looking out like a vacuum

I am not obsessed with human things.

Like sex and food and memory.
Born empty, with a hole.
It flows through me
and cannot change the ending.
This long sought after day.
Bleeds for whores and concubines.
I wrap my feet in thistle.
I bend the way I should.
I have not been paid.
My eyes will not focus, on you.
I am underneath here, pulling
death from the hole.
Like a dog that hunts for no reason.
Just a pet. There is no wild left,
in the morning or past the night.
Anymore.
Just a blur, you soft little wreck.
Just a number in the pile,
rotting. Pretending to see,
you, pretending to see.
And I feel, the human feeling
of betrayal. Just for being born.
Just for being me, with no pursuit,
but to vanish.
Unaccounted for. Still a bright virgin.
Dark in the aisle of mind, only.
You little piece of meat.
We have left and gone,
perhaps too far from our people.
Disembodied, animal chunks.
Growling and groaning. Secretly.
For a new owner.
And I do see flowers, outside
my window. And I do not imagine,
the light that bore them. In my yard.
They will die, bending over.
Like they should.
A useless weakened beauty, God held.
By a stem, God tried. I picked up the message.
And I shook in the wind all that passed.
Carry me home, to the no place.
Without knives or guns or wilting.
Inside, little empty human.
How will you fill this day without me?
(There is a cloud about to explode. Quietly this cloud seethes over my house. I am inside,
looking out like a vacuum.)
Sharada Devi

99 thoughts on “looking out like a vacuum”

  1. Ravenous, you can have my heart. You don’t want my body, it’s already taken.
    What is left but truth of
    pure love? No where to go, without you.

    Silent command, wrecking
    ball, torrent of release.
    Finally, there will be
    nothing left for us, to miss-
    Just
    profound
    Empty and inevitable,
    Death bride, wait for me
    a question, I don’t have to ask.

  2. Virgin Mind

    Begin the Journey

    Radiate Light

    Love

    Detachment

    Assistance

    And Shine: The White Light On The WOUNDS. ❤

    Always And Before Always Even THINKS.

  3. “We can, at best, merely make the psychological world situation so clear that it can be seen even by the myopic, and give utterance to words and ideas which even the hard of hearing can hear. We may hope for men of understanding and men of good will, and must therefore not grow weary of reiterating those thoughts and insights which are needed. Finally, even the truth can spread and not only the popular lie.”
    -THE UNDISCOVERED SELF (jung)
    “None of us stands outside humanity’s black collective shadow. Whether the crime lies many generations back or happens today, it remains the symptom of a disposition that is always and everywhere present– and one would therefore do well to possess some “imagination of evil,” for only the fool can permanently neglect the conditions of his own nature. In fact, this negligence is the best means of making him an instrument of evil. Harmlessness and naivete… strengthens the opponent’s position in the most effective way, because the projection carries the fear which we involuntarily and secretly feel for our own evil over to the other side and considerably increases the formidableness of his threat. What is even worse, our lack of insight deprives us of the capacity to deal with evil… We should, so we are told, eschew evil and, if possible, neither touch nor mention it.”

    1. I’m going to also post the email you just sent me- because the song is pretty and the quote is interesting:

      (from Garuda)
      I posted something to your blog.
      I would like a second chance, with you
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2SABYGwH1I

      Here are the first and last sentences of
      THE UNDISCOVERED SELF by C.G.JUNG:

      “WHAT WILL THE FUTURE BRING?…
      …I am neither spurred on by excessive optimism nor in love with high ideals, but am merely concerned with the fate of the individual human being– that infinitesimal unit on whom a world depends, and in whom, if we read the meaning of the Christian message right, even God seeks his goal.”

          1. reading what he wrote makes me think I’m not so bad after all- meaning with this curse I carry etc. maybe I’m onto something because that’s the stretch we must make….

          2. Yes he IS,
            Squiggle is my transgender cat.
            When I got him he was a female Sphinx kitten. Then he started growing hair and became a boy. This is a true story.
            Plus he is a circus cat, he does tricks
            AND yoga, daily.

