Possessed. Dead on my back and listening for God.

Along the night’s cold shut face. I couldn’t even find your eyes or a star that mattered. I have been asleep for days. The months and years have hurt me. The nightmare of my loneliness. My missing open eyes. The eyes that I can never find, to look through in this dark. To find you. Reaching for me through it all. I have asked for help and there is nobody. I have asked for love and there is only me. I am a feeling that hides deep inside. I am a feeling that knows where you are. I can find you. I will find you and open the core. I want to get away. Far away to a land that sparkles. A land filled with effortless eyes, knowing me. However far I have fallen. I could be caught there, wished upon, known for my light however hidden. You are the one who takes me far away…searching. In my sleep, I cannot rest. I am without something important and I know this. I have avoided the truth. I have been tired and weary. I have fallen into a deep disturbing sleep that I can’t shake loose. I have called out, I have screamed into this slumber and nobody hears but the ghosts that are waiting. On the other side, on the darker side. They know and only because I tell them, how to haunt me. I let them possess me. I have no one else. Even now as I lay like a corpse, remembering and yet not knowing what that means. To be alone, possessed, held down by these spirits. I’ve called them to me, fill me. Enter. Do not forget I’m still alive. Even though you’re here. Pushing through me. To help me, no one came but you. To remember. I am asleep. There is a cold front. There is a hand over my mouth that I put there. Nobody hears, nobody can. But you of course. I want to go to a land that sparkles and has a big sun. In the morning, when I get there. I will know. It’s been years, a lifetime so far. What is happening. The passing of time. How you leave me. Anyway. Even though I became dark and empty just for you. And I can’t bear the pain of this distinction. My eyes are important. It’s where I have looked far and wide, everywhere for you until I shut them. I can’t find anyone. I can’t find the pressing ghost that holds me down. Kissing death, it’s only sleep. It’s my mouth isn’t it? I’m not afraid beneath this darkness. Warm the cold. I am inside. There is a person I know who is coming. I wait. I am sleeping. There is a door that I watch. Even now, as I lay unaware that you see me. The door. It never opens. He told me there was a door with the words written right on it’s front, “I am the door.” To which I added, “Don’t forget me.” And still I fall deep into a sleep induced by unbearable pain and suffering that I could be the person, that I can’t face the door. That goes away from where I’ve hidden you, as my heart remains untouched. Possessed by unseen entities that know no tomorrow. Psychotic. Hypnotic. Completely endured. I need to see the one I pray to. To know how this fits inside while I darken. The star on the wall isn’t me. And so I ask you, “Then will you shine?” And so you say, “Why? You’re already dead.” And so I gasp and the light enters my mouth. “Finally my love, you are here.” “It’s been forever.”

“Yes. He is coming.” I whisper into the room still asleep and alone and untouched….and through my window someone watches the door, anyway. Either way. Possessed and in love. With only a feeling, embodied. Either way. Dead on my back listening for God.

Sharada Devi