I am your tears

Late last night an octopus caught my arm in a dream and he wanted me to move the other way. He had see through arms and black ink blotting eyes. Blotting me out, pulling me like a single ribbon under the clear pulsing waves of watery light- and I could still see the sky -but below the layer of this world, it didn’t matter anymore.

Nothing is what it seems.

And the octopus was transparent and I could see everything inside of him and me and how we were made-the same as each other -trails and tubes and shiny pearls of rain- encapsulating and throbbing the urgent beam of life. I had nothing to fear in his grasp.

He took me down straight to the bottom of the silver moonlit sea. At the bottom he left me sitting in the white and sifting sands. I looked up and saw bubbles with faces and butterflies with wings flapping inside the water as he disappeared.

I laid down on the sea floor crying. I surrendered to extinction. Everything looked like it would be just fine without me. And the strange and magical animals at the bottom- that we have never known -came and sat with me. They laid next to me. They petted me and listened to my crying heart. They called each other to gather  around me in a circle- and they all came- and they all sat or laid or swam around my little world of me, crying without you, at the bottom of the silver sea.

My eyes were open, staring, into this sea of tears -and I was remembering everything. Everything you ever said to me. Every time I loved you without a reason. Everytime I couldn’t. I remembered the way I had intended to love you and what I could have done to love you more. And I listened for a long time to the sound of my own heart beating and making peace with its isolation. Feeling the human  throb and filling the sea with her tears.

Overflowing, the silver moonlit sea of her tears. The waves of her watery body wash over us all.

And the animals waited and watched me closely as if they knew that something should happen soon -but I didn’t know, I was suspended in the collapse of intent with nothing left to do but surrender and recede.

“The dawn is almost here. Wait and see who you have become. Then you can go.” A soft voice whispered in the water.

I knew it it was up to me -and they knew it too. So they sang for me beneath the water -strange and hypnotic songs -and then when the 16 big white whales finally came the water started trembling and sparkling and the sand began spiraling into circles and divine patterns upon the sea floor where I lay.

Their songs aren’t a music that you would know. Their music lifts the water into the sky toward the throne of the moon- and that’s how the ocean never sinks too far into itself-and that’s why we’re able to cry in love and in pain, because of the 16 white whales that you’ve never even heard of.

At one point, The mother of the white whales turned her head toward me as she swam by and she had only one eye -and this eye was in the center of her forehead -and it was a shiny massive onyx -a dark looking glass filled with the waters of creation. And when I looked into her one eye I saw the stars and galaxies and there was no space or separation anywhere and I was as large and as white as she was- which was immeasurable- and I knew without any word or sound at all, that she held every secret. Every piece of every thing. Immortal. Eternal. Helix winding and unwinding perfectly. Swimming and soothing, secretly relieving us all.

“She keeps secrets, just like me” I thought.

Something inside changed with that knowing and I felt understood and less alone. And the music and tears  and the throb and the trembling became the celebration orchestra of my giving my life to her -and it was all of us, the animals too -and I was limp, left at the bottom of the sea staring up into the water with nowhere to go and I was breathing my own extinction.

Looking through the veil of sea water I thought, “I’m not sad. I’m not real. I’m not here. I love everyone.”

Then suddenly I was everywhere but nowhere to be found. And my mouth became a bottomless hole in an endless bubble. And my legs and arms became clear and supine. And my body started spiraling and trembling blissfully out the music that had sustained me and all the animals became ecstatic. I made it! I made it! I made it! The symphony beneath the sea was me. Me, the rapture of her secret. I understand your vision my mother of the sea, I really do.

I am your tears.

Then the octopus returned and we wrapped around one another never to be apart again. I understood now what it takes to listen and let go. I understood what it takes to be in his rapture by her tears alone. I understood what her tears are for and what they mean. I understood what it takes to love you.

I am your tears.


I know the pain is bad. I know you’re all afraid. So afraid, in fact, that you’re numb and looking in the wrong direction. But have no fear because I am here and I also live at the bottom of the silver sea where I wait for you to come.

Redemption is a single cause. Over and over again, an isolated occurrence between you and me and what you see. It’s all about what you see.
I know you think you see me now. We all think so. But I’m different without this body and without these words and so are you. I’m only an eye.
An eye that always watches and sees and knows the lack or abundance of her boundless, spaceless, silent, pointless, watery grace.

Like a cloud that never passes the same point twice. Like a wave that crashes and dies forever.
Crashing and dying differently every time for you. I’ll be here in the places you aren’t looking. I’ll be here singing in your ear. And you won’t see or hear or feel a thing until you’re ready.

