I could go back to the hospital. I could die in the heat like a summer flower. I could turn you into an echo. When you get too dangerous I could erase you from the sky. I could move everything into another room. I could find knives and use them all. I could offer myself, a weary sacrifice to the gauntlet. I’m nobody and I wish you could do better than my words that are dry and old. Old tears that fall, never a new drop of sea. Sadness that goes unopen until they cut me again. Open your smile, heartbeat to the world. Open your soul, blood and guts dropped on the floor. You’re just a mess of wounds and tangled blood snakes. You’re barely a shadow beneath a tree anymore. I turned around, I tried to fight, I keep trying to buy old things back. I’m stuck on a flagpole. I’m waving to come. My way, I’ve broken the vows and I’ve taught the religions. I’ve torn off my clothes and I’ve hid behind skin. I’ve closed my eyes to you but you thought you saw. I’m a ribcage. I’m the veins on a leaf. I’m the night you can’t find stars, I’m the most depressing thing. A promise that got held too long, a rock never thrown. A child too harmed to see clearly the rainbow. I talk about me, there was you. I’m sorry there was you, over me. I’m sorry the sky is so low and the tragedy so virile. I’m sorry the cat is so thin and the doorway so wide. I’m sorry the song plays all night and the flowers are withered. I’m sorry about me, most of all, me aching as if it mattered. And it’s love that I kill to have more. And it’s this body that betrays me, I see that I tore her. Paper I told you, I’m only paper. It’s hard to know how to fold or crumble myself in a way that could ever work. I wait for the end, you are right. I keep moving. I don’t stop. He walks closely behind me. She is Kali, you could call her my torturer. She only hurts me and laughs while I desperately gather myself back into a pile. You don’t understand nobody is immune. I walk on water when I’m not crying on the floor. Could I get it right. Something innately perfect. Could I stop bleeding from her wrath. Her endless trappings, such a bitch of horror and I hold her hand. I have no one else. I lay on dirty floors with nothing to do. She moves me to hurt me and to hurt you. She thinks we don’t know and I think she’s right. I want to know. To have hurt enough, but I never can…get her. To know her, love her. Penetration. He said he was thinking of hawks and ramakrishna, and how smoke rises prayers to God. I was thinking about nothing. You were a river, not me. I’m empty. A waiting vessel to be filled. Pain and loss. You don’t really want to know about me. I tell good lofty stories because I care. Because I’m sad you can’t do better than me. Stars shine so radiantly while I cry “why?” to death. Why can’t you just commit and let me go? He walks. I should have appreciation. I should abandon fear of blood and guts. Tears and acid rain. Pain burning forest fires, stars that don’t even care what happens…it’s because of him. I should abandon myself inside all these things because of him, how he loves her to death inside the world of endless dying. He walks and I hear his footsteps, I see her listening, hearing and setting traps everywhere for me. She is alive inside the stabbing. I’m not the one taking the sun from you, believe me. I’m not anyone. I talk about myself because I’ve gone insane in this world of silent violence. I want you to listen, listen and see. There is the light that rises and there is the light that falls. I am neither. I am suspended. Like a sword splitting wind. Like a river splitting light. Animated by you, for you, because of you. Worthless unless we sink as low as our evil, the rapture has teeth. We bite what we want. And so blood is everywhere. I could die again. I will. I give everything away. I don’t know how. To die without rising again and that’s my problem. I keep rising, a pale sun over a dead world. I grow everything in this rain, my God pain. My horrifying dream body. My seduction by fire. It all ends however, at a point before dawn. We never said a word, we simply disappeared.
I am obsolete. I am buried in you. Treasure, want me. The jewel of the ancient wound. The light in the blackened blood. The strokes of sunlight up your spine. I am the last one, the lost one, the only one and I’m sorry. Sorry that love is a chain that can’t be broken. Sorry we dangle from her neck, broken and stuck forever in each other as tears and hope. I hope you see yourself in me. I see you everywhere. Wounds that shine her remedy. Heal, heal the ripped paper. It’s all blowing in the winds of me. The answer that offers nothing…
in my dark place I want your light.