good to spin this way. I’ve lost my inspiration to trap you in my sticky silken love.
I’ve lost the desire to expire at your holy feet. I’ve lost the loss of losing you…

and I’ve found the finding to be obsolete -as my arms have always held you as my beloved darkness…

the dark lord’s light home.

And maybe I’m lost even with you here and maybe I’m proving my own point. Listen to me because I have nothing to say without you…and thank you for everything…and I need nothing from you…and all words eventually become lies if I say them enough…and Om Mani Padme Hum could be a bruise that reminds us of the last hit from a lost love-the very last time I looked into your rising eyes and disappeared forever into the body of black light cast by the rainbow rock…

this is a love that leaves no stone unturned- hard as a rock or not…
Sharada Devi

8 thoughts on “rainbow rock”

  1. yeah, I knew it.
    Saw the signs but didn’t want to believe it.
    Took a chance on being vulnerable and weak seeing as it worked else where.
    But I knew it wasn’t right. That it was the wrong choice. Not really where I should be going at this point. That I was wallowing in my own bullshit and the cesspool of what I have been trying to sever and leave behind. I tried to use the tools I have learned. But application is diligence no matter what and no matter how hard it seems. Ethical training means nothing if it’s not implemented. Can’t take a vow when you are still so aware of how far you have to go.
    But the weakness seemed to be a momentary escape. But it didn’t work. Was still stuck in the
    shit that only pain and feeling the pain can ever show me a way out of.
    I thought that I may have evolved a little from the pitiful head-trip me of some months ago.
    But hey, stick it to me when I am spinning. Better hear it all now rather than later. There is only now right?
    So it is true. Actions speak louder than words. And when you’re being ignored. Believe it.
    Oh no, She does not love me any more???! Poor poor pitiful me!!!
    Thought I was finally getting out of my head but… I guess I just spun into the mother of words that looked it the water’s reflection and got stuck again. Or what ever my name is.
    Sorry that I wasted so much of your time. Throw me back, the moldiness is probably starting to reek.
    I really do love you thought wether you see it that way or not. But I have never really been more than a phantom on a type-written screen.
    Last night I dreamed that I logged on to the blog and in big huge letters with broad spaces in between you had typed.. – ” FUCK YOU BITCH / I AM SO SICK OF YOU / SO SICK OF SEEING YOU NAME COMING THROUGH TO MY INBOX / LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE / GO LICK YOUR OWN WOUNDS!!!!! “

    1. Dear Radhe,
      What are you talking about?
      This is really strange…
      and makes no sense at all.
      If you’re serious, which I suppose
      you are, what did I do to you?
      I’ve been so busy I can’t even go
      into into everything that’s been going on..
      I’m sorry you are so upset but I have nothing but good things to say to you-
      I hope you are ok…☀️

      1. Please pardon me,
        I was momentarily grappling with the vine that strangles logic…

        💥 ▶︎ 🌱💠🌾🕸 😈 🐉 😱🌖 🌹😇 🍑 ◀︎💥
        ☛☛☛ ✸✸✸ 💓 🕉 … ◎ ◉ ⦿ △▲……….🔥

  2. This bag of bones hears you Vulture Goddess, your feather sits atop the head of the thunderbolt GURU.
    Namo Guru is really all there is, it all boils down to faith and devotion, stupid. Walk not in the path of the fool, walk in the sky and leave no tracks. So long ago our eyes found each other beneath the great snow mother of mountains. If all sentient beings have been our mothers at one time or another as the great tibetan saints say…….. what to do? We are stuck in a very tight place, we got to get out of this slippery hole. Stop and touch the moment, mix your mind breath with space, raise the wind horse and ride it to the pure land. Your life is all about death and she is on her way,,,,,,,, like the shadow behind you. O mother death be mother courage to us all. Namo Guru vajra yogini mother of all the Buddhas, you know what we need. rainbow body light……… AH AH AH bababear

    1. Baba bends the name both ways
      tips the hook forward and patiently waits…
      he knows the word comes from the other side
      a pyre of pieces torn limb from limb-
      A bird can swoop and if he misses twice
      the sky says “go home and get it straight”
      and Baba bends the bird upright
      and shoots the flame through the corpse of night
      and there is no death he doesn’t see
      and the ashes brush the sound of tongues
      and the hook of God dangles from his lips
      It’s a magic spell we cast from hell
      that makes us rise the blue throat torn

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