Monolithic Me

I really mean it when I say, This isn’t about you and it never was.

My eyes are dark and hollow sockets in a dry and useless head. My pale, thin body carries me scraping the floors, day after day, night after night, mile after mile, loop after loop, through the grim hospital corridors.

I don’t want to talk about death and dying.
I want to talk about now and what you’ve got for me.

And thank you in advance for what I’m soon to take. And It won’t be romantic.

I’ve been praying trying to get over myself for over a week now in the hospital. Still the same prayers walking through the halls. Still the same thirsty and frail, monolithic me just making it through one more night in this sticky, hungry hell. The howling and moaning jackals watching and waiting for the curled up sick people with glowing tv’s and endless bloodstained tubes in their bodies. Every rooms a different flavored party for the night eaters.

Don’t be scared. It’s just us, with our sanctioned beginnings and endings and with no memory left at all. It’s a scary date night but don’t worry, we can offer some relief, there’s a new killer, better than the last in every drawer.

The truth is there is no relief with no memory.

We don’t remember that we’ve been here before in these corridors. And we’re not waiting for anything, we’re in it now. Nobody else is coming to fix the machine that keeps beeping. Your veins are bruised blue and dried up, the blood is gone, all sucked up for tests. The tests they do when you’re not looking.

Open your eyes and stop wandering down these hospital halls praying for someone else. Surrender. Fall to your bony knees and beg and grovel. Surrender to what is to come. So that Β when the big hand strikes, you’ll come through with some common sense and decency. That’s all.

Because the bullet doesn’t stray. She doesn’t get it wrong. Yes it’s fair. You deserve what happens to you and so if I were you I would think again before you push delete or redo. Because it’s been done, you’ve been shuffled. She knows the card you will pick well in advance.
We didn’t come here to be beautiful light beings who pray for others. That attitude will get us sacked the hard way. We came here to BE others. To be in their shoes. To stop thinking they need our holy prayers as if we’re somebody- no- we came here to BE with them.

We are here to BE WITH OTHERS. In the same way that you sit near a large old tree for shade but the tree doesn’t know or care that you do. The tree isn’t thinking “I’m shading and comforting you” The tree is here with you. Truly here with you and giving effortlessly and spontaneously and honestly.

I do not think we can say the same.

A lot of layers are being stripped and we are in this bardo of intense suffering and we must pray and we must give. But until we have any idea of what that means I’m afraid the horse and pony show continues. Yes, I see what an elitist I am for no reason at all. Someone so special with nothing left to give. Two skinny wobbling legs shuffling through the wasted space of hurting lives- looking, appealing to the wreckage. But no one sees and no one saves. Don’t you get it?

And what’s been the point of it all? This life of leisure and complaining and justification? What’s the point of it dear friend? There isn’t one. We’re wasting time. We are selfish lost fools prancing around finding reasons to matter when in fact we do not.

Everyone has been so kind to me and the human heart is astounding. I’m saying that what lies beyond that simple gesture of truth is absolute nonsense -it’s just us doing whatever we can, as fast as we can do it -to wear our battery down. To come back and do it again, suffer suffer suffer die die die eat eat eat fuck fuck fuck complain complain complain lazy excuses lazy excuses lazy excuses DIE AGAIN. PERIOD.
Recycle. NEXT!

I have no advice for you. I feel love for you. I have no reason to feel love for you other than you are not apart from me and there is no me.
It’s a long walk down the wedding aisle. Have you even seen Her face? I doubt it. It’s a long night of moaning and groaning until the morning.

My throat is dry. My body is just floating. And I didn’t think of all the names of God when the lights were flashing in my eyes. I thought of us
and I remembered what we’d done and what we’d been through. I thought that we came here born in this heavy hell realm and we came with a heart that could be gold somehow.

I knew that the heroic willingness to do this, to be here suffering, praying in the hospital halls-
as off kilter as we have become -is the most sacred and divine offering of pure warmth.

It’s just the candle burning on both ends my sweetheart.

In our lives, to be so pathetic, so uselessly small and insignificant, and to struggle as we do and to survive covered- hiding these old scars -while protecting the freshly wounded parts- bound in painful memories while thrashed against these jarring truths- makes us kind of exquisite in our own self destructive madness.

