how it feels to be seen

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When everything around me starts changing and I can’t hold onto any thing, when there is no direct connection to anything but uncertainty. This undercurrent of a grasping anxiety. To hold something in place, preserve what has been, when I can’t hold on and I can’t let go. I sense the dread and promise of the inevitable. What always comes no matter how well I organize, the chaos of transitions. Mostly for me it’s just a deep grief that’s really ungrounded in any reality but emotionalism and memory. It’s an empty feeling of the long meaningless sequence of events leading to this moment. This felt meaningful. The sadness in his eyes that he couldn’t change anything now, because it is too late. We know and pretend we don’t- out of a sort of unspoken kindness to each other. But it doesn’t mean that the haunting isn’t happening, the inner loss isn’t becoming bigger with every sigh. The fear isn’t growing even larger than the so called love that has held these things together for so long. Held us together. Given a merciful purpose to the days and years that have passed. But nothing, I am left with nothing but a perplexing confusion- that although we know what this is, we still can’t figure it out. What we’re a part of, if we’ve done something wrong, if there was anything we could have done better, more solid. More withstanding the test of transitions. But I couldn’t and I tried. I couldn’t stop the way time reveals the pain no matter how well I hide it, remedy it, define it. I couldn’t take away certain things from others although I tried and would have. I have had to watch the pain set in, the structural changes it causes, the dim realization that these demons we forget don’t forget us. And the harsh fact that, sometimes, at least for now, it IS just too late. And you can get as mad as you want for what I write, you can be ugly and judgmental of me. I didn’t do that to you. You don’t know me. The picture is much bigger than the way you interpret anything I say. Even personal isn’t personal. It is only a finger pointing inside. You know the places we’ve gone. Don’t act like it’s only my mother. I have watched those I have known fade into oblivion because of avoiding inevitable transitions, which is impossible though we try. Of course we try, it’s necessary because we are primal in that way. To survive the coming of destruction, to hold onto any security even if it oppresses us. But the way it goes is that this life is very sad when we’re honest with ourselves and not desperately clinging to new age philosophies or religions that seem to solve the fear of death and loss. Sad because we’ve seen and held the only love we’ve known, no matter how feeble. In another. No matter how they’ve betrayed us or made us feel small. We have had nothing but these little ways to feel a God we can actually only imagine. Which is also scary. Not knowing, no concrete evidence, proof of our immortal souls that will blissfully depart the density of the body and soar into the light beyond all human suffering. I am considering that it’s not that easy. That there is a lot of growing up to do. A lot of personal responsibilities toward that process that we mostly just won’t own. But why, being shrouded in this world of veils that conceal the destination. Wouldn’t you like to know. Why, when, how? This goes. And what can I do. And that’s what I ponder relentlessly. While I listen to time- and I will not smash the clock. Pretend I am beyond it’s threat. I am inside the threat of time, and this is why I fear the timeless where transitions aren’t even possible. There isn’t the gap to distinguish the difference. So this I guess is about the lesson of this human life. The serious dilemma we face. That we actually must be. But only for awhile. That we seek the love we feel within in another but then we must let go. That all will be ripped from us and we are helpless to stop it. That we aren’t paying attention to the warnings that time stands still for no one. That he has been the ancient tree and I am merely a bird on his branches making noise. That I have nothing but feelings moving through me. That- and a mind that tries to control the flow of overwhelming emotion by writing. Defining the moments of time that pierce my soul. That I have always felt I can’t go on in this acute graphic agony of the impending conclusion, and somehow I do. And I have become resourceful, efficient and ruthless. Pulling roots looking for why. And so if you consider the situation of transition and the beliefs that seem to hold both the fear and security intact. You will see it’s all a panic of fabrication with little regard for the actual reality which is -beliefs are like houses. Somebody made them, built them for us to live and sleep in. They aren’t anything but man’s need to solace the fear of intruders and create a container for this warm isolation. Human frailty. The beliefs that circulate our existence as it stands, must be destroyed for us to know where we are in this asylum of noisy thoughts that always come back for more noisy proof. Punishment and retribution for our sins. But why are we guilty. Of what? We seem to be the prisoners of some other beings…

