flame on the sea

IMG_1729Mastering the maze of mind is the only hope we have of finding fire, the only control and the only reassurance that we’ll be alive now or again. It’s not an easy thing to do because the mind is liquid and slippery, everywhere and nowhere, spacious and yet full of itself…the mind is circular, all around and going in a loop. The mind is not a prisoner to time, space or condition only we are- the ego that rides the mind and who isn’t trained very well- so it’s really like trying to see your eyes without a mirror or trying to look at the back of your head- you can turn and turn but never see the back of your own head without a mirror- that’s what other people are for, especially those who push our buttons- they’re simply showing us the back of our head- and our spiritual teacher, you could say is showing us the brilliance of our own eyes, the eyes we can’t see without the face of our beloved. Because you know you can’t find it- you can’t spin the story or even blink long enough to get results- it’s elusive, this mind maze. And so we inhabit these bodies and with each individual mind we effect the circumstances of the individual body- and this situation is called dharma or adharma. You’re either on, or you’re off. We look for ourselves through these two basic lenses- as a way of seeing inward without even knowing- looking for who we are or hope we could be in others- either to punish or to love ourselves as them- and so on this level of disassociation from the closer source, being ourselves- we act out for better or for worse in an unconscious attempt to heal in order to “know thyself” the catch becomes how -to thine own self we can be true- if, how we “know thyself” isn’t serving our evolution but instead becoming more untrue- obscured by layers of projection due to so many reasons- which isn’t my point today because I’ve said if so many times already- what I’m saying today is we need to get back on that solid ground of our autonomy and stop being an imposter in our own lives. How you should do that is not something that is the same for everyone- there is not a multipurpose one size fits all prescription on how to reach the peace of this clarity- how to get back to the place where we know all we need to know- simply by knowing thyself without reservation. I can’t stress this enough, because there is no other spiritual path, no other religion but yours- know thyself. Getting back to the place of courage that enabled this quest is what I want to talk about. FIRE. and so I, the flaming EYE,IMG_1739was planning on writing something really nice and beautiful today on rejuvenation- something off the hook, like literally- but why should I? I can’t- not until you’ve burned your ghosts and only the charred god of you remains. Know thyself- there is no rejuvenation, that’s the timeless and unalterable spiritual protocol. So I’d rather starve the snake than feed the venom. Fire. Hot raging change. Change not to improve but to get clear on the imposter in the mirror. Whose living your life? I don’t think it’s you.

Wait! Don’t go! Don’t like look the other way, I’m not getting dressed anytime soon. I think we should take a naked firebath together. Hahaha! And don’t bother having this attitude that you’ve already heard this or just finished your firebath- don’t ask, can’t you write something “different more palatable- maybe about mudras or something” Right, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves- truthfully, variety is my strong point, and so is relentless pursuit of the target- and it’s not even like I’m getting paid- therefore, you’re not doing me a favor by reading- so are you really just saying that your attention span is about as long as flea and where there’s no blood, there’s no girls and boys? Or are you saying you just can’t tie a knot? Too bad, either way, I really want to know what starts your fire? My chihuahua gets on his little stomach and crawls under the bed when he thinks I’m upset about something he’s done- and he only comes out when my tone sounds friendly again. That’s what you do isn’t it? Avoid the heat. But that’s exactly what you shouldn’t do….because I didn’t forget that he’s got a thumb tack in his mouth, or that it’s not good to continue humping his big sister- it’s dangerous or it’s rude- just like I didn’t forget you pretending it’s not you I’m talking to, “make her go away” yeah I’ve heard that one before too, it doesn’t hurt my feelings anymore. I feel like I’m in one of those high rise apt with all those people getting undressed and all those other secret people watching with binoculars. Haha. Which one am I and which one are you? I bet I’m winning and you’re low on gas. I bet I’m always right and you’re just not willing to strike the match when you’re barely running on fumes anyway. But wouldn’t that be the time it would be more than less obvious? You’ve gotten nowhere but back to “start here” and “return to beginning” is such a drag….why oh why do you make me repeat myself like I’m mentally disturbed? The lunatics have taken over the moon world that’s why and the broadcasting is loud and clear and I’m not buying into the sale that this world is worth investing my fire in- unless someone can guarantee me a time span and enduring results- meaning -not only can I keep what I’ve sold my soul to get- but that I can keep it forever-you hear me? It’s your fire. Know thyself. IMG_1746You have to give up attachment down to the last trace. To ashes, forget the rest, it’s not you. I’m not going to turn down the volume of truth just because it’s too loud for sensitive ears. Those who sell out can do so at their own distorted discretion, to stay popular, to collect disciples, to hoard clientele. But not me. And I know the truth hurts us all much more than the lie does and the reason for that is that even after all this time, evil still walks upon this earth. Ok, sure you can say “everything is holy, made of god, spiritual if you are,” “you are what you see,” “this world and everything you judge as less than acceptable is just you,” “all is perfect bliss in my own little spiritual paradise bubble,” “I’m a vegan, I do yoga, I meditate, my friends are good like me,” “I’m taking it one day at a time,” I’m “doing my best but need to stay balanced and so have to compromise in order to do so,” “you’re too extreme,” “I need more money, more time, more guarantees,” the list goes on and you get what I’m saying. Don’t you think I know my view isn’t popular and therefore neither am I? Haha. And don’t you think I know that everyone loves to hide in bubbles being voyeurs watching other people such as myself coming to a tense brink on a daily basis?  Is she going to exploit her own integrity? Please. Integrity is as integrity intends- why would you even think so? Oh I know why, because I’ve nearly gone mad from the saturation of the debilitating weakness modern approaches induce, the half ass arrogant wannabes using spirituality as a way to lord it over others less flexible or less well read, or just the plain manipulation- the lack of that pristine innocent devotion which is really the godhead- where the truly path starts and only ends. I would like to quote of ‘illusions game- the life and teachings of naropa’ by chogyam trungpa- and in the commentary regarding trungpa’s teachings and approach

