late while the puppy moans


I cannot talk about these things anymore. My car ran out of gas one night in the middle of nowhere. I couldn’t see, it was very late. Strange noises filled the sky. The radio was static. The looming trees hung in failure. I sat on the side of the road, stranded and tired. Where would I go…anyway, it’s late and I’m old. Would I get out and walk, be torn apart by the savage local wolves. Do you think I pretend, it’s all over. No, it’s late and nobody is going to stop the evil that rises. Write another note about blessings and prayer, your childhood years, how you finally found the mantra and can now disappear. Tell me how I’ll get it when I’m old like you. Like age spontaneously hatches an insurmountable wisdom. I guess you haven’t met my mother, it is very late. I am stranded on the side of a dark empty road. Grey fog covers the land and I cannot fight the chill of this implication. You don’t have to understand what it means to be lost, you can still pretend. Secured, imprisoned by beliefs, philosophy, religion, social desires and family. The heavy loss of life as you’ve given it to me is a greater loss than I can bear. This is not me, this name or picture. The car is stolen. There is no such thing as a 5 day retreat. We all must stop lying. Cowards, we are dying out here while you look for ways to deceive yourself. Tricks. Second hand manipulation. Something for nothing. Escape from pain. It is not possible and as I sit, alone and exhausted a voice calls from the deep. “Are you looking for another answer to get away from me…” It is very dark, cold and late. I don’t know how I got here. I forgot where I have been. My heart is devoid of any meaningful love and the wolves are scraping at my ribcage. I will not roll my windows down until morning. I will blame another, save another, eat another, become another. But I am dying inside this car and nobody cares. But I was here a long time ago and nobody is listening. But god is not your savior and everyone grasps at an artificial light. I do not know if there is anyone but me here, left alone to wait for nothing but you with more words. A righteous pointing finger. I know what this means. It means I have not gotten far. It means I am not true. That the end of the road is a hurt all its own. I fade in and out of this reality, entering a darkness from inside of this car I’d rather not know. But I see, a light flashes into my window. A moon stuck in place. That ominous ancient glow. “Follow me.” And I did. Where am I this time. Who do I talk to as I write these imaginary words. Shapeless, colorless, no sound but the dripping of sorrow. I have no car. I have nothing. I am nobody anyone has ever seen. I search out dogs on the sun lit streets. Alone I cry in the wild of a darker road. And I am here stranded in the shadows…

late while the puppy moans. Sharada DevI


32 thoughts on “late while the puppy moans”

  1. Bleak. It breaks my heart, these feelings- alone and misunderstood. All we can do is tell the same old stories- trying to define something that can’t be- not in this world. So I am left with a love that is left-

    Left because the words are meaningless. “I am trying to find a way.”, I said.
    “It’s all about the destination.”, I was told.

    I was also told that everyone dies alone. You can have it all, is my life. I lay it all down. Constantly. “As much as you know how.” – I give a voice to you in my head.

    Now I’m dedicated to success- to making a sparkle of my life.

    The pain goes on, but I am around it, with less need to change it. More need to be it, if that makes sense. I know this is all about me. You, my friend, have one waiting.

    I don’t know what I’m saying, but you do*
    I won’t say it.

    1. Well you know the story, you’re part of it.
      And we’ll go on telling it the way it is.
      And we’ll keep creating the light like we do from the darkness we can’t deny, disown or smother. Yes it hurts, and we grow.
      “We kill from the inside. Destroy everything. Destroy from the inside. Like a tornado, grow from the inside…”

      I know that song, blood root bird, because of you. I don’t leave my friends ever.

  2. I wondered where you went, it seemed you had faded away for a while. But in my heart you still existed just as strongly as when i last saw you in the flesh.
    I missed you so i listened to you, watched you in the maroon video light, you said you were trying to find my eyes…
    Also saw you in a dream and you were smiling. I like to think of you that way. The alternative is much too sad. In the dream, you were dancing. And radiantly happy.
    I used to offer all to the various forms of what ever deity was devised to make the scary monsters and big bad world go away. ( or at least make it more tolerable )
    The flower and the flame momentarily tame the restless heart.
    But the sun comes up and then goes down again and it is all pretty much the same tedious game. Making peace with the unreal. Pretending that the illusion is acceptable.
    I feel pity for those that bow to the 9 to 5 and in between say a propitiating mantra and feel alive. As a means to survive, one more lackluster day. Singing does help to pass the time away. Usually it’s more the musical sound than the actual words. Vibration. The other day, I heard what was said to be Pluto singing . It sounded really familiar…
    I will not surrender to what could be called depression, because when i find something to laugh about – (and it really is all too funny – the making sense of any of this ) – that’s when i feel god. Like i’m being nudged in the ribs by a phantom elbow and god is saying, with an invisible smirk –
    ” Do you get it now ? ” 😉