But I can’t believe anything I was trained to think I can only attempt to know the space of right now, as I feel it and move into the moments of my forgotten fears. Transitions and how the body talks inside. If I don’t know me. Nobody will. If I don’t feel me. Nobody can. It’s simple- so simple we dread eye contact. Because the thing inside us, call it a soul or whatever you want. Knows what we hide from. Ourselves- out there. Everywhere- we move away from the way. The way is not definable. It’s too easy. It’s impossible. And so I feel this and can’t understand how to die to dying. And with joy. Is the catch. Crazy simple impossible unattainable. Just to be me? Just to be sad and terrified to let go- and let go anyway. Just to say goodbye without knowing when. Just to be ok with never seeing his face again…just to be the pain of being without trying to stop the torture of the ripping. I feel I would have to be psychotic to be this liberated. That I would have to be a lunatic to be enlightened. So whatever any of it means, I just keep sitting lonely- and feeling what I would rather not face. True love and how it feels to be seen.
Sharada Devi

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28 thoughts on “how it feels to be seen”

  1. Om gam ganna pataye namaha
    Om Gam Gam Gam Gam
    Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma
    If meditation improved my life
    I would have given it up long ago
    Yet it is the only thing that gives the mundane meaning
    I cried out to the guru to show his face in the flesh
    And I got what I wanted
    Grateful, I prostrated and begged to have him cut me to pieces
    to come at me full force.
    He did, God willing
    I am suffering externally but slowly and surely becoming acquainted with
    a more present and pervasive version of the the divine.

    -ps when are you coming back to arcata, CA again?

    1. Ian❤️

      Arcata, I don’t know. But we aren’t far away…and were just in mount Shasta.
      Thank you for these words of devotion, for the reminder of the deeper reason to die, besides just the usual sickness, old age, or accident…but something divine and vivid☀️
      however messy it gets!❤️

      1. Dearest friend,

        What you say makes sense. Maybe I’m just a big baby who likes to kick and scream at life’s growing pains. I guess more suffering = more grace. Not that I wear my suffering as a badge of honor 🙂

        I had an interesting experience at the library. I was trying to find the book cave in the snow. In a video you recommended it. I saw the movie but did not read the book. I scanned the shelves but could not find it. So I decided to get a book called Tibetan elders. When I picked it up I gazed at a picture of an old nun on the cover and thought that I wish I knew a better way to express my devotion to the divine mother. At that moment I spotted the cave in the snow book! I guess it is true, you must’ve been a Tibetan yogini in your last life. Thank you for listening and sharing your wisdom with me 🙂

        1. you’re the sweetest, attitude is everything!
          So, count your blessings, OM mani Padme hum again and again- even death cannot stop the sound body of the deity. 🌈🦋

  2. The mother will make you climb
    To the top of the berkely hills
    Chanting the Lord’s Prayer
    Passing lulumon loonies
    Clad in the latest edition of merril
    My father in heaven hallowed
    Be thy name
    The mother will make you stare down at babylon and deny you entry
    Despite your burning hearts passion
    The gnashing teeth of the senses
    Pull you in and say nirvana can wait
    Maybe next life
    But no not me
    I have a guru
    Isn’t that supposed to make things right?
    We must be an audience of the divine like those
    Hearing Howl for the first time
    In post war middle america
    The mother will shock you!
    Wake up you sleepy heads
    Time for a bucket of ice cold water
    To stir the soul from it’s slumber of millenia
    The mother will take and take and take
    When will life get easier?
    For the ego or for the soul ?
    That’s the catch 22

    Thank you for providing a platform for poetry!

    1. you got that one. you caught that one.
      free the soul, take everything. and it
      hurts and feels like hell is winning…
      until the sun rises over the desert and
      the water of God finally falls…
      and the rainbow comes and takes us home.
      OM mani Padme hum🌈
      “I’m inside lotus flower.” ❤️

      1. The ecstasy that makes you cry, scream, rejoice and cum at the same time
        Builds and builds and
        stop!
        I don’t know why I’m weeping
        But I feel right at home
        Thank you
        I love you
        Thank you

        1. thank you my soulful friend ❤️
          Sita ram! because I’m thinking of Hanuman
          and how he’s not messing around!
          Save Sita. Kill for her. Do anything. Mad monkey light….Devotion frees our soul. We are confused
          about who the devil is..but Hanuman is an animal – divine- and uses his primal instinct to follow the scent. Track the real God. Save his soul. Save us all. Jai Hanuman! It’s you❤️ RAM☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️

          1. Thank you so much for your divine wisdom 🙂 In regards to your blog post:
            Trungpa rinpoche once said that he felt like he was either on the verge of insanity or enlightenment. I can relate to your post a lot. It’s a total mind fuck when you know that your beloved could and will eventually become a corpse in due time. As I said good bye when she did errands I couldn’t imagine if something happened and she never came back. Varajya is a tough pill to swallow. It does make you feel crazy and I say that in the literal sense.

