I carry your heart in my heart

I heard many voices, in my head. My heart though, felt only two things. Grief and love. I decided to be very careful who I listened to. I found that the grief is fresh and ever present. I found that the love is forgiving and relentless. I become crippled in the grief and I become young in the love. I imagined what these two feelings would look like if I were to paint them as a person sitting next to me. The grief was an old woman with very long hair and her eyes were smudged in black and she sat stooping with her hands over her eyes. I knew I could never paint her how she felt to me, nobody could. She was very powerful and had an important message. The love was a young girl with very big eyes, but there was a sadness there too, in the innocence that she could be hurt. Does love turn to grief always I wondered? Are these two women the old one and the young one, one and the same?  Is it inevitable? The answer is two- yes and no. Is all I could come up with. There is a way to bridge the gap. That way is me. Grief has a message and life hurts the heart. Love has a message, it cannot die. I have come to feel that love is the grit we will endure. Love is that which is causing us pain. Love is that which will heal our grief, by opening us to who, inside and outside of us we have shut out. Love and grief are not separate but two separate entrances on the same journey. I feel the healing is the exposure to the two realities. All those voices have their points to make, their ways to “solve” our suffering. However, what the head does not understand is the unavoidable grit of love’s transformative intent. That is why life has given us music and art, dance and poetry. It is to bring life and death together, who I am seeing and feeling as grief and love. Who cannot be apart. Both women were captivating to me as I imagined how they would look sitting next to me, how I would paint them, their eyes, their faces. The language of their bodies. Each made me appreciate and understand the position of the other. The old gnarled, deep, bottomless pain of the crying old women- imagining the complexity of her appearance drew me in, backwards and down. The soft little girl with big open eyes. Making everything smile around her. She made me want to love others, especially any unloved child within me still. They seemed a contradiction and yet strangely dependent upon another as if I could not separate them or choose which one I would rather be with. These are real women. This grief is real. This love is true. I am sad. I love everyone. I am happy without a reason sometimes. Its because they are together inside of me. I don’t know how it happened, but it did. It’s because they do need each other, they cannot ever be pulled apart.

My intention for the Mount Shasta Retreat is to lift up the love. To embrace the grief. To come together as one. To be the bridge. To create that sacred union within. To silence the turbulence of thoughts that do not help us. Basically, to practice embodying what we have come to realize- We are not separate. And we do have the creative power to heal everything and everyone.
(also, it’s going to be fun! 🤣)
Aug 5-11.
$540 includes food and accommodations
$108 deposit required
balance due by 7/25.
I hope you come back to ❤️
to the mystical crystal mountain!
I carry your heart in my heart.
Sharada Devi

14 thoughts on “I carry your heart in my heart”

  1. That picture of “Mary”
    is so sad. It really seems to be a beautiful combination of the women you wrote about. The essential connection between them, connects us all. Thank you, for carrying on.

    1. I know? I didn’t realize she’s been standing there looking like that this whole time?!

      I painted her so I know she’s real.
      Watching from the porch of my heart,
      next to the door where everyone comes and goes…✨💕

  2. Wow. Very powerful images of grief and love. This resonates with me deeply. I feel Love as that “good enough-ness,” a purity of my own heart. My Sacred Heart. Love is the Goddess within. I feel Grief as “not good enough-ness.” Grief is tired. Grief gave up…has regrets. Grief lost and never realized that there was nothing to lose in the first place, because Love has always been there and always will be. It’s that knowingness and remembering…. Wavering in and out of love and grief… bouncing back and forth. No explanations necessary. Both live in the same house (maybe Grief lives in the dark basement), whereas Love is calling from the sunny ocean facing balcony…calling to Grief to come out….feel the warmth. Love does not need to go to the basement…but visits from time to time, also…to remember.

    1. Grief is deep. Not- not aware,
      but deep.
      Possibly a different face of love.

      Like life and death- neither is more valid or worthy of our attention.

