There is no label, no title we are to become as far as I can say. All I do keep unbecoming, unraveling, untwisting the twine of a divided me. You can call it a spiritual quest but really it’s just the pattern in all creation- when we are conscious of the gap, the acceleration of this process increases when we are wise and not cunning that is, there’s no way to ever really hold the steering wheel yourself you know. We are completely helpless, imprisoned in samsara, seduced by an unsatisfying maya and sentenced to death. Not so sure how to feel the frailty of encroaching doom? It doesn’t have to be this way, we don’t have to imagine our power and remain isolated and desperate- which everyone is- and we all sense it and basically upset each other psychically due to the immensity of the reality we all must face. What’s the point of other people’s opinions or approval, including mine? What’s the struggle, the holding onto name and form all about? I’d rather give myself away then own the shadow of other people’s idea of me, their neediness, my confusion that I must do this, be this, get here on time. Hurry, hurry, hurry, you’re late for nowhere. I keep saying the war is coming and it’s not a metaphor, please get ready for whatever is to be, prepare your soul, make peace in your heart, find peace in knowing you didn’t sell out to anyone or anything no matter what. You are better than anything that came before you and nobody can trap you but you. You are the path to freedom, a portal to the skies unto yourself. The skies where the gods and demigods live, the high beings of rainbow light. Yes they watch our every move, they sit in the skies like the clouds and they know us all by heart, so what’s in a name? Nothing. Besides Michelle, I’ve had 3 spiritual names- all of which annoy me. It’s hard to get out of the corners that make me sometimes- but I’m skillful, so don’t think I won’t slip through a crack in the math, because I will. I’m a decoder of messages sent from all four directions- and so many people misunderstand my agenda- not you my friends- but outsiders- people who think they’ve got me on some kind of rope, pulling me along- “come on, you know you want it, don’t you want to be somebody too?” And offers to be in yoga books, magazine articles, all kinds of little temptations riding on Bhagavan Das for me to snag my importance from in order to be a holy VIP- so I can then join the club of other special spiritual people and promote myself wholeheartedly in alignment with my lofty peers- but since Bhagavan Das has already been a “bad bad black sheep boy” and I’m not playing my cards right at all by encouraging and supporting his rejection of “the clan” only makes me feel happy, victorious- like I’ve just dumped off a huge load of useless shit at goodwill for someone else to value, because I certainly don’t. I’m just telling the truth, sure, yes I could be a spiritual “politician” only because I’m a fast and convincing talker and blow smoke just as well or even better than the best of them- but the difference seems to be, I’m not trying to become someone, I’m really not. It’s not worth it. You may not believe me, and if I were you I probably wouldn’t believe me either- plus I seem a little unpredictable so I could just be saying things, once again that I really don’t mean. But oh no, I mean 100% every last thing I’ve ever said and literally. Ok. So with that established, I burn bridges, I kill the past, I change faces, I disappear, I reappear, I melt, I freeze. I fall, fall, fall to the bottom of you who I love. It could seem I’m reckless but this isn’t the case, fear makes us stop when we really should go, that’s all. I go because movement is the law. There is nobody to become and that’s it, but when you sit around losing valuable vibrational velocity- you begin to agree with others that you’ve become this thing, this somebody we can all count on. What hell, I know people love to fling around nobody these days like it’s another trend- but I mean it that the rush is on- and I’ll keep wearing away at this stubborn rock of me until all the water flows unhindered by my imagination of this name and fame- and I don’t mean I’m famous- I mean fame- like owning a face. I don’t own anything but my commitment to the flame. So what I’m saying is I terrify people because of my willingness and readiness to destroy not only myself but them and their postured life, it’s a house of cards. I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down. It was easy, because the front is flimsy, surreal, just a cover up- a scheme of desperation to survive the fact that we actually do know we’re invisible. That this persona is what hides me, keeps me safe- and then my fantasy of this persona becomes so real, such a solid investment of self denial that I even start to believe it at the expense of myself and the actual presence of me that is faceless and running the show from behind the curtain. The unconscious rocks the boat to hell in a body simply because it’s programmed by man. When we only scrape the surface of face and name we limit ourselves by not going deeper, taking a dive into the darkness of the abyss and finding out who really lives in me? Where have I been for thousands of years, who are you really to me? What treasures do I store? Where did I put all my wailing demons? The grief of being in this thing of “us” and not even knowing who it is – is why I tear it down and peel it away. I will find out, I will find you. I will save us if it’s the last thing I do. And so this force of destroying is the only way we can be brought into the light of who we left, who lives within, who forgot but really didn’t- and until we clear up the fear demons in the dark mind that obscure the jewel- that guard the treasure of who we deeply are so that we keep spinning face name fame- surface fools- as if somebody out there can remind us of who we lost- because we have a feeling that god just might be great. But is it worth it to you to leave this construct of maya and move inward, onward and upward- not worth it to most because the fear you won’t admit you worship is actually your god, and so you get the rewards of that god’s world, the emptiness of maya’s heartless glamour with no true love in sight…and as long as we remain