I have no idea what I hold


Anxious like a balloon slowly filling. Deep in the bottom of a well. Stuck and deflating. Filling with fear. Deep in the bottom, suffocation. No air. No help that also doesn’t hurt. No friend who isn’t an enemy. No light without the grip of what is to come. Inevitably I lead you away through trial and turmoil. Toward the source of a decay that you just can’t stop. Circles in my head, I spin circles. Dying dying dying. It all leads to this. Rivers to oceans, air to the dirt. Water to the dry high desert of a sterile god. Why couldn’t I just stay and shut up. Why must you need my love as distraction. This isn’t love- it is some deranged embedding of desperation laced with an anger too subtle to possess. Something like a butterfly gliding downward anyway. It landed on you because it was fading into death, not because it even wanted to be there. I’ve landed on many things in the same way as that, myself even. As I write this to straighten out the chaos of my submergence into absolution. What does it mean? Where do I go. What have I landed on this time to avoid the bottom which isn’t even the end. Seems that I cannot escape my losing of life as I spend my life preserving and circulating this lost cause. Every attempt is a broken one. Defeat, one more glance in the mirror, maybe this angle won’t hurt. But it does. Faces all sag and grow dim. Faces all raise themselves to the light and shine. Faces all face the earthen grave and pray for the loser. I have lost, not necessarily let go. I have set a bomb off in my head. I know the way this goes and I cannot lie. We only read books, we only dreamed. We only had reflections to prove anything counted. I fear these ghosts, cold scientists. Wedding rings. I fear these laws that give names and numbers on papers stamped with ink. I fear the sound birds make as they stare down from the trees at me whimpering for their song. They aren’t singing is what I fear. It’s a fantasy, they are doing what airplanes or closing doors do. Nothing but the echo of moving- and we all echo slowly out of sight and sound. Already long since passing…already before everything came down in this crash. What has happened here. I pretend to need to know. I fear any answer that opens any escape at this juncture. Point blank. I have no idea what I hold. Sharada Devi


11 thoughts on “I have no idea what I hold”

  1. ” And Jesus was a sailor when he walked upon the water
    And he spent a long time watching from his lonely wooden tower
    And when he knew for certain only drowning men could see him
    He said all men will be sailors then until the sea shall free them
    But he himself was broken long before the sky would open
    Forsaken, almost human He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone ”


  2. Frequent pleasure is misleading, numbing and not so desirable for the soul. Sometimes ill eat a cannibis chocolate to ease my stress. But find it nearly impossible to meditate. When i find myself lost in thought, i hear clashing and,banging about the house to stir myself awake. Intense chaotic suffering’s boon is to produce sustained awareness over time. Although i hate suffering to a t, i need to be aware of it at every second cause the blind side of it is more painful than if it arrives expectantly and accordingly. Oh lord i dont know how the world became like this, but the least i can do is remember you.

    1. Ian❤️

      I believe it’s in perspective and so we do whatever we can to expand our consciousness. As why are you even here. Clearly this place is insane and it only gets worse and crazier. Suffering, that we are-
      is a finger pointing to the star. See what you’re caught in, unravel the illusion. That takes a change of life style and increased effort. We get disheartened, beaten down by gravity, circumstances, aging. We believe we’re helpless and fall into addictive escapist patterns however subtle.
      Association. Empower yourself. Don’t let life “put you back in your place.” You are a star light being.
      Don’t get fucked by dirt and pebble. You should shine Ian. You should not back down. Meditation solves nothing. Facing the pain of the problem is the hardest thing to do. Not numb, vital. Manpower.
      Love Sharada Devi

      1. If meditation solves nothing, what do you recommend? I know you said astrology and kundalini yoga work for you. Ive kinda reached a point where my mind seems to be getting busier, because i have had to force my self to be more a part of the world to earn money ect. And the meditations arent really doing anything for me anymore. I feel like i need to change paths but feel like that is giving up. Having alot of doubt sometimes. Do you believe in reiki? I know this borders on a consultation, so feel free to give the free version. Thank you

        1. Getting to the root of the emotional problem- nothing works until we see why we do what we do to ourselves. We can use meditation to bypass the issue- “rise above it” which isn’t possible- anything – kundalini yoga- astrology- anything we do needs to create an opening to go deeper into the self- not up and out- it doesn’t work.
          Why is it a bad relationship? WHY – meditation won’t solve that- only as far as it creates an opening to the core issue- that isn’t evaded but worked through. It takes time. It’s not a high, it’s a low.
          It takes a lot but no one gets around it as far as I can tell…that’s what it takes.
          The rest is just a drug to numb the fear and pain of all the churns eithin. That causes the screaming and nightmares.

        2. Ian, It took me a long time to really sit in meditation. It’s f’ng hard. I have very high energy and my mind (like everyone’s) is racing constantly from one thing to the next. To just SIT with what is and focus on the breath is hard, but I found that if I just committed ten minutes day, I would give it a shot. JUST TEN MINUTES. So that is what I did. And, I did NOT judge how it went. I just sat with my breath every day for ten minutes. That was nearly 20 years ago and it has become easier. I sit now for an hour or two max. My back hurts, my knees hurt, feelings arise that are painful and sometimes I cry during meditation. I have gotten a lot of clarity these past years during my meditations. When I was 45 and training for my first marathon, I would chant Nam Yo Ho Renge Kyo on in breath and Om Mani Padme Hum on my outbreath, so it was kind of a running meditation. I liked the physical/running meditation. Exercise and fresh air are all good and clean ways to incorporate a practice. Anyway….I hope you are coming to Mount Shasta for the retreat. SO much clearing and cleansing happens there…..Don’t give up on going REALLY deep……keep trying….just do it…. ….and come to Shasta! Love, Chandra Ma

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