it’s always been me

Tracks I left behind
you followed me here
where I once touched
the earth with sinking feet
I have nothing more to say
to anybody real or make believe
I can only walk away
and remember that I loved you
deep without any digging
you were already there,
buried in me
Me, all alone writing
to symbols of God
Me, all alone touching
a blue eyed ghost
Don’t cry for me
I am a scar with soft hands
seeing your smooth skin,
what’s inside of you, was me,
and so I remember again
that I love you far beyond
the slow blue tears,
far beyond my torn gray skin
and yet I’m never coming back
to the way I know you now
resting on my soft blade
letting me have it all
where there is nothing
for me but echoes of
what could have been
before I fell to pick you up
you, into my mother arms
and for me, as I am, all alone,
that’s the saddest love of all
Because I’ll be here and I’ll never go,
so slowly less and less remains of me
Me, all alone, unseen
carrying these bones across
just for you

Outside the sky is gray
Inside the room is filled with light
a light I barely notice
don’t ask me why she doesn’t see
the you I found in me
because the bearer of the light
gets turned down very low
and the giver of life
gets killed by her own selfless love
every single time

So the one with your food hasn’t eaten
the one drying your tears hasn’t cried
the one filling you is empty
smiling at her eyes inside another body
who did this to me, gave me the widow
with dead men lying scattered
and babies overgrown
with an aching that won’t show itself
and a bruise without a color
I’m still looking because I hear the sound
of someone who needs me
and so I become a body without claws
like yours, a bright light
shining into your window

Covered by night now I sing
in the darkness to a love
that nobody hears.

Covered by night now I write
in the silence to a feeling
that nobody has.

I am not here. I am trying to tell you.
Why don’t you care. Who are you loving. I don’t have a place to belong. And if God felt it mattered, you might split in two and turn to me finally and say, ” I saw you” but nothing is as easy as God caring and so I give up my siren and my vessel. You’ll never make it to me without dying. And I
miss you, is all I’m trying to say.

There is a legend of a flower that never dies. My love flower, and she is just a legend, in her own dreaming ageless mind, down way down, not reached by anyone, not yet, where the water bubbles from the swelling earth and the seed is in my hand, you haven’t come to me, I see you everyday, all I have is the way I see you, I have nothing else besides the seed that might be something
one day when I become the earth.

Because I will die like I am now, already planted, and I will first wither and you won’t find me and for a very long time I can’t touch you or feed you or hear you crying, but maybe I’ll come back like I always do to find you and see myself again, hurting and treading upon the one I love most.

Dead in the silence. Eyes become stone. We only had this and did nothing.

Alive in the sound. Eyes become glass.
We only had this and we killed her.

Heaven has a garden of roses. Drop me in the hole. I have nothing left but the words you spoke about me. I have nothing left but the love I never found. So when the child came to
me, I gave myself up, useless and hopeless and lost. When the child needed me I became everything for as long as I could. When the child forgot me I disappeared again. I haven’t found you and I don’t think I ever will. The winter rides towards me again in the sky, coming for me as always. I am a widow, unattached, left behind. I know he isn’t there, I know I have no child. I know flowers can’t live forever. I know I’m drowning. I know the seed was spilled. I know you and I know me. I know nothing and that’s the grimmest reaper I know. Is that he left me here and expected me to live without him. He forced me to dream of the impossible, just to survive the emptiness he gives. I can’t go on now that I know, now that I’ve seen the place I’m headed…what have I seen and where am I headed,

I told you a couple days ago,
she is leading me to the end of the road, she has no feet and no head,
and at the end of that road
he is waiting to take me

I’m not afraid. I miss you. I’m sorry you’re all alone. Me, the one taking you back into me. Me, the one as heavy as time. Me, the one as blank as the bottom. Me, the only one who ever loved you at all.

