mommy for the dying world

I wasn’t really thinking when I started building castles in the sand. I wasn’t really thinking of how tired I would get. I grew up on the beach in California. I knew everything about how the waves and the sand and the sea work- is that nothing actually ever happens and we go in and we go out until we get worn out and stop to rest awhile.

The magnets of the moon and sea compelled to work together to bring us ultimately to this point of absolute uselessness. And I’d climb the sand dunes and play in the water but I was never one to go out too far or too deep. I’m not stupid. I know who’s waiting for me.

And we lived right across the street and the beach was often empty. Just me and my quest to become something more than who stood there then, who stands here now.

And I couldn’t control a single thing that happened to me and the waves never stopped-
in and out, in and out- I could hear them from my room and I’d listen to Asleep by The Smiths because I wanted to know, I really did…

“there is another world, there is a better world….
well there must be, well there must be…”

and I’d count the days until I was 18 and I could leave. It certainly wasn’t enough for me to be just another pebble washed up on the shore.

I had bigger aspirations and these people saw me and wanted me to be a fashion model and then I’d have to leave to a big city and maybe even take pictures with older men or
something seductive and since my parents owned me that wasn’t going to happen- and maybe then I’d be somebody that nobody would ever forget. More beautiful than anything I could create in the mirror.

And the dreams came in -and the dreams went out -and the waves crashed -and the moon waxed and wained.

I was definitely not hanging around this pointless town of surfers and hippy has-beens and guys who love reggae.

My mother’s friends would come over and pay me to make them beautiful and I was only 15-
I would do their hair and makeup so they looked effortlessly dynamic and free- I’m really good at making the outside count.

I had a lot to learn about beauty and running away from the sea.

Eucalyptus trees and coyotes and only one hill away from my own private beach with hundreds of seals laying in the sun- that’s where I lived 3 years later when I got married-

He was ten years older than me- I always preferred older men, men my own age always just seem like my little brother- but age isn’t the issue- it’s really all about the magic mommy living in their hearts and how she spins them towards me.

And i always do it, become mommy for the dying world that is. I just sit and start building castles in the sand with you. Didn’t we learn our lesson that God, in fact, isn’t a frog? I’m still trying to figure this one out.

But my first husband was insane and friendly and larger than life- always singing and wanting attention- (exact opposite of me)
and that lasted for awhile. He thought he could manipulate me and told me I had no personality. He sure was wrong- little did he know She was just waiting in the back seat and letting him drive for awhile…

It’s my experience that men are naive, easily seduced by helplessness, easily reduced by independence and easily angered by challenge.

I learned to wrap them around my finger by around age 12.

So technically, these are the things that matter-

building castle after castle until you learn that the tide comes in and you were too close to the
water- and after you learn that, you learn that you still need to do it anyway – so get used to never having a thing but the memory of what you had in mind- until- that too, inevitably washes away-

And you learn how to master the opposite sex in the best way that you can because their survival truly does depend on you.

And you learn how to create beauty in all the wrong places at first- and you’re wasting time- because everyone gets old and makeup doesn’t change a thing – and love is in your eyes-and if that doesn’t get you laid, look somewhere else- because he’s bound to cause you pain and heartache -because he’s a boy and still pissing on trees that look like they’re bearing fresh fruit.

It’s all about territory and ownership so don’t you forget that- and “love” is a great idea to mask what we’ve done to ourselves.

I guess we joined and we played along because we maybe got tired of being on the beach alone listening to “Asleep”….

“don’t feel bad for me…I want you to know…deep in the cell of my heart…I really want to go..”

and we maybe got tired of talking and thinking and obsessing over ourselves- writing blogs about ourselves and our take on it all- and we maybe got tired of saying thank you and I’m sorry all the time -and we maybe got tired of faking orgasms. and we maybe got tired of shaving our legs. And we maybe got tired of worrying about money. And we maybe got tired of even getting tired….

and that’s where I’m at now, still on the beach,
the song is still playing – but I hear it differently for sure…

So cheer up!

because we’re here getting washed away.
because I love you as you come and go.

because nothing lasts forever,

except of course,
my heart and yours.

Sharada Devi

11 thoughts on “mommy for the dying world”

  1. Ocean mama, we all know she is god and the Sun is her lover. long time ago when i walked on the beach with my dog I remembered you. I knew you were out there in the deep dark blue of it all.

    “Tonight I will find you.”

    so I swam out far away from the shore until my dog mimi was just a little speck on the beach. I was in the power and the bliss of her death. I did the butterfly stroke and every breath was her love for me. It’s just the two of us, you and me mom.

    The deep dark waters of oblivion and the night sky with silver moon falling on the horizon. Will you be in my window? Can I look in your eyes and see me looking back?