            I want to get a reading done by you but it’s a matter of saving up enough. My thing is I keep craving these spiritual highs and compare my self to baba’s autobiography and other spiritual authors lol. Even though I’ve been to India ( not that that means anything) and lived a full life. Thank you again for blessing the world and the internets! Jai ma

          2. I know what you mean about this craziness And how about being misunderstood- not to mention the fine line, blood line- which only makes hell worse- tighter and knoted-lonely too. And it’s only the vajra guru…
            who knows…the territory…we go home and it’s not this, but it is right?! Crazy.
            Thank you for being my friend❤️

            look forward to seeing you soon☀️

          3. Sometimes I dream that I am in India
            Wading in the ganges
            Weeping, crying om Ganga ma!
            Over and over again
            I usually wake up in tears
            Is it sick to wish there was a burning ghat
            A block away?
            Other times I ponder on how I’d rather be
            Even more destitute than I am for the opportunity
            To be an arms length away from a sadhu
            Or an earshot away from evening prayers
            Anything but this predicament that I’m in now!
            I guess suffering has one thing working for it
            You gradually become unable to worry
            I’d thought by now the economy would have collapsed
            And the sky’s would be teeming with
            Not so ancient aliens
            When can I look at my wallet as something obsolete?
            I find it easier to cry in dreams
            I had a lucid dream last night that I was bathing in a body of water
            That wasn’t the Ganges,
            But the fridged pacific
            The cold didn’t bother me
            And I chanted my prayers
            And woke up with teary eyes

          4. Maybe, my soulful friend you really are in India. Maybe India is in you. And the river cries and the holy man sings. Sadhu wander through me. Mother India. Mother World.
            We are all inside you, in all the worthless
            imagining, it is true. You are still the one. Where the sun rises over the water and God’s praises fill the breath. The sky, the air. In me I swim to God. Like this. How painful it is, that it has to be us. Just as this: the romance is lonely and full of the Moon. It is your Soul dream calling you home…divine everything.

          5. Thank you again got such heartfelt wisdom and solace. I’m going to make this the longest thread lol

            When you say that it feels as if hell is winning. Sometimes it feels like it’s going into extra innings.
            Where every year is a Saturn return
            And every moment is a dark knight of the soul
            I’m not a victim
            And I know I begged for this
            Even if it was naively
            I know you are older than me
            And you have experienced probably more suffering
            And that you have almost died several times
            Have you experienced the waterfall of god
            In the barren desert?
            I meditate every day and feel far from samadhi
            A part of me feels like the volume and intensity of this suffering
            Will only increase
            The rest periods feel progressively shorter
            And I feel like I have no time to be myself
            I work tirelessly and courageously to not be tied to a dead end job
            Just for the insurance.
            Am I just making mole mounds out of ant hills
            It could be worse
            But couldn’t it be better?
            I don’t need pity
            And I’ve watched enough of your videos to know
            How frank you are 🙂
            I just want to know if life continues to amp up
            For the initiate
            Cause my vajra master only says meditate
            And accept all outcomes
            But I want a more colorful answer.
            There is a stage in the path
            Where one doubts whether all ones effort
            Was worth it
            I don’t doubt but I guess I need a little encouragement
            From a master like yourself who has lived
            The samsara of America

            Om Kali ma!
            Jai Ganesha
            Thank you from the inner most depths of my heart
            I know there are a lot of creeps on this blog
            But my intentions are pure
            I’m just far from my guru and in a place
            Where I’m having trouble finding like minded people
            Ram ram ram ram ram!!!!

