love skips over me

I would like to leave and go far away from here, from me, from expectations, from empty promises…I would like to disappear like I was never a part of this place, this thing I’ve created. I’m a tragedy, a story split in two. I’m a slave to men -and then they blame me for everything. I carry the weight of everyone’s world on my back, because I’ll do that for you- and nobody loves me. And this isn’t self pity, this is an honest evaluation. Yes, I get told how wonderful, beautiful and loved I am- enough to keep my head spinning- but it’s the sayer that’s benefited, because I know they’re only thinking about themselves in relation to me- and what they’re getting from me- what they don’t want to lose- and so I make excuses for their lack of real love- and I let them siphon my life away. And I suppose I’m not Mother Theresa because I feel lonely and abandoned- and not like I’m helping at all- I empower cripples in every sense of the word- and it’s wrong of me- I feel deeply trashed out, like my life is over -and I have made some irreversible mistakes- but I also know where I come from -and what was my probable fate- and god knows I couldn’t have tried harder to be closer to his sacred heart. And I’m sad because the show is almost over- and I’ll be all alone- and life never seemed like it was enough- and I know that isn’t good- I recently realized that being in the hospital near to my death was the deepest relationship I’ve ever had- the most real touching of true love -and what I’m not-an embracing  experience of something beyond this ordinary me- the me I just can’t be inside anymore- you understand don’t you?

We aren’t as big as the sky- as reassuring as the Milky Way- we just have our stupid faces and our clothes- we have our words of half truth- and our promises that we rarely keep. We just don’t know how to make it count this time- we don’t know how to add up the costs, love someone who loves us, be honest about our loneliness.

Any I’m so sad for all of us. I’ve been here my whole life trying to make the most of my duties and self imposed responsibilities- I was probably trying to get power by being a slave- after all, if you need me you can’t live without me- I was probably trying to do enough to prove to you that I’m worthy of your love. Like for me, love is earned when you’re perfect, and no sooner…and I’ve never been perfect, so you see the reason for my anger and tears. And I have to say, I am so courageous though – but I’m thinking it’s more like a reckless hope for a total and final shut down of my ridiculous wannabe role- like if I can say it right this time- how much I suck- like an empty gas tank- maybe the show will finally end and I can cease striving and putting out. You never loved me- it’s ok. I’m not allowing love in until love exists anyway-and in this world- it’s not love -and the words are disturbing -and they haunt me- like, I want to remember you- I really do-I want to get inside- to feel something valid- but the wall is made of glamour and I’m just not young anymore. It’s pretty much over for me- and I’m ok with that- what else can I do? Get desperate and make a tragic situation completely irredeemable? I think that
Osho and Chogyam Trumpa said it best – in so many words- my interpretation of their wisdom

“Just give the fuck up. This shit is worthless. Other people suck in more ways than one- and if you’re the one sucking, it won’t ever be good enough -because there’s always a new mouth -a new buyer. So don’t look for love, there isn’t any. Love has run out because you’re tired and supplies are low -and it’s just all an imitation of what we thought it might be anyway- We are jack asses with a head worse than that -don’t get comfortable because this world will kill you- that’s the divine plan- so get ready for the fog that rolls in when the sun finally stops lying- like there’s a future for you- well, that’s a big lie- there is no future for you- there is only the miserable blurry now that we call God because we’re hard up- stupid creatures who need lies to live and give us a useless sense of meaning because we just can’t get a date- and even then- we aren’t really living anyway -no matter what we do – we’re just sucking and fucking- and that’s only if we’re lucky- otherwise we’re just limp and stale crusts of bread -that nobody wants to eat -and yet everybody is hungry-and everybody is filled with a self multiplying yeast that they call ego- which is only a fake God trying to feed everyone a love they can’t swallow anyway”

That’s just what I heard ok?