    She is just playing hide and seek. The waves of bliss keep rolling and men keep falling under her spell, they think it’s just over there somewhere. But it’s really just here now– and like swimming in the dark deep ocean we move– pushing forward– until we catch the rip tide that takes us out to sea and we drown. bhagavan das

  2. Beautiful Dakini dancing on the beach by the blush of the Midsummer Moon…
    I always wondered how you dealt with being everyone’s Dark Mommy.
    But now , I see that you are the Universe, and you absorb it all in , Darkness into Darkness , and let it right back out, but transformed into the Light , that carries the Love of the Mother.

    I wrote this two days ago…..

    So tired of thinking, When does it end?
    Why do I have to think for so many,
    What makes me that special?
    Who will ever think for me, I wonder…
    Not that it’s needed, just curious.
    So many times a day, I say …
    I just want to go home and lay down.
    In that place where there are no thoughts,
    Only warm moss to lie upon,
    And gentle beams of light
    Filtering down through the old oak trees.
    An oasis of blissfullness,
    Washing away the homesickness,
    Where I can rest and be free.

    Seeing it all in a better light now…
    Love, Elle

    1. you’re like one of those butterflies that
      hardly anyone ever sees- but legends are written about her dream-fulfilling powers-
      and for just a moment in just that month
      when the sun strikes the moon and the twilight sky shivers-

      there She is waiting for you
      Elle, The Butterfly Goddess.

      and she says,
      “Where can I take you? Get on me and
      be free. I’m the magic butterfly from
      the bottom of the crystal sea…”

      I love you Elle,
      forever my ride to the gasp just before heaven comes and fills us…

  3. I am having so much trouble with this post and for the “life of me ” i do not know why?
    not the content
    just how I might say
    what it is I WANT to say…
    so why say anything?
    I don’t know.
    but all day
    i have felt compelled
    to say something
    don’t ask me why.

    may be it is too close to home
    but it i isn’t
    and then again
    it is.
    Honesty wise anyway
    I have a lot to say
    but
    cannot make it come out
    just yet…
    somehow
    am blocked
    and I don’t know why?

    there is such a dissimilarity
    and still such a similarity.

    I can only WISH that i had the opportunity to be across
    the street from the dunes
    of the beach
    oh, how magical that would have been for me
    rather than to be so land locked within the streets and pavement of
    the city of the Angeles…
    My unbounded freedom of roaming the city streets of LA
    at the age of 5
    was a strange and mysterious venture out into the spacious unknown
    of strangers and whatever secrets lay hidden behind their artistically crafted front doors
    to which I was allowed entrance

    No one seemed to care
    where I spent the time between morning and when
    supper was served
    with or without Father present.

    What a glorious freedom to have ventured to the dunes and the sands of tide and sea
    it would have been
    for me
    we all seem to have our own vortex
    of freedom
    release and escape
    ventures and bondage
    spaces of timing and
    release
    that are presented to us
    as God allows
    and predicts
    according to that spacial perk
    that is our karmic due.

    But as I have found in how things are
    and what we might like them to have been
    well, the disparity is deep and wide

    and NEVER as we might envision it to be
    and such is the discrepancy
    of all things
    illusional

    Some times or
    maybe always
    I think that it is not that I am afraid to die
    or unwilling

    Just not fully unprepared.

    1. we’re all afraid because it’s then that we face what we couldn’t or wouldn’t while still in the body- and then it gets surreal in the bardo with the demons and ghouls of our own mental constructs- torturing us there because we wouldn’t listen or change here-now- and even then it’s a dream…
      and you should be prepared to die at any moment by welcoming the process in every
      day life and cutting through the bs that you try (and we all do it) to cover up in fancy words and mantras. It’s a trap.
      Break out of the chamber of frozen souls.

      1. I knew i shouldn’t have said anything…
        ( listen to your instincts )
        I don’t Want to be full of bs!
        Seems like I keep making everything harder than it has to be.
        : (

        1. Why not? The rest of us are!
          Sri Radhe, light as a cloud on a summer
          day ok?
          floating through it all, filled with BS.
          love stinks too, we all know we can’t
          separate our love from our fear of death.
          Love consumes all straight into the BS
          of total madness. Desire. Krishna.
          You think too much and I suggest Love.
          Sexy Devi. BS and ALL. My love to you!

          1. And when you think you shouldn’t. And when
            you think it’s not good enough. And when
            you are afraid to be criticized- DO IT THEN
            MOST OF ALL BECAUSE HE WAITS FOR YOU THERE
            BEHIND THE CURTAINS OF “TAKE IT ALL OFF!”
            Now right away. Be wreckless.
            That’s what you need to do
            RADHE SHYAM

          2. Yes!
            OK!
            Thank You.
            (I wish I had an off switch for my mind
            It gets too heavy in there sometimes)

            I love You too!
            : )

          3. “Your heart is the off switch for your head”
            Isn’t that what Krishna said?
            RADHE SHYAM
            LOVE

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