What brought us back here, I don’t know. What keeps us going, it’s hard to say. What makes us keep burning for no reason at all other than to shine a dim light in a dark dark place. I don’t know. It’s Her plan. It’s Her Braveheart.
Warm and ready for action.

It’s the mercy of a great God and we should really get out of Her way. That’s what I’m noticing. She’s got more to say than we do. She needs bodies and these need to be strong bodies. Those who can stand the rupturing torments of in between and what it means to move between the three worlds.

Where we are now, where we were born and where will die. We are threading others through Her web for no other reason it seems -other than-it’s worth a try.

Because nobody knows how this human experiment will turn out- but She seems like a perfectionist to me and the training ground is vast- and She’ll do almost anything to make you a worthy vessel of Her display.

There isn’t another time to know Her. The time is now and believe me, she’s got Her list of names
and you are on it.

Gut wrenching. Heart clenching. Get it while you can. I’m still here. I’ll never leave you.

Sharada Devi

23 thoughts on “Monolithic Me”

  1. Amazing. Healing thoughts to you Sharada. Thank you for taking the time to write & share this.
    Loving this latest entry.
    This material life is but a blink, yet when we are a part of the soft, dull, dream…it seems so monotonous and the clock ticks slowly.
    But we know the deal.
    Starting to awaken to all of the things I have forsaken.
    Love to you…
    Love to Baba Bhagavan Das

    1. Hi Shankara,
      That’s not really what I was trying to say.
      This dream isn’t soft or dull unless you’re
      sleeping, denying or ignoring – and then it’s only a matter of time until She slaps your face. Really hard -to spread some light. You can’t have it all and you can’t control anything – so beware.
      Time moves very fast.
      I don’t know “the deal” do you?

  2. i never thought that anything was ever so much about me.
    Not until you made me feel that i had to be more forcefully stronger than i expected to be.
    i was and am content to be the faithful servant.
    Always have been. For most everyone placed in my life.
    It is a reason to be.
    With a strength of purity and contentment.
    surrendering daily and being that which destiny unfolds before me.
    Not abused. Not weak.

    i have an older brother. He was once bright and beautiful
    The finest thing he ever told me was to just Be.
    As years progressed, He fell into a place of what was once upon a time
    called madness.
    i tried to take care of him. But now he is locked up and alone with his Buddha nature
    He is still bright and beautiful in the perfection of what is.
    He will no longer let me see him.
    My precious, beautiful Granddaughter was born with cancer.
    And by the grace of God / benevolence She is now 3 years old and so fully alive
    The embodiment of pure love and light filling everyone she meets
    with a renewed sense of the wonder to JUST BE ALIVE.
    Life can be a harsh reality and a realm of uncertainty with many misconceptions.
    What else can we do but try to find the truth and goodness in all circumstances.
    Making the best out of every situation.
    Still and enduring
    even though the understanding is sometimes incomprehensible.
    Remaining resolute and unwavering and accepting of these things that are out of our ability to fathom or control.
    In perpetual awareness that i seem to have so little impact
    other than to just continue to give and serve and just be.
    Waiting as each day comes and goes
    with no apparent revelation or hint of knowing anything more than i did the day before
    other than
    what is my life but to love
    How do i take the I and the Me out of the equation
    Simply be the one who inhabits this form
    being in the moment exclusively
    without attachment
    Striving always for that attempt at perfection
    to be there for those who look to me for love, comfort and support.
    Doing the best i can with what has been my due in this lifetime.
    Knowing that there is God and the Divine Mother holding this child of light
    in their Holy embrace now and eternally
    so that i can try to live in the now without fear.

    Dearest Sharada,
    If i were able to be there with you now dear daughter of light
    i would sit with you in silence and in love and offer you whatever
    you are willing to take from me.
    All that is real that this being has to give is yours.

    Love,
    Sri Radhe

  3. maybe this is not really at all what should have been said or written.
    it just happened to pour out…
    prompted by certain words that you wrote.
    The sincerity and love is true though.
    Your eloquence in the midst of this ordeal
    blows me away and at the same time causes me to ache
    so for what you have had to endure.
    Guess i am just stumbling to say the right thing
    Relieved to hear from you again…

    1. second guessing oneself is a waste of time-
      no such thing as “what I should have said”
      too many obstacles to freedom- that’s just one more mind trap to keep you self doubting
      and in fear- therefore controllable.
      Just do and just be.