So maybe I’m wrong and that’s not what they meant. I’m negative- I suppose as a way to amend the inconsistencies- but I still can’t find or be the perfection that might make me worthy of something besides millions of words written to you- I don’t really know you, but you’re all there is- and I know you won’t believe me- because my life is something grand and volatile- my life, like yours, is a cracked floor- and we get walked on because they actually need us to get anywhere -and yet, no one will ever see us, or fix our cracks -or let us rest our bodies on them. Am I complaining? Who cares. I’m all alone and I can do what I want -because you never really cared about me- but only what you could get -or how I might make you feel…

I guess that didn’t pan out. Do you want to know how I feel? I feel warm inside and I feel like the bottom dropped out of my heart. I feel like my head is far away in a place I used to be. I feel like my body has no seams that haven’t come undone. I feel like I could cover you in me if I could help you never to feel as sad as I do.

I do it all for you- just so you never have to be like me- it wasn’t easy getting here and it hurts to be hurt by the one you meant to save -or the one you vowed to stop hurting -or the one you liked to fantasize with on what love might be like if it were really real…

I don’t know what love is. I never had it. But I still love you everyday the best that I can- and I know it will never be enough and that’s why I’m sad- because in the absence of you, love skips over me. And even if I knew what it was or where to find you, I don’t even know how I’d get there…

Sharada Devi

16 thoughts on “love skips over me”

  1. I think I do understand.
    All day I was consumed with futility and was becoming angry
    and lashing out for no apparent reason.
    I told myself not to write here for a while. To not keep taking from you. Expecting so much.
    What do I have to offer you. What have I given you? Not even so much as a song. Not even words to ease your loneliness when snowflakes fall and unkind cold takes hold.
    It seemed the best idea today was to just go to sleep. Crazy dreams came. All twisted up and contorted and vividly ugly. So I decided to take a bath and I wished that all of what was inside of my distorted mind could be soaked up and scrubbed away as easily as the residue soap scum. And the candle burning on the ledge made me ache to be that sanctuary pure and holy. And I prayed to keep that small flame burning inside.
    And so I came back here again. And found this post.
    Here I am again with more words.
    Not asking for or expecting anything but wanting to give back something.
    Something of some value.
    And the most that I can do in this remote moment is to reach out to you in familiar despair and awareness that we are extensions of the same longing.
    A similar heart.
    If that is a definition of love.
    So Be it.
    An ardent attempt to hang ten on the 9th wave.

    1. All we can say is,
      Easy come. Easy go!
      Let’s not get lost
      in the passing show!

      because at the moment,
      We have nowhere else to go!

      I’m so dramatic🌼

      1. Yes queen D
        U R so…🌼
        we was
        in it
        for a minute
        then the coin flips
        there it was
        now pooft … vanished
        down the drain
        and today the sun shines a-gain

  2. I do. The part about deaths full embrace of you and then the you with the stupid face and half words.
    Makes me
    Not want to say

    But that would b too easy
    And I get it, more than I did, about you

    I’m just .
    Ok so the you I know is underneath this story, this drama of trash and wanting
    Smiling, like no one else, just you
    I just wrote to one that she lights the space of this place, like the belle of the ball
    But you, wait in the dark, your face peering out, and it feels like that is what your smile is about. The event horizon. Pulling us apart. For good

    1. a smile in the dark
      that no one else sees
      but the one whose
      eyes pierce shadow
      and the one whose
      heart pins sky
      and the life we took
      became the long night
      of looking,
      for her smile
      the murmur of black
      til the red hooks sink
      into bone and beyond
      we have no mirror
      but the madness of
      And I know you see
      the light,
      and if she were there
      lost in it’s glare
      you would know
      and take that last
      breath before her
      eyes shook you loose
      from her blistering love

      1. Liquid Embrace,
        like a blanket for the fire, I am soaking you up, trying to lay it down.
        Smiling fool, heartbroken, but not enough to feel your ocean,

        sunshine on your vast sadness
        Me for you.