It’s always been me.
Sharada Devi


19 thoughts on “it’s always been me”

  1. Dancing in her shadow
    Sun shining on her face
    Lightning bolts and flowers rain from the sky
    Laughing at the loss of how I used to know this world
    Stripping away all the jokes
    This is all too real
    That part of me will never die
    Dispersed into a millions pieces of pure light
    Pure sound
    Becoming the wind through these cleansing tears
    Feeling her near, hugging my boundaries
    Keep me safe but not coddled
    I know she will kick me out and she has
    Always to meet me on the other side
    What happens when you hold your breath and fall into the black sky
    Calling out
    What happens when you are breathless

    1. “What happens when you hold your breath
      and fall into the black sky?”

      your breath holds you, fallen angel.

      “What happens when you are breathless”

      you are finally in my arms.

      because, white goddess,
      you belong to light.

  2. Dear God (whoever and wherever she is I prostrate and give thanks),

    Please fill Sharada Devi with your warm love and faith.
    She is walking with the decapitated floating people and I feel she is sad.
    Please bath her in your grace, she is not alone…
    I’m in love with her and if there’s a way for you to send her my love please do that too.
    I want nothing from her. Please give her stability and comfort in all of her life’s directions and your sword of protection.

    That is all..

  3. Before I was born, your eyes like stars filled my heart with bliss. Just to be next to you and hear your breath like the ocean waves kissing the shore. You were always there in whatever body you took to give the comfort and lift me out of the dark cold mud. Sitting next to you that morning in church I knew you were Jesus, as the rainbow light came through the stained glass window and I was your lamb. Then old lady death came to take your body away as you lie dead on the road. My tears fell like a waterfall for you and yet you came again to keep me warm in the cold empty night. My big furry dog who loves me like the real mommy, who swims next to me forever in wave after wave. You were looking at me in the cave as I saw your face in the rock wall. Then holding hands with you on the walk back to death again, we cry and cry and for a moment I lost you. On a mountain side high above this world we met for a moment and shared the light of your breath. You are me it seems and we have never been apart then why do I miss you so much? The first time ever I saw your face was like the most beautiful smile that floated down into my heart and never left. Knowing you is the gift of grace that only the father guru can give. Dancing skeletons kissing in the falling golden rain, bone to bone and never alone. I must now whisper to you…….. the sound of time taking us away like the stone dropped into the well. Namo earth, water air and fire burn me free sky walker.
    Sharada Devi das
    Sharada Devi das

    1. my words couldn’t be enough
      to explain how you
      are everything that means
      anything at all.
      my eternal love and devotion,
      always together, forever as one,
      and still, we are alone,
      pretending we did this.
      otherwise, we would never sing.
      We sing because we call…
      to the other we imagined
      might love us as we are.

  4. I think of you every day , my sweet haunted Dakini , with snowflakes that never melt in your hair, this makes me recall my recurrent dream of you, being crucified… Baba , I knew you were Jesus, and defended you in your pain and all that you stood for. I am not alone as long as you are in the atmosphere, singing like a little girl. The flower may perish, but all who have seen her remember her beauty. Today I sat by the creek and pretended you were beside me chanting , with our smudgesticks watching our pain float away in the blue smoke, while your snowflake crown sparkled. ❄️👑✨

    1. beautiful mystical dream lover
      sacred spiral of the rainbow sound
      you know we’ve been here before
      and done this already
      fallen flower petals cover her song,
      but we hear everything.
      butterfly goddess at home
      in the wind…

  5. sorry I didn’t know what you do
    that I can get the chance to see
    the new one and only one
    who has been in my head
    and I love your account
    and see what happens to be
    Apart from the machine

  6. Heavy love
    and light Light
    can we find each other in the
    slight escape between
    what is and what might be
    searching eternally for conjunction
    meet me in the middle
    in that some- where space
    that exists between the vast emptiness
    of where eternity lies waiting
    can you see me there beaconing
    your love light
    towards forever
    and beyond…