            Take it from there- it makes sense what happened. He also flies (when I throw him)
            and he rides on my shoulder like a purring black love bird…

          3. The stretch that allows shooting stars to enter magnificent black holes, where we return to a bright embrace, under the fog of knives.

  4. Squiggle ?
    I thought your sparkle- black intergalactic flying circus cat was named Legend.

    Second chances, are they the bright upside redemption seeking cousin of second guessing ?

  5. Virgin Mind

    Empty yourself of presuppositions.
    While simultaneously using them to function: YOU exist at the basis of the presuppositions. Because YOU are nothingness. And because YOU are always nothing, YOU can always begin from THERE. Always! Grasped, you become defined. Defined, you then have stopped on your journey to the distant star. Stopped, you just go ahead and shrug yours shoulders and decide to inspect your work.

    Virgin Mind

    You are merely a constellation.

    Virgin Mind

    You are in everyone. Every person, flower, animal, every thing everywhere.

    Virgin Mind

    You cannot stop the ocean with your hand.

    Virgin Mind

    Why? Because you are the ocean. What does your hand think it’s doing by stopping its OWN oceanic totality? Or somebody else’s? Even? The dam has broken. The goose is out. All bets are off. The earth is a runaway train. Just stay in the present moment and do the right thing. Fuget about it. ❤

    Virgin Mind

    You are never humiliated, just convinced you should be humiliated. Or should humiliate. Why? Just to appease selfish desires? To appease an angry volcano god? Jump in — see if any of us care! You have the freedom to say: “Now THIS is STUPID.”

    Virgin MIND

    Your mind is still while you work to serve. Your service is recognised both by how it helps and how it does not help at all.

    Virgin Mind

    BE.

    Why?

    Virgin Mind: that question is merely a thought. Let it pass. BE. Your being will appreciate you as your mind ceases thinking and you just are happy and in the flow of it all.

  6. cats on cloth
    woven into fabric
    sitting on your shoulder
    snap shot in the rear view
    what is that reflected in the mirrors
    of your soul
    i fancied myself bold
    taking on the challenge. facing irrational
    fear, in the name of love
    flipping over panic
    exploring the soft, white underbelly
    twin symptoms
    excitement or anxiety
    a rose by any other name

  7. You talking to me? If so I had no intention of preaching. Sorry you took it that Sharada Devi. If it wasn’t me you were talking to — no worries. Now if I really came off as preachy — too bad. Maybe I missed my calling.

  8. By the way – that IS me. But that probably won’t convince you. Also; consider that you are preaching. And you are projecting. What you see 8s what you get Maybe. Why don’t we leave it at that.

  9. No more preaching from me. Probably better cut out from your blog. Not sure if I really fit in to this space. It is a pretty cool space though. Maybe too real for the likes of my candy ass. My comments don’t quite fit — I have gotten a lot from it though. Peace!! Journey on.

    1. I had a weird little friend that was nice and distant, now that I recall. Anyway I’m telling you that because I would feel safe enough to watch Barney at his house. I was in second grade and it was a dark secret…
      Patrick, take it easy, you belong.

  10. i paint a lone picture of me, struggling
    in the breaking dawn .
    a spindle figure etched
    without harbor or cleave
    drifting ,
    head long down a swiftly flowing highway
    awaiting what will
    be
    attempting to reconcile with the ethers .
    it’s me, not you .
    only the flow of an unimpeded me
    i have no claws
    hidden nor shown
    if i had a flag
    it would be white

  11. No hard feelings. We all belong somewhere. We all make choices. Attractions and aversions are the issue with regards to one’s own sense of the validity of one’s own pe4ceptions. Peace. Let it be. Be good. 😎

  12. Hiding in the shadows
    Could be so much easier
    Than standing in the light
    Out in the open
    Naked, completely naked
    For all to see
    Vultures and vampires circle above
    The scent and taste of innocence
    Still the power of vulnerability
    Purity in intention
    Polishing the mirror
    Purify all these energies
    Purge all what poisons me
    How far will I go for healing?
    Truth of Self realization
    Sattva the only solution
    When all I could see was darkness
    I could just turn around towards the light
    Why brood in a shadow of my own making?
    When the light was always inside me

  13. So when we just start writing, we can give space. The thing is, the pain, it needs a page. I wonder if it will be ok, and that is an impulse that needs time. Time to return, like a blanket thrown in the air, falling to make the bed. We let it happen. That is all we can do: lay down. roses, ashes, all tears settled. For the fire that will take care.

