I haven’t had much to say. It doesn’t matter anyway. I’ve been alone. I boil herbs, I stare at all my twisting shadows on the wall. Waiting for someone to make their last move. No one does. It’s a game, a conjuring of another dimension. No one wins this way. Sometimes a hole opens and I see, through this reality. Into a world that knows me, differently. With other faces, familiar voices. Memories of the ones I’ve held. Near to me, inside of me. All alone. I have nothing but my laser eyes and this useless wall of shadow- where all my secrets watch me “trying” -twisting into nothing but noise…that’s how this all started. Bhagavan Das went on a two week meditation retreat and when he left he said, “Pretend I’m dead.” He was serious. And so I did. Things didn’t go well at first, then I heard one of his songs…listening as if he were dead-bad idea. Bad, unbearable idea- holding onto this fantasy of fate. He’s going to die. Me too. Who first? Where will I take it? Memory hell perhaps? How will I move beyond this torture of the clinging needy pain seeking shadow, twisting perpetually into me-without any purpose that moves from the suffocating walls that enclose me? Mostly, I am not unaware, thank the god’s that war and sing within me… this is an issue of sentimentality, how to come to terms with attachment. Awareness and equanimity. That’s what he came back saying and I knew. I’ve been saying all week, for more reasons than one. It’s a physical thing. Precision is human perfection, not the other way around. People mostly don’t understand what this transformation is all about. They want to come around, profess all kinds of loves, devote their lives entirely to the cause. The cause of becoming the one who is one. But in no time at all the underlying sabotaging unconscious motivation is revealed that really they just want to either- be me, be BD, have an orgy, be granted power- that’s it. And it’s quite tragic, yet the facts remain. Self sabotage is always present until the presence is present instead. The Being. I ask, could I be that Being? The gods are smaller than your potential. They live, love, war inside the Being. The Being. Human being- being of light. The mother who cares beyond her own body, Mother Light is the Being. Neither male or female, neither religion or philosophy, beyond our choices of who God is, beyond beliefs of their being a choice that fragments that being- whether we call this the great vessel of light- Avalokateshvara, God, Neem Karoli Baba-whoever- it’s all the same essence. We play with the gods inside, circulate their essential elemental proclivities- and churn these forces for and against each other until we reach the peace that surpasses all conflict. Until we become the Being. Human body, being of light.
The true living Mother, beyond man or woman. Guru, God, Creator. The one and only reachable relief from the striving within the realm of choices, mistakes, decisions, alliances- it’s just how it becomes- what it ultimately is, is that we, above and beyond it all. Are this Being. And no name is needed. However, we chant the names given by the embodied who have received the divine code- to encode our sound stream in alignment with the way the energy flows- the energy of sound- the current that begins and ends the war. The sexual equation of enlightenment. Kundalini shakti, the rainbow ribboned serpent, the victorious one rides into true Being, this godhood, the one creative two headed serpent that rides only one wave, the Mother Light wave of sound body, Being God, the one that won the war of all wars, the merging of dusk and dawn. This is the way it is. It’s a physical thing and it absolutely can and will be accomplished. ALL steps, meaning every thought and word; every dim lit action, lead to Her. All phenomena is made of the warring gods, it’s only a matter of clarity and precision- how well we understand the game and why we’re here to ride the snake of man into the rainbow of the serpent Being- We call it the one true God, but it’s the other way. The One true God, bows to the Being who understood the wrath and did something peaceful in a state of violence. It’s called self liberation, very simple once the absolute decision has been made. We continue and we never look back or even sideways, only forward at the flame of the Eye, Her Eye that watches and mimics, Her Eye that is the sight the Being sees through to beyond space and time. This is the Bodhisattva I am describing. It will not happen overnight, over time. It only happens in the gap, and I can tell you why and how. Because She cares, and that’s all you need to know. The matter is what you actually do, what attachments you let Her rip from you, determine the new self you create. You don’t allow the new space, you get nothing. No Being, only the same face of the lesser you. I cannot surrender to the lesser in anybody or any pursuit. I do my best to create this everywhere I look, her most sublime and perfected form. It’s about vision and potential. Individual uniqueness becoming the personality’s specified dharma. And we do this, against all seeming odds. We start that fire. We’re doing it here now, everyday….I will help anybody that helps themselves. I will do anything for you in the name of the great white snake. I will move anything for Her cause by pulling it toward me or pushing it away from me. Magnetism is the power created by the perfection of friction. It goes both ways. Let’s rub ourselves raw in the sound of the name. True essence, our Being. God embodied as sound. Let’s not get confused by echoes or afraid of deep rumbling. To adjust to the discomfort of transformation, to embody awareness and equanimity- just remember my only message written in a million ways- MORE PAIN MORE GAIN. Rub, rub, RUB your duality together. Tapas burns the disease of smallness away until you rest in the cool flames, aware of one. Untouched and humming the Being of Her light into the disappearance of perfect union for the benefit of all sentient beings. As sound we enter and depart. That is the path. The resonance of Being in between.

