Open your wings

I didn’t write for the pleasure of others. I wrote to get the poison out. There was a thorn. She cut her long hair. She began to breathe more quietly. She began to keep her eyes half closed. The thorn was stuck. Slowly the blood dripped. And the people around her didn’t notice her fading. Moving slowly up the stairs. The people who weren’t really there didn’t talk at all, they just watched her pushing her life back and forth. The gray window, the green carpet. Trees covered in agony. I didn’t do anything for you to love me. I held you because that’s what hands do. There was a flower. He yelled while she cried. She began to look the other way. She began to pretend not to notice. The flower was dead. Slowly she gave up her hold. There were things far more important than her. Like fame or survival. She was a mistake they kept making. A dead plant in the way. Brass bird, a pretend garden in her head. Fruit and love everywhere. The cry of goats echoed Ma Ma Ma, and she couldn’t do anything. They were locked up tight. The snow was taking over the romance. Clouds came and went. Days passed. She never opened the door. She never went outside. Death was outside the valley now. It was everywhere. She heard crashes in the air. Screams inside her head. Memories of sunshine and hope didn’t survive. It’s her fault. She will never be happy. The people know her childhood was bad. The people who are no longer there, blame the cult she was raised in. Because God destroys. I never wrote to get solace. I wrote for a reason that could be anything. Whatever you do with your mind is up to you. Love is a rare beast. A beast that does not ever die. But destroys the thing it holds. I’m just guessing she’s alone now, in her room. Gazing at the wall and the little dog snoring. She doesn’t yelp in her sleep anymore. No, she is quiet. Her mother meant for her to live forever in paradise. Her mother tried to keep her pure. Her father didn’t do anything but suffer in alcohol and war stories. I knew I killed everyone, deep in his head. Read another story. Is it about me. She doesn’t tell you anything. Her secrets stay hidden. In a vault down below her stomach. You are not that important she tells the mirror in her head. Your words are not that wise. Therefore the people you once ruled are now taking over. I see. I see. The world around me. I am sorry I’m a liar. They say a suffering person must be the most selfish of all. I cast stones for fun. It’s morbid. I am serene. She doesn’t need him to listen. He’s just like her after all. Half man. Half beast. Deaf and destructive. Will God come and finish the job. Nobody goes home without me. His arms don’t stretch that far. Truly she’s not that sexy anymore. Yes, I am alone. I write at myself like tomorrow is the pain for today. A new morning will come if I let it. The night holds its valor. I am the truth of what I’ve become. She can talk about grief and self sabotage. She can ride the magic carpet all over this God forsaken land. He will never find her. There is no bird that will sing her name. He will not follow the ache.
I write to free the crazy one. I don’t know you and I don’t care. I talk to make noise. I am really not the only one looking for food. She’s dying. She’s dying. Open your wings.
Sharada Devi

14 thoughts on “Open your wings”

  1. Fire before fire, last beyond the ash in my mouth
    Goddess of winter, take me with you
    houses spinning in tornados and nothing that’s real

    1. Thank you for this song Garuda. I had never heard it or the band. It is powerful and deep. I feel it stirring the pot of life…with the ladle of death…..

      Om Mani Padme Hum

      And thank you Sharada Devi for your continued outpouring of your soul’s soup….

  2. Hungry ghosts hungry beasts flowers looking for treats. oh does it rain. a powerful woman i know wants it to stop raining. I told her I would also talk to the sky. I haven’t yet. I have seen Natives do a circle dance breathing with the clouds; they seemed to move them and darken and lighten them thru their ceremony. I was a child, but it was a magic I have seen and still believe in. I feel too full. I can’t clear enough of the clutter out, but I am trying. I know I can’t move on until I do; the moving on is inevitable. I felt hurt Valentine’s day; my inner child has been clinging to the past, and now I must seek a new home. My red moon times were not so great, but after my ego-face faced my Self tongue out: I realized I am capable of healing any pain away. You know you can too Sharada. We are more powerful than we even know to unlock. Today I woke in pain. Hot. cold. back and forth until it stopped. It’s harder to feel an open crown when the vessel hurts that way; somehow I still found my way to chanting, and then thru it the pain really stopped. miracle magic vibration grace. we face all the currents: pain and softness. awake and asleep. It’s not a treat, but we meet again and again. countless variations. Breathe into the space: the dark. The season is pouring and I want to offer her something; First, I must clear more space, and see what petals I have held onto for too long. Look into what remains and then offer her my plate. phala. OM shanti shanti shanti peace

  3. aaaaahhhhhh…here you are. I’ve thought of you a few times in the 5 or so years since I got booted off your website for comments that I suppose were “inappropriate” ??? I have not read a lot, but it seems you are not with bad dog anymore….relationship endings suck…and no doubt he would be a difficult one to extract from. I’m sorry bout that. suffering IS.
    I read in another one of your posts that you are looking at the shadows of your childhood trauma. They are persistent, aren’t they? At least in this regard, we are two peas in a pod. I thought most of my life that one day I would be “healed” and that would mean that somehow the shadow of my own childhood trauma would be erased….really, the only thing that ever eased the tensions of all that, was accepting the fact that they effected who I became… a sapling would change if bent to the ground and a rock placed to hold it down….yes, the sapling will turn towards the sun, but that bend will never go away…..ok….what to do now? I have come to a work-a-round of honesty….acknowledging the “bend” as an integral part of my being…no less than if I had been born blind, or with no arms……in my case, I have a “hole” (hungry ghost) in my awareness that will always be there…..but instead of hoping it will go away if only I can get smart enough or holy enough, I feed it (on my own terms). (This reminds me of a Chogyam Trungpa quote I really like….”It is easier to appear holy than to be sane”. )
    well, anyway….it is good to know you are still alive and your mind is active. It seems to be important that we have mercy on our self, and not try to do more than what we are able at any given time.
    Be kind, Pilgrim.

