I never left this room

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She isn’t just another withered flower. She is the light coming from your lips when you speak her name. She isn’t just another hollow branch. She is the blood inside the roots that feed the sullen earth. She isn’t just a ripened summer fruit that falls. She is the sea shell’s essence of eternal yearning. It is my poem that becomes the shimmer that floats upon her her body. On my shore, every jewel speaks only her name to the waves as they approach. “Don’t leave me,” but you always do…

I have grief over where my loves ends up. In someone else’s back yard. In the vacant eyes of another woman. In a battle that I don’t see as a war. In you. Rain is falling…

rain is falling without any mirror. I go unseen down the long gray hall. The shadows call, frame after frame of who you never were. Clouds cover my eyes, whatever you see, here. Isn’t me, anymore. Reflection, I go down to the end where the other doorway is. I don’t look back. I forget how you hung, like that picture I took without ever blinking. It was you one time, just not anymore…

and so quietly I’ll go into the other room. Quietly I’ll sit in darkness breathing. I’ll not think of you as my lonely battle. I’ll be silent and I’ll let it rain. My stomach growls like a wolf and I don’t feel a thing. My heart thumps like a rabbit and I feel not any fear. My skin is hot like a fire seething from another, younger woman’s body, my feet are cold. My hands curl into each other waiting to root. I don’t move at all. I hear what you’re saying and I pretend not to notice. You aren’t here, but you whisper anyway into my mind. I’m tired, sad from seeing old dog pictures, of those soft happy puppies from a long time ago. Why did I do that to myself, cut my hair, starve my body, stop getting eye contact. I was young, naive, abused by hard humans. I don’t mean then, it didn’t happen to the puppies. I mean now, it happened to me little kitten. I roll over in apathy, I am a homeless forgotten species watching stars roll like waves above my head. Abandoned by even death’s shore. Let me go, let me go. Let me lay down and forget all of this. Let me lay down as the howling wind train comes down the bumpy tracks of another midnight. I will surrender because I am solid. My blind eye to give to the light in the center of chaos. Do you see where I live. How my house is lined with secrets and the inner walls have quiet eyes always watching. Spawning new faces from the sounds I make while I sleep. These are long halls, the tubes that transport us to one another. During the journey we leave ourselves and become someone else. Something I have seen while the other one gets in. Shapes change in the dark of the camera before that are seen. For example, do you have any idea how many rings a wise tree creates from within. A lot. It draws circle after circle within it’s body for years, secretly- until finally something happens. The tree gets chopped down and a cat crawls inside as it’s ghost…

the cat was dying and one eye was missing, the other eye was red. I loved the man more than he loved me, the cat spoke softly- was sad I’d left. I’ve nothing to eat and this cage is too small. I wonder as I look at her crouched in this shell eating pieces of her own dying meat, “what’s wrong with this picture?”  I can find no sound to say, “come back. I’m alone, so alone,” (she said this btw) -as she tore at her invisible water body. I am sitting here remembering her. In this room at the end of the hall. Now, how she looked when she went away. When we were together, how she never left a thing behind her. Before she died into nothing, crawled into the safety of the dead shell tree. Hallways. Stump, cloud cover…we stood not looking at each other anymore…and not being seen by anyone else. No one ever cared. Nobody ever cares about old spider cats. There is really no such thing as feline imagination or far reaching sight that would matter to her- little nest or web, hidden messages in the water or even a tiny pink kitten that smiles back. This was it, me and her. I separated us as if I could- into islands and various slow moving creatures. Inhabiting tube worlds…predators and things that can never get hurt live upon me now…

I watched the man stop touching her at all. I watched her slip away- behind those eyes that felines have. Where you’re not sure who you’re looking at anymore. That was me. I imagined myself to be someone you wanted to be with. I never told you this. They never found her body. I never left this room. Sharada Devi

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