only nothing but me

God made God
with hands of fire
and God found God
in the ashes of me…

bright one, who spills the sky draining out my name, pounding waves into clouds of thunder, falling spent and lost, sinking heavy, emptied into listless night, rendered shipless, I ate you slowly floating upon the pitted moon remembering your pale face…

everything takes time, everything takes fire…

bright one, red hot into me, swallowing you, my black hole stomach is the slivered endless space called ‘union at midnight.’ Deep down inside the cavity of my recalling, where I sacrifice reality for a taste of day old regret as gluttony, filling me with you as more darkness, never reaching for her hand when morning says she’s about to come…it’s not time yet, the moon isn’t full and I’m tired of being alone…just with you…light is a tunnel with an opening into my eyes…

but because everything you make dies, I keep her down bent beneath my black sun drawing little triangles and mending spider webs. Your hands were like ice, chewed to the bone, squeezing grease from dry heaving thoughts and choking on the sweat of airless blood. How could you make a shape or tie a knot into a string? How could you grow old without me?

I was there watching her always knowing she would leave. And she wasn’t even a human but more like a snake with too many bones. And she wasn’t even kind but more like a sickness that leaves you well. And she wasn’t even pretty but more like a beauty that relentlessly captivates. And she wasn’t even real but more like a torture that becomes some peculiar form of perfected love. I couldn’t find a reason to live and so I went to her to die…twisted in rage and too many numbers…

When I arrived she looked at me and said, “Your time is up” and although I was down, she said nothing. I can’t live without her and I’m flat on my face. She won’t let me die and there is a clock on my back. She laughs when I cry and she screams when I’m quiet. She looks beyond anything I can imagine. All I hear is the ticking of the clock as time is wearing out my welcome. Her room was blue and filled with smoke. Her eyes were gray and filled with sparks. Her legs were long and sure of the ground they carried. And I, as her pillage only sighed as she stroked me. I could have been so much more and I know
she doesn’t last forever…in any form that she became, the noises always changed and whenever I tried to touch her she would evaporate only to return as someone else. Sometimes more vivid, more mine. Sometimes more hard to define like a shadow behind a flame. I was defenseless and so I lost my name on her living room floor. She wouldn’t help me find it either, she just said, “too bad” and her eyes were always somewhere else. I was power beneath her feet but she never stepped on me. I was useless in pursuit of stillness. I am me, temporarily maxed out and perpetually outdated.
She comes and she goes. I can’t determine which direction I’m facing pinned in all four places by the mother of god. I can’t tell if she knows I’m even here sitting and staring at her while she disappears into another endless hallway…

and outside the window I see the white snow, it seems like I was never here. I wanted to die but maybe I’m already dead and maybe that’s why she let me in. I wanted to live inside of her and feel what she feels. I wanted her number. I wanted her fire to end time. But I couldn’t tie a knot and I couldn’t lay on my back.
Her ceilings were too high to even see the star I could have been. It’s her sky, not mine. It’s her everything and I’m not even here. I pretended I knew her and I told everybody, but nobody even knew who she was. What a waste
without even a page or a picture or a one night stand…

it’s useless remembering anyone’s name, even God’s. I can’t make any lasting impression and she barely looked at me anyway. And even when she did, I knew she loved someone else, someone beyond me, locked in the prison of my furrowed mind. She’s out of my life and I’m not dead to her, I’m just forgotten by me…

Forever love in the angles of time. Forever hanging draining blood into rock. Forever your voice in my shadow. Forever the prayer of her foot on my heart…

and until then,
only nothing but me.
Sharada Devi

31 thoughts on “only nothing but me”

  1. Like the snow we go rainbowing again and dream ourselves awake like the shattering of a coconut dropping on our head. phat phat phat she yells as the crystal blade slices through the long cold night of worry and dread -dread over the long forgotten dead. They are the skeletons fucking in the rain as the fire and smoke of burning flesh fill the air with sweetness. Bones crack and tires squeal in the 7-11 parking lot and the red and blue police lights dance in the dirty windows of the stores out on main street in the downtown doom and gloom. Another moment blown in the wind of Mamo, pure bliss as she sticks the crystal dagger into your heart. It goes all the way to the other side of forever, and here we are stuck in the womb one more time. Dagger stuck in the tight and wet as the deep light seeing inside the darkness but still we suck our thumb. NOW get up and sweep the floor and open the door and throw out the thoughts of everyone who ever lived and died to be born again. Dance and sing, hit the drum. Listen listen to my tone as belly OMMM and be the end all -and then start to hum- and find the lighter and flick the wheel and hold the flame to the tip of desire and look deep into the eyes of the world. Who is She? The Guru sits naked in the sky drinking and smoking, with a plate of raw meat before him and blood all over his smiling face. You got it, now do it over and over and never give up on the world. She doesn’t…
    Ok Mani Padme Hum,
    Bodhisattva Mamo das

    1. You know the dance.
      get in line and wait your turn
      buy a lotto ticket and hope you win.
      Rich at last. Rich at last.
      Thank God almighty I am
      Rich at last!!!
      don’t be bought by money.
      slave is a slave is a green
      blowing monkey…

      It’s called a blow job..

      so dance for me blue icon
      carved in stone
      your name
      like superman,
      man of steel.
      big and payed for.
      In CASH! Hahaha!

      immune to poverty and
      little fears that make
      big vices..