        I don’t know, but thank you for your beautiful, smiling full-moon face
        Song, in the dark,

        I all of a sudden see that I am you in that I want to take it away. Face to face, I want to embody Kali. Lain down, dull pain throbs like a sapling
        Now Quiet

        1. a blanket uncovered me.
          a tear stopped the crying.
          a moon broke the feral light.
          there isn’t a body
          or a black cat…
          there is only a barbed tongue
          licking the veil…

  3. I will now share with you my great wisdom after suffering in this world for 71 years of toil and trouble.
    I will DIE, you will DIE. The situation is hopeless, all you can do is stop itching the bloody sore of lost love.
    She wants your blood and she always gets it one way or another, remember she’s old spider woman and she wove the web your living in. The world is a myth of your mind, just a drifting thought of despair.
    Have another cup of tea, that’s what I did in India. My God was a hot cup of sweet tea in a clay cup that burned your lips and when you were done worshiping HER and could throw her down and hard as you could and break her into pieces that would be scooped up someday and made into another clay cup.
    You are the cup of God drinking you sitting in the busy marketplace smoking a passing show. What new sensation are you looking for? Now I am here and I hear old grandma’s voice on this demon machine as my anger starts to boil over again and I see mother light in the flames. Just shut up and be quiet, with every passing moment death comes closer. Here she comes, are you ready?
    kalibaba das

    1. We are back at the start
      The turning of the wheel
      A prayer stick
      Was Pointing to this place
      Where it all begins and ends

      ‘ Help me father I want to live You have done this Have pity on me ‘ – wani wachiyelo

  4. It was a bad day even thought it was one of the first days in about a month this flu/cold hasn’t lingered and had chest and head in a clamp. And what did I do with this precious day? Cleaned up other’s shit and pubic hair too and I don’t get to laugh all the way to the bank. It was a sack the whole fucking holy thing and burn the pubic invested thing down to the ground … Delivered neck to you 1008 ways today … with a noose and eyes open … and then eyes closed … neck slit where the bones stick out; wanted to make it beautiful too so you’d find it delicious and placed head on a tray for you with garlands of parsley in hopes that you’d eat it and suck the remaining bones and all the marrow out. Slap that fucked up Marley song that plays over and over spewing lies from a busted guitar and a repeated ska beat … “everything is gonna be all right …” This longing for the milkway to be the true stardust and leave this hopeless heart crushing used up earth never leaves. The waters are tainted and no one gives a fuck but will smile and nod with a fake heart. Where is this great lover you speak of? This little heart know nothing of love and the dream is a slow death a nightmare and hope is to see your eyes and to sit in the same room with you and say nothing. Not much to say these days as it’s all been said and the owl, she dropped her white feather outside the door an offering to you and she says it’s all over as she who’s into the night. Sacrificed, all the animals, the oceans and your mother light heart and still you give in your sorrow and grief and you still serve and keep throwing it all into the fire again and again and again. This busted heart is small, tender and filled with longing and grieving. But could be tasty thinly sliced and fried in ghee with a little salt and pepper and paired with a rich bouquet red Zinfandel. I’m yours.

    1. Dear Queen whose clearly angry and writhing in bright and dirty fury,
      I have to clean shit and pubic hair and piss- and bad vibes- all
      Day long- it sucks and I feel dirty-
      and not in a good way-
      that lover is in your heart.
      So what’s up with God? Cold feet. That’s what.

  5. Nature’s first green is gold,
    Her hardest hue to hold.
    Her early leaf’s a flower;
    But only so an hour.
    Then leaf subsides to leaf,
    So Eden sank to grief,
    So dawn goes down to day
    Nothing gold can stay. ✨
    ~Robert Frost

    Sweetest Dakini that ever I’ve seen perched upon a silver edged cloud…. I’m going to love You any fucking way. 💋

  6. sweet thoughts of you skipped over me just now
    and so with deepest love i say –
    Hello dearest daughter Devi!
    i feel you here within my heart.

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