my gift was you

Today I was remembering when they wheeled me in that morning of July 25 at 7am. I can barely remember the doctor holding out his slender oriental hand to me and saying, “Hello Michelle” – as that was the commencement of the end of me for many hours…I didn’t feel anything – no fear- nothing- I could die now-

I know….

and after the surgery I guess I had a lot of pain and I remember groaning and being on this stretcher in a back room and a nice man sitting in front of me who would periodically say,
“Michelle how do you feel are you having pain?” and I remember making these yelping sounds and again I would be put under- apparently my pain was not in control and they were regulating it- this went on for about 4 hours. I feel kind of sad when I think about this part of the experience- it’s all very blurry- I just hear myself whimpering and moaning…and I hear his kind voice…

and then the next thing I remember is being rolled in a stretcher through the hospital hallways and looking down at my bare stomach with a two foot long wound stapled shut with stainless steel clamps. It seemed foreign- my stomach was distended -it was surreal, like a dream. My body seemed something else besides me and I observed it like I would any phenomena- and my attachment to this paper thin bag of bones and hope was broken once again…this keeps happening to me…

I used to be afraid – consciously – I admit it- and I know hardly anybody else who claims to have faith will say this- but I admit I have always been very afraid to die- to catch a disease- whatever- but now it’s all up in the air-I feel no fear-I stopped thinking I can control anything…now I feel only a sense of definitive gliding…

sailing into the unknown- blown by mysterious winds- and I go alone and unadorned and profoundly scarred -naked into the night of myself once again. I have nothing else to offer anybody but my wounds and what I found in the cemetery of my surrender. It’s hard to describe the blessing that always begins as a curse…

and I did not eat for nearly 2 months- and I’m talking about this because it matters- and my recovery was painful – and eating was like being tortured with every bite- and Bhagavan Das made me these huge cups every morning with kefir, bananas- (and who knows what else he put in it) and as he walked in the room with that big cup in his hand I just cringed and he would stand there and force me to drink it and he kept making me eat- and it was horrible- and I went day by day in pain and hunched over walking slowly up the stairs into the unknown. Will my wound ever heal I thought? And the answer was I don’t know…probably not…

prior to the surgery I literally could not eat- I probably vomited green water 100 times during the month of July – a month filled with hours of death defying nausea – there is nothing left of her but a deep blank stare- a gaunt face in the mirror with glassy, black socketed eyes- just waiting to go under -tipping off the edge of human life-this was a raping and a torment that I wish on nobody- this violent purging and purging- and seeing people’s faces flashing before my eyes -and I would feel sick to see these faces -and all the speeding to the finish line- and the spinning on stinging ice- it felt like a great evil was upon me as it was being exorcized from my hostage soul-

….and it was so incredibly eery so I didn’t know what to do and I don’t know why that was happening and so that’s why I shut everything down- the blog, youtube channel etc- I got overwhelmed and my plan was to disappear into the wilderness and live out the rest of my menial days…but of course as I felt better I realized how fearful and selfish that would be-

and then I remembered what this certain cunning demon whispered in my ear last year- he said,


it was a sarcastic comment -attempting to make me doubt and question my intentions- and also he was implying that I was doing something that I wasn’t – which is feeling myself to be spiritually superior- which I do not- so that was disturbing- and I am so tired of these demons always finding ways to subvert me- and I thought,

“I would rather die drowning in the black suffering of everyone -and I would rather get surgery every month -or become very sick every year -than to let these demons scare me into rejecting my vow to help uplift all sentient beings…even at the cost of my very own life”

Because even the doctors did not exactly know what the problem was- at first they went in with cameras- and then decided to just splay the whole thing wide open…so it’s not like something was solved…or I had a disease or anything like that – and I am ok with this somehow- because I am so tired of resisting the inevitable menace of annihilation – I thought, “why not now?” I felt peace. Not a morbid death wish- I’m just done fighting her back- or at least I’m getting ready to be done -and if this is what my life and my purpose is about then I will accept it until I am killed by it…

and I feel very different after every encounter with death -calmer- and more tolerant of others – and less afraid to be misunderstood for my
“cruel and unkind behavior” because the bottomΒ line really is, you may not know I love you based on what I might say or do, and maybe I’m demented or S&M inclined- I don’t know- but I really do know that I love you…and that’s always my intention- to love actually -even if I’m hated for it- and to do the astral surgery on you…to wield the psychic knife of my promise…

and I’m telling you this not because I’m an ego maniac but because there is meaning in every thing life gives us – there is a blessing in the curse-and awakening has many disguises- and just relax because it’s not about you- and just let go -and go ahead fall far- all the way down down down- and don’t think even for one second that anything is coincidence or a mistake- and don’t think that death isn’t more alert than you are…

and most of all please don’t forget me when I’m gone and always remember that my love was true and my pain was wise and my gift was you and you gave me everything I am…