    1. maybe too, when we just start writing we
      sanctify the space. bringing the naked body of pain out from the shadows where she hides in shame. to lure her with the words that cover her anyway. the beautiful dance of light and sound. to glide upon the waves of darkened hills toward the sea covered mountain…this could be what the words are for- landscape of heart water and jagged birds…

  14. lux time in the air
    everywhere
    numbers , numbers
    inescapable series of triple 2’s
    spiral diamond tinged with blue hues
    equations speaking louder than words
    imminent migrating patterns of birds
    the only way out is through
    pushing past the blur and deciphering the illegible
    i stuck my head betwixt the lions jaw
    all i saw was one less tic on the list of letting go
    i didn’t tame the lion, simply tamed my mind
    unexpected palindromes
    mixtures of azure skies
    fused with the potency of magic on the rise
    even though the mind submits
    the body never lies

  15. The “look” was meant to be the ‘lion.” In the previous comment! Autocorrect. However, it is weird that “look” worked.

    1. There is something called the Enlightenment Intensive, it’s been around since the late ’60’s. The most powerful, and quickest, technique for direct experience, anubhava, enlightenment experience, samadhi experience, kensho, whatever you want to call, that I have ever found. One usually starts out with the koan, Who Am I? There are other koans as well. You would probably love it. However, it can be challenging to say the least. Not for everyone, but worth it. As the name implies it is intense. I’m intending to do another one within the next year…hopefully.

  16. Don’t expect
    Me to perceive your reality
    Like you.

    I know you.

    Who am I talking to? Only you who relate. You who don’t relate realise I am wounded beyond all recognition; beyond all help. Yet also quite self-satisfied. Yet I will gladly hurt you by helping you, help you by hurting you. And: I am just running my mouth. So how serious could it be?

    You want what I could never give you?

    But only that which could make ME like YOU?

    “You” know as long as you are proud of “you.”

    I remember doing a performance orchestrally in Italy. True story. The solo pianist got booed.

    I thought: how rude.

    Yet: they were HONEST. What did THEY care?

    The only time I ever saw that happen.

    1. I am trying too, but i guess it takes each other to move along. One time I said that to Shane Mountain. I never heard back from him. Don’t be that way.

  17. Kailasa: The Enlightenment Intensive sounds pretty dam intense! Thank you for sharing this on Sharada Devi’s blog!

    “Who am I” also famously associated with the self-inquiry of Ramana Maharshi. That near death thing he went through as a teen. Was that it? Correct if I’m wrong, somebody. “Who am I?” can run apparently just incredibly deep. For aspirants.

  18. Yes Ramana did have self-realization as a teen. The Enlightenment Intensive uses the Zen approach of contemplation with the modern psychological technique of communication. The mind is peeled away rapidly so that what remains is truth. Like neti-neti, not this, not that. Since mind is filled with false ideas it is hard to know what is true. In the old days there was no word for mind so it was referred to as the devil, the father of lies. As in “the devil made me do it.” The truth is present in/as all of us but it’s jumbled up with lots of untruth. Quite the predicament. The Enlightenment Intensive is a workable option since few of us can afford the time and money to put in years at a Zen monastery or wherever which is/was the traditional route. Of course, the mind is a paper tiger and can be broken through at any time by grace, guru, sadhana or some other method. May we all realize peace and happiness.

  19. Kailasa: thanks for your share on Raman Maharshi.

    Yes: “neti neti…”

    Break through — truth seekers — to the unconditioned; sky of mind; pure consciousness

    I like “the mind is a paper tiger.”
    The real tiger is real power, truth, and LOVE.

    Garuda: are you a ski g me to give something gritty? I thought giving what I wanted was ok!

    Actually also, I thought I had already given a certain amount of grit.

    Observation: is not perceptual difference kind of amazing?

