injured warrior lambs

This morning I wrote this, thinking of myself. If I could make anything better, for me. If I could create a romance with my mediocrity maybe then my words would mean something- at least to me, at least in my head. And so I lied in bed imagining the beginning of today if I were in a romantic novel and something really profound and unexpected were about to happen.
 “An opulent gray covered the land. Softened by a silvery mist everything slept as if under a spell. She sat in a room upstairs looking down at the valley. Horses stood as still as trees and a secret wind that did not blow filled her heart with a wild silence. She watched the place she found herself with a far off look in her eyes. The ocean was not far away and in many ways the night still wept deep into these early morning hours. The lulling sound of distant waves held a confusing power yet she would not be swept away. She would be quiet. She would be more quiet and still than the new world around her. She would not dream of death as if it were her lover. There would be peace, somehow within her virulent body. This was her chance to disappear and reappear at will. Nobody would need to know her and she would not have to speak. She would float as a ghost vivid, over a place that meant nothing to her. She thought these things very precisely as she sat looking down at what seemed merely an echo designed to ensnare her. However, she had grown wise and nothing could stop her. “This is actually the beginning,” she thought toward the sheer trace of moon…morning could hear me and I knew it.”
Because I felt this when the end seems to be inevitably stuck on me, there was a slight rising from within, a hidden sunlight that warmed me inside my cold isolation. These memories of the past will not go, I must consider tomorrow, as today is another bardo where I am hunted by shadows hiding in corners I didn’t even know were there. I have been thinking about what I want. I want my words to matter. Most of all, more than anything I want my words to open wounds that won’t heal and skies that are closed. By clouds that should have left long ago. And these painful shroudings I find do best to disguise themselves in expectations. Not my own but those of others upon me. Love, in this place seems to be defined by the meeting of others expectations. And I have always known this isn’t love, but I have assumed my role and tried to ignore the tearing of layers. One by one of me and all those I have embodied. The past, it catches up and becomes a fresh past recreating the same wretched loss. You lose yourself in what they all wanted, expected. Then they disappear and you are just a nothing. Floating looking for a new job. A new candidate to ease the angst that you have made some fatal mistakes and sold your blood to the lowest bidder. I am talking to me. This is what I want. I say again to the legion of shadows that read me, the waves can’t always pull. There are the tides and these tides are turning. That is what I wrote this dark early morning. While Legend, curled on the edge of the bed, softly tugged at my heart. He talks in his sleep without knowing it. Sometimes he gets up still sleeping and searches for the big black snake. Last night I found out that a bright gun was being held in his face by an anonymous hand. I hear him because I sleep very lightly. He was saying, “oh shit, oh shit.” That’s when I found out someone was about to pull the trigger. So anyway, I can see that there are many shadows and mirrors – mostly mocking the dead. That there is probably nothing else but that – and the knocking. I write the words when I hear the knocking. The far away call from the biggest ocean mirror. There was a day when I would have called that my soul or even God. But honestly, now I am not sure. I pass the time just doing my best collaborating with the chaos. This would mean keeping notes of my daily responsibilities and listening to the forces as they reckon from within. You see, I know there is something big. Super huge going on inside and nobody needs to know. No one does, it’s just appearing as a lesser me. Slipping, sliding downward as all aging human women do. Especially women forced to lean on a man. Because I was raised in a cult that did not allow higher education, I was married at seventeen. It was my only way out. I do carry a curse and I cannot blame my parents for this. I like to think I am in control and that would include prior to my birth. Meaning yes, I chose this particular prison to decorate with my beautiful descriptions and impersonations of pain. Because the cult believed the earth would be destroyed any day and going to college would be as if you were not faithful to that reality. I was told God could read my heart and since I was only pretending to love the God I was taught about, I was terrified of being struck down at any moment. College was therefore one of the last things on my mind. Sex was. And that was one of the main reasons I knew I’d be struck, I was a slut like my mother had called me. Though a virgin my thoughts were impure. I was not thinking of the heavenly paradise or Jesus. I was thinking of boys and a warmer reachable love, or so I thought. Funny how the joke is always on me. So I pretended and didn’t realize how deep that pretending went. But for the knocking that told me what I didn’t know but held deep in the recesses of my psyche- but for the spreading of saddened legs, finally. Then the words sprung to life and began flowing all straight to you, whoever you are. I only know one thing. You aren’t that much different than me. And we all need a new morning that hears us and we all need to feel the urchin of rapturous love filling our bodies. This isn’t a dream but a requirement. I feel alone. Because the world has forgotten who we are. And I know it’s inside of me. That’s why I say the outside often must be destroyed to see what’s been seething inside these walls. And I thought about my choices just now – I chose the word seething for a reason. There is a fire inside that does matter. That is why I write this and why the outside should validate my actions. Any day now. This heart we hold and ignore. This heart we push onto others to heal makes a good point. This world one way or another, whether you like it or not – will show you who you are. This is both a paradox and a riddle. It is the saddest crime of all, truly. Committed by who? God in the making or just us striving to not be afraid? Anymore, of the loneliness and blackest of bruises. Don’t hurt me, but first hurt me so I know I’m hurt. Already. We came as injured warrior lambs, don’t you see?  Sharada Devi

60 thoughts on “injured warrior lambs”

  1. You make me want to be brighter than the page. How you pull in from the 2D. To a fluid reality, dancing dimensions. Where days, nights, and the timeline blurs- into characters beyond life and death. You know it is compelling subject matter when you start to remember the breath, and how ice can hold fire.

  2. ✨🌷✨
    Legend has it ,
    that the tulip dealing dutchman , in his fine feathered hat,
    said , i can get you where your coming from
    as he stared, so deeply into the eyes of the golden- black eared galactical cat
    ✨🌷✨

  3. The expectations placed on us by others are the most powerful things we could even begin to imagine. “I” (and I) use the royal “we” out of the assumption (never make assumptions) that my views will find resonance, whether they do or don’t.

    We push our hearts onto others — like you said — to heal.

    Who is the healer resonating with? The cells in your body receive something they can recognise. It may be soft and open up your consciousness to tune into the realms not normally available. Or it may be the high stress, super SUPER duty inputs that dot every I and cross every single t of every conceivable duty that has been left out by a good citizen, to the God fearing Republic, for which it stands, one clean, sinful, eternally, forever, nation under a white saviour coming back for The Second Coming or even for The First and Last Time Ever.Redemption then happens according to the selected narrative, and everybody lived righteously ever after.