    1. there is no difference
      no meeting in the middle-
      there are only winners
      and losers, here,
      where we lie to ourselves
      as each other-
      conquest and denial
      predator and prey
      so stop trying to escape
      the mess you’re in-
      delusion only slows
      down the death of
      vivid is the one
      who stops squirming.
      relinquish your conniving
      and endless useless striving
      to be ok, when you’re not ok
      because you’re squirming
      and you know it
      and that only makes
      things worse.
      Jai Ma means victory to her
      because she was victorious
      I hope you see the sword
      as it comes down
      and I hope you bow your head
      and thank her.
      I hope you stop thinking soon

      1. Thank you Sharada.
        Sometimes this stuff just comes pouring through me like late night sludge
        and it sounds right as its happening.
        maybe it is just delusion playing tricks in my head.
        But in the moment i’m not seeing it for what it is.
        And then you offer a different perspective
        that helps me to see where i am getting stuck AGAIN.
        I hope I stop thinking soon, too.
        Believe me I don’t like it in there where the thoughts are.
        Am i hearing you say to stop wallowing in what’s going on
        and just accept that it is happening, not be controlled by it or give it validity,
        and follow my heart fearlessly without trying to be logical. ?
        Yesterday i pulled a 3 rune spread just to get out of my head and the word reckless came up for the second time in one hour. which i am taking to mean something that is done with out thinking of consequence.
        So that’s where i get so stuck. So stuck in the thinking.
        Careless would be the opposite ( if there is no middle ) careless would be the opposite of reckless.
        Or would that be carefree?
        how to stop the thinking?
        it really is a torture.
        It makes me physically ill.
        the squirm is like panic
        and panic feels like
        my heart is racing
        and i’m going to throw-up.
        i sound pathetic
        what to do?
        really, i am sincere
        please tell me what to do right now
        to not think.

        1. surrender. go cry. just give up.
          you’re just afraid- and it’s because
          of something before, not because of now.
          you can’t run from the pain of trying
          to get it right forever, because that’s
          all wrong. I will always love you.
          Just have more faith. We will see you in February.
          God Gives.

          1. Thank you dearest friend
            It is a blessing to have you in my life
            You are a rare treasure.
            thank you for your words.
            This song was a perfect gift right now
            it brought tears of relief just to hear it
            Faith and letting go – yes!
            See you in February – yes!
            Thank you for your love and your help.
            I love you too,
            Jai Ma!!!

  7. She does not need your love, you just want it darker and she comes to me in the sea on the back of the big turtle. I put a red hibbicus flower on her back and she she swam away with that red flower on her back. She is my glory and all my tears are for her vast love that is so real like the voice of the poet. I left this country all alone as a poet with no direction home, but she was always there because of my granny jesus mama. You have got to go to god and get over yourself, you are not who you think you are. Stop the whining for once and for all, listen to her voice she call you hone in star song dark but you don’t get it, you just want to play with her power, and she is more than you can bear. Ah poet who took me in and stuck that cold needle in my vein, you died today but you gave me the golden horse who stood in the corner of the room all night as we wept for her blood. Thank you poet master in the island of the greek sea where mary weeps for me. I was only 18 and looking for the pain to gain the game and slay the beast of america. Now I am the old man and we rule because we got the mojo working and she is always there like a black spider, in the corner of the room. Ah mama Ah see the pearl and eat it, she gave it to you in the mother light death.
    Shakti fills me with life so I can die easy.
    Only one, only here, only now……..WOW!
    baba bhagavan das

  8. i was born with a dangerous mind
    it haunts like a ghost
    hanging too long left
    from a previous time
    I wish that I was from a softer nest
    thatched and hatched
    so in this birth
    and set free
    to fly
    hollow boned and already sucked clean
    sweet air whistling through the spacious places
    Mother take me down to the salty shore
    lay me in soft sand
    that mingles, seeps and creeps into
    pores and crevices
    that beg to be cleansed by your earthly gritty grind
    and set free
    to fly
    free from the
    hanging too long left
    of a former me

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