mist, mirror.


My path is a pathless one. There is no name or anchor on anything, anyone. Hollow, empty, spacious. This little lost self afloat in the throat that opens to what can never be closed. This confinement that frustrates, the birth canal contracting. I have nothing and I am holding on because I’m here in the world of paths and names. To escape what I am about to enter. But I keep entering the same…nameless, un-anchored imaginary world of flesh bone and blood. So naturally searching for what I already knew…but couldn’t grasp, because never we can. Find the point of the pointless. I have a face, a condition, a cause. I get diagnosed, advised. Limitations increase the more I read I remember. The facts rules and details of paths and names. I try to stop hurting now that I’m lost by any method means or addiction. At this point I think I’ve found one- due to confused desperation. A point. A name for a security called God.  I did this all to myself. Caused this pain because I entered the place with the entrance. Although there must not truly be one at all. My path is pathless. Somehow. My religion has no god I presume that would take a personal interest in me. That’s the way out…I hope- I create. I have no personal being and if that god thinks I do, that’s not anything but a path and a name…that’s a trap. A warped mirror, including me. Who is this person crying looking for temples and statues who care? Who is the one secretly doubting the relevancy of prayers simply because, who am I praying to? My path would be pathless, but to call it so, creates a sort of path in itself. What is wrong with my mind- I am thinking from inside the little one’s brain, the intellect is square and it hurts. Crystal is multidimensional and therefore there is no answer or point, only endless fractions of forever recreating the same, manifesting nothing truly. Little inside smaller as even the largest nothingness we face. So then, naturally I begin looking for another canal. A new throat. A way out. It’s death perhaps…a new door. Could it be the relief that is also the terror I run from that causes my desperate search- that results in death being the answer. Which is also why I’ve done this. Why I’m here imagining existence. Possibly. Just conjecture. Who could ever truly know. Or die for that matter after everything I’ve just said and described. I could at least be useful if I could at least not get in your way as you look at me. I could speak in words that could be clues, deeper triggers that lead to a new deeper hole inside. Deep within where the blue light resides….I hope. Hope. I am stuck and I can’t get off my pathless path due to fear that my feet are moving in a direction of the footprints I secretly follow. A secret even to me. Out of fear, perhaps too rooted to be seen or found without being without. It’s a word that doesn’t exist that leads to any meaningful mind sound. Now we see we suffer in any direction simply because direction exists we end up hurting. Because we’re here in time being humans who move…on the fractal point into the eventual discovery of meaninglessness. Which I suppose could be meaningful. But once again, that’s distracted philosophizing which is only a theory. However I move I am defeated. Because I pushed and I wonder why…a need to do this again, an inability to die to the One, what One. That would mean two existed. And so I say, fuck it. And with a vengeance I get physically agitated and destructive. Another straight jacket. Another vice, escapism. Escaping what. My pathless path of course. I will make a difference, I will add and subtract and define. I will confine and project. I will charge and beg. Just to enthrone my beautiful crystal goddess below the holy mandala inside the box within this hell. So we can know nothing but this and be brave even then…so we can remember not to care for anything but rainbows in the mist. I think I am…mist, mirror. Sharada Devi 


22 thoughts on “mist, mirror.”

  1. YOU are the mirror FOR us. There is so much love here. Not knowing is death. Death may or may not be reality. None of us know shit…we create things to cling to, to feel some sort of anchor or security. Drugs, alcohol, sex, rock n roll…whatever it is…take us from paying attention to that fear. It’s there…then it’s not. Then it’s back. We chant mantra to calm our mind, we dance on the holy ground around the fire of WTF? Every day, every waking moment, we can choose. Even though we do not really know … we can choose love in every moment. I have gone through hell in my younger years….The first 45 years of my life felt like a struggle because I was caught in a net of expectations and extreme confusion and sadness. Since then, I realized (or just got plain tired) that this is MY life (as much as I can believe it is, anyway). I want to smile when I want to smile. I laugh really loud when I am tickled. Cry my eyes out when I feel sad. I feel a bit like a child again, noticing the really sweet small things….the insects, the blades of grass, the dew drops, etc. I love that you share your not knowingness. It makes me feel less alone. Even though alone is not a bad thing. I actually like alone, more than most. That is why I pitch a tent at retreats. I need to get away from everyone. I am usually “up” and friendly, but must go away again. I keep people at a distance. Even John. I don’t want to get too close….I fear I will get so close that if/when they/I go there will be more pain, like the pain I felt growing up. I know that is a clinging too…clinging to habit. Fear of hurt. It’s all the same, though, isn’t it? We are all really alone in this big world. We are connected via our humanity and that we have in common. But we are all alone in our own thoughts and backgrounds. Since I have met you (and BD), I have a focus and it feels right. I have not stopped my morning ritual/devotions since October. It feels right that I keep going back to the not knowing and remembering that it is okay. There is nothing to do. I thank you for being REAL in your expressions here. I thank you for bringing the light into our hearts. I choose to always remember the goodness. I will not forget there is darkness….but while I am alive, I want to be the goodness that I seek as much as possible. I am counting the days until 19 June.