    1. Well, balance is essential. You may be dedicated. 100%- you are Garuda may be the only ones. Consistently focused. And I can get backlash for this comment but whatever…you know what I mean. So sorry I couldn’t keep the holy one propped up forever. I tried and I’m def not a weak
      lost woman. All the slander going on about me, the unresolved. I’m doing pretty good.
      When I hear, “oh it’s because of you and BD I feel depressed..” well, you’re welcomes
      That’s the spiritual path. That’s the timely truth. I can talk forever to these “spiritual people” on this useless blog but perception is the gap. Anyway, I cancelled the retreat in October. Sadly I think I have become obsolete. Garuda helps me, a couple people send donations. My life is out of balance. All I’ve given- to be left as a penniless beggar with nothing but bad dreams and an unforeseen purpose. Sorry to complain but that’s why you don’t hear too much from me-
      I see how it is and now just the gray.
      Of course I’m as strong as I ever was.
      I’m so clear it hurts. But for all the hiding readers- good luck with your mantra and TT certificate. Thanks my die hard friend ❤️

  3. I thought that you might not be going ahead with the retreat. I would have been there, if I could manipulate it into happening. I saw myself on the train headed in that direction…
    Any lack of BD caused no depression in me. It is only you that i would feel a loss of.
    You have always been the magnate.
    Am living as pretty much a penniless beggar myself. No one earns a living to support me.
    It seems that is what comes of truly accepting god with heart and soul. The material trappings fall away.
    Because the desire that sustains them just isn’t there.
    What’s left for me is to live on faith, rare gifts and unexpected offerings. And a pittance for getting older.
    I guess that’s why i know that god is there. Because I have always had a place to live and food to eat.
    So there is gratitude.
    There is gratitude for you as well. And what you have always been and meant to me.
    I really would love to see you again, my dear friend.
    Just to spend time with you. In an ordinary sublime way ❤️

  4. I am sorry, I wish I could do more to assist. I will chant Hanuman Chalisa for you. I will be in Crestone from 9/20 – 9/21 and then in Taos from 9/21 – 9/24 for Bhandara for Maharajji. I made sure to book in advance, so I can be there for the last Bhandara before they move Hanumanji and Maharajji’s takht into the new temple. It would be a blessing to chant together, if you are available. I will have my acoustic guitar with me too 🙂

    Jaya Siya Ram
    Jai Hanuman

  5. I’ve been lost before. I know the darkness. So alone, so sad, a few times. Attempts made to leave everything/one I know. I have had such darkness where NOONE understood me…and I did not even understand myself. There were times I thought I would not make it another day. I hated everyone because it seemed like no one even TRIED to understand. Such sadness and anger and complete disgust with the human race (religious/spiritual people, therapists, and close friends who I realized never gave a shit, when it came down to it). I went in the woods and screamed so loud, and when I walked out 30 minutes later, there were cops lined up on the street because some neighbor thought someone was killed. Nope, just me cutting loose. Tear drenched, swollen eyes…weak stomach…heart aching….
    It has not happened in a long time ….that depth of pain and darkness…. but I know it well and I remember it…. it was like I was being tortured (from the inside out). Since it has happened a few times…I am not afraid of it anymore….maybe that is why it has not visited since 2005. I am guessing at some point, it may again, as nothing stays the same…things are always changing and I will be old some day and there will be THAT to deal with….and whatever else is happening in the world. It’s not easy when it is happening, that’s for sure. It sucks…that’s for sure, too. I love you SD and I am sorry to hear that you will not be doing your retreat in PA with Shambu…. You are a natural leader. Smart, organized, and a wise woman, and you can do anything…. I see you rising up….don’t stay in the car.

    1. I may write what I write because it’s art
      and I am a passionate person. However, what you describe as your personal experience in relation to my words- (just to clarify) is not where I am at, not even close- maybe when I was 17- but then again, not even then… I handle the darkness with exceptional grace and composure and that is the truth. I don’t need a pep talk or compliments – I am misunderstood and obviously that’s the way it’s going to be- The blog is a creative outlet, nor a confessional or cry for help etc. as clearly that would be futile! I am here to help others to awaken and befriend their shadow pain- as it is the source of addiction , self righteousness and narrow minded spiritual bypassing- I am sure you are aware 👍🏻 Thank you dear Chandra Ma for your sharing, honesty and for your support.