    The expectations are here, there, and everywhere. Family first. Right? Then you grow up. Gotta flee the family. Omg. I can’t flee. Why was I born into a family? Happens, don’t it.

    People have sex. Children are born. Nowadays people can just have sex. No kids. No problem. Except in those judgments where somehow according to the family line, the family expectation, the family “immortality” as it is somehow seen, then that is a problem somehow.

    Problems are perspective oriented. Morality is too.

    Only cause and effect, day at macro and micro levels, can be seen to be something like the universe, overwhelmingly big and too complex to understand , manifesting the way it dies with millions of families, millions of narratives, countless cultures, etc etc etc. In short , something like “the 10,000 things” manifesting from The Tao — which is the Nameless.

    So The Great Mystery to be Lived, versus The GrratvPriblem to be Solved, goes on perplexing, creating egos of rage, EVERYWHERE, egos trying to solve Trump, trying to solve inorganic food, pesticides, new nukws being built by people supporting families so they can go to movies.

    It’s all INCREDIBLY FUNNY. 😎

      1. Thank you, Sharada Devi! You are a fellow aspirant whose poetic and mystical insights are deep. I appreciate that one. Our suffering is such that we can see we really ARE all one, despite the insanity (and sometimes sanity) called “separation.”

        1. our suffering is such that we can see we are all one- only through this mysterious thing called grace…

          compassion conjuring pure light then arises…first though, for ourselves.
          Not just your smart good all knowing self-
          but the one you hide and who whispers quietly, those mean things in your ear…
          listen to that to really understand how cruel we are even we know it hurts, we just can’t stop. It hurts to hurt others – especially so skillfully- yourself.

          But no one will go there, it’s too secret.
          Words stain that’s all.

          1. If you will let me, I would like to tell you about an invisible haze that makes my insides not know where to land. Saying, “I don’t know” in a way where it’s like I am taking a step to a place I didn’t know existed. A secret door so quiet my ears feel their canals. My insides too. All the ways to enter or escape, surrounded by floating sparks. Not trying to be anything but trying to see who I am because who I was led to suffering that I couldn’t change. In a desperate attempt, I go father. And keep ending up at something eerily pleasant that I can’t seem to hold on to. Like a lever that wont stay switched. So I make it. And I can feel the water getting hot. I could say I will stay for myself, but if not for you, I never would come in. To a place where water is on the floor that I never felt. Where I need to spend enough time in to forget about the other world, that is truly hard. In a cold way. I need to be here to hold your hand. With all I’ve got and be able to let go, at all times. Sharada Devi, won’t you help me stay. Breathe? Just long enough that I can feel alive. That I can care. I didn’t care for so long because it all led to a gray place, I was raised… with too many walls and only one door. Then you walked in. And I didn’t know where to go. Then, facing away, you made me leave- the room of sadness to a bright compassion I can barely feel. Like light exhale. What seemed like hyperspace must. be. simple.. where can I meet you, is the question I’ve been meaning. Will you wait until I no longer have to. Will you make me breathe, by taking my heart, for one more spin?

          2. Eerily sad. Profound what it means, but I don’t know what it is.
            The song, because I still have something to hold onto. The tears held down, the one that never came. Where are you now. Still singing somehow. Breaking my heart, like I existed. Mad walls, demanding you, echo to pain. Lingering, circling the drain of coming night.
            Your mouth. Have one on me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7OUguym_KA

  4. Dearest Sharada Devi,

    The morning did hear you, as I was there hearing you too. You came as a red fox mother, slinky and wearing a black fur mask around her eyes. She looked just like you, to me. Graceful as the unknown unfolds before her, task focused, taking fearless steps. Another heard too…a blue heron, circling above, the most regal angel. For 3 days now at 5:45 in the mornings as I sit meditating, cat on my lap, I’ve seen them both. And listened. I’ve lost 20 pounds in the past month. I’ve stopped taking the prescription pain killer for my back I’ve taken for 8 years. Didn’t know how hard it would be, and it was hard. I’ve been fasting to get rid of toxins. Started spirulina drinks today. I’ve done it all on my own without a support system to lean on. The support system asked me how in the world could I have been doing something like that, a sign of weakness to him. Maybe I kept on because I confused the anxiety of daily life for pain. No one asks how are you? All I have really have is me, surrounded by an ocean of people. It’s amazing how much clarity, energy I have now, after being so numb. Now I know the direction I’m going to head in. No more bad relationships, or a need for one. No more reacting. I’ll just stand on spindly legs like the heron, but know I’m more stable than ever. When you knew something was up with me you were right and I was ashamed to tell you, I was so out of control. Feels good telling you the truth. Now I feel like I can move forward from a better place in my mind and heart. No more falling back into the dark spaces. On now to a place where poetry flows even if it’s not heard, and I’m so ok with it. It’s so much easier to sing this way. When i am Enough.

    You were there in my head though, Me trying to be as strong like You, kept me going. I knew as soon as I saw the fox, it was you. Just wanted to let you know. I hope all is going well with you. Thank You. ❤️

    1. Dear Kamala Devi

      I have a lot to say to you. To anyone who would listen and take my words to heart.
      Not because I hold the answers because how could I know anyone’s answer? But because I care and I have been through a huge process of transformation in this lifetime. I can only set an example by rising again and again. It doesn’t get easier, it gets more subtle, the pain being not just in me but in everyone. It’s hard to explain, but we are not separate. The fear, frustration, anxiety and feelings of failure at some mysterious thing don’t ever seem to end…as if these human emotions are contrary to spiritual growth. By experiencing and transmuting is all I can know. By telling the truth with all that I am, is all I can do. Of course I will not have many followers. it’s a road way too dangerous and bright. Not bright like happy bliss god light -but bright in a way that’s overwhelming if we face the face of where the light arises. This would be the flame that shows the shadow, And yet, we cannot – not be who we came to discover. Who we are is what we reveal in every way. The first day I met you, you said, “you need to help women.” This is all I do. And the woman inside the man as well. And so I weighed it all out. Where I am, the odds. And it doesn’t look too good. But I am writing you back because you didn’t disappear completely and so I guess neither did I.