“..he continued to warn against and castigate lukewarm approaches to spirituality that seek to integrate it “reasonably” into conventional life. He decried as spiritual materialism the use of spiritual truths and practices as a means to promote happiness, health, success in society and other comforts of ego….genuine spirituality- (is rather) raw and rugged…and so he himself abandoned all comforts in order to instill.” (authentic spirituality)IMG_1749Fire bath. Isn’t this what I’ve been saying? You act like there’s some choice in the matter when there isn’t, there is only result. Know thyself. It’s very sweet and nice that you visit India, get in little groups in your area and chant, teach your children mantras, but really, what needs growth is denied in exchange for these “soothing spiritual comforts” that you’re doing something to move forward when you might consider the possibility that you’re only making your prison cell more luxurious. It’s a big blur and you know it. I am honestly appalled at how people seem to live these lies so effortless and easily- ignoring all the signs and symptoms and blindly going on their way with, of course, the mantra upon their lips. I agree wholeheartedly with trungpa and nobody understood him anyway, they all just became chain smoking alcoholics “in his name” I guess that’s your best imitation? Imposters. Or chanting our mantra melodies or maybe even a little krishna das in group format is the best you can do? But don’t you pray to kali? It’s dull, vanilla, mild cheddar madness. I’m confused by your confusion and the dead pan eyes, the deaf ears, the creepy monotony of it all is so tragic- it’s like everyone’s smiling and listening when someone says, “you shouldn’t eat poison,” as they eat the poison smiling and “listening” but then again, if that’s who I’m talking to, because from what I’ve seen, that’s 99.9% of all their is out there, I guess the jokes on me. I mean, I know what I’m doing- it’s got to be done but it’s like a fire alarm going off in a house of deaf mice whose dying anyway? “Me?” IMG_1753Open the can of worms ok? Know thyself. Claim the shit you eat and feed others. So I’m not claiming perfection, I do practice what I preach and I do speak up because you’re right,”I have nothing to lose,” someone emailed me and said, “of course you can surrender because you have nothing to lose.” He thought he was insulting me, by saying I’m a loser in so many words but really it’s a compliment because the only thing to lose my dim witted friend is your pathetic, power starved, worthless, addictive ego- and then instead of hiding from yourself, lost in a poison mind maze- you can do something meaningful with your time- and surrender then becomes the answer to your prayers- so thanks …and this thing that people want to say like we should do everything for free- NKB “wouldn’t charge” well first of all, did you know him? No. Know thyself. Did he teach anything, talk about spirituality, hold retreats and spend hours a day with you inspiring you. No. Know thyself. If you were lucky to hunt him down you could sit in the yard watching him until he made you leave or got so sick of your gawking he himself would leave- so get your stories straight ok? We are not rich or opportunists. We are genuinely sincere spiritual people who simply want to serve. Life isn’t free for any of us. Why be so hostile because you hate your job and want us to work for free when you don’t? The reasons and excuses you use to stay in your tunnel vision or dig deeper into your needy pit are just endless and such a waste of time. To thine own self be true. Good bye then, I don’t care where you go, who you go to- just stop vacillating and looping and do something progressive and evolutionary for yourself and the sake of all the other trapped people. Know thyself. You can hide, you can ass kiss, you can attack and throw negativity my way- we graciously put ourselves out there -and it’s very free- and it takes us time- through the blog, internet videos etc and it’s not a bed of roses- it’s more like a thorn bed of groupies, stalkers and people who just won’t pick up that sword and do anything heroic at all- particularly become self aware- and you should know, I’m aware of the protocol and my personal lack of effectiveness -because it takes two- the fire needs something to burn. If you don’t throw yourself in you won’t come out transformed. Sure, you love to dream about knowing thyself, think about, sit next to, fantasize yourself as being this agent of change- but you’re mostly just like every other prisoner, trapped in mediocrity. complacency and a low grade, steady fear. It’s not easy to set yourself on fire, it’s much easier to cast flames elsewhere- and lie in your backyard staring at the sky waiting for tomorrow…tomorrow isn’t coming.IMG_1754Fire is light. Fire burns to create new life. To destroy, to transform, to make bright. We purify in the fire and it’s hot and quick. Nothing burns forever. There comes a time that the flames die down, the smoke becomes less black, and the birds come out again. Know thyself. This is when we know we’ve done something brilliant and we are the living, reborn declaration of that brilliance. We finally see. There is no other way, no pretending, posturing or hiding out under the bed until I stop yelling for you to stop hurting yourself, there is only the truth that burns the lie. The truth is I can surrender because I “have nothing left to lose.” So as long as you’ve got something to lose, you’re deeply deluded. We’ve lost, it’s over, everybody, everything, this body.
Gone Gone Gone the beyond. Why are you pretending it’s real? It’s not you. Know thyself.