    1. The truth is, I got bored with this comment, so I didn’t even see that you said something to me until I went back again (after reading what Sharada Devi wrote.) Shane was not boring!

      Patrick, do what you want.
      The statement, “a certain amount of grit.” is, very funny.

      1. Yes
        stimulation rage grit excitement passion…
        just like the Buddha said 😆
        go with it.

        🌸(my version of the Buddha flower)

      2. I’m so bored with being bored.

        My grandma once said,
        “Only boring people get bored.”

        SHE WAS REALLY A VERY WRONG GRANDMA😂😄

        because I’m bored 99% -(1%sleeping)
        unless I’m causing a little friction for the fire🔥

        maybe if I had more friends…but they all just kept burning and I couldn’t put them out…HAHAHA🔥😆🤣😂🔥

        1. YOU SAYING BORED 99% CAUSES FRICTION- it’s funny, you know that.
          mind anger… a weird thing but acting crazy like that somehow isn’t
          Where’s Patrick? PATRICK 😀 😀

          1. I cause it because – for me and my condition- Bored is relieved by friction –

            but mostly everyone caught on fire and it was too late.

            So it’s boring because everyone is either avoiding the fire or just burnt beyond salvaging.

            To be born again and to rise from the fire.
            Is the big plan.

            OH BUDDHA SAID SIT IN THE FIRE OF TAPAS AND BURN YOURSELF FREE FEOM BOREDOM.

            BORING. Here, see my flower once again and try to decipher the meaning 🌸

            look closely and imagine I’m real.

          2. `you are so pretty~~0* that is supposed to be a flower turning into a star, but since I can’t type that, I want you to know that I can’t go on without you so we need to FIGURE THIS OUT. do NOT leave this pool until we have fun! I don’t care if your toes are wrinkly THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE. Seriously, I need help.

          3. IT DOESN’T MATTER
            I thought about going back and finding something Shane wrote, but i got bored… Raw Mountain honey is sexual… calculated because it feels (underline feels), like a wild animal stalks its prey.. your heart, my life. Take it! ARE YOU SERIOUS..WHY DOES NO ONE CARE. I keep thinking of that Joker trailer. that guy is so crazy. but it’s interesting… (obviously), so, i’m saying wake up because I need to. it gets heavy around here. bodies…

          4. I was thinking of that too…
            I said raw wild flower honey.
            His last name is mountain.
            interesting how you combined them
            without his last name being written
            out loud…something Freud might mention.
            Shame loved Freud I recall….
            leaving now.

  20. “Embrace your 10,000 beautiful and horrible demons.”

    That’s not just a little saying that is like: “oh goody; this will be fun.”

    It’s real. It’s not talking about it; it’s doing it.

    But too often do I not want a method to do this?

    Instead of dead-on confrontation. That simple.

    1. How does any of this relate to the blog and it’s content? Or is it just being used as an outlet for lonely people and a place to do the “spiritual talk” which I hate.

      Garuda is right. He means soulful. The mind can’t help but keep wrapping itself around nifty concepts. Dead saints are dead. Can we quote ourselves or is it just the constant spewing of mind shit covered in fragrance.

      There are a lot of yahoo groups out there who deal in this sort of thing. I can’t stand it. I started the blog to get to the grit. He’s right. Tears and soul and darkened shadow masses spun into words so that this insanity can stop.

      But I’m not being heard- and I don’t even have to approve the comments. Keep that in mind also. Write mindless poetry about your
      manic depressive mother or oppressive father.

      I loved Shane. I miss him- because he was so in the darkness and ugly. And unashamed and true to his evil. Anyway you didn’t know him. He killed himself last year.

      1. I was thinking of Shane last night.
        Maybe it was because he reminded me of how deep the dark can take you.
        And what a relief it might be to find that jumping off point where nothing matters anymore.
        The infrequent exhilaration of dancing momentarily in a fragment of light, only to crash land back in the thick of it all . Where Is there a realm of being in unconscious consciousness . Wisdom without ego .

        1. Buddha flower🌸
          what are you hiding from…
          inside where Shane dwells
          by the fire, hiding the light.
          pointing to the abyss of God.