      Love, Sharada Devi

  5. This is the 3rd time today that a fox has been mentioned. From 3 different sources. And it has been said that 3 is the charm, magic. Graceful too, said repeatedly. I believe strongly in the power of synchronicity. I guess it is a proving that we are indeed not separate.
    I think of you often, Kamala Devi. And wonder how you are. I guess that I should have taken it one step further and actually asked. The ongoing lesson of following through and doing the right thing. Being brave enough to care. It’s good to hear from you here. Good to know that you are still here. That you didn’t disappear. Before i even met you, aside from writing here on this blog, you extended yourself towards me, with kindness and generosity. With the flower of your being. I thank you for that gesture of blind faith.

    I think of you Sharada Devi, pretty much every day. You being a touchstone for me, in so many ways. When I am doing something that I question in myself , I think of your words – ” Be pure and high from the bottom up”. It has become like an internal mantra. And in my lack of perfection, I find that it is truly a life long practice of becoming more and more clear and strong and continuously setting myself back on the course of personal transformation.
    What else is there worth doing.

    1. there’s nothing else worth doing,
      but in all that we do it is a given-
      depending on perspective and intention.

      Anyone can say we are all one…blah blah blah. What does that really mean?
      It’s both tragic and empowering.

      And so I see how low the bottom can go and how in all the pixels something transcendental is dancing. No matter how dark, the light waits. Hanging on our every breath and secret.

      We should not hide from ourselves and push the blame onto others. I have a lot more to say, about me and therefore you too💕

      And this blog was always meant as a voice for the shadow, to set the stage for each person’s greatness- however it comes, to hear that language and to understand its poetry and implication is the most subtle and sacred grace of all. The magic is that if this is where I look for God, then God is also looking for me. To bring the morning and to uncover the self made of uncompromising love. Compassion- and like a juggler, the stakes are high. Don’t drop it like it doesn’t matter. Everything matters.

      Stupid things like your body and how you feel about it’s appearance. Like your dusty corners in the kitchen. Like the things we mistake for lesser things. This thing called God sparkles and transforms if you will own it and change to be bigger than you were yesterday. Embrace and accept your desires as valid. There is a reason for all things…it’s a big topic…

  6. Words are words only. Everything is as it is. Beautiful language, dark language, cruel language, insipid language, silly dark Lord language, silly witchy stuff.

    All very silly. And yet not.
    Just be real for Christ sake. Be real. Not polite and false — not inoloite justvti show how false politeness and insipid cleverness is.

    Bah. Duck it.

    1. What’s inoloite justvti?

      Isn’t it said that the word was GOD?
      Words are words only?
      What else is there?
      Apparently we came from a word,
      do you hear what I am saying?

  7. Words are our communication. We do come from a word, in as much as language is a way of creating subject/object identification with EVERYTHING. I’m just saying this to try and sound really impressive, but also to try and understand what the hell words are.

    I admit I sounded down on words. But that is only because if their limitation; without them we could not be writing on your blog. I mean there IS a whole universe we’ve built on them too. Like what went into creating our history and cultures and knowledge. So…I did exaggerate. Sorry about that.

    Sharada Devi. “Inoloit justvi” is a totally INSANE typo. But, I have no idea what it was I trying to say with the ACTUAL words that were INTENDED and not THESE bad boys: “inloloit justvi.” I mean: WHAT the fark is “inloloit justvi?”

    Basically though here is my point of view on this general topic: communication with words and what is behind them with regards to the whole human dance: politeness is politeness. Yet, to be impolite, while being refreshing from the politeness that people use as a passive aggressive thing, as a coping thing, a habit, a compensation — can also be seen to be a frigging contrived thing in and of itself. If I am feeling quite refreshed in my separateness, I have a need to be and I love to be impolite sometimes. But are they not two sides of the same coin? They are not both offshoots of the masks we wear? Masks, in whatever form or manifestation, are good however, if they serve the inner life well, imho!!

    Sharada Devi: yes it is indeed said that the word was GOD. In other sources we find: the Word was made flesh. All kinds of New Testament stuff like that describing Jesus, or Yeshua. To briefly sum up in my dissertation here: (super SUPER important too -😂) I have no frigging clue what “Word Made Flesh” means. I guess: God incarnate. God is the word. Etc…

    Try this — just thought of — thought experiment: imagine if there were all us human beings around — but we had NO LANGUAGE. What would that even be like? Can you imagine it? What is imagination like without words, language? Is there some primordial language of images?

  8. my granddaughter says that Legend looks , like an alien cat ✨
    Which to her, is a very good thing .
    ( and to me too ) 😺
    She also likes to always turn on the very bright orb shaped luminous light ☀️ when she is at my house
    (that is much too bight for me )
    😉 but is there, none the less…
    She says it is the Mother light.
    And so obviously , needed.
    She wanted me to make sure to tell you that
    😻

  9. The Mother Light is: Mother Sun.

    Ah has SPOKEN!!

    That’s the ONLY definition of Mother Light that WILL BE accepted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. On Jun 12, 2019, at 2:43 PM, mom wrote:

    Love you too. Just so long as you reply via email, I’ll be ok.
    Thanks Hon!

    Sent from my iPhone

    On Jun 12, 2019, at 1:51 PM, paul werth wrote:

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

    On Jun 12, 2019, at 11:21 AM, Roselyn Werth wrote:

    Hi Hon,
    How are you doing? Do you have a new phone # you could give me? It would help me feel connected with you more and less anxious if I knew it. I love you Hon, with all my heart. ❤️❤️❤️

    Today
    Hi Hon,
    Could you reply with one of your hearts, so I know I can still contact you? Even though I try to not miss you, when I write you and don’t hear from you, I kind of freak out a bit.
    Love you so much,
    Mom

    “Do what I say or I’ll hurt myself and it will be your fault” – If you can’t see how messed up that is, then I just don’t know. I love you mom, but I choose to be away from the family. Despite everything that happened 4 years earlier, I caught dad having phone sex while you were in Australia in 2013, he lied about it, and gaslighted me, made me feel like a crazy person just to hide what he had done. And a couple years later told me he should have smacked me too, my “father” fantasized about defeating his 23 y/o son but smacking him across the face as he loved to do every time I stepped out of line when I was a kid. But all this at 23 y/o. I never told you because he was scary. And now he has a gun. If you think he’s squeaky clean in his pornshwayed “office”, more like demons den, then you still refuse to see reality as it is.

    I refuse to play a role in a fake family, with a dangerous, narcissistic supply sucking psychic terrorist as the leader, even if he is going to bible study now. You only see things how you wish them to be and as a result, people get away with wicked behavior when they shouldn’t, all things that should be in the open only gets swept under the rug, and all our pointless demonic, self serving, toxic relationships get worse. I choose to be away from this family because that’s the only way I can protect myself from dangerous minds(including mine) that only want to possess me and change me according to their own desperate and twisted image of me their heads.