cowards, subservient to this cotton candy illusion- we deny love, we seek approval, we hoard in fear, we strive to impress, we wear the same stupid clothes and go through the motions of a mechanical me. Cutting ourselves to feel the warmth but it’s not enough, even the blood becomes cold without the flame of who you left being lit by you again and again . It’s a tight fit and we forget constantly which way do I turn, who am I, and it doesn’t feel good or right to be entangled in the burden of gravity called karma- living our shit through other people- and we know this ass’s hole only gets deeper because there is no working it out with any family or friend on that level- since once and for doesn’t exist- sorry but there’s no finish line but sickness, death and repeat in samsara- no solution whatsoever. hence addiction sets in whether intense or dull- just to numb us and blur the edges of our lying face in the mirror- the inevitability of the outcome lest we conjure up the courage to destroy the lie we live- I don’t want to know- would you just shut up so I can stay shut down? Why won’t you sooth me and wrap me in another false blanket so I can add you to my collection of spiritual things to go to so I can feel better when I’m guilty or afraid? NO. Spiritually evolving- meaning moving into the presence and away from the persona is the most painful pursuit you can ever choose. If it doesn’t hurt, it isn’t God. Not yet, not now. It isn’t easy, it’s the hardest and most baffling thing you can do and yet you must. This world soothes you with the hands of charlatans and false prophets. They cannot release you. They can only use you to make a name for themselves, become someone too- a guru perhaps? A sexy yoga star? It’s gotten so bad- with hardly anyone left even remotely genuine to turn to because of the impurity that is at the core of the system. I am a part of it and yet I refuse to be of it’s essence. Self promoting grandeur with a spiritual twist that makes it ok? Survivable down to the last drop because we’ve taught a meditation technique or a yoga class? This to me is not at the heart of our calling- we are not to be a social creature and think we can transform anything. We are to be an awakener by our presence alone. Loneliness with a guide who shuts you down. Jaya shiva shankara. People hate that, they hated Jesus- they always persecute the truth in the world of maya, it’s her web and she can do what she wants. This is the idea of the lotus growing on swampy muck against all odds. Can you be real enough to rise out of self imposed victimhood? There is no other way but to cover your tracks and get out of your own face, only the chrysalis remains. Where did she go? Was she ever here anyway? Your eyes and your voice don’t hide anything, your hands on the wind only give back the light. Stop holding on to corpses and hopes of a brighter future. This is a time of transformation not preservation. The entire globe is rocking. We face grave dangers to body speech and mind. The howling thoughts have been released as violence upon the face of her beauty, eating children, rings of black magic, shadows following you to the grocery store. This is not easy going, unstable times lie ahead. Only diamonds are forever and we all know how diamonds are made. I am here for you but I cannot help you even though you asked me to. I can’t help you because you’re still on the other side of the fence crying through the boards of your own fear, thinking there is some way to make it work where you can hold on to security and also transform- but while avoiding her flames, there isn’t a way. Just so you know the trade you’re making- the only way is fire, fire destroys- fire of maya destroys clarity, fire of god destroys ignorance- maya is everything and anything you cling to- and that’s the end of that discussion. Until one commits to their faulty idea of reality being shaken to the core of their insincerity masked as lack of commitment and dedicated role playing- it’s useless to think of anything else but how only her righteous fire makes butterflies out of smoke. Her, is not maya. Her, is the mother light who gave birth to maya as ourselves who fell into sight and lost our invisible ground who is home. Butterflies go through pain to find themselves and so must we all. The panic of uncertainty meaning that we have no name or face but that we are merely movement that can’t sit still. We’ve been going going going and forming dreams of who we are lifetime after lifetime so that we might exist and finally conquer god even though that wasn’t the original plan. We are the fallen angel is what I’ve been trying to tell you. We are the light who felt the separation of final love from a temporal love as a way to see itself as beautiful- and so one day decided to fall into darkness to find the strangeness of this beauty and we hit our head on the earth and forgot our infinite journey- we started walking, talking and thinking- looking for the light for one reason only- because our name and face took us away from our heart where her light lives and we got stuck in our head where we breed defenses and strategy- so that we could no longer see that we are innocent, we actually aren’t crooked- because no matter what we ever do, the fact remains that we carry her always in the chrysalis of our heart- so that we never stop yearning for the unseeable bliss of her cosmic arms- where the spinning jewel becomes the light and takes away the clutch of fear-we look everywhere, in everyone- and yet only when we burst open from the cavity of a deathless sleep will we remember our nameless faceless fameless omniscience and reclaim our heart’s jewel. The pain we feel in the gap makes our heart burst open and we realize the space of her as tears- so don’t avoid feeling your pain, it’s sacred and it’s holy. Cry me a river if you can, and isn’t it easier said than done since we’re bound to a heavy force called self censoring which is the resistance to the awakening light. Either way, we are the creation of divine artistic hands- the original plan gave us wings to dream and so let the love return on its own- because you know the saying, “if you love someone set them free and if they come back they’re yours…”
The North Star where the butterfly lands is our home.
