into the dark promise of nothing


Numbed by sheer panic I rose. “That’s not how you feel, those are words to block the way.” I stood there while he watched me,”cool he’s definitely cool.” This heart, this dead thing in the road. This isn’t imaginary, I make things warm by how I feel. Stop thinking you’re stuck- you’re trapped, you get in a rut and it kills you. Numb below you, without you I’m here, treading. The inevitable, dreading your fingers through my hair. Sticky hair, bloody feathers. I panicked. It’s done, its over, I heard it. Have some appreciation. For her life who died for you. There’s no way out. I’m sure your parents would help you. Where are they? Up in the clouds lost in smoke. The doctors are shocked at how perfect I have become. The doctors are not people, they are flashes who see me periodically as I die and I rise. Because I can, because fear catapulted me into your arms. I knew you were sharp. I just didn’t know how deadly. Red beak, summer eyes on the road. We left behind us. Looking back in the mirror at smoke rising. Feathers fall. My love who is almighty holds this final bone as a promise of nothing. To be, to have, and to hold. Nobody, a body of smoke. The dreamers I left did not understand. I was tired of the same old thing. Predictable. Where the blood comes from- but I do it differently. Hypnotically. In the mirror behind you as you move on. I am your angel and you left me, hovering inside you. Weeping. Watching the sky for answers. The dark bird is coming. His wings fill the sky with a shadowy ash I cannot describe. My smile is inside his bones. Coming down, over me as I lay. Already bare, already wasted. Don’t pretend you don’t know me. We’ve done this before. Tell her you love her before she’s gone, idiot. The voices clamor. I made you do it. Drive faster. Fly away with me. Dive down, tear apart what’s left of me. The carcass who rose from the girl who makes rain. Ashes fall. That’s what the boys who wear feathers believe. In a wet rain. We play games, we are warriors. We hunt fear and bleed, laughing at God who was stupid and said, “let there be light.” Over and over again I roll over you, winning. It wasn’t hard. To kill it, the dream of her, is what I’m talking about angel. Her light. Sure I panicked, how many stories do you want. I’m a survivor. Incest, rape, whatever. The doorway, the rooms we sleep in. The cause of desire. Dark footprints above me. Wingspan. Spreading myself like a vision. We go there to conquer, it’s a bloodbath. Inside I swim everywhere, viciously even. In pain and sadness remembering where we’ve gone. Down. Alone. Always down. My sad eyes can’t take this away. I pretend to be someone else and I hope you don’t notice. My cold, deep water longing. Where I don’t feel and I destroy. Innocence that smiles like a new flower. I hope you notice how deep this is. These words of betrayal. Paradox, contradiction, explorers of ancient worlds under water. I’m tired of birds that swim like swans. I want a bird that dives and plucks. Me from my death in the road. Crossroad. I’m saying it’s real, our choices of this. Find me in the dark remains of a time long ago. A time when I was you. Me, boring body clock. Baby body fear. Take it. I rise. Saddened by the loss of soft hands. Hands that go everywhere, looking all over you, feeling through you, seeing tomorrow and yesterday now, and mostly it’s just the light. Let it be. I saw the light and I left. Mortified by what this might mean. It’s stupid to backtrack. That’s what I told the God I made up. The one who fell as the rain. I cried. As I died trying to know, know God the immortal, wounded friend inside who picks death from my scab like a new flower from a fertile girl. And it’s not about flowers and deep wounds and the way she moves in between them, but probably comes instead from a place that doesn’t have those things. Is about a place we go together. A place with nothing at all but the sound of his desire swooping. He is the one who cannot fall. I have him inside covering my moon, waiting. Breathing quietly. The desire for death in ways big and small. “We make it up, we imagine.” “No, this is real.” We’re afraid of the empty clinging. Legs. That hold on forever. The horizon she becomes just because she can. Become anything to become you. “Maybe I’m bigger than death and maybe you’re just stuck in between.” Where we meet, so small, pretending we’re dying for each other. A game. They say the first time won’t be so great but something will happen soon, a break through. A knock on your door. He’s outside waiting. She’s inside waiting. I’m watching you watch me. There’s a broken face on the floor, tangled arms wrinkled. Little footprints leading to this, I lay down. I wait to die. It doesn’t take long, just a smile, soft hands to greet me. Just a fading voice calling another name. Just a name on a wall, ancient I wrote you to remember you. I forgot you like endings forget they begin. Just a long time ago. I’ve been doing this for centuries. Blood, making it’s way through these blue veins that don’t even belong to me. I take the bitter taste away and leave only sweet red words that cannot be found in letters. Only in me, quietly moving, carrying the unbearable secrets that lead me to your door. I hear her inside of you. She has come to dissolve the distinction between the door and what’s inside. The place the road might lead- to someone. Someone who crosses over me like a deep, dark shadow. Churning to get out…get in. the light too bright to see. I feel you as beyond these lies, into the dark promise of nothing.
Sharada Devi

10 thoughts on “into the dark promise of nothing”

  1. Im just being a stupid coward so…
    would she care if i love her?
    Isnt it insane.
    I know i do.
    The movement of my heart is true
    Used to scare me.
    Wouldnt even be able stay on my feet

    1. she would be insane
      if she didn’t care!
      no fear❤️
      only soft and fearless
      words…can move this
      heavy world.
      only you can make the light
      grow, inside the love❤️
      we hold as her,
      whoever she is, is you too
      deep down under the face
      that seems to separate
      when really it’s only there
      so you can tell her she’s
      beautiful and she can see
      the world disappear in your
      eyes, fire is love
      only when we burn…

    1. I have never seen the sun.
      He sounds like you.
      But I do hear trees…
      talk. In this hologram.
      I am red and violent.
      Shining down,
      I worship in the sun,
      I’ve only heard of,
      this snake that moves
      in circles like the earth,
      Below me.
      Red and violent.
      Creator. Root.

      1. ❤️🐝It’s more red.”❣️☔️ ❣️

        I don’t want a purple umbrella, but Compassion,
        falling, letting go, coming down, as it already is 💎

        🐍Sri Sharada Devi
        I don’t want to talk, unless it moves🐍🙏🏻

        Heart turning red
        My head down,
        like Baba said

        1. LIKE I SAID
          TRUST IN DEATH
          THE YANTRA
          BODY RAIN BODY
          OF THE MANTRA
          STUNG BY A BEE
          IN THE BED…

  2. be alone, go alone into the alone and die. Just let go of your mundane mind and the voices of others who will share there fear with you. Don’t keep it up. just drop the stinking thinking and get away from all the mind games that we all suffer here in amerika. We are born into this hell world called america. So much suffering for us who still want so much from this life of melting away like flesh from the bones. Listen to the Mamo who dances on the corpse of ego clinging, Oh karma make me suffer more so we can get down to get up. Whatever you say or do is recorded in the mindstream, so how much love do you want NOW in this life, People get on the breath and remember that you need the Guru Imprint so bow down sister bow down brother and kiss the earth over and over. Karma is always watching you, flying above you as the vulture, all you have is past life karma coming to fruition. So have good cheer and sit up in the sky space, turn around and keep up the spiritual imprint so we can die with no fear.

    Om Amitabha Hrih
    Guru Padme

    Go into the SUN and pray for all the fat people, pray for you and wonder of all wonders Sri Sharada Devi talks to you.

  3. i can’t quit you two. Because you’re in my dreams as angels and demons. Confused boy. Wants to try the kichari way. I’m here at least a little while, which is a lot more than when I was running recently. The sweetness in your voice sounds like my Mom. I do hate to abandon her for you…but she won’t listen. But still demands. And the old man. Oh boy. I don’t even know where to start…he demands much for someone who has never given me anything. Anyways…here I am…I was scared back here by you and my crazy mind.

    1. You’re so unusual and interesting! So happy to scare you back my way. Fear and insanity,
      move and shake everything back to lucidity,
      stillness and love. Like we do it. Filled with angels and demons, food for God head.
      Heart says it all with nothing to give but silence that threatens us all. Collapse into arms greater than these, the way light fills the room where she sits, holy mother. And his words are meant to sink, not stir.
      Love to Pablo, the smart one❤️

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