  6. And so I was granted a brief reprieve from this tortorous samsaric rack.
    Maybe I have no more limbs to stretch?
    Maybe each pause between each crank is longer than I thought?
    Damnit, why don’t you rip me apart all at once.
    I think I can bear it…
    I laugh out loud with a tinge of insanity when I feel the tension in my limbs again
    Here we go ride the wave, it’s you again my friend suffering.
    I’m ready
    I’ve waited lifetimes for this.

  7. So many people are just stuck acting as some person they wanted to be, or think they are. So many little kids being raised by insane parents. In yoga class everyone is just showing that they are a yogi that has really audible yawns. The teacher encourages it too. “That’s what I like to hear!”
    I’ve known this is my problem too. Some people have directly and indirectly said it to me. And he keeps showing up. I mean outside of class. I don’t know who’s who and what to do. I really got what I thought was a clear view of it the other night. It was like everything that came up was intended for something else. The blues seemed wrong. Everything seemed wrong. I’m doing vipassana, which has been helpful. But progress is really slow and small. I tried to do a retreat but they declined because of my family/life status and mental history. I signed up for college because I don’t even know. Something else other than driving all day long delivering food. Singing in a choir. Learning Japanese. Watching old movies. Taking financial aid? I don’t know if it’s even right. Maybe I’m just confessing. Maybe I should just get a real job, get a room before winter and work on myself, find a way to be better than this. Stop worrying about everything. Is this right? Is this some person? Is this really a good representation of me right now? I hope I’m in here somewhere.

    1. I got your email and I’m not deleting.
      Ask Radhe all about those kinds of requests!
      Stop doubting and second guessing yourself.
      Move forward fearlessly and life takes care of itself…
      as far as the vipassanna rejection- I think you would have been fine. Sometimes it best not to get too graphic about your past. Everyone there is just as fucked up as you.
      You tell people what they need to know…
      not too much…otherwise they get the wrong idea and think you’re unstable and insane and I know you’re not insane and the instability goes with the transformational territory and you’re young. You’ve got time.

      Maybe I’ll do a meditation hardcore retreat in NM and you can come. Even if you go insane! I’m ok with that ❤️

  8. It may be unknowable,
    but still it feels that the yearning must keep buring
    otherwise complacency sets in
    then the return life cycle begins, again
    i’ve had enough of returning , like an empty bottle being recycled.
    it may be inevitable, but still…
    what do i know.
    perhaps i should be content with being the hallow reed vessel, but I prefer to be the sound.
    this one is holding out for the time of shining. not caving- in.
    Enduring the darkness, isn’t that the only hope of ever tasting the white blind light.
    can you see the flashing glare, as i try my best to bare and wield
    the silver hued lightening imbued star- fire tempered sword of discernment
    may be this is how ” We make emptiness shimmer “

  9. Most are all driving along this road, with a subtle uncomfortable unease, unable to express or explore that which lurks. Pulling over to the security of the rest stop to stuff our faces with fast food. Cloaked in the warm comfortable feeling of escape. Pumping money into the vending machines, attempting to draw a prize from the claw machine. Putting all effort of soul into winning a cheaply constructed ornament. This off ramp goal is all we are ever achieving and seeking. Swearing, cursing when the tire goes flat, the engine breaks down. Sitting by the road, asking “Who will help me?” Incessant, demanding, pleading thoughts. Why can’t more people be of service? Or, why can’t I be more of service myself. Dammit, I’m just gonna call Triple A.

    1. My dad taught me to change my tire before he’d let me drive a car. I had to do it with no help, twice! I cursed him…but then when I was 25 with my first flat tire, I thanked him!! (and jump a car using battery cables). It allowed me to help a few people over the years. Thanks, Daaaahd! (he’s 93 now).