So now that brings me to surrender. This is the heart of the matter and the hardest thing we could ever do. Only the bravest of the brave can surrender because what it means is simply to acknowledge that death is in charge. We surrender to death. We learn to love the unknown as god and guru. The guru is not someone -some person you pledge allegiance to and therefore “surrender” into a master servant complex- no, it’s you surrendering to death as the living guru who enforces the inevitable transformation. Without that point of awareness, it’s hard to know what we’re even doing really. And those of us who have had a more difficult life and have had to survive a lot of turmoil- you would think we’d be less afraid to bow our heads down to the truth- that we cannot control anything no matter how hard we try- but we’re even more resistant- because we’ve adapted so well to the survival of ourselves- that our subconscious mind is always working very hard at preserving the ego we consider ourselves to be- the one we can touch and see with clothes on. And so the test really then becomes- yes, you’ve been strong, you’ve survived this far, but how will you survive the final fear, the fear that consumes our souls and determines our every move? We need to control people and circumstance- we need to think ahead, plan our or their next move, we need to see the worse case scenario in our head and plan how we will handle it, we need to survive…and we waste our lives in survival mode.
Anything can happen to us at any time- unpredictable scary events are always lurking and will pop up eventually. I don’t have any safety. My fear was worse than the fatal crime. I can’t hold onto my body, I can’t think or strategize my way out of fear. I cannot control the outcome of my life- when or even where I’ll run out of gas. So it then becomes our only hope- if you’re wise you’ll listen and know it’s true- you cannot control anything or anybody, you can only learn to control your mind- which is your only safety, security or lasting comfort. In order to do this you must slay the fear that possesses you. The guru whoever that is for you, simply holds you to the task as the representative of death. We die when we truly love- and that’s devotion. Merging into the unknown of our beloved death who is the ONLY one who has the power to turn us into the one we love- who is God. There is no God without first dying. And how do you plan on doing that? Right, one day at a time? Easy does it? NO! Burn the house down- it’s on fire anyway.
Surrender therefore is the only act that will free us from fear, fear that we won’t survive- because we won’t. So we know we need help, we ask for help, we look for someone who can guide and support the only worthy cause of living-learning how to die. Don’t wait until the body gets sick and goes- die while you’re still in this body and become the presence that dwells behind the face that protects you. You have no protection but surrender, devotion to death who is the only one who can embrace you into love, giving life that is eternal and unbound by man’s laws of who you must be to survive. You’ve come this far, don’t turn back now. Death, my God is the giver of all light. And so you see only a passionate lover can die for a cause that makes the heavens rejoice in your name. Victory is had for every soul who lets go of grasping at name face and fame regardless of outcome on earth. There is a land beyond this globe, lit by the North Star where the butterfly goes. There is a place so pure you’re born from a flower instead of a bloody womb with strings attached. Do not fear death. Embrace the one you love. Listen to me. It takes a certain kind of person who can set fire to themselves, I get that. But unless you keep torturing yourself in this vivid nightmare of samsara, there is no other way. More horrifying than giving up the resistance to surrendering our ego and it’s clinging fears is the fact there is no other choice but a dull tooth ache otherwise known as devil worship. Pull the tooth and say hallelujah!
And so it’s pretty clear the toilet we swirl in and what we need to do, surrender, find the handle,
and flush. Without surrender we cannot flush and dark toilet bowls we are calling our “normal life” obscure the devotion that would let you be the lotus in the toilet. You see, the lotus is the shit that rises from the sewer. Our head is the toilet and our heart is the sewer. Surrender and devotion come from wise use of our shit. It’s called personal resource, it’s all we’ve got. You are you, so special and distinct what will you do with your filth? There is no filth, there is only clarity. Fear obscures clarity. Face your fears, lose your face. Own your death. Embrace your invisibility. Do something different. Unmask the beast you dress. Get down in the gutter and bow to your mother. Take a little piece of me. I would die for you if I could but I can’t. Only you can die for you. That’s the lover of love. Guru Chandra, the hopeless romantic shelters death just before sunrise. Even my love spreads shadow. Even my love who looks like you…
There is no us.
There is only the scythe and the chalice. The grim reaper and the moon finding venus,
making love in the sewer.