Rest my beloved. I am your tears. Sharada Devi

[English Translation:]

You are a fox
You take off
into the air

In the air, yes
Into the air
In the air, yes

You glide, float, tolerate, suffer
Oh peace, war, unrest, discord
Oh no Oh no,
oh no Oh no
Oh no, oh no

A lost seafarer
Has returned home
A lost seafarer
Has returned home
A diver comes


17 thoughts on “I am your tears”

  1. Death isn’t the tragedy that they sell you…life is the source of death…and I’ve got all night to pretend that you were a good mommy…even as you birthed your helpless children into samsara…to be kicked in the mouth by her sharp pointed boot over and over and over again…just like you’re gonna be one day…

    …pray elixir spare the heavy light of morning…

    transcending briefly above our finite origins…a window appears into our infinite ending…within the bright white temple of the fire of hell…lies the soot black mirror of death…

    as a white wedding dress flows rose red black…the mariachi band awakens the spine…the western Carolina witch spins into the fiery night…I die alone but in tune with her soul…

    i can’t live by your rules…and i can’t live just so that i don’t end up in your hell…

    1. Sounds more like you can’t live by your rules- because I don’t have any.
      that, and the self fixation romance gets in the way of any common sense- which is, get over yourself and your pity party “baby has problems with mommy and daddy story” and
      get off your ass and do something to stop your own pain. No one can do it for you and no one is responsible for your suffering but
      YOU. All you want is a thumb- so suck your own. I have tried to talk sense into you but the allure of your self obsession really has you hooked in the jaws of some pathetic and quite mediocre demon.
      Still love the writing though…thank you dear Shane.

      1. Also I don’t have a hell that would accommodate you. It’s your own creation
        all the loss and misery you could hope for.
        You’re addicted to it and cannot lash out in anger at people who’ve only tried to help you. Wake up, I told you I was your friend and I meant it and I’m the only one you’ve got- but abuse doesn’t fit in that equation.

        1. except for maybe the hell construct part…nothing that i wrote was directed at you personally…but it’s funny that you took it that way…

          1. Oh really? my mistake. that part was for me
            and the rest of the hostility was directed at some other person. Some other bad mommy?
            I should have known. I won’t approve any more of these types of comments or game playing. I’m in the hospital and need to conserve my energy and also because it leads absolutely nowhere useful ok?

  2. it was directed at all the mommys of the world that breed and marry the wrong men for their own fulfillment without consideration for the welfare of the child…or the husband…and you are not the arbiter of what’s useful and what isn’t…

    1. You and your stupid old story Shane.
      OH YES I AM. And it’s not useful for you
      anymore. And it’s not allowed.
      Branch out. Expand. Grow up.

  3. it may be an old story but it rings true because it’s timeless in it’s essence…and you just spent a lot of time emphasizing suffering…and pointlessness…and when you put them both together…you get POINTLESS SUFFERING…but you refuse to carry the message to any practical conclusion…that life is stupid…and suffering sucks…and life is suffering…what’s so hard about any of this…can you be rational about it? i know a lot of your friends won’t like it but so what? it’s the truth…

    1. Actually I did not spend any time EVER saying suffering was pointless. It sounds like you’ve never heard a single word I say.
      And this is a clear case of what I’m talking about and you only hear what you want to hear because your mind is closed off by your own self obsession. It’s so sad to watch you go year after year over the same territory only hurting yourself more, only getting older, only wasting time and only growing more cold and distant from any love in your life and you know I am right and you know it’s true. It’s a tamasic state of mind and it will only lead to further pointless suffering for you. Your suffering is pointless ONLY BECAUSE YOU’RE SELFISH.
      Otherwise the world is your child. And
      you are no longer in fear.

          1. Because of the way the comment conversation went back and forth with a sense of familiarity and underlying anger on Shane’s part. It seemed that you two know each other well and for a length of time.
            i wasn’t considering any of his past comments when i posed the question.This just made me think of previous blog posts when you made reference to your brother.
            You have told me that i shouldn’t second guess my self, and the spontaneous
            idea just came to mind…

          2. He is a lot like my brother but he’s not my brother. I know everyone I tune into very well- plus I’ve done his chart- but I see what you’re saying-

  4. Tara is the tears that flow from the eyes of the all seeing one, your are the eyes of the world. Serpent like flowing energy of light flows in the galaxy. This world is our world and we live here in desire. This world is kamarupa, the world of desire. What do you want? What is the passion of your heart? This life form is here for us to explore and come to understand the human being DNA
    The matrix of Shiva/shakti the two intertwining snakes of light. We are now in the central channel of the milky way, the KALI center of our world. The Guru Tattva is the cosmic energy that comes down and like the holy ghost empowers certain beings like our Sharada Devi Goddess to help us awaken before the end comes. But we don’t get it because we are lazy and we will not do what she says. When the flash of light hits the egg we are made in her womb of lotus light. She is our mother, the green grass made the world. She is Tara, she is the one who comes swifly and saves us from the demons of self projection. We get stuck in the muck of the cloud of water, the crystal structure of water takes on the thought form of our mind stream. We cry our prayer and then we unite the sensation with the feeling that comes from the seeded cloud from outer space. We are the mushroom, the underground ocean of mycilium covers the whole earth and the TREE in the temple of the stars. Listen to her words and get the flow of her source. She is the life of your life, she has been around here a billion years floating down from the stars. She is the holy one, the only one, the fire in the belly, the will of Kali. She is our only hope because it is hopeless. Here and now, here and now, breath to breath, bead to bead. oh mommy take me home om mani padme hum. Ah………… have no fear, she is the tear. Om tare tu tare ture swaha She is the love of my life, green tree sharada devi the goddess from the galactic core. She is here now, she emails you here in cyberspace. She is Here Now. Bhagavan Das

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