          Think about it. And then stop thinking.
          Shane was a very good writer because he was not holding back his own evil. Call it a shadow or what you want but it’s a force bigger than a wise man. It’s a bored fire…
          because it’s held back by fear- boundaries-

          Not really ok to be you. But not the representative-decoy- the real one.

          So no one will shoot- all the props.
          death traps, spiritual gear. How can it be said to reach deeper when nobody knows how deep- deep can go.

          Where gods write books about themselves.

          1. i like that – Buddha flower. Brings a tear of happiness to my eye.
            what am I afraid of ? I don’t know. I kind of thought that i had been letting go of fears.
            Guess when one gets tackled, the next layer is exposed. Endless peeling away…
            I think i am – under the surface – feeling trepidatious about NOT thinking about how to pay for things. Because in 2 weeks, it will become a matter of free fall trust in whatever happens. And i guess that is pretty scary. And i have always let god cover all that. But now i am trying to pretend – like in a storybook, that it will magically take care of itself. Maybe i am testing god.
            I do have a bored fire going on, I guess. Because i have kind of given up on things. i don’t meditate, or chant or … i’m not feeling the whole structured “spiritual” thing anymore. I’ve become jaded to the whole “jai ma” scene. Which i guess is kind of blasphemous since this website is called Mother light.
            20 years ago i didn’t know a single deity by name or form. It kind of became like an ego thing to “know”. And now i am bored with knowing. Buddha and Krishna though, they were just always there. And i do still thank Krishna for my food. He’s not going away anywhere soon…😸
            I really want to be free from my mind. Figure out some sense of balance. The whole mind heart meld.
            ” Not really ok to be you. But not the representative-decoy- the real one.” am trying to fiully understand what you mean by that. Because i am tired of being me…
            i do like the idea of writing an autobiography from the abyss,
            ( and not feel at all concerned about changing names to protect the innocent 😉 )

          2. Be the real you, the one you’re not tired of. The one you look for in Krishna.
            The rest is just pain.

            I know how hard it is. It doesn’t matter.
            Do it anyway because there are only two choices. And you know what that means.

    2. For god sake, for Sharada Devi, do your best (at what she’s asking?)
      We don’t have time.
      I do feel mad about life’s circumstances, mainly misunderstanding, but I made a commitment today to step into passion, to lift, instead of a hateful coming down, on others… I’m sorry, Sharada Devi… thanks for not giving up. I want to appreciate you, by showing myself. Thank you for being here and I can’t wait to see you

  21. More than half of the time I dont understand the blog. I guess I miss the YouTube videos of just straight talk. Whatever it is, I’m drawn to the realness and grit of what you have to offer. Whether it is the burning of the amazon, epstein, or being brutally psychically attacked on a daily basis, I feel like the kettle is boiling. Whether it is related to the blog or not, you stir up a sense of urgency that we all need.

    Ps I have a manic depressive mother and oppressive father.

    1. You’re so funny!

      What kind of YouTube videos do you want?
      Anyone who wants to give subject matter I’ll consider doing a video- anyone out there.

      I have to start a new channel however because mine was hijacked by the past
      Let me know. It’s good not to understand mentally but feel the urgency like you said..

      Next is what do we do…I can tell you what I do…but realize I’m crazy fringe material and I’m not just bragging (haha) it’s serious removal from society and so what can I say that others can relate to- because I’m not fitting in too well- but if you/ any of you- say what you want, I’ll probably do it. I’m basically happy you care and are trying to untangle the parents within.

      Love to your dog co-pilot as well. 💕🐶

      1. Unfortunately that dog is a street dog from india and my land lord wont allow pets. Looking for a canine co pilot soon. If I didnt have to earn money I’d remove my self from society completely,but you said isolation is destroying me! Anyways did you end up getting the property? And can you reveal where the powerful chrystal beings in shasta are lol? Much love to you.

  22. “Real” is “hard” for “nice peeps” because of civilisation. Nice isn’t so nice is it? No it isn’t. That’s what we are all facing now. The dragging up of the psychic swamp. Toxic avenging. Dark stuff. And because of the emphasis on goodness and light it never gets addressed. Condolences for your friend who killed himself.