  2. Bhagavan Das emailed me this when he saw the above writing I emailed to myself before posting (which I do so as not to lose which has happened)


    jai Ma Sharada Devi,
    You MUST post this very important Dzokchen teaching on the Mother Light…….the pathless path is the only path of the Buddha. Vajra Guru comes when we sit totally still……no form….only truth…… 15 hours a day of just sitting with your mad mind. watching your breath at the tip of your upper lip….. day after day of nothing……. this is the ground of your being just being present…….. just a simple mind that is balanced……. the mind is sick…. go go go do do do go here…go there… just speak your thoughts out loud….but there’s nobody home….. there is no you….. there is no me……..you are a free bird……that my grandmother heard the voice of God in that song……. that’s the pathless path that neem karolie baba walked….. just alone barefoot in the heart cave with only a baby blanket wrapped around his shoulders. We are here to go………. to find the key…..which is always hidden under your mother’s pillow. Bodhichitta the mind of enlightenment for all sentient beings is the only motivation to walk the pathless path. It comes from your pure buddha nature hidden deep down in your mind. But we don’t see it because we want to be distracted outside looking for the elephant which is standing in our own room. That’s why neem karolie didn’t teach anything,,,,,,,, when I asked my grandpa little joe to teach me that great song that he sang the last night of the peoyte meeting…. he said, @I can’t teach you that song… you have to catch IT.” You are the only ONE…… just before he died grandpa gave me that Eagle feather and he said “I’m giving you this one feather because there’s ONLY ONE.” Your are the sky walker… that is the pathless path that the dakinis walk on. The sky is the empty mind…….. the key is insight into your true nature….. which is the crystal Tara. Your tears are her tears…… they are the crystal tears that take away all our fears. There is nothing to do…. and nowhere to go. Only BE out to SEA.
    You are who I see….. that’s called Guru Devotion….. I took a bucket and filled it with water…. then Maharaji put his feet in it. I washed his feet with my hands in the bucket…. then I drank the water. It was the Soma….
    Maharaji loved it.
    baba das

  3. This world does not hang on truth and fairness, but on compassion alone- in the tear of the one who grieved before you. The ones who understood inevitable defeat and gave it all, in the victory of their broken bodies. So that we could rise on the shoulders of dirt. Like the sun free of knowing pain, until it comes down like rain. That’s love and blood. Breath and suffocation- stillness in the bright night, giving way

  4. It’s just the beginning, like she said. It may have sounded glamorous at one time, but take a listen. Stark pain… open heart, blossom quickly fading. Dark birth canal, quickly coming, and here is what that means. Can you take that spin, deep in your being, freely let it go, taking everything that you are- that’s all. Every. Little. Drop? Into the drain of this new day

  5. It takes faith because we don’t know what it takes… right?
    My life is smoke given, encapsulated in a brilliant bubble, floating away. From the one who sees clearly. Until it bursts or I turn, Mysterious one. Pathless path- you can walk over me.

    1. Garuda, I don’t know this story. I have been told and maybe have even lived it. I am empty now. I want for nothing, and I have nothing to give….right now I swim in tears of darkness. Like all things…it is impermanent and will change. It’s the only thing I think I know….Change, that is. I used to think it was my breath, but I don’t know that either….it could change…it could stop…so Change It Is. That is all I know….but who am “I?” I don’t even “know” death. It is said that it is coming…..but I do not “know” it. My sweet mama just “died.” I only know it from seeing her empty shell of a body…soul/spirit gone. But I do not know it….I keep trying to learn not to be afraid of it. I say I am not afraid, but I must be, otherwise, why would I cry???? Perhaps tears of joy? No… it’s not that….I just want to crawl into a hole for a week or two….I just might do that…..

  6. Reading the previous blogpost, words came up to my tongue. Then, I read this post and the words were here, just as they always have. Maybe I have said them before also.
    What can I say that has not been said already.
    Sometimes I get an urge to crawl into a hole somewhere, wanting to hide and escape from the stream of questions I keep asking. Then I remember the hole is inside. Keep digging and don’t stop until forever. Never. When the hole disappears into nothingingness? Not even then.
    Confines of the mind. Stories. Programs. Seeking approval. For what? For “me” to feel good about “me”? Who is this “me” anyways and why do I think I don’t know?

    Words echo and are carried by the wind.
    All is seen and heard through the ethers, You said.

    1. Not everyone sees and hears through the ethers….I spoke in relation to myself and my understanding of your situation. Although you seem far away, you are not to me. Are you coming to mount Shasta? I hope so, we need help…♥️ I’ve had the blog for over two years…I say the same thing hundreds of times…it’s important to speak up- especially for you. Bhakti Devi, Shakti Devi
      the possibilities are limitless…

      1. Yes, Your words in my ears and heart, I hear Your voice and know that You are Here. I am most definitely coming to Mount Shasta and would love to help!

    1. OM Aurora.
      Where would that point be?
      You must know Aurora is the
      Goddess of the Dawn right?
      Maybe it’s you.
      The meeting point I mean. 🌸

  7. I have seen and experienced this meeting point. Om Sandhya must know as well. Or don’t we All? Love and Light~

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