    Mom, I think you have ptsd from when you were in college and your parents got a divorce, and as a result you have major abandonment and relationship issues and so even when Dad repeatedly proved throughout your marriage that he wasn’t going to be faithful from 1982-2015. But because you just were so devastated by your parents split, and the happy image of your family which was your world and security, you decided that it could never happen to you and so that’s when your self deception kicked in majorly. I’m not going to be like everyone else in your family and life and bs you because you have a hard time with painful truth.

    I love you Mom, but I highly recommend you take a good hard look at yourself and live life honestly and with eyes wide open. While you have some time left.

    Paul

    What I actually wrote- have faith mom❤️

    Thanks so much Paul! I do, but so reassuring to receive your hearts. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

    When your crazy making, gaslighting, powertripping, self deceiving, regular deceiving, possessive family begs you to stay, you can either continue living in a false reality only going backwards, and appeasing their demons until they tragically pass away or you can do the hardest thing that I still havn’t totally done. Even if they are sweet broken children that you love. Even if it will break her more. Is it on me.

    1. Dear Pablo,
      Did you send her everything I just read?
      I am proud of your courage if so.
      You should express yourself with honesty compassion clarity and kindness, which you did. That is what the blog is for,
      to transform darkness into light and do be fearless in the light. And that is my support. The poison weakens otherwise perfectly beautiful people.

      You’re a good writer, don’t know why you hadn’t written a poem or a story for us to read…how’s it going anyway?
      Love, SharadaDevi

      1. I sent this-

        My reply

        “Do what I say or I’ll hurt myself and it will be your fault” – If you can’t see how messed up that is, then I just don’t know.

        I choose to be away from the family. Despite everything that happened 4 years earlier, I caught dad having phone sex while you were in Australia in 2013, he lied about it, and gaslighted me, made me feel like a crazy person just to hide what he had done. And a couple years later told me he should have smacked me too, my “father” fantasized about defeating his 23 y/o son by smacking him across the face as he loved to do every time I stepped out of line when I was a kid. But all this at 23 y/o. I never told you because he was scary. And now he has a gun. If you think he’s squeaky clean in his pornshwayed “office”, more like demons den where the Daryl we love drowns himself in his addictions and transforms into a wickedly possessive and deceitful child in his own lust and folly, then you still refuse to see reality as it is.

        I refuse to play a role in this family which I believe to be built upon a false foundation, with self deceptive intention. with a dangerous, narcissistic supply sucking psychic terrorist(try being considered his enemy and you’d know what I mean) as the leader, even if he is going to bible study now. You only see things how you wish them to be and as a result, people get away with wicked behavior when they shouldn’t, all things that should be in the open only gets swept under the rug, and all our pointless demonic, self serving, toxic relationships get worse, and we get further and further from actual faith in God and truth. I choose to be away from this family because that’s the only way I can protect myself from dangerous minds(including mine) that only want to possess me and reject who I am and change me according to their own desperate and twisted image of me that they need in their heads.

        Mom, I think you have ptsd from when you were in college and your parents got a divorce, and as a result you have major abandonment and relationship issues and so even when Dad repeatedly proved throughout your marriage that he wasn’t going to be faithful. But because you just were so devastated by your parents split, and the happy image of your family which was your world and security, you decided that it could never happen to you and so that’s when your self deception kicked in majorly. I’m not going to be like everyone else in your family and life and be you because you have a hard time with painful truths.

        I love you Mom, but I highly recommend you take a good hard look at yourself and live life honestly without lying to yourself and with eyes wide open. While you have some time left.

        When your crazy making, gaslighting, powertripping, self deceiving, possessive and self fractured family pleads with you to stay in their manufactured reality, which is really a sinking ship with a self-hypnotized crew that would have you think otherwise, you can either continue living in a false world where everyone is only going backwards never actually surrendering to God and reality(death), while putting on the front of having it all together, trying to control the pointless drama that is the life impeding and truth rejecting collective familial ego, and appeasing their demons until they tragically pass away or you can live in the light that is living in integrity. Even if they are sweet, broken children that you love.

        Paul

    2. I didn’t send it. Not yet.
      I’ve just been taking it one step at a time. Messing up often, but trying to learn. Trying to pay off some really expensive things in a short amount of time. Trying to do regular meditation. Not sure what’s next, like maybe finding a job and finding a room or staying mobile.

  11. I was reading the news on my phone and my husband asks over his shoulder “what are doing? Reading that motherlight shit? It’s like a romance novel for you. A guilty pleasure”. And I thought “no it’s been months since I’ve read her words. Maybe I’ll see what she’s up to these days”. How funny it all is. Love to you as I catch up. On all that I’ve missed.

  12. Hi Paul,
    I am so, so sorry for all that has happened to you. I wish I could go back in time and change it all for your sake. Since we can’t go back in time, I have no choice but to try and understand what you are saying, so I can respond. In this letter, I will state what I think you mean, when I’m not sure, but feel free to correct me. I’ll also share my way I am coping with this information.

    In your first sentence, I think you are addressing me due to my last note to you, where I was concerned about not having heard back from you and I said something about freaking out. I would be a rare mother indeed if I felt nothing about losing a child. I hold my feelings a bay most of the time, so I can get through the day without too much sorrow. But if I don’t get your little hearts, then I do feel scared about loosing you permanently.

    You are right about me having some sort of PSTD from my parents divorce. It was devastating to me. Plus, my mom couldn’t help from telling me every detail of her infidelity with the man who stole her heart away from my dad. She thought by not having physical intercourse with the guy until after she divorced my dad, all of her her other activities were ok, so she just couldn’t wait to tell me everything. At this time, I was dating your dad. He became my family. If my family would have been intact, I would have discontinued my relationship with your dad due to his temper. But he was my only support, so how could I leave him? I was so disgusted with my mom, so I also lost my sense of right and wrong for myself. Then, because I felt my mom had really let us all down, I vowed I would never divorce my own husband and put my children through what I had experienced. Also, I was programmed from an early age to forgive. That is the one of the many good things I learned from my parents. Both of them made this a top priority in our interactions with each other – with my siblings and with them as well. We couldn’t go for more than a half an hour without hugging each other and forgiving all wrongs.