Sharada Devi


6 thoughts on “MORE PAIN MORE GAIN”

  1. You who burns
    Till it is done and all ash
    Take this small heart
    smite it
    To millions of pierced
    Shattered pieces
    And cast to wild winds
    That chant Your holy name
    Into infinity 🌈❤️

  2. Attachment. I have NO idea how to let go. I keep taking steps in releasing things…brought two huge bags to Goodwill last week. I have been the master accumulator of stuff. I love deals…free stuff…bargains. I know that ALL of it has been to DISTRACT myself from that which really matters. Sometimes I think if I lost everything in a fire, that would be a real quick way of learning how to let go of things.

    I committed to God on the last Shasta retreat by marrying myself in front of everyone. Before I did this, I talked to Dahveed about how much I was feeling. I was not sure how I was going to really stay on the spiritual path….he said to take baby steps. That’s all I can do. I am usually good at looking at the “big picture” and planning how to get somewhere, but this time….I am stumped. I have to go on faith alone. I am pretty strong and smart, but this takes more than just brains, or physical strength. It’s about DEVOTION. It’s my heart and soul. So…upon waking (since the retreat) say “Good morning, thank you for waking me.” Meditation, chanting and praying after making my coffee. I fight with myself NOT to check my msgs first. Not always successful. When I do meditate, thoughts are constantly creeping in…I have been meditating for more than ten years and have not mastered stopping the thoughts. Focusing on the breath is wonderful, but that does not last either. I spend an hour in the morning, chanting and meditating. Not much, I know, but I don’t want to fizzle out. I want to learn to practice in small doses, so I don’t get burned out and lose faith. I want to be mindful. I dive into things and love them, but then leave them….get very excited and shoot off like a rocket on the fourth of July…..but the fireworks die and burn out….I don’t want to lose this. I want to do it “right.” I know, there is attachment in that statement, too.

    What it REALLY is, is not forgetting. Remember…..remember the breath…remember the light….remember…to remember…OM MANI PADME HUM. Just remember and do the best I can, in each moment.

    When I was little, I had a book that was Bible Stories for children, Bhagavandas looks like God above the clouds in one of the illustrations in that book. Sharadadevi, you look like a mother angel…Mother Mary a golden heart in your hands. It think that is part of what attracts me to you two. And then there are your voices…OMG. I am attached to you two and I never want to lose either of you. The two of you together …the way you weave your messages, all with compassion and kindness…. How can we NOT love you? How can we NOT be attached and attracted to YOU, both? You two help guide us to the inner realms….to those deep dark spaces that we like to shove away and keep in hiding….you keep telling us to go further, deeper…keep going. Keep going until we see our own death….in the light, right? Do we ever get to the bottom? I don’t want to idolize you two, but I see how I do a bit…maybe more than a bit. It’s good that I see it, so I know, and that I am not blind. I have PERSPECTIVE. Really, I do. ( I don’t know why I am laughing).

    While I was at Mercey Hot Springs this week, John’s mother came to me in a dream. She left her body in 2012. John had moved in and took care of her for a few years before her passing. He said that she had ALWAYS carried her rosary beads, and she went to mass every day. We used to make fun of the whole Catholic “thing.” In my dream, She saw Me. SHE knew the way, her eyes conveyed to me that her passing was very peaceful. I said “John, your mom had it right.” Not about “Catholisism” but I know, without a doubt, that she had a deep and personal relationship. She never spoke of it…she just practiced it….

    Lord, Buddha, Ram, Ma….Prepare me to be a sanctuary….pure and holy….tried and true. And, with thanksgiving, to be a living sanctuary, for You.