  10. I count my blessings every day, even the darkest of days can’t be as dark and exhausting as my sweet neighbor’s. She was struck by a drunk hit n run driver three years ago. She was 25 when it happened. Every day, every single day she struggles to get in and out of her wheel chair, into the bathroom, shower, toilet. She is paralyzed from the chest down. Her legs keep her awake at night spasming non stop. I hear her cry out loud sometimes. Every day, I see her, and her beautiful smile makes me count myself lucky. Her attitude is a happy one. She said “I am so lucky, Marty. I am lucky that this happened when I am young and strong. I think if I were in my 50s or 60s I might want to give up.” How and why this happened to her is beyond all reason. We can make up reasons why things happen, but I am not sure there is. Reasons help us to feel better about circumstances. We only have so much control in our lives…but I am remembering every day not to take one second for granted. My life is a glorious gift. THIS LIFE is a gift…never to be forgotten. May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering and may we all find happiness , peace and joy in this lifetime. OM MANI PADME HUM.

      1. Om Om Om….
        Blessings add up!!!
        Holding on to the deep truth off goodness within….
        It is there…ALWAYS.
        I forget…
        Until I again remember…
        I smile for you
        and all that we share!

  11. Hmm what a wonder perception the divider pushing the witness out of center unified. I see my hair long and this body my woman my eyes seeing the outside in familiar ways, but attached~ attached to this idea that this is me. I am a borrower here. And oh what blunder: a mix-up. But there is real Light. It’s not all talk. Maybe it’s the brain shaking up things. But what if the soul says that it’s real. I saw this Blue Light; it saved me. It was my faery friend guardian angel. She reached me. Maybe it is what happens in the brain when trauma triggers rough breathing waters. Mmm but then there is the Light that surrounded my teacher when I met him in Dharma. Hum Him Her shape form mmm But I can see prana sometimes. Not like a rainbow that some other worldy siddhi type person may see but energy moving in waves-a force that travels past the course corpse flesh of us otherworldy ~You will be ok Dear One. I have been lazy. Yeah, just feeling stuck. I am organizing my boxes. that’s great?! Crap accrued. I am very in flux as the lot of us seekers are. So, I put off the havan. I can’t help that the deep reservoirs you state speak to me. And therefore, I love you for your writing. Words resound. I copied the sutras for ten months to put in deep, but knowingly aware I would and di nothing of it. I can chant just the first few. Yug it smiles at a circle complete. Revolutions and cycles not so obsolete. I do my best to keep my promises. So, I will ask for permission to do a havan. I ask for permission these days for sacred space. There are so many borders built by man of more than just the heart. I think it’s key to burn the dark away. I am too trapped to move from the mud if I do not create tapas. And Sharada I will chant for you too. I will let you know when it’s complete. I need to be my own teacher here. But it seems I am alone too. So, I tell you so. Havan by the full moon. I will it so. Om Shanti Shanti Shanti peace and thank you

  12. ” A moon stuck in place ”
    outside my late night window
    gracefully beckoned .
    ” That ominous ancient glow ”
    called “follow me”
    “and I did”
    photo opportunity was crucial ( and the intention )
    try as i might to remove myself from the night sky image
    there i was, right up there with them
    my impression, cast out and far flung, hanging free
    amongst the heavenly bodies was the moon, Jupiter and me
    magnified beyond the scope of the naked eye,
    that distortion created closeness
    vivid visibility
    reality of a strange texture, tangible and compelling
    an easy journey to become another planet
    it’s easy to be brave from a distance
    i would rather soar
    than stay quite safe
    I heard that there is power in the written word
    even though sometimes the lines get blurred
    I also think i hear you sometimes talk to me
    as you” write these imaginary words”
    but they do not seem “shapeless or colorless”
    I view them as entirely visual and full of depth
    rich and saturated with the meaning that is being conveyed
    hidden or blatant
    concealed or revealed
    like crystal brush strokes on a translucent canvas

    1. This is beautiful.
      I especially like
      “It’s easy to be brave from a distance.”

      so true in so many ways…
      so close and yet so far from close.

  13. Carry my bags to the river…let the water carry me away.
    I’m oh so tired with all that has happened within this day.

    Some times I think I know, and other times I am so lost.
    I don’t really know which way is right, it’s all about the cost.

    I do what I think is best, at the time.
    Then, I think, wait, there’s another sign….

    Leading me down….another path….
    only to realize it’s lonesome and filled with wrath..

    But, no….I realize that I am wrong…
    and my heart begins to feel strong…

    So…I carry on….following my own dear heart’s desire…
    For every sweet breath, every moment… kindles the fire.

    Yin and yang, yin and yang…
    ding ding ding ding dang…..
    so…the bells rang and I sang…and I keep going on….
    singing my song…
    Om Mani Padme Hum
    Om Mani Padme Hum
    on and on and on and on…..
    strung like a DNA strand….

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