    I know it was a major disappointment for you to know your dad could do such things, like phone sex, with other women. I’m so upset about that, but more so, I’m so, so sorry for it’s affect on you. A young man needs to know his dad is a good man. And then to deny it and actually physically slap you, because you identified it, is really unforgivable.

    I understand now why you have not come home. I’m not sure what I will do about this information Paul. My life hasn’t turned out as I thought it would. But I do choose to live in the sunshine of God’s love. He has never failed me, and I will ask him for guidance and for help for you. Just know that I love you with all my heart, and if I could have prevented this from happening to you I would have in a heart beat. When I think of my love for you, it is an ocean. If my love for you is this wide and deep, how much bigger is God’s love for you?

    It is right to live with full knowledge about yourself, with integrity as you have said. So with this integrity, choose to live in the sunshine of God’s love. That is my hope for you. And all I ask, is to receive your ❤️from time to time.

    I love you sweetie,
    Mom

      1. I don’t totally feel heard. I was worried she might just not understand it. Not as worried as other possible scenarios so I guess I am a bit relieved to see that nobody is hurt and hoping it stays that way but I truly hope for some good at the very least I felt freed like I had emancipated myself but now I still feel stuck? Maybe that’s my problem? but I still feel like she’s just not getting it from many important aspects. I guess it’s nice that she doesn’t hate me for sending that which is good but Im now not sure what I was hoping for maybe to help her and it was just sort of bummed her out and she sent more. I guess I was hoping mainly for freedom from this burden of feeling not understood by my Mom and continued to be Christian evangelized to also is challenging. I do feel loved and it is nice to hear her say that she feels for me about everything that went down with my Dad and these are just recent events. There is so much else that happened, but I do forgive both of them.

        I wrote this before her reply

        My Mom, my beautiful mom. I love you more than I can bare right now. Our separation has been brutal for so long, but I truly feel my path is the right one and I feel I have no other choice but to express exactly how I feel. I love you so much and only wish the best life for you. Poison ruins beautiful people and you are so perfect despite the the things that keep you from loving yourself.
        I love you forever Mom❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️I will always be your friend ❤️❤️❤️forever and ever❤️❤️all my love. You are perfect in my eyes. Please save yourself you are the only one

        I wrote that because I just didn’t know what happened I felt like I had failed and regretted what I had done and worst case scenarios occurred and I was trying to figure out a way to still go on and learn to find a way to live with what I had done.. my fears were taking over and I was not staying strong but I didn’t totally go that way. I just was begging God to keep them alive. And then I felt I wanted to send more to her and so I wrote that. I feel confused. I was going to send it and then I saw she had sent that first reply and like I said I felt relieved but also frustrated because I still felt unheard and still just stuck. I havnt written back yet.

        She has since sent me this

        Paul,
        I just re-read your note, before I confront your dad. I see that I might have missed one of your points. I did know , before we left Orange County, that your dad was having inappropriate texting with a woman he had met on-line. You had brought this to light, but I chose to forgive him when he was remorseful. Then, he had phone sex, later in 2013, while I was in Australia. I guess this is what you are saying- I’ve been choosing not to see your dad as he really is. A man capable of infidelity- who repents, but then goes and sins again. Also, a man who has mistreated his son – “gaslighting” and slapping for identifying the sin.

        I looked back on the times my parents slapped me, and there was only one incident. My mom again, but then she was so remorseful- asking me for forgiveness.

        I am acknowledging now, your dad’s sin Paul. I am confessing my sin to you for having not lived with the truth and allowed you to be a witness to it, and then been mistreated. I hope I can eventually earn your forgiveness.

        Much love,
        Mom

        I really feel unheard. And at this point confused. I’m not upset about it but just don’t know where to go from here. She thinks she sinned against me and that’s why I’m gone. I feel like she doesn’t understand me choosing to be away from the family is closer to the right direction than anything else, or that it’s what I believe in isn’t enough for her. I wish she heard me. But I knew it might be like this.

        1. Pablo,
          People have grooves, ways of dealing with darkness and pain. This is her way. She is a “good Christian.” Its important to her, it’s her source of security. There is a distance there that I see you feel. Don’t despair or overthink this. Give space to all things is my advice. Your thoughts, feelings, them.

          You need to stop doubting yourself. You are strong and you mean well. Your intention doesn’t have to be explained. Time will tell. You can only do you, nobody else.

          Relationships are very hard, especially parental. It seems to me that you are being a good parent to yourself and so be proud, be clear and pray (only if you want to)- not for anything but deep strength and wisdom. Compassion will then follow.

          Entangling gets messy. But sometimes it’s very important to express what upsets you.
          You did that and it was powerful.

          You set a divine example for everyone who reads your words and I appreciate that!

          Love, Sharada Devi

        2. Today

          From Dad

          Dear Paul,

          After your letter to your mom last week, I have spent this time thinking about how I wanted to tell you some things that have been on my heart for a long time. I had been afraid that you might reject my thoughts and feelings but I feel compelled to share them with you in the hopes that it might lighten your heart and reduce the guilt in mine.

          I accept the fact that I have been a failed person. I keep a façade of someone that is happy, in control and confident to the public, but a few people, my family in particular, sees through that and know that these are only defensive measures to mask my insecure nature.

          Unfortunately for me, I am a product of my upbringing although I have tried to overcome that to the best of my ability. I did not receive good messages from my parents about how to conduct my life. My father was ignorant in many ways having grown up on a farm and leaving his home at 17 to escape being forced to go to a seminary to be a priest. It’s just the way that things were done back in his youth. His older brother was to be the businessman in the family, his younger brother was going to take over the farm and my dad was assigned to be a priest as so many of the Werth men were. He left his home and became a soldier in the army to fight the Japanese at 17, it wasn’t hard to convince the draft board to accept him because the army needed as many foot soldiers as they could get. Perhaps it was because of his becoming a soldier that he learned all of his bad habits. I have shared with you that he had a mean personality, that he drank far more than he should have and cussed the world and just had a nasty disposition. When he was stationed in Korea in 1952 and the again in 1959, the family was not permitted to move there because of the danger of war breaking out. I have no evidence, but I believe that he caroused with prostitutes while the rest of the family was back in California. I have also shared with you that he was physically rough with me and emotionally abusive to your Aunt Carol.

          When my dad was transferred to Yokohama in 1960, the rest of the family joined him as you know. I was 10 years old then the years in Japan were among the best of my life. My parents did not have a strong and cohesive marriage, so we didn’t do a lot of family things and I was free to explore my youth, pretty much on my own. Three years after arriving in Japan, my mother started looking for personal activities for her to pursue on her own. She became a volunteer at the Dispensary (medical center) and joined a women’s softball team, the Clipperettes. It was at the softball team that she started having feelings for other women. She spent less and less time with the family and more and more time with her teammates, one in particular.