      1. Yes, i should have” thought again before i pressed redo”
        Instinct is true.
        Was hearing that you sound so raw and starkly real.
        Depressed. And felt hesitant to express that.
        The hospital surroundings are intensifying your feelings.
        Your words imply a hopelessness that is troubling.
        With your level of sensitivity to all things,
        How much longer must you be confined to this place?
        Are you allowed to see the sky or only trapped within
        to ponder the days and nights away.

        There has been a healing that has come from all this.
        When you posted BRAVEHEART, i read it aloud to my husband.
        As well as the messages i sent to you. And he began to see just how much
        your friendship and love mean to me. He has watched as i prepared a healing altar
        and held vigil with prayer and singing the Blue Medicine Buddha mantra and Hanuman Chalisa.
        He picked roses for you.
        Seeing that this love that binds is true.
        He began to soften. And become so much
        more considerate and caring. Tender hearted and loving towards me.
        It is because of you. Like a transmission from afar.

        He wants me to tell you the following- ( which he wrote out on paper )
        ” Sharada Devi is a heaven sent Bhodisattva who is extremely precious
        to beings on this earthly loka.
        She is ultra-sensitive to other humanoids’ suffering and is obviously an empath.
        She should probably be separated spatially from others who are ill because she is receiving
        their energies and needs to heal apart from psychic and auric mind and body waves sent out by others.
        She needs the love of the universe and a place of peaceful vibrations to let her be calm.
        And for once care more about herself, her health, her life.”
        Love, Kurt

        1. “Raw and starkly real” isn’t depressed.
          “A troubling hopelessness” is the space
          that holds the grand view.
          I’m thankful to be pushed into the corner
          so that I can get real before it’s too late.

          So if you’re always looking for upliftment
          you’ll get it, even from me, depending on your view.

          1. No, they are not the same.
            agreed.
            no depression –
            good.
            Trying to interpret with a clearer understanding of
            all that is happening with you
            because i care,
            so much…
            it’s just the way it is with me
            too sensitive.
            always wanting honesty at all costs.
            i will look for upliftment in it all.
            With a view of optimism
            And smile because you are thankful.
            so i will be thankful too.
            ❀️

          2. Oh I’m honest at all costs.
            And i can take whatever comes my way
            and make use of it for the benefit of
            all sentient beings.
            It’s hopeless here you know. I hope you
            see that – and yet we strive.
            That’s the vow.

        2. Also, your husband is right and I’ve been in the room with two very disturbed (mentally) and physically sick people. I have my own room finally and it’s better but rest assured I’m not depressed or hopeless.
          The truth is the truth and Kali and Krishna
          aren’t the same. You need to get through her first to ever truly know his love.
          Thank you husband what a sweet message!

          1. My husband has been a caregiver as his livelihood for many years and is very much in tune with how healing is affected by surroundings especially in hospitals.
            It makes me cringe to think of you having to spend time in that space.
            What a relief to know that you have been removed from the room where you had been.
            And that you are now in a better setting.
            Good!!!
            And no depression or hopelessness!
            So good to hear!
            Thank you for telling me that.

            Yes, truth is truth
            understood.
            And Kali and Krishna are not the same.
            i have known by direct experience what Kali takes one through to
            fully know the sweet love of Krishna.

            i will relay your thanks to my husband.
            ❀️

        3. Dear Kurt,
          I appreciate your clarity and insight.
          Your eloquent words are taken to heart.
          It’s been challenging and I finally got my
          own room. I am doing my best to heal asap
          and got off the tubes so I can leave this hospital because you are right people do effect me to an extreme degree. Even from a distance. So thank you again and much love to you🌹
          Sharada Devi

          1. That’s sweet.
            A flower grows in my heart.
            I was only reminding you of what you already knew.
            Glad that you finally have your own room.
            Happy that you are doing / feeling better.
            Love and peace,
            Kurt

          2. That’s sweet.
            A flower grows in my heart.
            I was only reminding you of what you already knew.
            Glad that you finally have your own room.
            Happy that you are doing / feeling better.
            Love and peace,
            Kurt

