I wasn’t really thinking when I started building castles in the sand. I wasn’t really thinking of how tired I would get. I grew up on the beach in California. I knew everything about how the waves and the sand and the sea work- is that nothing actually ever happens and we go in and we go out until we get worn out and stop to rest awhile.
The magnets of the moon and sea compelled to work together to bring us ultimately to this point of absolute uselessness. And I’d climb the sand dunes and play in the water but I was never one to go out too far or too deep. I’m not stupid. I know who’s waiting for me.
And we lived right across the street and the beach was often empty. Just me and my quest to become something more than who stood there then, who stands here now.
And I couldn’t control a single thing that happened to me and the waves never stopped-
in and out, in and out- I could hear them from my room and I’d listen to Asleep by The Smiths because I wanted to know, I really did…
“there is another world, there is a better world….
well there must be, well there must be…”
and I’d count the days until I was 18 and I could leave. It certainly wasn’t enough for me to be just another pebble washed up on the shore.
I had bigger aspirations and these people saw me and wanted me to be a fashion model and then I’d have to leave to a big city and maybe even take pictures with older men or
something seductive and since my parents owned me that wasn’t going to happen- and maybe then I’d be somebody that nobody would ever forget. More beautiful than anything I could create in the mirror.
And the dreams came in -and the dreams went out -and the waves crashed -and the moon waxed and wained.
I was definitely not hanging around this pointless town of surfers and hippy has-beens and guys who love reggae.
My mother’s friends would come over and pay me to make them beautiful and I was only 15-
I would do their hair and makeup so they looked effortlessly dynamic and free- I’m really good at making the outside count.
I had a lot to learn about beauty and running away from the sea.
Eucalyptus trees and coyotes and only one hill away from my own private beach with hundreds of seals laying in the sun- that’s where I lived 3 years later when I got married-
He was ten years older than me- I always preferred older men, men my own age always just seem like my little brother- but age isn’t the issue- it’s really all about the magic mommy living in their hearts and how she spins them towards me.
And i always do it, become mommy for the dying world that is. I just sit and start building castles in the sand with you. Didn’t we learn our lesson that God, in fact, isn’t a frog? I’m still trying to figure this one out.
But my first husband was insane and friendly and larger than life- always singing and wanting attention- (exact opposite of me)
and that lasted for awhile. He thought he could manipulate me and told me I had no personality. He sure was wrong- little did he know She was just waiting in the back seat and letting him drive for awhile…
It’s my experience that men are naive, easily seduced by helplessness, easily reduced by independence and easily angered by challenge.
I learned to wrap them around my finger by around age 12.
So technically, these are the things that matter-
building castle after castle until you learn that the tide comes in and you were too close to the
water- and after you learn that, you learn that you still need to do it anyway – so get used to never having a thing but the memory of what you had in mind- until- that too, inevitably washes away-
And you learn how to master the opposite sex in the best way that you can because their survival truly does depend on you.
And you learn how to create beauty in all the wrong places at first- and you’re wasting time- because everyone gets old and makeup doesn’t change a thing – and love is in your eyes-and if that doesn’t get you laid, look somewhere else- because he’s bound to cause you pain and heartache -because he’s a boy and still pissing on trees that look like they’re bearing fresh fruit.
It’s all about territory and ownership so don’t you forget that- and “love” is a great idea to mask what we’ve done to ourselves.
I guess we joined and we played along because we maybe got tired of being on the beach alone listening to “Asleep”….
“don’t feel bad for me…I want you to know…deep in the cell of my heart…I really want to go..”
and we maybe got tired of talking and thinking and obsessing over ourselves- writing blogs about ourselves and our take on it all- and we maybe got tired of saying thank you and I’m sorry all the time -and we maybe got tired of faking orgasms. and we maybe got tired of shaving our legs. And we maybe got tired of worrying about money. And we maybe got tired of even getting tired….
and that’s where I’m at now, still on the beach,
the song is still playing – but I hear it differently for sure…
So cheer up!
because we’re here getting washed away.
because I love you as you come and go.
because nothing lasts forever,
except of course,
my heart and yours.