          We moved back to the United States in the Summer of 1964 after an infidelity by my father was discovered, and my mother wanting to be with her girlfriend was trying to leave the marriage. After a short counseling session, it was determined by the Army that my father should be reassigned to the United States immediately to change everyone’s environment. That is when we moved to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas…far from the bar girls in Yokohama and far from my mother’s girlfriend. It didn’t work. It was the year of my parents fighting and me being sent to my room so that I could not see it. It was one of the saddest times of my life. Eight months later, my mother announced suddenly that she was taking Carol and I back to Whittier, presumably so that I could start the school year from the beginning of the semester. This was in August and my dad was scheduled to be released from the army in December and would join us there when his tour of duty was over. This was all a manipulation by my mother, her girlfriend was waiting for her there and by this time, it was apparent to me that she was a lesbian and she didn’t hide it from me.

          My mother rented a modest house in uptown Whittier and we moved there. My father was scheduled to arrive on a Monday in December but arrived on the Friday before, late in the evening. My mom was in bed with her girlfriend. The marriage was over.

          Unfortunately for Carol, because she was having to paddle for herself, she got a waitress job and a small apartment in Whittier and because of her new found freedom, she became pregnant. My mother used this as a reason for her to leave. She would take Carol to Downey to live so that no one would know that she became pregnant out of wedlock. People did that back then. I was not invited to join them and I found myself living alone with my father.

          My father got a job at a hospital in West Covina resentfully made the commute to our house in Whittier so that I could continue going to school there. It was later the following year, 1966 that my dad started dating a woman from work. I saw less and less of him. He would leave a twenty dollar bill on the table and leave on Monday morning for work and come back on Saturday morning. I basically had been abandoned. Two years later when my dad married his girlfriend and brought her and her two children home that I moved outside to live in a reconverted garage. I moved out shortly after graduating from high school began my years of wandering through life taking drugs and basically being a ship without a rudder. I have told you about my experience in Mexico and how I came to the conclusion that there wasn’t going to be anybody to come and rescue me and was determined to change my life.

          Paul, I told you all of that because I wanted to fill in some blanks for you and give you a comprehensive picture of my childhood. I did not share this story for pity, but for understanding of how a person is made of the experiences that they encounter in life. When I saw a psychologist in 1996, this is basically the account of my life that I shared with her.

          The happiest and most fulfilling part of my life was marrying Roselyn and raising my three sons. I tried to become the best person that I knew how to be and experienced the family life that I never had. Most of it was good. Because your mother is an angel, we made our way through life for the most part intact. One thing that you may not know is that she wished that she could have stayed home and raised her boys, but because we lived in Orange County and because I was not a great provider, she had to work to help support our family. There were wonderful times that I remember and cherish as treasured memories. And there were storms along the way as well, primarily because of my flawed character.

          There are causes for my behavior but I own them and struggle and bear them, but the victims of my actions fell on those around me, primarily my wife and you, Paul. I failed both of you in the most unforgivable way. I was not the father that I should have been for you and I did not become the husband that I wanted to be. I can say that it was my own weakness or that I was compensating for my childhood but the truth of the matter is that it was I who made those terrible decisions and did not take ownership of them when I was confronted. In my defensive nature, I tried to manipulate you into thinking that you were not seeing the picture correctly. You were. I will have to live with that.

          There is a question that is asked: Is a man’s character as good as his best action or is he as low as his worst. My answer is that we are a composite of all of our good as well as our worst deeds, and most of us, including me, strive to do more good than evil in this world. I think that it is the best of mankind to try. Paul, you are a good man. I know your heart to be tender and loving and I have fallen short of being worthy of that goodness. My hope and prayer is that through all of the adversity and faults that I have demonstrated that you remember that your father loves you with all of his being and wishes that it wasn’t necessary to write such a message to my dearest son. In your absence, I try to do only good deeds, because that is what I know that is what you would want me to do. I have to tell you that I have taken my faith in God for granted and didn’t look for His guidance as often as I could have and should have. Having said that, there have been times that my walk with our Lord Jesus has been very close and I receive peace as a result. I have also said facetiously that I have walked alongside the path and have always kept it in sight but continued to walk among the weeds. I bear the scars of those brambles. For me, it is a much happier journey when my feet are firmly planted along the path that I know is the one that my Lord; Jesus Christ has set before me. It is the best me that I can be.

          I read once, that a father’s job is to raise his children like trees. To provide space for them to grow and build their own character so that their roots are deep enough to weather any storm. I have given you more than enough storms and I know in my heart that you will come through strong and straight because of your good nature. At night when I wake up and my thoughts search to you, I know that it will be a long night as I try to resolve all of the hurts between us. I cannot by myself but I did want you to know the level of my remorse and the depth of regret that I was not kinder to you and given a better course for you to follow. I will continue to pray that there can be a healing between us and there will be a day when we can be united again.

          My deepest love,

          Dad

          1. Dear Dad,

            In response to the third to last paragraph- Very impressive form, Dad! It looks good on you! And I am so, so proud of you. Of course I forgive you. Thank you so much for writing this.

            I’m sorry for being so mean to you and fighting with you so many times. I’m sure it’s hard having that impression fresh in mind, with me gone and everything and thinking I blame you like I did those all those other times. I don’t. We were both confused and crazy.

            There absolutely were good times, and you will always be my Dad 🙂 Thank you for doing your best. And I don’t blame you for anything.

            I’m thankful for the position life put me in- Right now what serves me best is to continue the life long practice of healing my own pain (most of which is self inflicted don’t feel too bad Dad), and learning to let go and trust God and that his plan for you and me is greater than what we would have for us, (the reality denying worldly life everyone is chasing after and all of our self sabotaging expectations we project onto all our situations and relationships as an attempt to be in control. Just getting in God’s way.)

            Wasting precious time in fake roles we think will bring us fulfillment, having people who can’t help but project their own selfish desires onto us, only confuses us and keeps us stuck in distracting never ending cycles, and prevents the divine will for us. We give our power away to the wrong sources leaving us empty. It deludes all of us from the reality that is- death is just around the corner. Ignoring it keeps us all in distracting cycles and only makes it harder for ourselves in the end. Further widening the great chasm between us and real relationship with our true selves and God)

            Thank you for everything Dad and please keep taking good care of yourself! Love ya🤘🏼🤘🏼😎

            Your son,

            paul

          2. Well Pablo,
            I am happy to hear you are one big happy family again! Who would have thought it could be so easy.