          6. Dear sweet friend,

            Saturn returns are approx every 30 years…
            I’ve had only one so far…but if you’re saying that’s how it feels, then I understand. My Saturn return in itself didn’t seem too bad…but the befores and afters did. Yes, it’s about weight lifting.
            The stronger you get. The harder it gets.
            It’s relentless on some fast track we must have chosen. How could we not wonder of our efforts? And meditation isn’t enough as far as I am concerned. It’s action. It’s choices- it’s fearless decisive self destruction – rebirth- transformation- it’s a PHYSICAL thing- I keep saying it. That’s my take on it. It does not get easier, we get more pliant. And we start ignoring our stupid fears and moving out of the way of our deep intention. Somehow to embody the dawn. The dusk, the moment as it stands in its mostly confusing perfection. You must create the circumstances in your life to yield the best results. We cannot meditate some things away- like the changes we may fear making. Saturn is the ruthless one holding us down and it’s up to us to receive saturns blessing- and only then can we reap and true mastery. Saturn wants everything you’ve got- to get what you want- and let’s hope we want the right things. The aligned things- our souls dharma. ❤️🦋☀️

  3. Catching up on weeks of words typed into this (heart)space, I wanted to share excerpts of a dream I had last night.
    A young man was painting pictures of a beautiful blonde woman he loved and showing her them…he told me there is a change coming, while I was a little scared, I knew because I could feel it. “The Dark Sun Lord is coming.” he warned. I am in a house with the blonde woman, the young man, and Baba. The energy is stronger than ever and I knew He was here. Terrified, I surrendered to him as he inspected me and cut my hair with a threatening dagger. He leaves with the blonde woman and I start crying….Baba lets out a heart wrenching wail as he falls to his knees, I prostrate before him and cautiously hold his hand for some kind of relief from his pain. Tears turn to action and he hands me a pair of black rope samauri sandals. I realize that I am the one to go to hell after the Dark Sun Lord…I also realize that hell is not exactly what I thought it was (as Christian philosophy portrays it)
    Enter a new dream and I am speaking from a crowd to the crowd and a panel of people including Baba, warning that I am to go to hell. (To “rescue” the blonde woman? I don’t know why)

    Perhaps transformation is happening? Perhaps months of reading your blog has embedded into my subconscious?
    I am here. Terrified and surrendering to whatever is happening. Not in a leaf blowing in the wind kind of way but a this is mine to deal with let’s do it kind of way.

    “If this is hell than I am Lucky”

    🔥🌹🔥🌹🔥🌹🔥🌹🔥🌹🔥🌹🔥

    1. Sounds like your unconscious mind’s version of the Ramayana. Hanuman must go to save Sita- for Ram. Ram sounds like Baba and you sound like Hanuman and the blonde woman is Sita, your soul…I’m thankful you see the
      psychic depth of the blog, how it pulls from the deep, how it’s not surface oriented regardless of how “readable” I make it.
      So I keep wanting to stop the blog due to
      how it seems to attract more angry obsessive stalkers than anything but people like you and a few others who have made themselves known give me faith to continue- and it’s like my own version of the Ramayana too! And
      so we continue to strive to make her seen and known in the darkness of this illusion
      that all is safe and embedded in materialism-when it isn’t and we aren’t and it takes a hero (not a coward) to be bright enough to first light the darkness and then enter it, to save her. To bring her back to him, Ram- the sun. And it’s a long way down
      and devotion is our only protection and devotion assures our victory. Jai Hanuman!
      Jai Sita Ram! And when he rips his heart open it is only them- Sita/Ram who live there. The sun and the moon. And we are the ones who make it happen. When we become who we are, who we can only be to ever see the real light. Who cannot fail. Who devotion frees. And it’s us, sooner or later…the greatest Bhakti yogi of all, Hanuman!
      And I DID name you Bhakti Devi – see how right I am! I’m here for you…anytime…
      How is Nicolaos doing? Is he still acting like a regular monkey – a bit unfocused (haha!!!) or has his eyes started remembering…searching deeper…it’s Sita I’m after…I remember! ❤️❤️❤️ Bless us all.

      1. Wow, I didn’t make that connection with the Ramayana story! I have yet to finish watching the animaton of it…Dahveed loves that movie. I get to the part where Sita is captured and I can’t look at the screen any longer, I should just read the story instead. Anyways, thank you for your continued warrior stance!
        Nikolaos is still full of ideas and wants to do everything…I feel like he is learning to be more grounded, but that is not for me to judge or determine. He LOVES Dahveed and calls him Baba, I feel he is a great mentor for him to be around (me also!)
        💖

        1. I’d read the book if I were you. Nico has a lot of Gemini is why…I think he’s fantasizing Dahveed is an Indian sadhu hence the “Baba” He spent some time in India…let him know the guatamala retreat is filling up unusually fast- since we are limited to 20 participants- and it’s already well over half full, he should put his deposit in- because I can’t hold a space for him without it-especially since he may be onto bigger dreams elsewhere by January. Stay in touch! Sita Ram.
          Jai Hanuman!