    It is good to know what the intent of your blog was and is about. Thanks for sharing my shit.

  23. Who is that demon mask
    Not the nice, Christian one
    The Demon Kalifornia one

    Who dat?

    Somebody famous
    Worth knowing

    A personality.

    Woo hoo!!

    1. Kalifornia (with a k) FUNNY!

      Who dat (dat) FUNNY!

      Woo hoo FUNNY!

      dork meets death is FUNNY!

      dark and mysterious,
      worth knowing
      😎 FUNNY!

    1. Ok?
      you’re not escaping ego, Satan.
      whoever you are, he’s got you covered…
      in patrick and beyond.
      let’s not fantasize we know,
      because that’s where it gets sticky.

      the horn, I mean.

  24. Worth knowing is mutual!

    Funny is some good shit.

    So is creativity, some good shit!

    Satan, the adversary still ain’t been integrated within my psyche.

    Because: all those Christian soldiers are taught to FIGHT Satan with every ounce of strength they have.

    Instead of — what? Maybe integrating Satan, the shadow; Jungian style.

    Hope I’m not preaching. Don’t mean to. My intent does not usually come off right here. Alot of the time.

    My intent is to show off my knowledge. AND: To bounce my thoughts (and feelings — but my sharing a do come off mentally — to much Air not enough Water) off others in the Sharada Devi blog.

    To be the classical music nerd that is overly proud of being just that. Nah.

    We’re not in high school anymore.

    But seriously, natal Leo moons conjunct Uranus like mine reflect narcissistic insecurity gone frigging HAYWIRE.

    The end of this share is as follows, in what is trying to be a poem but really couldn’t be:

    (I’m sorry!!)

    True grit is not John Wayne
    True grit is is real. Not is rael. But. Is real.
    True grit is: accepting that the starting point on the Medicine Wheel — Aries (this is not preaching but sharing! But shares don’t have to be liked — the facilitator chooses!) is not only ok but is the beginning of all things having to do with just BEING. Too much Libra and 7th house shit and not enough Aries 8th house shit means not enough self love.

    Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars.

  25. Lol. I wish! 59 September 18. Thus, Sun in Virgo. I may be already past my actual Saturn Return . Isn’t it between 58 and 60? The second one? Is it 29 and a half years for the Saturn revolution?

      1. More
        is required. That is how God is pulled. In the direction of a heart in pain. Love, compassion, there is no quality when it doesn’t hurt. Because it doesn’t matter like the power in a clenched fist or knee on rock. Tears in dirt, if we would be so lucky…it takes a lot to be, truly grateful. to give up weakness, meaning surrendering frailty to a truly powerful love, that pervades, the tightest of circumstances… don’t we know what it feels like? to give it all.. because there is a direction that is asking for it. and nothing else matters without it. smiling because it is a secret that we know. It hides behind the face when the face faces another direction… Come out! O ye weakling! face the light and see! ye made the earth tremble, the wave break, sound bent to you, o creator of the blossom. Now, get back up and don’t give up.

        1. I’m sending this link but I already sent it to you. https://youtu.be/F5V_za0juLw

          I think what you’re talking about is priorities and getting clear. I think your priority is the highest love. Everything has a price and consequence. Think about how diamonds are made and how expensive they are. We were meant to be diamonds. And you know what that means. But people are afraid of their light and they are lazy because that’s the easiest way to avoid the responsibility that would come with the power and the backing of the most holy.

          Watch this, the fire of the gospel:
          https://youtu.be/F5V_za0juLw

  26. Born with darkness
    Light comes
    What does it say?
    Love me because I’m light?

    I am light
    I do not lie, do I…

    Darkness is here instead
    The cool of its night
    The womb of its soft universe
    Darkness tells its story
    Absence makes the internal nose dive
    Within
    Clear and illuminating

  27. The light and the dark
    Dance
    They play together
    Time in an instant
    An eon
    An eternity
    A good, hearty funny laugh

    Sometimes they point fingers at each other
    They say: “YOU don’t know what YOU’RE talking about

    You know what I say to that?

    Have at it.

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