I just went in a circle

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The snake and bird the wild undone
the gray and twisting undersun
the earth to have me bled and true
your heart to know me inside of you

Oh god oh god I’ve lost my god
Oh god oh god where can you be?
my searching eyes roam high and low
starlight world where did you go?
This isn’t me I am not here
my seeds have dropped as ocean tears
silver heart song strands of hair
my love for you is everywhere
Braided like the weave of gods
My god oh god the trinity
Oh god my god infinity
come back to me come back to me
come back to me…

it’s not me it can’t be me. God is lost. I’m floating -under heaven over sea, who calls me home, oh come to me. I think the sun might have a door, I think my heart might yearn for more. If god is love I’ll find you there. Through moon and fire I’ll search everywhere,

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It isn’t me it isn’t me. Oh god oh no I’ve lost my god oh god oh god where did you go? Then a snake he slithered by and said to me become the sky. Get inside, inside the ground. I live down there where god is found. And then I cried I think I’m dead and then he said the just look around the roots are red where the earth is fed.

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We are here to learn how to die.

I have these things I carry. I came here to get them out, leave them for good. The fear. It can take as little as five minutes. We can do it here. Get it out, get it all out. Is that what you want. The knives we carry cut away, the blackmoon. The howling girl. Nothing is free, especially god wine. Drunken whore you’ve sold yourself in alleys. Hear my words that I might reach the crystal you. Hidden inside the box. And I haven’t seen one come alive I  suppose as the presence for any of us, meaning me. But we just carry a huge guitar on our back, gently weeping. Too quiet for human ears and yet I understood why you were here, coming home…all the songs never played, but weeping like a wound from inside. They’ve taken over the whole state, you don’t understand. It’s all in your head, it’s all in your head. Nowhere else. What was his intention with little babies, anyway? I mean, I brought you here flightless bird, and judged myself for sounding stupid. I can tell you for certain at the Neem Karoli Baba Temple today the grace was sublime, his love for me can’t be stepped on. It’s embedded in the leaves as they dangle from the tree trunks he fills, there is music in the air I can feel it breathing. The land of enchantment is filled with rainbows and lightening.

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Inside the womb I may have misunderstood but now I’m figuring it out, how death walks and talks like a friendly untrained snake. It’s a wire, all of it. A current. Passing. Like white angels they offered to help me, it was pretty much that easy. So far. Then he spoke to me in the night saying, “let us empty your head.” It’s all ready to go, get out and be set free.

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He went downtown to the gunstore at 1am and waited in the parking lot for it to open, I know this much. Which is more than I want to know, it’s a self alarm you could say. None of it matters but it hurts like a bullet. I’m not at liberty to speak loudly beyond this. I know some people pick up speed is all I can say and the process jump kicks and goes bang far too soon to be righteous. But I handled myself differently and alot naturally rose to the surface due to association and the pains I’ve encountered in myself and others due to explode. I would like to take a break, but for me it’s not possible so helpers sometimes arise from the grief that moves their heart in my direction. This is Godspeed I think. Rather, what I know is that a great mystery watches itself in our eyes. Don’t forget me, just everyone else. How will I ever know which one to let go of. The tip of my tongue isn’t far, words however, carry. Laden rich and heavy with prophecy. This is a beautiful secret I haven’t yet told, yet will become- for all to witness the glory of a believable, unbiased God. I am the seed of all die-ers. The only one with literal stars in her eyes. And that’s how you find yourself I’m guessing. Empty the content until only the five points of fire rise in your voice and shine from your smile. God obviously has eyes just like yours. Mostly it’s not written in books, it’s written in you.

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Because she was eating her goats. That’s how it starts and that’s how it ends. Take flight. It’s always very sacred when the sun is rising, the cat cries, it could hurt. But soon the light will be here and all will make sense, why the night fell in the first place and all the scary roles we assumed inside of it, just listening and waiting for love to be seen and heard in all things made of earthly darkness. We did this to ourselves. Don’t be afraid of your closet. The black seed host of your own web. The sex hole intoxicated people who’ve been wrapping their penises around boards for far too long. Obviously I’m one of them because here I am dangling on my silken web long after midnight conspiring on how to stay wet in the moon scorched desert. It’s just lunacy, don’t get so hung up on your hang ups, flightless bird. It’s only because we’re stuck sucking the blood of others and trying to become more important. I am just a small little human with a mass of tangled hair praying to one day find the love I seek in me…funny, I know it’s you red diamond.  I just went in a circle. Sharada Devi

10 thoughts on “I just went in a circle”

  1. The circle is tight,
    Especially when it needs to be.
    To see through, to get back to me.

    My advice to myself,
    To let go of holding tight
    To the circle where you walk freely
    And let it tighten, let it be me.

    You are so beautiful, I wanted to tell you..
    💔🕊😻

  2. That’s what I’m talking about
    The gold diamond of vulnerability that I see flashing
    When the bird song takes flight
    Fighting for air in a dying place…

    I will die alone to see you come through,
    My door, walking as light, to take me back,
    From this terrible show…

    That’s all I’ve got- pain and light shining from it.
    Yours,
    Petal to the floor

    1. a rose petal fell to the earth
      it was lucifer and his
      heart was the mantra.
      nobody listens or cares.
      everyone sees what they want to see,
      a devil who is our only savior angel
      bright diamond, angel star,
      the darkness doesn’t last
      as long as your shining love does.

      1. My sentiment shines and keeps,
        Me, waiting in the warmth for you
        To return and burn this
        Home, god all the way.

  3. Land of enchantment filled with rainbows and lightening
    where first breath was taken, from then on making peace with eminent death
    in the place of red willows, where mountains are named for the blood of christ
    faint whispers of an invisible god, whose potent presence is everywhere
    without a care, i melted into the river of light, that place of safe lunacy
    made of literal stars that remind me of home, of you.
    Yesterday i traveled back in archival time to re-read of an april past
    where on the verge of explosion, a humble heart suicide was averted for another day.
    mysterious prophesies on the horizon hold sway,
    fear not, coming soon, good tiding of great joy
    But i won’t get hung up on the details
    cuz this girl as mad as birds is taking flight.
    🌈 ⚡️💥 🌠 🕊💖

  4. Dear Sharada Devi,

    I had a dream the other night where you said you could not meditate out in nature anymore. For the last month, I can’t seem to get still within myself in my own house, so today I tried to go out in nature. How is it that the sound of wind chimes can be gracefully haunting?

    The silent and tender whispers of the flora and fauna, what used to be solace,
    are all but a futile mask of time immemorial pain. Either of my own or psychically merged with someone else’s. Perhaps dead, alive, both or all of the above.The addictive, attractive and hip bliss of the beloved is long gone. The devotion, the bells, the incense and intoxicated ecstatic chants are far away ghost cries. Now its the disturbing, uncharted nothingness that only comes when the black gunky churning wretchedness finally subsides. Is this the dark night or just another star in the sky?
    Love,Ian

    1. If I knew I wouldn’t suffer as I do,
      my beloved friend.

      Beautifully sad and poetic dusk brother…

      inside of the outside…darkness always falls. Light always rises.

      at this juncture we are in both places…
      it hurts, it seems to be that –
      that’s the plan.

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