just a spot upon the glass
high in the corner of this ice cave
nothing melts or gets soft at all
just a ticking, clinging to the ice
no air to breath just white smoke
a little hole has been drilled through this roof
here in the ice cave. still in the corner
upside down hanging
I turn nothing and nothing moves
bats rest on an island below me
and I watch them sinking into the
center of the circle I bore
I’ll never get around you. it’s too uncertain to tell anymore the time of year I hold onto.
High in my corner. ice on the floor. I’m not hiding.
it’s the last spot on earth and so I came to find her, here in the looking glass.
I never really got out. I had to stay after all and I also had surgery. Sometimes the knife is the only way. it’s inevitable and I’m grateful. It’s been painful and numbing. It’s been deep and vast. It’s been yet another awakening. The quickening between here and there. I know if I tell you how I really feel or what I think you will get scared. Probably find me fatalistic or immobilizing. Don’t let me put a stop to your ideals. We all have different ways of getting over ourselves. And some of us take the long road and some prefer the shorter road. Sometimes it’s hard to tell one from the other. But being here in this place for almost a month, this hospital -where time stands still and pain and sickness prevail – has only made me less of a coward. Because I speak or write the truth as I have been taught through my experiences doesn’t mean I’m depressed. I have grown beyond such triviality. My feelings are insignificant. I am just here and who knows why.
I have spent most of my life suffering and being taken down into places I don’t want to go. I can fight it or I can accept it. I took the vow lifetime after lifetime and I suppose there is a part of me that chooses to suffer so that I can awaken to reality as it is not as I would feel more comfortable for it to be. Who cares if you are comfortable? What about the rest of the world?
We are blinded by our own selfishness so much so that we can’t even take the first step toward recovery – which would mean, “I give my life and my safety and my fear to a greater power. I will see the reality of the mess I’m in and I will do whatever I can to end the pain- even if it means to become the pain, at least for a little while”
How will anyone know what we’re up against until we enter the heart of pain? It’s what this is -The heart of pain. You won’t escape it because your heart isn’t separate and if I can’t eat, neither can you.
So I am tired and weary of the new age props-
often in the form of some deity who will save us from what we won’t face. Not yet anyway. But you’ll face it, you’ll always face your face and no deity has the power to stop that. It’s you who disguise the looker in order to avoid surgery- if you know what I mean. So I probably won’t ever tell you what you want to hear. Mostly I find everyone tepid and vastly insincere. Talk is cheap. Love. Devotion. Appreciation. Only words. It’s about sacrifice. Don’t hide behind me.
So the blog was offline because I’m over it. People making me into surrogate husbands and wives, fantasy girlfriends. Maybe it’s my fault but it’s not my intention to spin in wonderland waiting for a sun that will never rise. Nobody listens or ever moves forward. Everyone hears what they want to hear, myself included. What’s the point? So you can say, “oh you help me” but I’ll be the judge of that. And truthfully, after all these years, after all this time, I have done no good. I’m just a crutch or a commodity and I don’t appreciate it. So I don’t know. I put the blog back up today on the new moon and I really don’t feel like saying much. I’m still in the hospital and I’m leaving today. I’m just skin and bones. My words are just air. Listening takes skill and fearlessness. But without life experience, comprehension is weak and compassion is dry.
So if you won’t change, don’t let me stop you. We all go our own way and I understand. Thank you for opening my eyes.
God took it all away. No more eyes and no more mouth. Who are you now?