  4. This is what it’s all about. It’s all in the fierce moment of being seen-
    The flash. That’s the waking up, I suppose- seeing what you’ve hidden…
    You see that I’m angry about not being seen
    And being feeble- weak and just human. Not being able to move. Anything that matters, let alone a mountain.
    That really pisses me off; I am moving, and damnit when it doesn’t move: people, emotions, me. Anything but the mundane.

    We all need each other (as mirrors). Sharada Devi, you are the mirror that I go in, where forever I can see, that only “I” would take me away from what is coming. Or rising.
    You come down hard and soft. Me that hasn’t come down: A stiff cloud. A ball of protection. I see that you are the one that heals the pain I conceal. But it is primal. No more words. A stoic pain, faced.

    What is more, that hasn’t been, embraced, by me, seems to turn me. Baby demon evaporating twist, of color in the night. Come in and it will be alright. On fire with a cold stare. Let my feet that feel the light be made of sound. Solid God fire upon moving ground. Where I will fall, like everyone that has mattered. Like the rain- gone as fast as it came. In a way. Seeping in. 💔💧☀️♦️

    1. the flash, the flesh, light on the skin,
      smell the flame burn the name. Roses, smoke,
      forbidden body of shadow heat. The cold goes
      unfelt, hot desire rises. In the sky, from the corpse, floats the ember secret…listen
      to the rain move down…the roots that wait,
      thirsty. Cannot burn. Thirst for God. The source of roots. Coals of the deep. Nobody knows I’m so hot I’m cold. I’m so cold I’ve become ask, frozen tendrils of her body move up rapid like snakes that know- the ground has no ground/ truly we’re bottomless. Spit fire. Die trying is the path.

  5. I am on the ground. My ankle twisted coming up the hill. He went to find a walking stick. It seems like it’s been an hour. Did he get lost? Is he hurt? What happened? It’s going to get dark, and I will be cold. What if animals come out and attack me? What happened to him? Did he have a stroke or heart attack? What if rats come and start eating me? I am calling his name…he must hear me? What if he does not come back? Maybe it’s that fight we had. He never fucking listens to me and I make point of that. He hates that I do that…but WTF? Try listening for once. So fucking angry…I don’t care if he comes back. Oh shit….what if he is hurt? And, damn…I could die out here. I feel like I am seven again when I was left way out in the country. A friend was with me and she began crying and immediately got on her knees and said to pray to God. I said “NO…we need to walk until we find a house, so we can use their telephone.” I did not have a concept of God then, but even if I did, I would still go look for a house, then pray in thanksgiving afterwards.

    ……Sometimes I hear him stop breathing and I lay there next to him….my heart pounding….why can’t I hear him breathing? Fuck. I get so mad at him…he better not fucking die on me….especially in bed!

    My mother is gone. She does not know my name. Dad keeps yelling at her calling her stupid. I want him to die when he does this. He does not know why they are still alive at 92. I see them and know they are scared. Every time the phone rings late at night…I think it is THE call.

    I am not sure if I am afraid of death…or the possibility of great pain beforehand. Whatever it is…I want to make peace with it now and not fear the “worse.” When the fear comes up and my mind keeps reeling with old tapes and my heart aches depositing strings of tears…….I chant. Been chanting my ass off these days. Meditating and beaming with love for MA. But then it all goes to hell again….

    I get hot, angry and lost in fear….and then….ESCAPE…I chant and let go and trust,…then later find myself in the pit again. Back to chanting. I have mastered the art of looping.