          3. πŸŒΉπŸŒΉπŸŒΉπŸŒΉπŸŒΉβ˜€οΈβ˜€οΈβ˜€οΈβ˜€οΈβ˜€οΈ i remember❀️

          4. A RAINBOW RAINING OM MANI PADME HUM SENT FROM NICO:
            DearSharada,
            Humble pranams.Sitting here by the creek in the Mountains feeling the prayers left here by the Native Indians.Praying you are healing-evolving.Since this all began,I think of your Spirit often,and I feel your Soul deeply.Your smile so Real and True-I pray-visualize The Buddhas Powerful Healing Rainbow light Rays bring your earthly body into balance. I feel an old Bodhisattva Spirit connection to you two that goes back many many Moons & I Love you!!!

            Your Love & Devotion move mountains and makes the Angels cry

            All My Love,
            Nico

  4. Dear dear dear beloved Sharada Devi:

    You are radiant and you shine and burn Holy and you remind us to rise out of the ashes of transmutation, dust ourselves off, be a strong agent and a living temple marching in the light of the Wisdom Mother Light. Hallelujah Sharada Devi, dharma protector, eternally brandishing the diamond sword of infinite truth, thank you thank you eternally. Om Mani Padma Hum❀️

    Love love love and eternally yours,

    Tara Devi

    1. Dear Tara Devi,
      You make it sound like fun.
      Therefore me and all the other hungry ghosts
      wish you were here β˜€οΈ passing out the sunshine food and water. Much love🌹

  5. Death has always followed me like
    the night chases the day
    Written in the stars
    The lights of our history and future

    Let go

    Its all in your heart
    Everything is in your heart
    Prayer wheel transistors
    We are ALL one

    Help us see
    Rays of moon light
    Harvesting our love
    Revealing the truth

    The day devours the night
    Written in the stars
    Seeking the seer
    Fire and dust

    Destiny.

    Beloved sister,
    It fills my heart to know your successfully healing. Thank you for sharing EVERYTHING and being our night light.. Rest rest rest.
    All my love
    Om mani padme hum πŸ“Ώ

    1. Dear Paul,
      Thank you once again for your divine words of love! I love you!
      My nurses name is Paul and aren’t you a nurse?
      He’s about your age and he’s so wonderful, best nurse ever – and I thought of you!

      1. From sweet Paul who just sent this to me
        because he’s so positive and so giving and
        Uplifts the world around him

        FROM PAUL:
        Greetings and love

        I think I’ve said this alreadyΒΏ but If there’s anything I can do please let me know. I love you both very much. The hospital is blessed to have you there. There’s a light in helplessness: that is the great teacher. You’ll never stop learning from these events, but you know that already, and nothing really matters. Sleep sister sleep.

        I had no idea this was the holy land
        The show must go on
        With or without us
        Tomorrow is inevitable
        Love today
        Love now
        Sleep and find her
        Her the healer
        Divide and unite light and sound
        Time never wasted
        Pulling blinds
        New moon
        Old blood
        Burning
        Full moon
        Destroyer
        Truth
        Peeling back the layers
        New life

        🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
        πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯
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        πŸ“ΏπŸ“ΏπŸ“ΏπŸ“ΏπŸ“ΏπŸ“ΏπŸ“ΏπŸ“ΏπŸ“ΏπŸ“ΏπŸ“ΏπŸ“ΏπŸ“Ώ
        πŸŒžπŸŒ•πŸŒžπŸŒ•πŸŒžπŸŒ•πŸŒžπŸŒ•πŸŒžπŸŒ•πŸŒžπŸŒ•πŸŒž

        I just left the hospital where my close friend/bandmate Luke had a daughter Evelyn today, mothers name is summer. You inspired me to go be with them and I’m sure it brought great joy to them.. either way.. Being in the presence of a human birth again was ever inspiring.. They laughed at my prostrations! I laughed with them. The moon is perfect tonight. I know we’re all getting stronger – for what I don’t know – but the preparations are being made. The constant exposure makes it obvious. I love you sister very much please let me know if we can do anything. I pray for you and baba and everyone and baby Evelyn and the goddess gretchen and Kumari Talia and I pray for the world and I pray pray pray.. And I spin the wheel… And I fast.. And Blah blah blah.

        Love you and thinking about you cats.

        Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha

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