I thought of you with the window open. With a cold wind blowing. I thought of dying. Your fingers through my hair. “Dark eyes let me love you. When you drift let me find you.” I thought of you with the sound of night’s breath on my neck, I thought of forever in my body. Your voice inside my head. All alone, so alone. Left alone. Anyone but me. I am trying, reaching into prayers that go far places. Not because there is a god watching from afar but because there is you who moved my hand. And nobody needs to know of this silence, this sleep of shadow that seals me. Only you, the rest is sleeping. Only you shine through these eyes. A winged serpent rose from the water. The earth opened and wanted to swallow me. These tongues are everywhere. They started kissing, not far away. Watching this, we are the one. We made this happen. You say you’ll never leave me. Years and years will pass and that you will never go but grow inside me, all around me…through me and because of me like a flower. Not despite me although I’m vicious and cold. Not without me because the night never sees what it’s done. But around me like a mouth holds a tongue. And long after I’ve spoke or I’ve eaten you’ll be there. Waiting and holding me. I thought of you with the window open. How you haven’t left but will remain even after I’ve died. In whatever way I do it daily, pull you through me piece by piece like a comb, soft fingers. Through my fear. Somewhere below me, under these blankets is a nightmare dressed in black, breathing heavy. Seething wet and lethal. But it’s not me. It’s under there. I see the window, I opened it and watched you fall, without words and not because you aren’t laying there. Watched you fall in and out of me as love. You said it in a language I haven’t heard. There are no words. Just this touching that isn’t even in this flesh. How can I turn over into another day without leaving this one. “It doesn’t matter,” you’d say. God is real because you’re everywhere. All I need is where you are. God, pull the blankets down and find me breathing. Still, the hot corpse writhes like a snake. I float up above with wings of invisible pain. The hot snake hisses. “You aren’t enough. Stop loving the thing.” But I see something stir in the empty blue light. This is my heart, I look inside you and smile. Nobody sees this of course because I hide. For protection, for girls who aren’t safe to let go. I have been tired for a long time, my scared child’s vigil. Still the rest of you seeps in. Could I love myself who needs this sleep, could the wind move something else besides warning, could the dark night be something besides a place of danger and hiding, could it be warm like you, next to me? Inside of my malaise of a thousand worn out places …a puppy licks my face. A kitten purrs out for joy. Love is as real as these tiny animals and I want you. Tiny animals that greet small fears, claws and fangs that destroy the demon of then. This is another world now you know, things have changed. Love has found a way to get inside you. How will I know, how can I be sure, what if I don’t like what I see? But I knew, something I didn’t say. I knew what this was. Slowly opening window. I knew far, from the east. And I’ve waited. And the silence resumes and twists out the past. All the ways I’m wrong again and I decide all sorts of reasons to close the window and stay quiet because you do. I cry because nobody really wants me. I cry because I understand why. I cry because I feel this way about myself although I call it the objective reality. I cry because it’s all I have to not grow cold. Again, because there’s nobody inside but me, all alone waiting for his car to pull up. In the eery light of neither morning or night…commit to my love however it engulfs you. But you never ask me my name, you just wait for me to remember yours. But I won’t, not this time. Love is deep, tomb deep. Until death deep. We never part deep. Under the blankets nightmare forever tied deep. I am a broken piece of me. Do you like my song and my picture? I ask because I mean it. Would you like to buy my words, do you want to hunt the killer, are you bound by me? I’m sorry about fate and curses. Long graceful cat legs, a boy burns in silence. Over me. And isn’t it ironic how I ended this. Give me what you want. This talk goes on forever. The room is filled with this. The air I breathe now that the sun is rising smells like you, clean like the rain that hasn’t hit my skin. I move closer, I open my mouth like all thirsty things do. I want things that I don’t know how to get. And even now, after all this confession, even now after we both know where the rain will fall. I’m inside, there is a roof. I’m below. Underneath the blankets I pull up like I’m trying to get warm or do the right thing. The only thing profound I said is, the window is open. I see through this body of mine. I know you are an eagle with wings wrapped around me. Rising from this earth into another land, I am what you have taken from here. That is not a contradiction, it is the ending of this heavy page.
I’m on fire. Sharada Devi