      It’s complex soulful material

      1. It is deep and soulful. It reminds me of the Yin-Yang symbol. Both intertwined, and containing the other. I connect with Grief very well, sometimes I feel her ALL TOO well…and worry about staying with her TOO long. I know my tendencies to get really sad and STAY really sad (perhaps even morbid). I push myself to remember Love, because THAT is where I “feel” my best. To be able to express Grief is tough for me. I tend to hide it from others. I am the “strong” one. The one who never has “problems.” The one people run to because of that strength. Then after being the rock, I am led back to Grief where I have “wallowed,” at times (until I get sick of being with her). Over the years, my time with both has become more balanced and integrated. Neither can be eliminated, nor “should” be, because life goes on…shit happens that is painful….and Grief comes back. It’s that balance of knowingness…(for me) that both are there….both will never disappear. Old memories creep in….even some that I never knew I had! The mind creates curtains holding back memories so as not to reveal certain things…..especially when we think we have it ALL figured out (like, wow…I’m over THAT now…all is clear) (hahaha that joke is on ME). So…goes the balancing act tethering on/between Grief and Love. I really dig this blog post. Thanks so much for inviting us to the feelings.

        1. Thank you!
          Making friends with ourselves is a balancing act and an act of total self acceptance m,

          It then allows us to be a real friend to others, the entire world really.

          Yes, it is painful upon this earth. All the things the Buddha said. It isn’t easy to keep going back to the love- but the memories weigh us down and age us- if we do the right thing with the grief we are wider for it, it not it sinks us.

          If we are always seeking the sunshine we ignore the dark one who is always listening.

          They both deserve honor and reverence for the places they hold for who they make us.

          I hope you do make it to mount Shasta.

          1. Sharada Devi,

            YES! SO true…all of what you said!

            Many say “It’s awful these days, the world is worse than it’s ever been” and I disagree…it’s just a different yucky. Humans and over-population/society creates a detachment from our own autonomy. More people, more desires, more competition, more traffic, more business, more…more…more….whatever. I can’t get sucked in to ALL OF IT. (I do wear a mask, but do not judge) (my choice).

            Yes, we are always seeking the sunshine, however, but as mentioned, I can get sucked into the Grief. Sadness growing up with alcoholism…and all THAT “story”/memory. I used to stay with Grief a lot of the time. It felt really familiar and safe. I used it as an excuse to not take care of what was most important (my God/Self). There are also DEEPER memories…of my great grandmother’s great grandmother that I have dream of….and feel. No details but a very strange sense of odd things. Perhaps I will share when it gets clearer.

            I see my home in Rhode Island in PERFECT condition with a lovely renter. I love my home there. It’s total sweetness…lots of land and water nearby. I will be sleeping on the hardwood floors and saging it after it is cleared/clean and ready. Prayers and crystals will be placed. I see goodness and prosperity.

            I see myself in Shasta (in my spot)! Om Mani Padme Hum!

            ChandraMa Ma Marty

          2. Yes the world is crazy as it’s always been.
            Worse or better isn’t the point as you know- it’s about learning and growing as a species.

            Love is purifying most of all! I’m glad you’re coming to Mount Shasta.

  3. Grief is the shadow waiting for you. It’s you and I and us in our primal form witnessing these mind blowing feats of civilization.
    Its terrible pain is an embarrassment for a society constantly driven to stimulate an economy, or a escape happily and basically, innocently into a diversion, escape into a place where the fear exists that this grief thing might cause the dharmic responsibility to fall apart, the kids go wild, the troopers to scowl at you because they too are dying to grieve and you want so much for all of us to just allow the deluge to be there for what it is: the scary right to be deeply human. ❤

    Love is under and over, inside and outside, right in front of your nose.

    It caresses grief. It understands because grief understands too.

    1. YES! let us ALL embrace being DEEPLY human. Love caresses grief, I like that! Let us learn what diversions we use to avoid the grief….. Om Mani Padme Hum

      1. Love IS.
        Love WAS.
        Love WILL BE.
        Basically, love WAS always here, IS always here, WILL always be here, underlying every hateful thought, emotion, or cry for help, or just any I-thought/feeling.
        Love is just you tilling the soil and waiting for the sun and rain to do their nature thing so blossoms blossom. There is no best or worst. There is no comparison. There is just total acceptance of your very being. You are enough! when you stop trying to be enough through methods ways and massive diversions which hide the real you. No worries. Just actions. You are the action/being being itself.

  4. Om Mani Pade Hum!

    We connect ANY dualistic estrangement into the one heart in the one heart in the one heart and then onto infinity. And then: have some delicious food ; or something
    THAT. And then we grow up and do our taxes on time.

  5. The grief-love: young, old, all ages, no ages, the strange depth of love, the strange natural detachment that falls off the grief mind-world into just regular ole BEING and REMAINING ALWAYS.

  6. When we are deeply human, our egos don’t worry themselves about themselves: because we carry each other in our hearts when we aren’t worried about our egos. We just do what needs to be done.

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