ice cave

just a spot upon the glass
high in the corner of this ice cave
nothing melts or gets soft at all
just a ticking, clinging to the ice
no air to breath just white smoke
a little hole has been drilled through this roof
here in the ice cave. still in the corner
upside down hanging
I turn nothing and nothing moves
bats rest on an island below me
and I watch them sinking into the
center of the circle I bore

I’ll never get around you. it’s too uncertain to tell anymore the time of year I hold onto.

High in my corner. ice on the floor. I’m not hiding.
it’s the last spot on earth and so I came to find her, here in the looking glass.
I never really got out. I had to stay after all and I also had surgery. Sometimes the knife is the only way. it’s inevitable and I’m grateful. It’s been painful and numbing. It’s been deep and vast. It’s been yet another awakening. The quickening between here and there. I know if I tell you how I really feel or what I think you will get scared. Probably find me fatalistic or immobilizing. Don’t let me put a stop to your ideals. We all have different ways of getting over ourselves. And some of us take the long road and some prefer the shorter road. Sometimes it’s hard to tell one from the other. But being here in this place for almost a month, this hospital -where time stands still and pain and sickness prevail – has only made me less of a coward. Because I speak or write the truth as I have been taught through my experiences doesn’t mean I’m depressed. I have grown beyond such triviality. My feelings are insignificant. I am just here and who knows why.
I have spent most of my life suffering and being taken down into places I don’t want to go. I can fight it or I can accept it. I took the vow lifetime after lifetime and I suppose there is a part of me that chooses to suffer so that I can awaken to reality as it is not as I would feel more comfortable for it to be. Who cares if you are comfortable? What about the rest of the world?
We are blinded by our own selfishness so much so that we can’t even take the first step toward recovery – which would mean, “I give my life and my safety and my fear to a greater power. I will see the reality of the mess I’m in and I will do whatever I can to end the pain- even if it means to become the pain, at least for a little while”

How will anyone know what we’re up against until we enter the heart of pain? It’s what this is  -The heart of pain. You won’t escape it because your heart isn’t separate and if I can’t eat, neither can you.

So I am tired and weary of the new age props-
often in the form of some deity who will save us from what we won’t face. Not yet anyway. But you’ll face it, you’ll always face your face and no deity has the power to stop that. It’s you who disguise the looker in order to avoid surgery- if you know what I mean. So I probably won’t ever tell you what you want to hear. Mostly I find everyone tepid and vastly insincere. Talk is cheap. Love. Devotion. Appreciation. Only words. It’s about sacrifice. Don’t hide behind me.

So the blog was offline because I’m over it. People making me into surrogate husbands and wives, fantasy girlfriends. Maybe it’s my fault but it’s not my intention to spin in wonderland waiting for a sun that will never rise. Nobody listens or ever moves forward. Everyone hears what they want to hear, myself included. What’s the point? So you can say, “oh you help me” but I’ll be the judge of that. And truthfully, after all these years, after all this time, I have done no good. I’m just a crutch or a commodity and I don’t appreciate it. So I don’t know. I put the blog back up today on the new moon and I really don’t feel like saying much. I’m still in the hospital and I’m leaving today. I’m just skin and bones. My words are just air. Listening takes skill and fearlessness. But without life experience, comprehension is weak and compassion is dry.

So if you won’t change, don’t let me stop you. We all go our own way and I understand. Thank you for opening my eyes.

God took it all away. No more eyes and no more mouth. Who are you now?

Sharada Devi

16 thoughts on “ice cave”

  1. Sharada,
    i would like to know how you really feel or what you think. i can take being scared.
    There is an observance that forward moving progress is happening daily with me.
    That is truth in my own reality.
    There is no time in my world to be selfish. It proves to be an intangible commodity.
    You have changed me. That is truth.
    No kiss ass words going on here.
    You have created an impression on the way i think about things, choices that i make
    and how i react or do not react to what happens in my day to day life.
    Not in a robotic way. More like a learned implementation.
    Actually, just the other day, an older cousin of mine wrote to me and was pouring out the sorrow and
    difficulties that she has been going through. And i found myself responding to her plight with words spilling out in such a way that what i was expressing to her as a source of comfort sounded very much
    like the way You would / might respond.
    You have made a considerable impact on me.
    i would wish that you do not melt away and end this blog site.
    Not seeing it as crutch but surely a welcomed opportunity to hear the only voice
    of true wisdom and encouragement that i have stumbled across in a very long time.
    i am very glad to hear that you are going home so that you can become strong again and regain you health and vitality.
    i hope to hear from you again.
    With deep Love,
    Sri Radhe

    1. That’s great. Everyone has their own bridges to cross. I will not say what I think because it’s a waste of energy. I just suppose we all see what we want to see and avoid the rest or make excuses. And maybe it’s just the human condition with its many veils. Not my place to push anyone where they can’t go…my opinion is meaningless and that’s the truth.