    1. On the ground and in the sky. I lost my mother, she lives somewhere else. Not here.
      My father can’t find her, reach her even in his anger. The wrath of failure and loss goes deep, into the ground. The mind that seaps up up up back into the floaty clouds.
      I can’t remember my daughter or why I’ve left her. I can’t ease my husband’s fear that he’s next. Even his anger won’t stop the loss, slowly dissipating…we all go,
      back to before. Lost. Don’t know how to find
      a thing to hold onto.
      It sounds like you know moon mother, bright
      and steady is the name of God. Hold tight
      to eternity, beyond even death is the mantra
      that echoes relentlessly through the rack of our body temple. The temple we shall leave but not until God takes her throne in you.
      Full moon and the morning sun. They will always be our mother and father. We will
      be the tantra. Sacred scramble of chaos,
      find her in you.

      1. You beautiful light being non being…how I adore you THANK YOU FOR SEEING my mother, my father, ME. Heart within hearts….
        Yes…BEYOND death is the Mantra….

        WOW…”the temple we shall leave but not until God takes her throne in you” LOVE !

        “Full moon and morning sun. They will ALWAYS be our mother and father. WE will be the Tantra. SACRED SCRAMBLE of chaos. Find her in you.” LOVE!

        I love you Sharadadevi! Thank you for this blog….I hope you do not stop blogging your poetic self/non-self.

        1. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PASSIONATE FEARLESS AND CURIOUSLY BRIGHT SELF! The moon mother how she shines even while crying in the darkness of new beginnings. Never lost only listening for the whisper of god in the crosswinds, in the black, in the trees, in the pain, it’s only the growing of moons deep within. Heart Flower. Beneath it all, she’s glowing.

          1. Dearest Sharadadevi…..
            OMG….how much I see now…OY VEY! I watch you and Baba every day (on You Tube) so as to remember….ALWAYS. Today, I watched and re-watched “Are You Ready?” that you posted in March 2016. Wow. What I loved about it was that you two sang my favorite song “Prepare me to be a sanctuary” and it just resonated. WHY? Maybe because I became “born again” in 1980 when I was in the Navy. I had never had ANY religion OR any explanation or whatever of God when I was growing up. My parents left it up to me to find my own truth. Whatever. Anyway….I think what I like about the video that you did was that it included Jesus!!! I always felt like I was a “back slider” as “they” say. But I have always felt Jesus in my heart from the day I was baptized at age 21. What I did not like was the “holy rollers” with whom I was connected. I learned a lot. I just felt way too much judgement coming from them…and I, too became super judgemental (even towards my parents). Not a good scene. It really is SO personal…this relationship we have with the Higher Power, God, The Divine….the Universe…whatever you want to call it. I just wanted to pop in and say “Thank you. Thank you for the videos you and Baba have created and posted on YouTube.” I super appreciate you two, more than you will ever know. I watch so many of them DAILY. You both are DOWN to EARTH and REAL. I like your “natural” flow with one another. Sweet, raw truth. No bones about it. No frills, no ego… nothing but a desire to help US see the truth and get F’ing REAL with ourselves and our life (DEATH). Really help us to LOOK at WHAT TRULY matters. I am almost 58 and I feel like THIS next half of my life ….THIS IS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT. My spiritual life is REALLY ALL THAT MATTERS at this point. I have done the full time career Navy (NO regrets because I learned a TON about myself, my leadership abilities, got a FULL education plus traveled the world on the government’s dime, best of all made many dear friends and began receiving a full pension at age 45). Yes…..I know NOTHING is guaranteed (like Baba’s mama who worked for gov contractor and they let people go before retirement)…but while I am getting a retirement (lucky me)…it allows ME to focus on things that matter (God, my own well being, my relationship with my partner and my elderly parents, and my loving clients who entrust me with their lovely furries).
            This may seem to deviate from your blog post, but actually, maybe not. The message is YOU ARE SEEN and so very very important in my life (and I know, so many others). SO much love you send out to help guide us….you (with your blog) and Baba (and you with YouTube and retreats) ….so….again….I send a HEARTFELT…..THANK YOU (from the depth of my being/soul). Lots of love, ChandraMa…..

          2. you’re so passionately intense and I love this! Thank you mother moonlight for seeing my ❤️
            For you who feeds the butterflies…just because you see them when no one else does …and the moonflower is hidden under these wings of your love. Shining full of ❤️ and opal fire! 🦋☀️❤️

  6. Was chanting RAM. Had a transparent vision of a man trying desperatly to crawl his way out of a very steep sandy pit. everytime i said RAM he reached up his arm one more time and then RAM he threw his other arm up to wrasle more soil

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