Sharada Devi

12 thoughts on “my gift was you”

  1. Every time, I know- your love, that u mean it- but this time, I’m hung with your locket,
    at my heart. In remembrance
    For the great evil that was upon you, you put a great Love upon me.
    May it pull me down, where your love is first.:
    I saw video of a grand canyon today. All the gaunt ridges bowed to the milky river, leading the way. U told me not to tell you everything

  2. I love you deeply and madly and wildly and your whole blessed pure heart and you are the gift and a huge force of pure joy and radical heart. You crush me with your love and your rainbow body tenderness and I can feel how you brought back the thin veil of radical truth from the other side where death removes obstacles and all masks and illusions and naked truth stands stripped of all projections and misconceptions and your surrender is profound and it breaks my heart into tiny shares of ongoing vast sky of emptiness and yet you are a troubadour of heart break and longing and seeing what things are really about when surrendered resides in every cell and you bring the holy mother light and you seem to put all the fragments back together tempering and pounding the collective heart a new — heating it all up and each moment you go back to truth to righteous training of spiritual integrity to the bigger picture the call that is so deeply needed and you pull the covers which can be so flimsy that most cannot see and you say go beyond bone go to the marrow and go to the charnel grounds and throw your own bones into the fire and you pull that strange sleepy film that no one sees or even feels back a bit more as if to rip the band-aid on a badly skinned knee quickly off and some may say you’re fierce or mean or what may be as s&m but are love and you don’t play a con and your all the way with no return and remind me to breath and you say let the wound heal with the elements my little wet hungry kitten and stop the covering and with honest investigation no attachment no hint of nostalgia burn it all away and rise rise up out of the old ashes that do not serve but are another form of prison and by your brilliant actions that we can too do this and look at the underbelly and our shadow all the warts and secrets that are cast in the dark with the slithering snakes writhing in their puss of their own suffering of forgotten love and you and you and you are the light and you you are the endless gift.

    1. Tara Devi,
      you wild little kitten, are you trying to
      make me love you even more?
      pouncing on the bunny, my baby panther
      in the honey box…
      purr and scratch, the game of love.

  3. Love,

    I was non-stop rubbing my belly reading this, until I started to cry towards the end. I can feel your pain, blended with some of the kindest words anyone has ever shared .. Not that it matters or it should, but it brings me light to know your alive, healing, and thriving. You inspire my to be stronger, keep singing, and help others. Thank you thank you thank you..

    Moonlight of Neverland –
    We’re here to be.
    Nothing to say..
    Crashing into a black heart.
    A love not of this world –
    Only for this world.
    Sequence of death
    Will, today be my last.

    In la kesh

    1. Om Namoh Bhagavati Vasudeva.

      Govinda Hare Gopala Hare
      He Prabhu Dena Dayala Hare

      “I am the servant of the servant of the servant”

      Krishna lives in every broken heart. And I will find you buried in this earth. And I will find you lost up in the sky. And I will
      look for you with every eye…

      Who am I to take this love away? Who am I to be me?

      Forever told that love be true, I am forever lost and found inside of you. Forever told that love be true. I will always live and die for you…

      we break and we complete.
      love sharada devi

  4. 6 month ago I didn’t know who you were. I still don’t know. I was looking for something that was lost, I don’t know if I lost it, or if it just never existed.
    I sat for hours and I wait for something to happen. I sat, looking at the dot. That crazy dot that I told you once. The one that is sitting somewhere in one of those universes just waiting for someone to think about it. I steered at numbers, I steered at people. People started to look different, I started feeling this disconection.
    Why am I feeling this. I’m ok. I mean, stable. Nothing so dramatic. Its just me. Alone.
    I started sitting in the floor meditating without any idea of what I wanted. Without even knowing that I was meditating. Still looking at this crazy 11 showing all over the places. The dot.
    Eyes, people. Eyes, people. Sometimes no eyes, no people. Sometimes eyes and birds, squirrels. Sometimes squirrels have more eyes than people.