      Hahaha and still he carries
      the bones behind him
      as a reminder of his debt.

      I love you richer every day…$$$
      see me smile for free!

      1. You’re magical
        So I wrote you a poem.

        Light the End–
        I exist, a rock.
        I give it up, scattered leaves.
        You, wind
        Me, blown

        In out

  2. “And I’ll tell it and think it and speak it and breathe it
    And reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it”
    And reflect the the whole world. till Ma is done singin.

    1. I believe you.
      water on the moon
      full of thirsty light.
      beloved twin rock,
      solid bottom heavy
      and carrying lost souls
      across the deep sea
      of make believe.
      Thank you.
      water into wine…

        1. you are an artist with soulful, beautiful eyes, and your magical gifts are heartwarming and genuine- just like you.
          🌟so meet me in the starlight world🌟

  3. ‘ more like a sickness that leaves you well.’
    this is what is happening- a true new lightness of being
    like a heavy stone lifted off a chest held down and not breathing rightly for a long time
    there is a solemn peace in an empty vacuity
    where ticking clocks go on holiday
    and actions don’t speak louder because there are no words
    just a filtering pinpoint fissure where the pressure hisses out
    the feeling of decompression – a long cleansing exhalation
    that goes aaaaaahhhhhh….
    such is this new perception of a tangible shift
    a quick left turn
    no plan, no thinking
    hands off of the steering wheel
    an instantaneous letting go
    the red Queen calls it a nervous breakdown ( she really did say that )
    in her archaic language where control holds sway
    i think i will call it true liberation
    suddenly every thing is different
    like grey has a spectrum laced around it’s edges
    this must be what surrender really feels like…

    1. We pay a big price for surrender.
      and it’s not easy coming up with the
      payment but somehow it happens and
      we don’t even know how, but it was
      worth every tear soaked penny and dollar.
      And nobody understands because they are
      still saving up for the big day of their
      arrival. Success is a deep letting go
      stronger than action or word.
      nobody can tell you until you get to the
      gates what comes next or for how much…

      take everything from me
      I am nothing without you.

      Sharada Devi

      P.S. I love you.

      1. YES and yes and yes
        Thank you for the invitation
        to keep taking,
        Dearest One,
        because my pockets are turned inside out
        just like ‘me’
        and i am nothing without you
        i need you still and still so much
        even with striving and renewal
        redemption and achievement along the way
        i will ALWAYS
        in all ways
        still need you
        Love does not let go in any realm
        ‘”It just keeps on holding on…”
        and you are the reason
        that keeps me…
        I love You Sweet child
        of the bright 4am night sight light

          1. And so should i have been… talking to God
            instead of tripping and stumbling on words
            i woke up with a feeling that what had been written
            was not quite right
            thanks for setting me straight.

            Thank you God
            I love you God

  4. Hey Ma

    First thing’s first, Today, let me Always remember-
    Let It Be
    That I can’t breathe without Ya. In a whiteroom, darkroom, no room,
    Whatever it
    Let it be That
    I laugh with
    The smile,
    sunshine on a mountain
    In smiling Space
    Smoking this place
    O O Omah

    Oh Ma Ahh Ha *•O…

  5. i see you
    you are me
    and i am you
    you are a deeper more beautiful expression
    for you have embodied the totality of it all
    i am still timid
    at times
    i am still curious
    at times
    i am hungry
    at times
    i am empty and full
    all of the time

    1. Trinity,
      you sound like the bliss of body on body
      and the light of no dark left unloved…
      her and him and the love they made
      that caught the world and spun us
      into visible shadows of golden words…
      and God never got lonely or ended
      the eternal moan of the moment
      they touched the inside
      of each other’s perfection.
      it’s Good FOREVER hahaha!

      1. i no longer know this bliss you speak of
        you say my name and play with me
        you are him and her are you not?
        this is the nectar that draws me in
        in Grace to you my Lady, I bow

        1. Trinity,
          In the name of him
          and her
          and the cloud we make
          I bow…
          to become the bliss
          means forgetting you know it…
          you’re really are the
          song you sing
          are you not?
          Trinity of the nectar…

          1. Sharada Devi

            You are a precious Gem xo
            I am waking to the song I sing
            And you are in my dreams.
            You have left a footprint upon heart

            Loving you from a distance, Keep Shining
            Trinity~ Maiden, Mother & Crone

          2. Trinity beyond time and space
            always a cherry on top
            just for you…
            🍒Om Mani Padme Hum🍒
            *where the ❤️ found food…:)

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