Anyway, there I go again…pretending, always pretending that words haven’t gotten in the way again. You could be so close and not smell a thing until it’s too late. Fire is as fire does and so the joke isn’t on me, it’s on you. You think I don’t notice how you tiptoe and call it stomping? Do you know me? Fire bath.

Raw. Rugged. Naked. Afraid. Vulnerable. Hungry. Hopeless. Alone. High on a cliff looking down. Fire on the water is impossible unless you’re god. Know thyself.

Fire bath
on the final day
sun behind the clouds
I became who I couldn’t find
I looked at who I saw
you weren’t there
only me the bird
Fire bath

I am a flame on the sea,
Sharada Devi


8 thoughts on “flame on the sea”

  1. and every night I have dreams…last night I was dancing with Padme like I used to…she would stand up and id do a little thing with with my hands and feet and she would stand and dance with me…and the night before I had a dream that I was in a doctors office and a young guy was walking off with the mala that you gave me. I was like hey give it back. then the doctor started spinning my prayer wheel. I was pumped in the butt for looking at porn. then all of a sudden I was standing in front of a bunch of Tibetan lamas. they were all seated behind a raised bench like a judge…only it was a long bench for more than one person…as in a panel…one of them said something to me in another language…he was Asian and wearing gold and maroon…then another said something else to me…but I don’t remember what he said…and then I did my dharma the next day…I love the flower petals…if only I could have asked you and BD about the Maha Siddhas and siddhis. I find that stuff so interesting. the life I’m pursuing is so mundane. I kind of can’t wait to die. I was in an office the other day to do my taxes. I thought I would hate to have to be in here 9 hrs a day…id rather die…I miss BD…I hope he has a happy 72nd next month…I wish I could surrender…if I get my back fixed I can surrender then…

    1. Gabriel❤️
      just my song to the wolf,
      she howls soul fire
      while you sing
      it’s all heard
      in between
      morning and night
      I mean you🔥

  2. I drew it today, fire on ocean.
    And then tonight, I tried to describe myself to my partner, the fire coming up out of the peace. I saw a ring of fire in my pupil.

    I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask, the past couple days for a Fire bath.
    I have to know thyself.

    1. fire bath
      abysmal love
      cats that hiss
      and bring the heat
      she never comes
      but scrapes the dawn
      from thick hot skin
      whoever you heard was me
      flashing from the ring
      the one who never knew
      there is no top
      or bottom
      only drops of flame
      that fall deeper
      than they rise
      undercover smolder
      embers grin like
      all cats do
      with green sinful eyes
      pure secret words-
      unsaid who lights
      this night..
      red forever white
      hot without color
      left in a pile of sighs
      a fire bath takes time…

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