    Thanks for another great blog post.

    1. Well, the thing about baby steps is that they are for babies. You do what you can-as close to a hero as you can be. And I mean that actions are accumulative- you get out what you put in and those efforts, however you judge them have long term results. It’s just about watering these Guru seeds that are in you. You think too much because of fear – fear -because you are wise enough to know how inertia quickly grows when the wrong seeds are watered which happens very fast and very easily. You are devoted to our devotion- this is not a bad attachment but necessary for your supported growth- and that’s why association and circumstances of environment are key elements to your watering the right seed. We all have choices- and those choices support our deepest priorities- it’s impossible to mingle in worldly pursuits and make the progress that truly shows. You’re doing the right thing- and striving and are wise. Don’t think, just do. One hour becomes two and the momentum increases- keep up the devotion. Do what you need to do. Satsang is super needed. As an example, Garuda is here- and he is going through hell, self inflicted transformational tapas hell- and he will be reborn- he can’t do it alone, no one can. I police him- I don’t let him get soft on himself- licking wounds, laziness, self doubt etc- he is strong and wise because he made the priority choice to leave a career –
      his entire life of consumerism and grid mentality and come here and focus on devotion transformation and selfless service for the benefit of all sentient beings. It’s not easy but it’s happening and he grows brighter and more saintly beautiful by his relentless efforts, humility, positive attitude and devotion daily- without this, it would not be possible for him to achieve this kind of visibly profound transformation. The kind that makes a difference in this world and lifts the darkness from others just by his being….
      -so it’s all about satsang and the presence of a teacher/mentor/guru/spiritual guide- call it whatever you want- it is what it is- which is a divine equation-an alchemical necessity- it’s about the kundalini shakti and what she wants from us- surrender and commitment- And so you see we must always stay alert to self sabotage- it’s extremely treacherous conditions we are living in- so more than ever, awareness and equanimity are essential – and are cultivated thru meditation -remember when struggling – just breath, let go, let god. Devotion will give you the power of Hanuman. The greatest Bhakti yogi of all.

      Devotion, that’s what you have for us. And that is everything you need to free your heart from any and all distractions.
      You’re going to make it! Shine on Moon Mother!🌙❤️🌙 🦋🦋🦋

      1. Thank you for such clarity. Yes, it’s your devotion that is so attractive. I feel it so deeply. It is so utterly sweet.

        Satsang, yes. I am in a great spot here in Santa Cruz, many choices. I am so close to Mount Madonna and there is a weekly satsang with Baba Hari Das at a local center. Also, I connected with Parmahansa Yogananda devotee, they also meet weekly. I also have two very close friends who are very devoted to God (you know, one, Padme Devi).

        However, I find myself alone a lot, clearing my spaces, slowly, and singing mantras all the while. Being alone gives me the strength to deal with the world “out there” when I do get out (other than my sweet dog walking and daily pet jobs).

        Daily, I pray for the strength to let go. Isn’t that funny? Letting go seems like it should be SO easy. I mean “letting go” is releasing the grasping….so why do I need strength? I know, because the tug of the ego senses and world’s tastiness is SO tempting and I have been so used to it all.

        Okay enough already….signing off with love and devotion….
        Big hugs to you two and to Garuda….I saw a beautiful transformation that last time he got before the microphone….it was one of the most beautiful things to witness!!!
        Love, ChandraMa

        Breathe, let go, let god….

        1. Yes, sounds like you’re shining full of mother moonlight! 🌙 Baba Hari Das isn’t really
          who he used to be considering his mind. BD and he were very close in India. Baba Hari Das doesn’t even recognize BD- we visited a few years ago, his mind is gone. Best to find a sharp teacher, since it’s who you are. Sharp LOVE like Ram’s arrow!
          Hari Om❤️

          1. I was at an artist’s studio a couple of weeks ago. The artist’s guru is Baba Hari Das. I told him about my retreats with you and BD. He said “OH…BD saved BHD back in India when he was very sick…” This man said BHD shared many stories about his times with BD. By the way, the artist’s partner owns a yoga sanctuary in Antigua…so might stay there on the way back after the retreat….how cool is THAT?

            I think the Parmahansa group might be a good fit….they are VERY sharp…..

            Hey…my earth name is Mar .. spelled backwards is Ram! RAM RAM RAM RAM RAM……
            Hari Om <3

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