  4. Time to stop thinking about obstacles. The only ones are in the mind…the thoughts that want to take you down the devil’s path. I say NO way Jose’ ! I ain’t going.
    I could not stand yesterday. My heel had stabbing pains and then my back went out. I was on the floor crying. No one gives a shit. I used to have a man who would take care of me when shit happened…but I pushed him away because the scene was too mediocre. SO there I lay in pain. I had jobs to do…dogs waiting to go out while their “parents” were hard at work “over the hill” in techland. I can do this…I fight THROUGH the pain. What is pain anyway?….it’s an attention getter, that’s what it is. Okay, so I have my undivided attention now. So…WTF? I am waiting for answers that do not come. Only spasms and throbbing stabbing pain that goes from my heel up to my knee. Get up! I can’t stay down forever. I don’t even have my phone nearby to call anyone. Where is my phone? In the car. Great. So, I strategize to get up because if I don’t the shock of spastic reality with electrocute me. SO slow, so mindful, so steady.
    Charlie is barking…shut the fuck up, I think. Then knock came from below me “Marty ….!!!” “Are you up there?” Sounds like hammer sounds…a thud…the something crashed. OMG…is Nicole okay? Did she fall in the shower? WIthout thinking, I just get up and put my shoes on and run down there…not even thinking of what was keeping me on that floor. Door was unlocked. There she was on the floor…she had slipped off her wheelchair while trying to reach for a dish in the kitchen with her extention grabber. She was face down, her arm trapped beneath her and her foot was twisted and stuck on the foot rest of the chair. OMG. After dislodging her foot, I lifted her up off the floor and into her wheelchair. Charlie, her dog, barking the entire time. He finally stopped. What a fiasco! So…off to my dog walks and pet jobs I went.
    As I went out to my car, I realized that I forgot about my pain! Oh shit…is it hiding? where is now? I got through the day, went home and took it easy. Today….well….today is a fine day. No pain…at all.
    My neighbor is 29 who was struck by a drunk hit n run driver three years ago, is living in pain every day. She is in a wheelchair and needs daily assistance. She has very little income and parents who can barely survive themselves. She has two half sisters who came to live with her three months after released from intensive care. Why? Because her parents were going to have to turn them over to the state because they both had DUIs and had been caught driving drunk with the kids in the car. My neighbor went to court to save her sisters from goiing into a foster home. Yes….the little girls moved in with her for a year…while we all took turns taking them to school, doing laundry, going shopping, preparing meals and helping to pay for her rent.
    Yes…MY PAIN went away when I was needed to have wings. My wings are always with me…as I am one of the angels on this earth. My pain……is not an obstacle…it is a catalyst….and makes my wings stronger. I am here for a reason. I am an angelic warrior knocking obstacles off my path. I am needed for my strength and courage.

  5. Let my wings stand tall!
    I was born under Jupiter’s rule
    ….and was taught to swim
    in the Milky Way.
    I can hold my breath for a lifetime.
    Never letting the dance of darkness
    overtake my shadow.
    My wings grow strong with the light…
    I breathe in that light…
    for that is what sustains me.
    My life blood,
    my life’s force and voice.
    Only through this light can I see
    the holy ONE within…
    who surrounds me
    from birth do us never part,
    from death do us never part….
    I summon that crystal bath
    that showers me
    from heart bone
    to eternity.
    I stretch
    that I am
    which reaches in
    to me.
    It’s only me…
    and I reach only to that….
    and glistening…
    twinkling with gestures of shy tickles
    that only I know.
    Breath of diamond dust
    coats my salty sea worn soul…
    giving me hibernation
    for the next birth.
    Earth’s rotations rendering me
    reincarnate atomic force.
    Gravitational knowingness glorified
    by the universe’s boundless song.
    Stepping forth in a new wonderment…
    and never ever letting that go.
    The enLIGHTenment of holy source within grows deeper,
    so deep that it can never be lost…but rather…
    …rooted in a memory so ancient, it will
    NEVER be forgotten.
    Preening is essential…
    for clean organized feathers,
    and strong wings
    to soar across the
    ocean’s sky
    on that ONE
    holy rainbow high way
    to destiny’s eternal youth!
    Sing praises and
    never lose sight
    of that resourceful LIGHT.
    of ALL.

  6. my mind is contemplating all the many ways.
    it is not just one alteration, or is it
    the single step of a thousand invisible miles
    such an ongoing practice, what to embrace or avoid
    tapas, and the lack
    the subtle Granthis, and how they must be overcome
    envisioning the caduceus and Kundalini
    aura purification
    swallowing the rainbow
    eradication of karma
    earnestly striving to become debt free
    how to assimilate it all
    failing, falling and rising
    there are so many ways in which i am still an infant on the path
    with so few years left this time around to make amends

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