  13. death came yesterday,
    expected .
    still, the arrival
    left it’s stark , mark
    a timeless , empty
    , in the air
    mixed with relief
    an end to suffering .
    can’t help but wonder
    where are you now ?

    1. i don’t tbink death ends suffering unless you really die. Not the fake gray fading beneath the glow of the tv…like I saw in the hospital- numbed out mutants with trays of cold food- half eaten, half forgotten. Sucking on the tube fast asleep,
      their mouths ready for entry.
      Death enters and empties but doesn’t take ss it could- I mean, clean the tray.
      No, just a slipping in and out of the screen.

      Suffering then involves new bodies and projections covered in old memories no one can find. Death is the access that requires
      more from us than what we generally give.

      In other words, no escape.
      EVER. Can you live with that?
      What then, will you die with.
      When he comes, it could be the end.
      But probably just another dull painful beginning.

      This is my idea on expectations and awareness. Real Death is as rare as
      meeting God.

  14. i get what you are saying.

    This slipping away took place at home, without hospital monitoring.
    But the fading was virtually the same.

    What made the most impact, on me, is probably, how clear will – I- be when the time comes.
    How much lighter than i am today. How much of this world will i have learned to be free of.

    “Death is the access that requires more from us than what we generally give.”
    “What then, will you die with.” – something to give careful thought to – now, while there is still time.

    1. from what I understand death is like a dream. We don’t know we are dreaming- dead.
      That’s what dream yoga is for- to practice waking up in the dream now, before it’s too late…when you wake up in the morning and realize you thought your dream was real while you were in it…that’s the scary part- a dream inside a dream inside a dream…naturally, I am a bit concerned.
      it’s what’s hiding inside of us- it needs to come out…dangerous territory!

  15. so of course i was just prompted to google dream yoga, since i had never heard of it…
    what i read says – “no lucid dreams means no dream yoga”
    and that – “While lucid dreams can create negative karma, dream yoga is designed to purify it ”
    Which is a very interesting to me.
    someone once told me that they were never in their own dreams.
    Which confused me.

    I’ve heard it said that no one likes to hear about what someone else dreams.
    That’s why i usually hesitate to write about them here. And there have been many which include you,
    but you are not usually the ‘you’ physically that you look like in this life. But still the essence of you….

    My Grandfather had this very colorful dream interpretation book that was written in his native language,
    which he would consult on occasion. That always intrigued me. And just that fact that he was into the occult.
    His name is very rare. I researched it not too long ago and found it to mean –
    ‘he who constantly increases his virtue’

    This topic- dream yoga – fascinates me. i would like to know more about it .
    And how to be a better oneironaut and learn how to navigate the dream world.
    To more deeply realize the Clear Light Mind.
    Sleep yoga and Bardo yoga too.
    There is so much more to comprehend than i have yet to touch the surface of…

    1. it’s because we can effect the dream and not be controlled by it- we can realize we are dreaming and change things- like a god could perhaps. I don’t mind hearing people’s dreams. Who cares what you “heard said” you should think for yourself and disregard being “proper” it’s confining and weakens the fire that is personal.

      1. Yes, shaking off imposed restrictions 🔥 keep steering towards the less “acceptable “ end of the spectrum🌈 more towards where the thin air meets another realm ✨ Away and beyond…
        changing our dreamscape, like a god could , yes! ⚡️

        1. well i think it’s more about facing your shadow. it seems we can’t see it. so others in our lives make it apparent. It is mysterious. Avoiding the inside at any cost, even to blame it on others- or to avoid needed change because in reality we are comfortable with our pain restrictions. It would also seem that some think that’s “burning away karma” (staying in their ruts) but sadly, I don’t think that’s so true. I think when we keep digging a hole, it only gets deeper. The hard part is knowing what the rut is- it is subtle and hidden, it’s hiding in the shadows that keep changing and melting and being born again as excuses and ideas of redemption….dreaming of that yoga. The worst thing I see is willful delusion. Can we help it, do I even know what I’m saying…that’s the joke.

          We all love to talk a lot, especially me…
          but not so much anymore. There is a deeper world where I spoke of earlier and I meant it. Silent to others, but not to the one who goes there bravely.

          1. i agree, that the shadows keep changing and melting and being born again. Because just when i think it has all gotten better, it has suddenly gone deeper, darker, weirder… My rut is getting stuck in forgiveness that has no end. Because like you once said, – it is the world, it never changes. – I don’t delude myself , because i know it is all illusion.
            I just keep leaning towards whatever ray of light that shines and offers a moment of refuge . But it is all still crazy. And i guess i should just shut up and stop talking. especially since nobody else has anything to say…

            I had to physically hold down, restrain, my hysterically screaming 6 year old granddaughter while she had a blood draw today. Because her parents are too fearful to deal with her harsh reality. I can only hope to help the helpless be more brave .

            why else am i here

  16. Deep devotion and gratitude to you and your mission. Do you have any advice for empaths like myself? It feels like I am literally becoming crippled by peoples emotions and energies as I am currently in excrutiating pain. Or maybe its symptoms from a detox Im doing…

    Most gratefully,

    Ian

    1. Dear Ian,
      You may have identified too much with your mother somehow, growing up. This is effecting everything. And while it’s challenging to be empathetic by nature, your mission is to get out in the world somehow and identify with your solar/saturnian (father) authority. This would mean getting over any petty need to be understood. You must simply represent what you believe in- which needs to be yourself and your male power. The secluded mother energy is destroying your best intentions. I have your chart from previous readings. There is karma that is very hard sometimes. And this karma will suck out your soul, it’s a dark relationship. That’s my advice for you…cleansing is psychic most of all…the body holds everything we disown, that’s why we get sick and need to detox. But it needs to be the whole picture/person we cleanse and so I am just saying what I see- but in the end only you know the truth about you. It is within. Love and happy to hear from you, Sharada Devi

      1. Thank you. For the last couple days I felt like I was a voodoo doll. The pain I was having in my back was so severe that the only thing I could do was take a hit off a joint and I never do that. Intuitively I could tell it was her, just needed confirmation. I live across the country from her, but everytime i see her, I either get severe back pain or violently throw up. It has been my role to be her emotional sponge. And my brother is not in that role at all. Time for a coffee enema! Thank you so much 🙂