    Then, a mantra. Triambakan, Hanuman Chalisa. I listened to it. Govinda jay jay…Sita Ram. Who is this wise crazy old man? Found a website. Who is this woman? What are this writings? Are you talking to me? Is this poetry? Sacret lyrics? Evil manuscrips? I read and read, I look at the videos. Then stop. She was sick. Really? Why? Was it all part of the same plan. That wolf, with golden eyes, that woman who was sold to a man an then killed their parents 7.000 years ago. The witch, the girl walking in the cemetery talking to beings belonging to some where far away, or something so close and so small that nobody on a body like ours can see.

    I want you to recover.

    Well, I read, and I think about you. Even when there is no sound, there is music. Thanks. Be there.

  5. Forest Dakini with haunting eyes,and jet black wings ,
    The influence of your pain is what makes you beautiful,
    By claiming no ownership of it , you turn it into grace,
    Which I’ve felt every time I’ve been in your presence.
    The more you’ve been opened up, the more light that was let in.
    Crying when I read this , smiling while I write this because
    I can hear your laughter ringing through my ears now.
    Thank you for always coming back.
    Your ride anywhere you want to go.

    1. Thank you my beloved angelic butterfly goddess with the lotus eyes- always casting her spells…upon your magic wings I will ride into the silver light…higher and higher into the final storm…
      where the gods throw fire and their voices
      weep your ancient name….
      Om Mani Padme Hum – forever my heaven

  6. Dearest Sharada Devi,
    Divine child of the pure Mother light
    much gratitude to you
    for taking on and honoring the vow
    to be of service to all beings
    in this lifetime
    absorbing the karma of others
    at all costs
    in order to help set them free

    smears of me mingle with the ash
    of sacrificial fire
    my fingertips glide over
    the place of scar
    and sense the essence of your
    enduring nature
    blessed be the one
    who hears their true calling
    and without hesitation
    steps into that surrender
    with grace
    and courage

    πŸ’ πŸ’ πŸ’ πŸ’ πŸ’ 

    I am not attempting to compare myself with you Sharada Devi.
    Not meaning to β€œguru posture” here.
    And you wrote that you β€œ prefer quiet over getting to know you and I prefer a silhouette over the naked truth. a hint over a stated fact.Β 
    So if this is not appropriate, don’t post…
    But would like to share my experience as it might relate to others…
    I have had to undergo three surgeries. So I understand the pain and fear that
    surrounds this. The prelude, the happening and the aftermath.
    I was bleeding constantly for 1 year. It left me frail, fainting and anaemic. Unable to work,
    my doctor insisted that I take 2 months leave. She was so concerned that when I missed an appointment for lab work, that she sent the police to my home to check on me.
    My place of employment was not pleased with my long absence. So I went back to work after 6 weeks. The SEVA Foundation may be of service to peoples around the world. But when their own employee was in need, they were oblivious…
    I continued to bleed and faint and live in a light-headed stupor.
    I was bleeding to death.
    Eventually there was no choice and had surgery to remove the fibroid tumors that had taken over my uterus.
    Opting for individual removal over hysterectomy. Being sentimental over losing my womb.
    I was numb and could not sit up by myself for a weeks. Had a 7 inch incision wound that the Dr had humorously cut into a happy face shape. ( This procedure has improved light years these days ).
    Eventually the tumors grew back and a second slicing into the original scar was inevitable. This time
    it was for keeps.
    The reason I am sharing this is because I have come to understand that these tumors manifest due to blockage and stagnation of the energy of the second chakra. And are associated with unhealthy relationship conflicts and issues.
    So not only is the aspect of a bad relationship an emotional or mental struggle. But it is actually physically toxic and can lead to truly life threatening complications.
    And I share this because there are women out there who might be reading this who can see themselves in this situation. And act on it before this lifetime passes you by. Staying stuck making yourself sick in a myriad of ways.
    Be strong spiritual warrioress sisters! Be Durga and ride the tiger. Cleave through your impediments with discernment and clarity.
    Sri Radhe
    πŸ’š πŸ•‰ πŸ’š

    1. Thank you mother Devi,
      That was not what my surgery was for -but I think it’s useful information…❀️

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *