Numbed by sheer panic I rose. “That’s not how you feel, those are words to block the way.” I stood there while he watched me,”cool he’s definitely cool.” This heart, this dead thing in the road. This isn’t imaginary, I make things warm by how I feel. Stop thinking you’re stuck- you’re trapped, you get in a rut and it kills you. Numb below you, without you I’m here, treading. The inevitable, dreading your fingers through my hair. Sticky hair, bloody feathers. I panicked. It’s done, its over, I heard it. Have some appreciation. For her life who died for you. There’s no way out. I’m sure your parents would help you. Where are they? Up in the clouds lost in smoke. The doctors are shocked at how perfect I have become. The doctors are not people, they are flashes who see me periodically as I die and I rise. Because I can, because fear catapulted me into your arms. I knew you were sharp. I just didn’t know how deadly. Red beak, summer eyes on the road. We left behind us. Looking back in the mirror at smoke rising. Feathers fall. My love who is almighty holds this final bone as a promise of nothing. To be, to have, and to hold. Nobody, a body of smoke. The dreamers I left did not understand. I was tired of the same old thing. Predictable. Where the blood comes from- but I do it differently. Hypnotically. In the mirror behind you as you move on. I am your angel and you left me, hovering inside you. Weeping. Watching the sky for answers. The dark bird is coming. His wings fill the sky with a shadowy ash I cannot describe. My smile is inside his bones. Coming down, over me as I lay. Already bare, already wasted. Don’t pretend you don’t know me. We’ve done this before. Tell her you love her before she’s gone, idiot. The voices clamor. I made you do it. Drive faster. Fly away with me. Dive down, tear apart what’s left of me. The carcass who rose from the girl who makes rain. Ashes fall. That’s what the boys who wear feathers believe. In a wet rain. We play games, we are warriors. We hunt fear and bleed, laughing at God who was stupid and said, “let there be light.” Over and over again I roll over you, winning. It wasn’t hard. To kill it, the dream of her, is what I’m talking about angel. Her light. Sure I panicked, how many stories do you want. I’m a survivor. Incest, rape, whatever. The doorway, the rooms we sleep in. The cause of desire. Dark footprints above me. Wingspan. Spreading myself like a vision. We go there to conquer, it’s a bloodbath. Inside I swim everywhere, viciously even. In pain and sadness remembering where we’ve gone. Down. Alone. Always down. My sad eyes can’t take this away. I pretend to be someone else and I hope you don’t notice. My cold, deep water longing. Where I don’t feel and I destroy. Innocence that smiles like a new flower. I hope you notice how deep this is. These words of betrayal. Paradox, contradiction, explorers of ancient worlds under water. I’m tired of birds that swim like swans. I want a bird that dives and plucks. Me from my death in the road. Crossroad. I’m saying it’s real, our choices of this. Find me in the dark remains of a time long ago. A time when I was you. Me, boring body clock. Baby body fear. Take it. I rise. Saddened by the loss of soft hands. Hands that go everywhere, looking all over you, feeling through you, seeing tomorrow and yesterday now, and mostly it’s just the light. Let it be. I saw the light and I left. Mortified by what this might mean. It’s stupid to backtrack. That’s what I told the God I made up. The one who fell as the rain. I cried. As I died trying to know, know God the immortal, wounded friend inside who picks death from my scab like a new flower from a fertile girl. And it’s not about flowers and deep wounds and the way she moves in between them, but probably comes instead from a place that doesn’t have those things. Is about a place we go together. A place with nothing at all but the sound of his desire swooping. He is the one who cannot fall. I have him inside covering my moon, waiting. Breathing quietly. The desire for death in ways big and small. “We make it up, we imagine.” “No, this is real.” We’re afraid of the empty clinging. Legs. That hold on forever. The horizon she becomes just because she can. Become anything to become you. “Maybe I’m bigger than death and maybe you’re just stuck in between.” Where we meet, so small, pretending we’re dying for each other. A game. They say the first time won’t be so great but something will happen soon, a break through. A knock on your door. He’s outside waiting. She’s inside waiting. I’m watching you watch me. There’s a broken face on the floor, tangled arms wrinkled. Little footprints leading to this, I lay down. I wait to die. It doesn’t take long, just a smile, soft hands to greet me. Just a fading voice calling another name. Just a name on a wall, ancient I wrote you to remember you. I forgot you like endings forget they begin. Just a long time ago. I’ve been doing this for centuries. Blood, making it’s way through these blue veins that don’t even belong to me. I take the bitter taste away and leave only sweet red words that cannot be found in letters. Only in me, quietly moving, carrying the unbearable secrets that lead me to your door. I hear her inside of you. She has come to dissolve the distinction between the door and what’s inside. The place the road might lead- to someone. Someone who crosses over me like a deep, dark shadow. Churning to get out…get in. the light too bright to see. I feel you as beyond these lies, into the dark promise of nothing.