      1. Yes, many bridges to cross. Sometimes they seem to intersect and other times so distant. And still one must carry on without attachment. It has always seemed that every set of eyes sees things in such a differing way. It’s a wonder that we even connect for brief moments. Then the personal will comes into play and we splinter off from each other again.
        It is sweet though. When the coming together occurs. Those brief moments of connection.
        But i agree there are so many veils, sometimes they get lifted and a little more light is allowed to shine in or out and just as quickly they are lowered again.
        Surrendering to the things that are beyond control seems to be the only way to survive without
        getting sucked into the trips being played out around us by others.
        And yes, no one will EVER do ANYTHING they are not willing to do.
        Adapting seems the only option. Or moving on…
        i find myself trying to have less and less expectation. And when the pain does come in what ever form, just ride it out. Feel it. Learn from it. And let it go…

        1. mostly it’s just excuses. fear and excuses.
          and everyone seems to have a really good way of packaging denial and then explaining the package to me- as if it matters. and when I
          say anything – arrogance and defensiveness disguised as insight seem to be the usual comeback- I’m not really looking for a teacher on my own blog- and I’m not looking to philosophize back and forth.
          It’s so pointless. in the end, there is no excuse- and whoever is willing to keep spinning in this wheel of suffering will-
          for as long as their heart desires.
          believe me, you really don’t want to know how I feel about things- it gets taken wrong- it’s not emotionally based. I’m not angry or depressed of any of it. I’m just
          not into triviality and wasted words.

  2. No nose, no eye, no tongue, no mind, no body, no suffering cast into the cosmic void of pure nothingness, into the void of all, all that is and all that will never be. Are we meant to live in lies of never being in truth forever living from the blind spot and never seeing that spot that is tucked away and the mental illnesses and the disconnect increases and the knife and the cutting of the blind spot where the ego lives and wearing down it all down until it becomes useless and tattered. Our bodies never get to catch up to the every changing post-modern world and so the suffering goes on and on and friends call and text endlessly — these friends now surrogate mothers, fathers and twisted aunts and twisted cousins and brothers and sisters. What’s the cost deep down when it’s all distraction from the truth, from the void? I’m nothing but a servant to the truth, the shadow and in the loneliness, still reaching for the Divine’s hand not a bypass deity of what is a preconceived thought of what the Holy Beloved is but the rough and raw truth of it all.

    Maybe it’s true that it’s a game of survival of the fittest — we, those who dance in the void, surely are losing the game as we are the nothing, the soft due on the tender grass, the delicate morning mist rising up to connect with the rising sun, the tender belly if a timid rabbit, we are lone wolves here howling for truth and connection and yet it those who buy the lie, the endless consuming of plastic, creating plastic lives and ever always on the move for more — what’s the next hip gadget — where’s the stuff to fill the holes all the endless hungry ghost holes. And in the end, the meek enter the eye of the needle into cosmic void of nothingness but those who have the most toys win the illusion of having it all.

    It’s a bottomless pit and then you, you shine and see how little joy there is within this body and you take my hand beloved one and you say, “You’re not broken, it’s the world, it’s the people who want your light. You are light and you are pure poetry. And you sing and shine and come lets do this. Let’s crawl and claw our way out of this snake pit and come to the heart of what really matters. The Wisdom of the Holy Mother Light.”

    Blessed dawn. Blessed new moon. Blessed new day. In the gentleness of truth that fades with the heat of talking heads and garbage filled actions and life of lies, we take refuge in all that is the truth of the Mother Light the pure holy truth and the Divine knife has been sharpened and who will be next? And today this new pure moon day, I offer throat, heart and it all and say, “Begin.”

    Dearest Sharada Devi, I love you and how may I help?

    1. A servant to the truth would mean starting in your own life- nobody is better than anyone else- you have enough problems – why go elsewhere and serve the truth? Total denial is why. Self avoidance and wanting to have it all. Well you can’t.
      It’s all talk- sorry but that’s how I feel about you and your claims.
      How can you help? Seriously?

  3. It lifts my heart to know your really actually finally leaving the hospital..

    The things you reveal and tell people; it helps the whole world in all dimensions.
    Slowly the awareness is rising.
    The invisible net shakes with every thought and conscious breath.
    The source vibrates new life and old bodies
    sick kids and money men..

    Things will get worse before they get better. CERN and ww3 and financial collapse all coming next month. So we stay close with our loved ones. Only love is real.

    Were here for you and pray for you..
    Your fantasy boyfriends to your surrogates..
    It’s hard being loved sometimes.
    Close the blog – we will love you forever
    like youve loved all of us.

    It’s not coincidental all our heart mush being flung around..
    It’s cause YOU need it right now.

    I don’t know the full story, but I’m pretty sure you help open up people hearts, and sometimes the flow can be overwhelming?
    Then there’s people who will never chang, and they’re here for us to get stronger to help those who can change. The world would stop without desire. Maybe I’m way off, but it’s what my heart lets me know.

    I love you sister: Sri Sharada Devi.
    Maybe I’m not listening hard enough, but please rest to regain your strength.

    Side note:
    My new band will be on the mindleftbodypodcast in a few weeks, the band name is the endless love orchestra.

    Another side note:
    Recently I watched an older video by nithyannanda yogi from india and he was saying that a spirtual name is important because it helps you attain spirtual goals. Did you have any comments on this? Do you think my birth name Paul (meaning small and humble) is strong enough, maybe I don’t deserve a spirtual name – that’s probably why I haven’t been given one.. Paul was a pretty spirtual guy who helped lots in the promotion of God, maybe I’m being ungrateful.. I love you and baba so much and am grateful I’ve ever been gifted a smidgent of either of yours time.

    One for the people(and myself):

  4. I’m sorry if I came off insincere or insensitive. I’ve been doing 24 hour water fast once a week, up until I saw Amma last month sometime, and I started doing one meal a day fasts in stead of the water fasts. So Im back doing the full day water fast and I am really feeling alive and loving life and appreciative of you and baba. From my heart cave to your ice cave. Loving you

  5. Hi this is my first time writing in the blog. I came here to check how you were doing.
    I became introduced to you through the YouTube videos that used to be up.

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