        Most grateful,

        Ian

  17. Yes, I see. If I am a shadow, I am also Light. My fires having me fuming: dust and debris like where can I tie a knot and with whom? And the sensitive shadow in my house bangs, hurries and scurries. Even the chimes hold tones that seem scattered. There’s fire inside them too. We all have fire inside waiting to bust out. It’s good; it’s bad; it’s ugly. If we don’t churn it in circles, it ends up hurting us. Oh standing on top of severed flesh eyes of flames warrior tongue salut: are the heads you carry, your fruits? Either way I am telling you I love you as I bleed and protest the foul treatment from the power hungry demon inside the proclaimed God lover. I accept the apology for what it is, but it doesn’t take away the stomping of my aura for this man’s year. This was my choice ultimately; but the levy broke. Now I am achey and tight and tired, angry & hurt. Oh, but the cards say good things coming. What to trust. I only know I can do something better than zip up this breath. Big breath. When you open the wounds that can’t heal and give then air: do they get another chance? Ah love what do I know, but this. Om svaha 🔥

    1. chiron is the wounded healer.
      he never heals but because he feels the wound, he feels the wounds of others.
      because he tries so hard to heal himself
      he learns a lot, like wisdom and compassion.
      he can never heal his own pain, but because of his pain he is powerful. because of his pain he heals others. this is the mystery and grace of some god force we will never understand and sometimes even curse.

      but then only we stand cursed. we see what we want to see, we then heal what we can.
      proportionate to seeing in the darkness,
      out of a love that is selfless, though hurting.

      chiron is the wounded healer. a god that we can claim as humans.

    1. men will always be men.
      and women will always be women.

      inside is where the flowers grow.
      the love, I mean.

      to give, completely.

  18. “I pass the time just doing my best collaborating with the chaos.” THIS.

    My face is sagging and I am alone. I saw him out with someone very pretty. How can I be jealous? I left him almost a year ago. He prances around and thinks that I feel inadequate. Perhaps a bit…a bit jealous that I am not in the wrinkle free, fat free zone now. As 60 approaches, I am feeling tired. I feel free enough though. I hold solace in my routines. I go out, have some “fun” then am back in a place of calm. My love for a higher power (God?) (higher self?) has grown exponentially. You may ask why I am not filled with an abundance of joy. I can’t answer this. Perhaps it is the decades of not being myself. Decades of helping anyone who needed it in order to be needed or liked, or be free of guilt has wiped me out. I say “No” a lot more now. I am not your slave or savior or at “the ready” to your calling. Find your own way….stop asking me so many questions that only YOU know the answer to.
    I cry to my dead mother sometimes, usually in the middle of the night. I wake up in a sweat. I am terrorized by my thoughts sometimes, so I talk to her. I cry and tell her I forgive her for wanting to abort me and for resenting me and my warmer connection to my father. I tell her it would have been okay either way. I ask her how the hell she stayed with him. 70 years. I cannot fathom. I thought eight years was lofty. Alone or together…it’s all the same shit we’re faced with…this feeling of unworthiness, not being good enough. Except being with another, one has to compromise. I felt myself always revolving around his needs or comfort.
    I am here. I am writing. I am mediating…staying “in the world” and “playing the game” at times…the coming home and being with myself in comfort and tranquility until the thoughts swarm in…OM MANI PADME HUM always until the day is done. Sorry I have been gone so long.

    1. Dear Marty,
      There are thoughts that must be faced sometimes and feelings that won’t go. There is no escape, as you see, from the prison of our minds. I think you are all the little sweet animals you feed and the beautiful woman he replaced you with. I think you are your mother and you are your father’s eyes.
      I think do not abort the darkness with magical words but with courage. I think do not reject yourself wherever you sag. I say this but I know it’s not easy. The pain knows no bottom and the ways we evade what we hold know no limit. You are not an island, believe me. I tried to be one as well. And now in the in between I float, because of these thoughts that won’t go.
      They are not loud thoughts that make you feel this way in the night crying out to your mother. They are quiet scorpion thoughts that make you doubt your light.
      We act upon them, because the shadow is more powerful when we deny his presence. Thinking we’ve got the answer, thinking we’ve got it covered. Thinking we know and can do this on our own. You’ve only just begun. This is the path of the butterfly and the cocoon is dark and dangerous. No one knows what goes on in there. I do know that it’s secret, even from you. Why you hurt and suffer. Why you really were at odds with your boyfriend. When you really know this whole thing is about you, it’s just too much. Too much light on that scorpion’s tail. We become self destructive and self righteous. We twist and we turn in the dark. We learn techniques to get away from ourselves. All I have realized at this point that I can be sure of is that my sadness for the hearts of us all is unbearable. As humans we feel so alone because we are so small and frail. Like tiny fertile poems. But we can’t see, we strive and resist the inevitable because it’s programmed into us. We are not separate. We suffer as one. And yet, I have never felt so alone. In the midst of it all, at this point it has not made me bitter for what has happened, it’s made me see how nobody is capable of seeing anybody due to the suffering of the mind mesh, these thoughts that imprison and project. I see that though all hearts are connected, all minds stay divided in this world of sorrow. The soul is deep and must be entered in the dark. In that dark is the source of blinding supremacy and indescribable lightness of being. We create God there, in these words.

      For only a second can I touch you. And that must be enough for now. We go alone, together.
      Love, Sharada Devi

      1. Thank you. It IS all a mind mesh…that I get caught up in. I feel so tired these days. I accept my sagging, but am pulled even further with all that is going on around me…the mistreatment of Mother Earth, and addictions of this world…I judge others and myself…I feel righteous…then feel like shit because of it. I see it as it is all happening and I keep thinking to myself…just get up, do you best with this day. I am so fortunate in so many ways, but forget this…and feel sad for so many people who live in such awful conditions. And men, who still control this world…and get away with so much. It angers me so. The sad people that are going crazy going around killing. But am I not THAT, too? God IS my anchor. As long as I keep connected to God and my Higher Self, with practice every day, and accept that darkness that loathsome self that also abides within…the light comes in…I must remember not to reject those parts of myself. Thank you for such a lovely heartfelt response. I have missed our connection.
        Love, Marty (ChandraMa)

  19. Love and light within. Darkness and anger and confusion. Also WITHIN.

    I AM THAT. ALL OF IT!!!

    ❤Heart cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Accepting.

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